Author's notes: This is it, kidz. This is the final installment in "Sight Unseen." I realize I started this fic series mid season, and as thus there are roughly ten episodes missing. However, I will not be adding to "Sight" as see those repeats air over the summer. If I added stories based on those episodes AFTER the finale fic, then "Sight Unseen" would be disjointed and lose its flow. However, do not fear, there are sequels in the works. Look for the sequel to "Sight" to be up in a few days (it's a short fic, not a series) and then look for a second series to be coming by the end of next week. Also, to those of you who have been wondering where in the hell "The Air That I Breathe" went, fear not: it's being dusted off and given new life. I promise to have a new chapter for that posted incredibly soon.
Author's note 2: This is, obviously, the fic for "And Jesus Brought a Casserole"...it's primarily Logan's POV, but I couldn't leave poor Max out, could I? Please be aware that this story fluctuates between Logan's thoughts and actions in the now, and his thoughts *then*, as in during AJBAC. The song is "If Only" by Tiffany...yes, you heard me right, Tiffany. As in sweater dresses, shopping malls and that 80's hit "I Think We're Alone Now." This song, however, is good and captures, I think, some of Logan's thoughts.
Authors Notes 3: Thanks to my incredible betas, Lady Callie and Evil Twin. You guys are incredible and have helped make my fics so much better. Get ready to work, ma sistahs; I'm gonna have some heavy-duty fics for you two to beta soon. BTW, Callie, if you still have it, can you send me that outline for the rest of "Air" that I ran by you about a month ago? I can't find it in my stuff. Thanks.
Disclaimers: As always, none of it's mine, I don't own any of it, even if I wish I did. Max, Logan, and all things "Dark Angel" belong to Eglee and He Who Thinks He's the King of the World. Michael Weatherly belongs to Jessica Alba and vice versa, and the song belongs to Tiffany and whoever wrote it. Thanks to the Eyes Only website for getting transcripts posted to help this poor old fic writer.
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Logan Cale parked his Aztec at the base of the ramshackle Space Needle and turned off the engine, sighing dejectedly. He looked up at the imposing structure that had once been a Seattle landmark and internationally known piece of architecture, and felt no fear, despite its incredible height. The sky was overcast, as usual, and it was cool and damp, as usual, even though it was springtime. Logan took a deep breath and stepped out of the car, still somewhat marveling over the fact that he *could* step, as opposed to the shifting and sliding in and out of the wheelchair he had grown accustomed to over the last nine months. The servos on the exo made whirring noises with each step Logan took, as he, with heavy heart, began the ascent up the Needle.
He knew Max usually ascended the thing with ease, thanks to her feline DNA. She had told him once not long after she first suggested taking him up there that she merely scaled the narrower parts until she reached the part of the structure that used to be a spinning restaurant, at which point she broke into a service hatch; it was easier than climbing over the rounder parts of the building. When she had taken him there though, she had been kind enough to bring along rappelling line. Logan couldn't believe how little time had passed since he and Max had taken their first and last trip together, to the top of the Space Needle. Max had been right- it *did* feel as though they were on top of the world.
She had fired the rappelling line up and waited for it to hook securely on something up top. She gave the line several firm tugs before she was satisfied with its level of safety. She had looked at Logan, who, for his part, had been trying to keep his knees from knocking. He was sure the metal exoskeleton would have only amplified the sound of his fear. Max, in her own devilish way, had been acutely aware of his fear of heights. Without a word, she had helped him get into the harness, and then slipped into her own. Then she had connected their harnesses together so that they were facing each other, and clipped on the hook that was connected to the line. She had looked him deeply in the eyes and smiled, "You scared?"
~~**~~
Now, days after Max's death, Logan looked up, hearing Max's voice ring in his ears.
~~**~~
That day, Logan had looked up and sighed, "No, not at all."
"Liar," she had retorted, kissing the tip of his nose. Max squeezed his hands, "Come on. It'll be fun, I promise." She ran her hands through his hair, "Besides, I've got you. We've already done something like this once before. It'll be all good, I promise."
~~**~~
However, it hadn't been all-good, Logan thought sadly as he broke the lock on the service entrance at the base of the Space Needle and began the long climb up to the top.
~~**~~
Days ago, Logan had forced a smile, knowing he couldn't say no to her, "I'm only doing this because it's you, you know that right? You're the only one who could convince me to do this."
"I know," she had grinned. "Thank you." Max kissed him lightly. Before he could deepen it, she pulled away. "You could always stay down here and wait for me."
"I'd wait for you forever," he had replied, yearning to continue with the kiss. "But I'm not letting you out of my sight. Not for a minute." Logan leaned in to kiss her.
Before his lips found their mark, Max replied, "That's what I thought you'd say." Then she began pulling the rope and lifting them off the ground, towards their destination. Graciously, she had not laughed at him when he gasped as he felt his feet lift off the ground. "Relax," she had said, continuing to thread the line. "It's gonna be fine." Max had pressed her forehead to his and began kissing him intensely, knowing he would be helpless to resist.
Eventually, he had broken the kiss, keeping their faces close together, saying, "You trying to distract me?"
Max had nodded, "And it worked too. Look."
Logan had looked up to find that they were nearing the well-used hatch with the broken lock. He had expelled a breath he didn't know he'd been holding, "Thank god you can multitask and parallel process like there's no tomorrow, or that little make out session would have been the end of us."
Max had reached up and pulled the door open, "That's why you're so lucky you hooked up with a genetically engineered killing machine." She grabbed onto a bar and pulled them both through the door so that they were lying on the floor.
Logan helped her unattach their harnesses and they pulled each other to their feet. She started towards the old dining room but he held her hands tightly. He stepped toe to toe with her and made her look at him. "Max," he had said softly. "I meant what I said the other day. You have nothing to be sorry for...or ashamed of. I know who you are. I know what you are. And you're definitely not a genetically enhanced killing machine. I'm sorry for calling you that; you're not a killing machine. You're more than that." He had tipped her chin with his forefinger. "Remember what I said the second time you broke into my apartment? I said you had probably the most singularly beautiful face I've ever seen."
