A/N: I do not own Harry Potter, or The Weakest Link, or Anne Robinson - they were all concieved by other, much more brilliant people. I would also like to state for the record that I am probably the world's biggest fan of The Weakest Link, so by calling Anne Robinson a witch, I mean it in only the most loving way possible - as all Harry Potter fans should understand! :)
It was a typical evening at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft &
Wizardry. Harry Potter sat at the Griffindor table, his dinner
practically untouched as he and his best friend, Ron Weasley,
plotted new Quidditch moves for the upcoming season.
"Now, say this bit of bread here is the seeker, and - here,
now, Hermione, are you going to eat that tomato?"
"Really, it must be nice to eat dinner with people who have
stopped playing with their food like five year olds." Hermione
sighed as she surrendered the rest of her salad to Ron's colorful
Quidditch diagram.
"So, say this lettuce here is a bludger, and you are here
and - "
"Can I have your attention please." Dumbledore's jovial
voice carried over the din of the Great Hall and brought the students
to relative quiet.
"Neville, stop eating the quaffle!" Ron hissed rather
loudly.
"Quiet at the Griffindor table!" McGonagall said severely,
and Ron and Harry sheepishly swept their Quidditch plans into
a napkin. Dumbledore cleared his throat and started again.
"I'm sorry to disturb you at the most important and enjoyable
time of your day, but I have a rather exciting announcement. This
fall, Hogwarts is going to play host to a rather exciting game
show, one that those of you from Muggle families may be familiar
with. It is called The Weakest Link."
A murmur of puzzled conversation began to drift through the Great
Hall.
"The weakest what?" Ron turned to Harry and Hermione.
Harry just shrugged. His summers with the Dursley's did not include
much TV watching, and if they did, Dudley wouldn't be caught dead
watching something that actually required thinking. Hermione,
on the other hand, was looking rather excited.
"The Weakest Link! It's only the greatest game show ever!
Far better than that Millionaire show, if you ask me."
"Isn't that the show with that creepy host, Anne something-or-other?"
asked Dean Thomas. Hermione shot him a look.
"She isn't creepy, Dean. She a strong, intelligent
woman who has the confidence to put people in their place!"
"Ok, easy, Hermione!" Ron said. "Anyway, it's a
Muggle thing, right? So why would the show be coming to Hogwarts?
How do they even know about Hogwarts?"
"Excellent question, Ron." Dumbledore's voice calmly
interrupted the conversation.
"How did he hear us from all the way over there?!" Ron
whispered to Harry.
"Pay attention, Weasley." McGonagall interjected again,
leaving Ron once again stunned silent.
"As I was saying," Dumbledore continued, " we are
to be the fortunate hosts of a very popular Muggle television
show. I'm sure many of you are asking the obvious question - how
would a muggle show possibly know anything about the magical world?
To save a great deal of time and explanation, I will say this:
there are a considerable number of witches and wizards who live
and work within the muggle community, but keep ties to their magical
background. The host of the Weakest Link, Anne Robinson, is one
such person. She has graciously agreed to do a very special magic
addition of The Weakest Link here at Hogwarts during her holiday
this fall. It was decided amongst the heads of each of the four
Houses that a quiz tournament such as this would be the perfect
opportunity for Houses to earn points outside of the classroom
and off the Quidditch field. Houses will therefore be choosing
2 representatives to play in the Inter-House Weakest Link Championship.
The house of the winning player will receive the total number
of house points banked in the game, which is sure to be a considerable
amount. You should all be thinking about who will best represent
you in the tournament, and your head's of house will be collecting
names of those who wish to compete. Voting will take place two
weeks from today. Good luck to everyone!"
"I should have known!" Hermione burst out the moment
Dumbledore stopped talking.
"Should have known what?" Harry asked.
"That she was a witch! It all fits so perfectly now."
"How do you figure?" Dean Thomas asked.
"Look at the clothes she wears, those long black coats and
stuff. Her whole attitude, everything! It's perfect!"
"Well, I take it you'll be trying out for this Weakest whatever,
then, huh?" Ron asked.
"Of course! Can you imagine getting to meet Anne Robinson
in person?! I don't know what I'd do!"
"Probably faint." Ron said dryly. Harry laughed.
"What about you, Harry? Are you going to try out?" Neville
asked tentatively.
"Er- maybe. I hadn't really thought about it." Harry
shrugged.
"This is going to be wonderful." Hermione sighed.
"Hermione, you're starting to scare me."
"Shut up, Ron."
"You know, maybe I'll try out for this thing." Ron said
carefully. Hermione snorted.
