Walking on Broken Glass
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: I own nothing. Characters belong
to Cameron and Eglee. I'm just
borrowing them.
Authors Note: Thanks to everyone who responded to my fic, you people are the
best. Also thanks to Onionroach for
some beta work.
Part 2: Tears
Crying is a way of showing emotion. Emotion is my weakness. That's why I don't
cry. Showing my emotions is dangerous. Letting my feelings show is far more
terrifying in some ways than anything back at Manticore.
I have only cried a few times in my whole life. You would think after all the
trauma, pain and suffering I have been through, that my emotions would have
surfaced more often. But they haven't.
Everyone tells you, 'you shouldn't hide behind a mask.' 'You shouldn't hide your
motives and feelings.' But they have it backwards. If everyone hid behind their
own personal masks, their facades, life would be so much simpler. There would
be no complications from emotions such as hate and love.
Love. Max. Pain. Searing through my body from my hand and heart. At least the
reasoning for my hand's pain is logical. Even if the reason for me damaging it
was not. My heart however, is a completely different matter. One I'd rather not discuss.
The cool sensation of water dripping onto the collar of my leather jacket
shakes me from my reverie. I reach out with my uninjured hand to wipe the water
droplets from my jacket. In doing so I also brush my hand against my hair
making more droplets of rain down on my clothing. It takes me a moment to remember
why my hair is wet.
I remember the shouting and sobbing. The pain of my hand and the trail of
blood. Then the heaviness of my heart as I forced myself to walk down the
stairs and out the building. Into the rain. The cool droplets had been my salvation.
My body, ready to self-destruct from all the anger and pain, had been cooled
down by the icy tears pouring down from the sky. Tears I wanted to shed, but
could not.
Now the anger had seceded, all that was left was the pain. A pain that wrenched
my being so deeply that it hurt just to think about moving. That's when I had collapsed unceremoniously
into the heap in which I now sit. Wallowing in my pain and self-disgust.
I'm so sorry Max. I'm sorry I failed. Sorry I failed you. I just couldn't go through
with it. I wanted to with all my heart, but something held me back. Or rather
somewhere. Like you always said, I'm still back at Manticore. But you deserve
the right to at least try and escape. To at least try and live a normal life. You didn't mean what you said. You just didn't want to risk losing your
brother. And you won't. I will always be your brother and protector. Till the day I die. But that's all I can ever be.
I understand this now. I think I always knew this secretly. I just always kept
hope. But hope can't help us. Reality always has a way of slapping you in the
face, just when you think you're free. It was idiotic and selfish to believe.
To believe that we…
Enough. I know what I have to do. I have to get up and walk away. Just walk
away and not look back. Never look back on what was and then was not. Yet, I
can't make myself leave. Why not? Because I'm still savouring that short moment
when we were.
A single solemn tear slides down my cheek to honour that moment.