Max had smiled, and quoted herself, "Expensive gifts, surprise late-night visits, over-the-top flattery. Do you always come on this strong?"
Seeing what she was doing, Logan had played along, "Only when I meet someone I have to know everything about."
"And do you?" Max had asked, looking up into his eyes.
"No," he had replied honestly. "But I want to. And I can't wait until I know everything about you. I can't wait until you feel safe enough to let me in on everything."
Max had gazed deep into his eyes and he could see that she so desperately wanted to believe him. She must have found what she was looking for, because she cocked her head slightly and said, her voice full of mischief, "And what about you, Logan Cale? I don't know everything about you yet either? Is that gonna change or is this only a one way street?"
Logan had kissed her gently, "It's a two way street, I promise."
"Good," Max had smiled, taking his hand and pulling him towards the broken window that would allow them to climb out onto the graphiti-covered surface if the Needle.
~~**~~
Now, several days later, Logan breathlessly reached the top of the stairs and looked into the dilapidated dining room, remember every nuance of their conversation. The ghosts of the past several days haunted Logan like sadistic specter that wouldn't leave. He remembered every word, every touch, and every action. He climbed out the window and sat down on the metallic surface, remembering the last time he had visited here.
~~**~~
Max had held his hand and guided him across the slanting surface. She had made sure he was seated before stepping closer to the edge herself, overlooking the foggy city of Seattle. He remembered thinking how graceful, beautiful and majestic she had looked as she stood there, as though she was a queen overlooking her kingdom. Truly, she had Seattle at her feet. Partially to forget his won numbing fear of heights, and partially out of plain old infatuation, Logan had watched Max. Studied her. Observing the way the wind toyed with her hair like a lover, the way he wanted to; the way she held herself; the way she moved; the sighs she made and the way she pursed and licked her lips distractedly, obviously absorbed in thought. He had wished he could read her mind, know exactly what she was thinking, know exactly how she was feeling. He had an idea, probably an accurate one-they were, after all, connected. Her blood had created between them a deep connection. Logan almost believed their hearts beat at the same rhythm.
"You okay?" she had asked after a while. She must have felt his eyes boring into her.
Logan sat on the Needle and looked at the spot where Max had stood not many days ago, and remembered his reply, "Sure. This is fun." Truthfully, he had been scared out of his mind, and she knew it. She had turned and smiled at him reassuringly. The flash of teeth and the friendly and loving upward curl of her lip had been enough to sedate his fears, however temporarily.
"I look down at the people and I think about how everybody's got problems," Max had said, staring down at the world below them. Logan remembered thinking that they truly were the only ones in the world up on the Needle. How he had wished it could stay that way, that in a few hours he wouldn't be sending her back to Manticore on an extremely dangerous mission. "Maybe not a secret government agency on their ass," Max had continued. "But, you know, problems." She had turned to face him, the wind whipping her hair out of the way so he could see more of her lovely face, "And if I sit up here long enough I start to feel like I'm just one of those people, a regular girl."
Logan had smiled and said, "Well, I hate to break it to you, Max, but you're never going to be a regular anything." She had smiled at him and walked back to where he had been sitting.
~~**~~
As he sat in the same spot after her death, Logan could practically feel the heat of her body and the smell of her skin, as he had that night. She had sat beside him, nearly snuggling close to his body. All he had to do was slip his arm across her shoulder and pull her to him but he hadn't. She had been too absorbed in thought. Her brain had been too in the game for him to distract her.
~~**~~
"I know you're not too chill with what's going on tonight," Max had said to him. "And I thank you for keeping your concerns to yourself. It's a bitch psyching yourself up for battle when people are throwing around words like 'deathwatch.'"
Logan had looked at her, "Well, I think I know you well enough by now. There's no stopping you if there's something you need to do, especially when it comes to your family."
Max had turned to face him, her eyes full of honesty and sincerity, "You're my family as much as anyone." She had been so heartfelt, so expressive, that Logan had known she was telling the truth. He felt the same way- she was his family too, more so than his won blood family. "Only we're never going to be any kind of anything if it keeps on like this," she had finished.
"I know," he had replied. Logan tried telling her with his eyes how much he knew, that he knew they were family, and that he knew they weren't going to get anymore if Manticore didn't keep getting in their way. He had made a vow to himself at that moment that if they got through the mission, then he was going to take some real time off and just get to know her. He had wanted to develop and nurture their relationship. It was not something he had wanted to slip away because he was too focused on work.
Max had turned her head away from him, her mind somewhat on the same track as his, "One way or another, after tomorrow the world's going to be a different place for me." His dark angel captured his gaze and pierced straight into his soul, "For both of us."
~~**~~
Logan sighed and stared out at Seattle. It was still damp, cool, and overcast. Even though Max had died, his reason for living had vanished, the world still went on as normal. Everyone was still going about their daily lives, working for his or her own quid pro quo. He wondered if Max had known when they had sat together how different the world was going to be without her. How different his world was without her.
~~**~~
"It's going to be alright," he had told her. Had he really believed that? Maybe he had wanted to, needed to. Otherwise, he might not have been able to let her go on the mission in the first place. Max had made some comment about a bird after that. He had wanted to ask her what she meant and why she and her siblings had been so freaked out by a crow, but he had refrained. He knew that if she had wanted to tell him, she would have.
They had sat in silence for a long time, just looking out over Seattle. Eventually, Max had reached over and grabbed his wrist, looking at his watch. "We should get back," she had said, a hint of sadness and regret in her voice.