"What?? You don't think I'm good enough to compete??"
Ron challenged. Hermione gave him a patronizing glance.
"It's not that, Ron. I just don't think this is your sort
of thing - I doubt that there's going to be many questions about
Quidditch teams or chocolate frogs or whatever. It's a little
more . . . intellectual."
"So you're saying I'm not intellectual?!" Ron fumed,
jumping from his seat. He glanced around at the people sitting
near him, to see their reaction.
"Harry did you hear what she just said?!"
"Er - yes . . . " Harry looked down at his plate and
continued innocently eating his dinner. This was one argument
he did not want to be involved in.
"Look, Ron, I don't want you to take this personally -"
Hermione tried again gently, but Ron cut her off.
"Don't take it personally?! How many other people around
here think I'm a stupid git?!"
"We do!" Fred and George Weasley both cried out from
the other end of the table.
"Shut up!" Ron roared. He whirled back to Hermione,
glaring at her.
"I'm going to try out for this quiz thing, and I'm going
to win!" he shouted at her.
"Not if I have anything to do with it!" Hermione shouted
back. The two of them stood practically nose to nose, screaming
at one another.
"Ron, are you going to eat that pudding?"
"Shut up, Harry!!!"
"Hey, this could be pretty exciting! Bets, anyone?"
George Weasley addressed the Griffindor table, most of which sat
watching the argument with interest.
"Three galleons on Hermione!"
"Yeh, I'm in for five!"
"I'll put two galleons on you, Harry!"
"Wait," Harry started, snapping back to attention, "I'm
not trying out for the show."
The Weasley twins spent the rest of dinner collecting piles of
money all along the table, while Ron and Hermione sat in stony
silence, refusing to even look at each other.
It was going to be a long two weeks.
*******************************************************
Ron and Hermione managed to avoid speaking to one another for
two very tedious, painful weeks. Harry remain stuck between them,
and by the end of the second week he was beginning to get pretty
sick of the both of them. It was with great relief that he entered
the common room on the night of the voting, hoping that the choosing
of the players might lessen the tension between his two best friends.
"All right now, I believe everyone has voted, and I have
had time to tally the results." McGonagall announced to the
usually silent common room. "
The student who relieved the most votes as the Griffindor representative
for the Weakest Link quiz game was Hermione Granger. Congratulations."
Hermione beamed as the other students clapped loudly for her.
She shot a smug look at Ron, who kept his gaze fixed on the tabletop.
"Now, the student who relieved the second highest number
of votes was Harry Potter," McGonagall said, frowning slightly
at the scroll in front of her. "Since Harry Potter did not
submit his name to be chosen for the contest, then our second
representative, with the third highest number of votes, is Ron
Weasley."
"Prepare to lose!" Ron crowed in Hermione's direction.
"The purpose of the game, Weasley, is not to beat the other
Griffindor player. It's to win the most points for the house."
"Sorry, Professor." Ron mumbled, sitting back down.
"The contest is going to take place next Saturday night,
so I hope you will all help Miss Granger and Weasley to prepare.
Any questions?"
Hermione's hand immediately shot into the air.
"Professor McGonagall, when will the contestants get to meet
Ms. Robinson?"
Ron began to snicker under his breath, and Hermione shot him a
fiery look from across the common room.
"All contestants will have an opportunity to meet Ms. Robinson
on Saturday, before the game. She will be staying through the
weekend and will be the guest of honor at the school-wide feast
Sunday afternoon."
"So we'll all get to meet her, then?" Fred Weasley asked,
with a mischievous grin. Professor McGonagall eyed him suspiciously.
"Yes, Weasley, but I would hope you and your brother have
the common sense to refrain from pulling any of your stunts on
Anne Robinson. She is not a person to be trifled with, as I'm
sure any of your classmates who are familiar with her show could
tell you."
As Professor McGonagall strode out of the common room, all eyes
turned to Hermione and Ron, who stood in opposite corners, glaring
at one another.
"If Ron and Hermione manage to kill each other before Saturday,
does that mean you get to play then, Harry?" George Weasley
asked, laughing. The rest of the crowd joined is laughter, and
then slowly began to disperse towards their bedrooms. Harry did
not find the joke amusing, however. He feared George might be
right - Hermione and Ron just might not make it until Saturday.
And if they did manage to curse each other into oblivion,
then he, Harry, would be out not one but two best friends.
He was starting to wonder if Voldemort was somehow in on all this
game show business.
E/N: Stay tund for more of: Hogwarts Presents . . . The Weakest
Link!