Logan had brought her hand to his lips and kissed her fingers. "Okay," he had said softly. He took her hand and they had climbed back through the window. Back at the hatch, they had once again climbed into their harnesses, this time Logan had connected them while max threaded the line. "This is going to be faster than when we came up," she had told him. From the look in her eyes, Logan could tell Max had wished their descent wasn't going to be faster than their ascent. They had both wanted it to last forever. Because they had known that once they touched the ground, they would be forced back into the real world. On top of the Needle, Logan had felt that they were somehow outside of the harsh reality they lived in, if only for a few moments.
Logan had kept his arms firmly around her the entire descent. She had rested her head against his chest, silently threading the line as they headed for the ground. When their feet hit the pavement, Logan had felt Max tighten her arms around him briefly, before disentangling themselves and extracting them from the harness. Then, with a tug, she had yanked the line down from the top of the Needle. "We might need this tonight," she explained, throwing it in the back of the car.
Climbing in beside her, Logan had abandoned his earlier desire not to put his arm around her. "Why don't you close your eyes for a while. Catch a few zzzz's before we get back to the warehouse. I know you don't sleep, but you're gonna need all the strength you can to beat this bitch." He had smiled wryly, knowing she would find it amusing the rich white boy had used her street lingo.
Max had chuckled and gladly closed her eyes, leaning her head against his shoulder, lightly running her fingertips over his stubble and kissing his jaw line before allowing herself to doze off.
~~**~~
Sitting on top of the Needle, Logan thanked God he had done that. It was another memory of Max in his arms, memories of which he had too few. One of which was excruciatingly painful.
~~**~~
Before Logan had realized, it had been time for the X-5s to fall out. He had tried to keep himself busy inside the truck, and had hacked into the Manticore security cameras just as he heard Lydecker say he'd detonate the charges once all his kids were clear. Zach had given the order to fall out and the three X-5s had split, in total business mode. Max had hung back, shuffling her feet ever so slightly and looking nervously at Logan.
"I'd kiss you," she said sadly. "But I have to keep my head in the game."
Logan had nodded, understanding. In hindsight, he wished he *had* kissed her then, for it would have been the last kiss he would bestow upon her. Instead, he had reached out and cupped her face in his hand, running his thumb along her jaw line and tangling his fingers in her hair. He wanted to remember these sensations. He touched her shoulder and said softly, "Just come back." He had smoothed her hair and stepped back, letting her go. He remembered that Max had looked at him for a few more seconds before resigning herself to what had to be done and ran off to join the others.
During the actual mission, Logan had tried as hard as he could to be objective, to keep his own head in the game and not to be constantly focused on Max. Krit and Syl had popped up on his radar first and he and Lydecker had steered them through with ease. Then Logan had stared at the other monitor, waiting for Max and Zach to appear. Thankfully, they had moments later and Max had asked, "Logan?"
"I've got you Max," he had said firmly. He had wanted her to know that he was there. That he would always be there. The mission had gone smoothly, even in the first few moments after the alarm began to sound. It wasn't until Lydecker had opened his trap and told them about Brin that things had gone south. Logan almost wished Lydecker hadn't mentioned it, but he knew they had to know. Brin could have disarmed the bombs and made their entire mission for naught, or she could have died in the blast. And Logan had known Max wouldn't let that happen. Looking at the monitor, Logan could tell Zach wanted to fight Max on it. But the serious and earnest look Max had shot at the camera, at Logan, just reaffirmed he could not tell her no. He had been right up on the Needle. She was going to do whatever she set her mind to, especially for her family.
The moments Max had been on radio silence as she tracked Brin were unbearable. The seconds were ticking by and Logan had known there was a pack of X-7s in the field, searching madly for the rogues. When he had seen max sprint out of the compound, his heart had sung. She was clear. With some persuasion, Lydecker had detonated the lab and Logan's mind had immediately returned to getting the soldiers back to home, especially Max. Syl and Krit were most definitely on their way back. Zach and Max were another story. "I'm almost home!" Max had answered him as Logan began ticking away the seconds until the nightmare would be over and their normal life together could begin.
But a single gunshot had changed everything.
~~**~~
Logan sat on top of the Space Needle and jumped when he heard a car backfire on the ground below. Tears filled his eyes and he hung his head, remembering each second of what had happened next, feeling as though everything had happened in slow motion. He still couldn't quite grasp what had happened. It was too unbelievable. After all they had been through, after coming so close to happiness and normality, it had been sucked away from them with a single gunshot. It truly did seem like it had happened to someone else-like maybe it was a story he had heard. Sometimes if he closed his eyes, he could forget the sound of the gunshot, the feeling of utter dread that had run through him as he had run from the van and into the woods in search of Max, praying she was okay.
~~**~~
*Scarlet red drips from my veins
What's wrong with me that I imagine such things
And if only for a moment
Let there be peace*
When he had come upon her wounded body, his heart had stopped. The breath had caught in his throat and all his worst fears were realized. Logan Cale knew pain more acutely than he had ever known it. Seeing Max so wounded was worse than any pain he had felt because of his paralysis, physical or emotional. Seeing her bleeding and dying brought an ache that ran straight through his soul and a blinding pain for which there was no easing. "Max!" he had cried, his voice strangled. Logan had dropped to the earth beside her and gathered her up in his arms, cradling her like a baby, rocking her and desperately looking for some sign of life. Her mouth had worked and her eyes took a few minutes to focus on his face. "Max. Oh, God. Okay, it's okay. You're going to be okay." He kept wishing she would be. But there had been so much blood...
He had pulled open the front of her camouflage and seen the hole in her chest where the bullet had entered. He wondered if she was in great pain. He hoped not. The blood was beginning to gush form the wound and some of it had already dried, dark and black, on her skin and on the fabric, making it stiff. "This isn't bad," he had lied, more to himself than to her.
*And how can I live with this pain
I don't have the strength to conquer this shame
And if only for a moment
Let there be peace*
Max had known she was dying. When her eyes finally focused on his face, his angel had smiled and murmured his name, "Logan." Her eyes were wet with unshed tears and Logan could tell by the statement on her face she had known she was dying. But the smile told him she was glad he was there with her, glad if she was going to die, it was going to be in his arms.
"It's okay. You're going to be all right," he had whispered, trying not to weep, his face close to hers. His eyes were wild. He was in shock. He couldn't believe this was happening.
"I'm sorry," she had moaned, beginning to weep. Max had turned her face into his chest and had cried.
"No, no, no, no," he had said soothingly, aching even more to see her cry. "No, we're going to get you out of here." Logan had tried to scoop her up in his arms, but she was dead weight and he was in too much shock to get his upper body to respond in the way he wanted it to. "Okay, it's going to be all right," Logan had said to his beloved, rocking her as she had wept.
*And tell me did you know
That I still won't let it go
And just maybe you're still flying free
If only*
"There's something I've got to tell you," Max had said, her voice hoarse, her tone pleading and full of grief and regret. "I should have told you a long time ago." She had begun to cry again, harder, and Logan had been afraid it would waste too much of her diminishing strength. Even though he felt her growing increasingly limp in his arms and could literally see the life flowing out of her, he still believed she was going to be okay. She had just needed to relax, and he was going to get her help.
"It can wait," he had told her, his eyes full of tears. *Please don't die Max,* he had thought, wishing they had some kind of telepathy, that she could hear him.
"Logan," she had said again, as though she was going to tell him whatever it was she should have told him a long time ago. He moved his face closer to hers, waiting to hear what it was she had so desperately wanted to tell him.
"Max."
But then her eyes had rolled back in her head and her lids had closed. Her head had rolled to one side and Logan felt her chest deflate as she expelled a final breath. He waited for her to take another, but he never felt her chest rise against his.
"Max." He had shaken her. "Max." Had taken her delicate face in his large hands, praying she would open her eyes. However, when she had failed to open her eyes, the heavy realization and pain had set in. "Max. No. Max. No." It was a litany. A prayer. A request. Logan had sobbed, pulling Max's limp body closer to his and burying his face in her hair. He had barely registered Lydecker's presence at first, but when the man had checked her for a pulse, Logan had been briefly filled with hope. Maybe she had just passed out, not died. Maybe she wasn't really gone. Maybe...
"She's gone."
No! Everything within Logan's being had cried no. "I'm going to get her back inside," he had said through his weeping, trying to scoop her up and get his body to comply, to stand, to carry her back to where they could help her.
And damn her.
"No!" Lydecker had commanded.
"They can fix her up in there," Logan had said desperately, not willing to believe she was really dead. She had just been there. Smiling at him. Saying his name. She had something to tell him. He had to know what it was. Why was she gone? They were supposed to be in a different world now. Manticore was gone. They were going to be able to be happy...
"Listen, I know how you feel, son, but you've got to let her go." Lydecker was adamant. But Logan refused to let her go. He couldn't. He tried picking her up again. The next thing he felt was pain in his head and the world had gone black. When he had awoken, Max was gone, and they were back in the van. Lydecker was driving and Syl and Krit were sitting in the command chairs, looking bereaved. Logan had sat up cautiously, trying to ignore the dizziness and pain in his head.
*Tell me why I left you alone
I searched for your voice
And I should have known
That if only for a moment
You'd be with me*
"How could you leave her?" he had asked. "They could have helped her."
"They would have turned her," Krit had said bitterly.
"Max, turned?" Logan had spat, feeling an overwhelming sense of déjà vu. "You don't know her at all, do you?"
"She was my sister!" Krit had cried, springing to his feet.
"Well I loved her too!" Logan bellowed, before the dizziness overtook him and he had been forced to rest his head against the side of the van.
*And tell me did you know
That I still won't let it go
And just maybe you're still flying free*
"She loved you too," Syl had whispered, sliding off her chair and sitting next to Logan. "I could see it."
Logan had looked at Max's sister and once again tears filled his eyes. "She tried to tell me," he said brokenly. "She tried and I told her it could wait." He felt Syl put her arms around him and he wept. He didn't remember much else after that. He had no idea how he got home, or when Bling had appeared, He didn't remember being forced to eat, or Syl telling him to keep in touch. He didn't remember Lydecker saying he was sorry or Original Cindy coming over, with tears in her eyes. Bling told him she had held him and they had wept together, but Logan didn't remember being held. All he remembered was the numbness.
It had taken a week for the numbness to wear off. Logan had wanted to have a memorial service, but Cindy told him Jam Pony had already done one during his catatonia. Logan had wept again and left, coming to the Needle. Cindy had taken temporary residence at his place, with Bling's permission. She had said she couldn't return to the apartment, not yet.
*If only I could change the way
You were torn away from me
I would never let you go
I'd learn a way
The plans we made
Return to me
And I am not afraid*
~~**~~
Sitting on top of the Needle, Logan contemplated ending it all. Max wasn't there to save him this time. She was gone. She had been his reason for being for months and now she was gone. She had brought light back into his lonely reclusive world and now she was gone. She was gone and all he felt was pain, grief, and loss. But Logan knew that he couldn't. Because he *was* feeling. He wasn't numb anymore. And he couldn't shake the feeling that she wasn't really gone. Because he still felt in his heart the way he had felt when she was alive. If she was truly dead, Logan firmly believed he would feel it in his soul. Max had felt it when he was dying, he was sure of it. They were connected, bonded, even before the first transfusion.
All he could hope was that she was okay, out there somewhere, waiting for him to find her, or trying to come back. On top of the Needle Logan vowed to find her, to find something. Her friends deserved to know where she was, one way or another. And he deserved closure.
"I'm gonna find you Max, I promise," Logan vowed as he stood and climbed back through the broken window.
*And tell me did you know
That I still won't let it go
And just maybe you're still flying free
And tell me did you know
That I still can't let you go
And just maybe you're still flying free
If only*
"Find me Logan," Max whispered to the darkness of the Manticore infirmary, lulled by the sound of Zach's beating heart. The music, however dreadful, of her brother's heart, did not drown out the sound of Logan's voice. Maybe she was hearing things, delusional from all the drugs they had her on. But she and Logan were connected. By blood and love and battle and loneliness and the solace they had found in each other. In her hospital bed, Max vowed to return to Seattle, to fight the reprogramming. Damn the Renfro bitch, she *would* see Logan again.
"Find me."
~~**~~
END
Author's note 2: This is, obviously, the fic for "And Jesus Brought a Casserole"...it's primarily Logan's POV, but I couldn't leave poor Max out, could I? Please be aware that this story fluctuates between Logan's thoughts and actions in the now, and his thoughts *then*, as in during AJBAC. The song is "If Only" by Tiffany...yes, you heard me right, Tiffany. As in sweater dresses, shopping malls and that 80's hit "I Think We're Alone Now." This song, however, is good and captures, I think, some of Logan's thoughts.
Authors Notes 3: Thanks to my incredible betas, Lady Callie and Evil Twin. You guys are incredible and have helped make my fics so much better. Get ready to work, ma sistahs; I'm gonna have some heavy-duty fics for you two to beta soon. BTW, Callie, if you still have it, can you send me that outline for the rest of "Air" that I ran by you about a month ago? I can't find it in my stuff. Thanks.
Disclaimers: As always, none of it's mine, I don't own any of it, even if I wish I did. Max, Logan, and all things "Dark Angel" belong to Eglee and He Who Thinks He's the King of the World. Michael Weatherly belongs to Jessica Alba and vice versa, and the song belongs to Tiffany and whoever wrote it. Thanks to the Eyes Only website for getting transcripts posted to help this poor old fic writer.
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Logan Cale parked his Aztec at the base of the ramshackle Space Needle and turned off the engine, sighing dejectedly. He looked up at the imposing structure that had once been a Seattle landmark and internationally known piece of architecture, and felt no fear, despite its incredible height. The sky was overcast, as usual, and it was cool and damp, as usual, even though it was springtime. Logan took a deep breath and stepped out of the car, still somewhat marveling over the fact that he *could* step, as opposed to the shifting and sliding in and out of the wheelchair he had grown accustomed to over the last nine months. The servos on the exo made whirring noises with each step Logan took, as he, with heavy heart, began the ascent up the Needle.
He knew Max usually ascended the thing with ease, thanks to her feline DNA. She had told him once not long after she first suggested taking him up there that she merely scaled the narrower parts until she reached the part of the structure that used to be a spinning restaurant, at which point she broke into a service hatch; it was easier than climbing over the rounder parts of the building. When she had taken him there though, she had been kind enough to bring along rappelling line. Logan couldn't believe how little time had passed since he and Max had taken their first and last trip together, to the top of the Space Needle. Max had been right- it *did* feel as though they were on top of the world.
She had fired the rappelling line up and waited for it to hook securely on something up top. She gave the line several firm tugs before she was satisfied with its level of safety. She had looked at Logan, who, for his part, had been trying to keep his knees from knocking. He was sure the metal exoskeleton would have only amplified the sound of his fear. Max, in her own devilish way, had been acutely aware of his fear of heights. Without a word, she had helped him get into the harness, and then slipped into her own. Then she had connected their harnesses together so that they were facing each other, and clipped on the hook that was connected to the line. She had looked him deeply in the eyes and smiled, "You scared?"
~~**~~
Now, days after Max's death, Logan looked up, hearing Max's voice ring in his ears.
~~**~~
That day, Logan had looked up and sighed, "No, not at all."
"Liar," she had retorted, kissing the tip of his nose. Max squeezed his hands, "Come on. It'll be fun, I promise." She ran her hands through his hair, "Besides, I've got you. We've already done something like this once before. It'll be all good, I promise."
~~**~~
However, it hadn't been all-good, Logan thought sadly as he broke the lock on the service entrance at the base of the Space Needle and began the long climb up to the top.
~~**~~
Days ago, Logan had forced a smile, knowing he couldn't say no to her, "I'm only doing this because it's you, you know that right? You're the only one who could convince me to do this."
"I know," she had grinned. "Thank you." Max kissed him lightly. Before he could deepen it, she pulled away. "You could always stay down here and wait for me."
"I'd wait for you forever," he had replied, yearning to continue with the kiss. "But I'm not letting you out of my sight. Not for a minute." Logan leaned in to kiss her.
Before his lips found their mark, Max replied, "That's what I thought you'd say." Then she began pulling the rope and lifting them off the ground, towards their destination. Graciously, she had not laughed at him when he gasped as he felt his feet lift off the ground. "Relax," she had said, continuing to thread the line. "It's gonna be fine." Max had pressed her forehead to his and began kissing him intensely, knowing he would be helpless to resist.
Eventually, he had broken the kiss, keeping their faces close together, saying, "You trying to distract me?"
Max had nodded, "And it worked too. Look."
Logan had looked up to find that they were nearing the well-used hatch with the broken lock. He had expelled a breath he didn't know he'd been holding, "Thank god you can multitask and parallel process like there's no tomorrow, or that little make out session would have been the end of us."
Max had reached up and pulled the door open, "That's why you're so lucky you hooked up with a genetically engineered killing machine." She grabbed onto a bar and pulled them both through the door so that they were lying on the floor.
Logan helped her unattach their harnesses and they pulled each other to their feet. She started towards the old dining room but he held her hands tightly. He stepped toe to toe with her and made her look at him. "Max," he had said softly. "I meant what I said the other day. You have nothing to be sorry for...or ashamed of. I know who you are. I know what you are. And you're definitely not a genetically enhanced killing machine. I'm sorry for calling you that; you're not a killing machine. You're more than that." He had tipped her chin with his forefinger. "Remember what I said the second time you broke into my apartment? I said you had probably the most singularly beautiful face I've ever seen."
Max had smiled, and quoted herself, "Expensive gifts, surprise late-night visits, over-the-top flattery. Do you always come on this strong?"
Seeing what she was doing, Logan had played along, "Only when I meet someone I have to know everything about."
"And do you?" Max had asked, looking up into his eyes.
"No," he had replied honestly. "But I want to. And I can't wait until I know everything about you. I can't wait until you feel safe enough to let me in on everything."
Max had gazed deep into his eyes and he could see that she so desperately wanted to believe him. She must have found what she was looking for, because she cocked her head slightly and said, her voice full of mischief, "And what about you, Logan Cale? I don't know everything about you yet either? Is that gonna change or is this only a one way street?"
Logan had kissed her gently, "It's a two way street, I promise."
"Good," Max had smiled, taking his hand and pulling him towards the broken window that would allow them to climb out onto the graphiti-covered surface if the Needle.
~~**~~
Now, several days later, Logan breathlessly reached the top of the stairs and looked into the dilapidated dining room, remember every nuance of their conversation. The ghosts of the past several days haunted Logan like sadistic specter that wouldn't leave. He remembered every word, every touch, and every action. He climbed out the window and sat down on the metallic surface, remembering the last time he had visited here.
~~**~~
Max had held his hand and guided him across the slanting surface. She had made sure he was seated before stepping closer to the edge herself, overlooking the foggy city of Seattle. He remembered thinking how graceful, beautiful and majestic she had looked as she stood there, as though she was a queen overlooking her kingdom. Truly, she had Seattle at her feet. Partially to forget his won numbing fear of heights, and partially out of plain old infatuation, Logan had watched Max. Studied her. Observing the way the wind toyed with her hair like a lover, the way he wanted to; the way she held herself; the way she moved; the sighs she made and the way she pursed and licked her lips distractedly, obviously absorbed in thought. He had wished he could read her mind, know exactly what she was thinking, know exactly how she was feeling. He had an idea, probably an accurate one-they were, after all, connected. Her blood had created between them a deep connection. Logan almost believed their hearts beat at the same rhythm.
"You okay?" she had asked after a while. She must have felt his eyes boring into her.
Logan sat on the Needle and looked at the spot where Max had stood not many days ago, and remembered his reply, "Sure. This is fun." Truthfully, he had been scared out of his mind, and she knew it. She had turned and smiled at him reassuringly. The flash of teeth and the friendly and loving upward curl of her lip had been enough to sedate his fears, however temporarily.
"I look down at the people and I think about how everybody's got problems," Max had said, staring down at the world below them. Logan remembered thinking that they truly were the only ones in the world up on the Needle. How he had wished it could stay that way, that in a few hours he wouldn't be sending her back to Manticore on an extremely dangerous mission. "Maybe not a secret government agency on their ass," Max had continued. "But, you know, problems." She had turned to face him, the wind whipping her hair out of the way so he could see more of her lovely face, "And if I sit up here long enough I start to feel like I'm just one of those people, a regular girl."
Logan had smiled and said, "Well, I hate to break it to you, Max, but you're never going to be a regular anything." She had smiled at him and walked back to where he had been sitting.
~~**~~
As he sat in the same spot after her death, Logan could practically feel the heat of her body and the smell of her skin, as he had that night. She had sat beside him, nearly snuggling close to his body. All he had to do was slip his arm across her shoulder and pull her to him but he hadn't. She had been too absorbed in thought. Her brain had been too in the game for him to distract her.
~~**~~
"I know you're not too chill with what's going on tonight," Max had said to him. "And I thank you for keeping your concerns to yourself. It's a bitch psyching yourself up for battle when people are throwing around words like 'deathwatch.'"
Logan had looked at her, "Well, I think I know you well enough by now. There's no stopping you if there's something you need to do, especially when it comes to your family."
Max had turned to face him, her eyes full of honesty and sincerity, "You're my family as much as anyone." She had been so heartfelt, so expressive, that Logan had known she was telling the truth. He felt the same way- she was his family too, more so than his won blood family. "Only we're never going to be any kind of anything if it keeps on like this," she had finished.
"I know," he had replied. Logan tried telling her with his eyes how much he knew, that he knew they were family, and that he knew they weren't going to get anymore if Manticore didn't keep getting in their way. He had made a vow to himself at that moment that if they got through the mission, then he was going to take some real time off and just get to know her. He had wanted to develop and nurture their relationship. It was not something he had wanted to slip away because he was too focused on work.
Max had turned her head away from him, her mind somewhat on the same track as his, "One way or another, after tomorrow the world's going to be a different place for me." His dark angel captured his gaze and pierced straight into his soul, "For both of us."
~~**~~
Logan sighed and stared out at Seattle. It was still damp, cool, and overcast. Even though Max had died, his reason for living had vanished, the world still went on as normal. Everyone was still going about their daily lives, working for his or her own quid pro quo. He wondered if Max had known when they had sat together how different the world was going to be without her. How different his world was without her.
~~**~~
"It's going to be alright," he had told her. Had he really believed that? Maybe he had wanted to, needed to. Otherwise, he might not have been able to let her go on the mission in the first place. Max had made some comment about a bird after that. He had wanted to ask her what she meant and why she and her siblings had been so freaked out by a crow, but he had refrained. He knew that if she had wanted to tell him, she would have.
They had sat in silence for a long time, just looking out over Seattle. Eventually, Max had reached over and grabbed his wrist, looking at his watch. "We should get back," she had said, a hint of sadness and regret in her voice.
Logan had brought her hand to his lips and kissed her fingers. "Okay," he had said softly. He took her hand and they had climbed back through the window. Back at the hatch, they had once again climbed into their harnesses, this time Logan had connected them while max threaded the line. "This is going to be faster than when we came up," she had told him. From the look in her eyes, Logan could tell Max had wished their descent wasn't going to be faster than their ascent. They had both wanted it to last forever. Because they had known that once they touched the ground, they would be forced back into the real world. On top of the Needle, Logan had felt that they were somehow outside of the harsh reality they lived in, if only for a few moments.
Logan had kept his arms firmly around her the entire descent. She had rested her head against his chest, silently threading the line as they headed for the ground. When their feet hit the pavement, Logan had felt Max tighten her arms around him briefly, before disentangling themselves and extracting them from the harness. Then, with a tug, she had yanked the line down from the top of the Needle. "We might need this tonight," she explained, throwing it in the back of the car.
Climbing in beside her, Logan had abandoned his earlier desire not to put his arm around her. "Why don't you close your eyes for a while. Catch a few zzzz's before we get back to the warehouse. I know you don't sleep, but you're gonna need all the strength you can to beat this bitch." He had smiled wryly, knowing she would find it amusing the rich white boy had used her street lingo.
Max had chuckled and gladly closed her eyes, leaning her head against his shoulder, lightly running her fingertips over his stubble and kissing his jaw line before allowing herself to doze off.
~~**~~
Sitting on top of the Needle, Logan thanked God he had done that. It was another memory of Max in his arms, memories of which he had too few. One of which was excruciatingly painful.
~~**~~
Before Logan had realized, it had been time for the X-5s to fall out. He had tried to keep himself busy inside the truck, and had hacked into the Manticore security cameras just as he heard Lydecker say he'd detonate the charges once all his kids were clear. Zach had given the order to fall out and the three X-5s had split, in total business mode. Max had hung back, shuffling her feet ever so slightly and looking nervously at Logan.
"I'd kiss you," she said sadly. "But I have to keep my head in the game."
Logan had nodded, understanding. In hindsight, he wished he *had* kissed her then, for it would have been the last kiss he would bestow upon her. Instead, he had reached out and cupped her face in his hand, running his thumb along her jaw line and tangling his fingers in her hair. He wanted to remember these sensations. He touched her shoulder and said softly, "Just come back." He had smoothed her hair and stepped back, letting her go. He remembered that Max had looked at him for a few more seconds before resigning herself to what had to be done and ran off to join the others.
During the actual mission, Logan had tried as hard as he could to be objective, to keep his own head in the game and not to be constantly focused on Max. Krit and Syl had popped up on his radar first and he and Lydecker had steered them through with ease. Then Logan had stared at the other monitor, waiting for Max and Zach to appear. Thankfully, they had moments later and Max had asked, "Logan?"
"I've got you Max," he had said firmly. He had wanted her to know that he was there. That he would always be there. The mission had gone smoothly, even in the first few moments after the alarm began to sound. It wasn't until Lydecker had opened his trap and told them about Brin that things had gone south. Logan almost wished Lydecker hadn't mentioned it, but he knew they had to know. Brin could have disarmed the bombs and made their entire mission for naught, or she could have died in the blast. And Logan had known Max wouldn't let that happen. Looking at the monitor, Logan could tell Zach wanted to fight Max on it. But the serious and earnest look Max had shot at the camera, at Logan, just reaffirmed he could not tell her no. He had been right up on the Needle. She was going to do whatever she set her mind to, especially for her family.
The moments Max had been on radio silence as she tracked Brin were unbearable. The seconds were ticking by and Logan had known there was a pack of X-7s in the field, searching madly for the rogues. When he had seen max sprint out of the compound, his heart had sung. She was clear. With some persuasion, Lydecker had detonated the lab and Logan's mind had immediately returned to getting the soldiers back to home, especially Max. Syl and Krit were most definitely on their way back. Zach and Max were another story. "I'm almost home!" Max had answered him as Logan began ticking away the seconds until the nightmare would be over and their normal life together could begin.
But a single gunshot had changed everything.
~~**~~
Logan sat on top of the Space Needle and jumped when he heard a car backfire on the ground below. Tears filled his eyes and he hung his head, remembering each second of what had happened next, feeling as though everything had happened in slow motion. He still couldn't quite grasp what had happened. It was too unbelievable. After all they had been through, after coming so close to happiness and normality, it had been sucked away from them with a single gunshot. It truly did seem like it had happened to someone else-like maybe it was a story he had heard. Sometimes if he closed his eyes, he could forget the sound of the gunshot, the feeling of utter dread that had run through him as he had run from the van and into the woods in search of Max, praying she was okay.
~~**~~
*Scarlet red drips from my veins
What's wrong with me that I imagine such things
And if only for a moment
Let there be peace*
When he had come upon her wounded body, his heart had stopped. The breath had caught in his throat and all his worst fears were realized. Logan Cale knew pain more acutely than he had ever known it. Seeing Max so wounded was worse than any pain he had felt because of his paralysis, physical or emotional. Seeing her bleeding and dying brought an ache that ran straight through his soul and a blinding pain for which there was no easing. "Max!" he had cried, his voice strangled. Logan had dropped to the earth beside her and gathered her up in his arms, cradling her like a baby, rocking her and desperately looking for some sign of life. Her mouth had worked and her eyes took a few minutes to focus on his face. "Max. Oh, God. Okay, it's okay. You're going to be okay." He kept wishing she would be. But there had been so much blood...
He had pulled open the front of her camouflage and seen the hole in her chest where the bullet had entered. He wondered if she was in great pain. He hoped not. The blood was beginning to gush form the wound and some of it had already dried, dark and black, on her skin and on the fabric, making it stiff. "This isn't bad," he had lied, more to himself than to her.
*And how can I live with this pain
I don't have the strength to conquer this shame
And if only for a moment
Let there be peace*
Max had known she was dying. When her eyes finally focused on his face, his angel had smiled and murmured his name, "Logan." Her eyes were wet with unshed tears and Logan could tell by the statement on her face she had known she was dying. But the smile told him she was glad he was there with her, glad if she was going to die, it was going to be in his arms.
"It's okay. You're going to be all right," he had whispered, trying not to weep, his face close to hers. His eyes were wild. He was in shock. He couldn't believe this was happening.
"I'm sorry," she had moaned, beginning to weep. Max had turned her face into his chest and had cried.
"No, no, no, no," he had said soothingly, aching even more to see her cry. "No, we're going to get you out of here." Logan had tried to scoop her up in his arms, but she was dead weight and he was in too much shock to get his upper body to respond in the way he wanted it to. "Okay, it's going to be all right," Logan had said to his beloved, rocking her as she had wept.
*And tell me did you know
That I still won't let it go
And just maybe you're still flying free
If only*
"There's something I've got to tell you," Max had said, her voice hoarse, her tone pleading and full of grief and regret. "I should have told you a long time ago." She had begun to cry again, harder, and Logan had been afraid it would waste too much of her diminishing strength. Even though he felt her growing increasingly limp in his arms and could literally see the life flowing out of her, he still believed she was going to be okay. She had just needed to relax, and he was going to get her help.
"It can wait," he had told her, his eyes full of tears. *Please don't die Max,* he had thought, wishing they had some kind of telepathy, that she could hear him.
"Logan," she had said again, as though she was going to tell him whatever it was she should have told him a long time ago. He moved his face closer to hers, waiting to hear what it was she had so desperately wanted to tell him.
"Max."
But then her eyes had rolled back in her head and her lids had closed. Her head had rolled to one side and Logan felt her chest deflate as she expelled a final breath. He waited for her to take another, but he never felt her chest rise against his.
"Max." He had shaken her. "Max." Had taken her delicate face in his large hands, praying she would open her eyes. However, when she had failed to open her eyes, the heavy realization and pain had set in. "Max. No. Max. No." It was a litany. A prayer. A request. Logan had sobbed, pulling Max's limp body closer to his and burying his face in her hair. He had barely registered Lydecker's presence at first, but when the man had checked her for a pulse, Logan had been briefly filled with hope. Maybe she had just passed out, not died. Maybe she wasn't really gone. Maybe...
"She's gone."
No! Everything within Logan's being had cried no. "I'm going to get her back inside," he had said through his weeping, trying to scoop her up and get his body to comply, to stand, to carry her back to where they could help her.
And damn her.
"No!" Lydecker had commanded.
"They can fix her up in there," Logan had said desperately, not willing to believe she was really dead. She had just been there. Smiling at him. Saying his name. She had something to tell him. He had to know what it was. Why was she gone? They were supposed to be in a different world now. Manticore was gone. They were going to be able to be happy...
"Listen, I know how you feel, son, but you've got to let her go." Lydecker was adamant. But Logan refused to let her go. He couldn't. He tried picking her up again. The next thing he felt was pain in his head and the world had gone black. When he had awoken, Max was gone, and they were back in the van. Lydecker was driving and Syl and Krit were sitting in the command chairs, looking bereaved. Logan had sat up cautiously, trying to ignore the dizziness and pain in his head.
*Tell me why I left you alone
I searched for your voice
And I should have known
That if only for a moment
You'd be with me*
"How could you leave her?" he had asked. "They could have helped her."
"They would have turned her," Krit had said bitterly.
"Max, turned?" Logan had spat, feeling an overwhelming sense of déjà vu. "You don't know her at all, do you?"
"She was my sister!" Krit had cried, springing to his feet.
"Well I loved her too!" Logan bellowed, before the dizziness overtook him and he had been forced to rest his head against the side of the van.
*And tell me did you know
That I still won't let it go
And just maybe you're still flying free*
"She loved you too," Syl had whispered, sliding off her chair and sitting next to Logan. "I could see it."
Logan had looked at Max's sister and once again tears filled his eyes. "She tried to tell me," he said brokenly. "She tried and I told her it could wait." He felt Syl put her arms around him and he wept. He didn't remember much else after that. He had no idea how he got home, or when Bling had appeared, He didn't remember being forced to eat, or Syl telling him to keep in touch. He didn't remember Lydecker saying he was sorry or Original Cindy coming over, with tears in her eyes. Bling told him she had held him and they had wept together, but Logan didn't remember being held. All he remembered was the numbness.
It had taken a week for the numbness to wear off. Logan had wanted to have a memorial service, but Cindy told him Jam Pony had already done one during his catatonia. Logan had wept again and left, coming to the Needle. Cindy had taken temporary residence at his place, with Bling's permission. She had said she couldn't return to the apartment, not yet.
*If only I could change the way
You were torn away from me
I would never let you go
I'd learn a way
The plans we made
Return to me
And I am not afraid*
~~**~~
Sitting on top of the Needle, Logan contemplated ending it all. Max wasn't there to save him this time. She was gone. She had been his reason for being for months and now she was gone. She had brought light back into his lonely reclusive world and now she was gone. She was gone and all he felt was pain, grief, and loss. But Logan knew that he couldn't. Because he *was* feeling. He wasn't numb anymore. And he couldn't shake the feeling that she wasn't really gone. Because he still felt in his heart the way he had felt when she was alive. If she was truly dead, Logan firmly believed he would feel it in his soul. Max had felt it when he was dying, he was sure of it. They were connected, bonded, even before the first transfusion.
All he could hope was that she was okay, out there somewhere, waiting for him to find her, or trying to come back. On top of the Needle Logan vowed to find her, to find something. Her friends deserved to know where she was, one way or another. And he deserved closure.
"I'm gonna find you Max, I promise," Logan vowed as he stood and climbed back through the broken window.
*And tell me did you know
That I still won't let it go
And just maybe you're still flying free
And tell me did you know
That I still can't let you go
And just maybe you're still flying free
If only*
"Find me Logan," Max whispered to the darkness of the Manticore infirmary, lulled by the sound of Zach's beating heart. The music, however dreadful, of her brother's heart, did not drown out the sound of Logan's voice. Maybe she was hearing things, delusional from all the drugs they had her on. But she and Logan were connected. By blood and love and battle and loneliness and the solace they had found in each other. In her hospital bed, Max vowed to return to Seattle, to fight the reprogramming. Damn the Renfro bitch, she *would* see Logan again.
"Find me."
~~**~~
END
