The Mummy Returns Again (Persistent B*st*rd)
Chapter Two: I See Dead People... (also entitled, "What The $%#* ?!")
"I can't look, I can't look!!" John was screaming as he and his sister plunged down into the blackness, curled up into a little ball and covering his eyes.
"Funny," grumbled Cassie, who had her arms crossed and was displaying a ticked-off look on her face as she too plunged into darkness, "how your mouth continues to work."
"Ooo, Cassandra, there's no bottom to this pit!! We'll fall for eternity!!"
(Ooo, good God, he'll moan for eternity!!) "Listen, John," she stated in the same tone you'd use to tell a three year old there were absolutely NO monsters under the bed,"Maybe if you just LOOKED you could SEE the-"
"NOOOOOOOOO!!" John shrieked. "Must I see my own IMPENDING DOOM!?"
Cassie sighed and murmured to no one in particular, "If we live through this, I am telling every single woman my brother tries to date for the rest of his life about his behavior..." Then, she smiled sweetly at John, not that he could see her anyway. "Ok, I'LL look."
Cassie looked down, gave a yelp, and then was silent. Her brother chanced a peep at her through his fingers. "What?", he whispered as the stale air whooshed upward around his body.
His sister's eyes were wide, and her face was ashen. "John," she said in a hoarse whisper, "we're about to land on a pile of Ancient Egyptian pillows."
John heaved with relief. "Well thank God! Why didn't you say so sooner?!" .
Cassie was fuming. "Idiot, do you know what Kemet pillows are MADE of?!"
"Well, no, I-"
CRUNCH!!!
"Wood and ivory," she said weakly.
"Oh," squeaked her brother.
It was miraculous the twins were still alive. Then again, it was also pretty dang spiffy that they'd fallen thousands of feet into an ancient booby trap for accusing some dead guy for two-timing. John had landed on his side, a "pillow", though it was really more of a headrest, prodding him in several places, and Cassie had landed smartly on her back.
"Where...are we?" Cassie murmured as she adjusted her unharmed glasses resting on the top of her head.
There was fire everywhere, and yet it wasn't that hot. Scary, animal-headed people, mostly jackal-heads, drove countless humans everywhere. They were submitted to horrible torture: Whipping, walking on hot coals, listening to Barry Maniloe, etc.
"Holy shit," gasped John.
"LOOK OUT!!", someone roared. Cassie whirled around to see a berserk man charging toward her.
With a revolver.
BANG!!
Cassie was unable to move as the bullet seemed to come shooting toward her in slow motion, right between her eyes. Her glasses shattered as the bullet connected. Then there came a scream, and the sound of a lifeless body hitting the floor with a sickening thud.
Shaken, Cassie slowly turned to the direction she had been facing before the man had shouted. On the stone floor behind her lay a jackal-headed beast with a bullet hole in its chest. Cassie rubbed her forehead. No wound.
"Holy shit," her brother repeated.
The man walked toward her. She was far-sighted (she read so many books she always wore her glasses anyway), so she had no trouble making him out. He was in his thirties or forties, well-built and handsome. His short, brown hair shone in the the light of the flames, and his blue eyes sparkled kindly. He was dressed in Indiana Jones attire, gun still smoking. He seemed so familiar...
"Riiiiiiiiiiick!!"
John and Cassie turned to see a woman rushing toward them. She had wavy black hair, a trim figure, and a no-nonsense look about her that would made her the scourge of the world had she been a nun teaching in a Catholic school.
"Oh, uh, hi Evy," the man said while chuckling nervously, hiding the gun behind his back. "What are you doing in this neck of the woods?"
"I was about to ask you the same thing," she retorted hotly. Then she softened. "I was worried about you. You know this part of the Underworld isn't safe..."
The man laughed warmly. "Evelyn, sheesh, you sound like me! We're already dead, baby, we're fine. I was just going to pay my good ol' pal Beni a quick visit, OK?" He put his arms around her.
"Well...all right..." she said slowly, hypnotized by his loving eyes. She brought her face up to his. "Just...as long...as....you....be care....ful-"
"Ahem!"
The man jumped so suddenly that "Evelyn" went thudding to the floor. John smirked.
"I hate to interrupt this touching moment, but would you mind telling me WHERE THE BLOODY HELL WE ARE?!!!"
Cassie nonchalantly cuffed her brother none-too-gently in the jaw as she approached the couple, sending him flying to the ground.
"Uh, sorry about John," she said to the pair as her brother continued to mutter obscenities, "Could you, uhm, please tell us where we are?"
The man smiled. He opened his mouth, but didn't answer her question. Instead, he said: "That was a mean right-hook you gave that kid just now."
Cassie cocked her head, confused. "Eh?"
"I said, 'That was a mean right-hook you gave that kid'. You looked more the librarian type to me." Evy cuffed him in the shoulder playfully. "Ugh, not that they can't be dangerous either," he said, wincing in mock pain. "What's your name, kid?"
"Cassie," she said. "Cassandra. Cassandra Kensington."
The man held out his hand. "Rick O'Connell. This is my wife, Evy." He grinned, then added, "Deceased."
Cassie's face lit up with what seemed like instant recognition. "That's why you seemed so familiar!!" she said, bouncing around the room.
"Rarr," growled a jackal as he smacked a man with an inflatable clown, "grr snort grag rawrg!"
{Translation: "Freaks, I don't get paid enough for this job!"}
"I know who you aree! Are!! Are!" Cassie sang. Evy raised an eyebrow. "Did we...miss something?" John sat up and dusted himself off.
"I wonder that myself, ma'am," he said, gazing at his sister. "I've known her from the first seconds of my life, and I still don't know what the hell's wrong with her." Cassie skidded to a halt in front of Rick and pointed at him.
"You're Grandpa Alex's dad!"
Rick froze. "He's a grandfather?! Good grief, he's only thirty-nine!!" Evelyn tapped him gently on the back of his head. "Oh, right," he said.
"He's not exactly the sharpest tool in the shed anymore," Evy said in a loud stage whisper.
"Riiiiight," said John. "Uh, do you know where we are?"
"The Underworld," Evy stated.
Cassie and John froze. "The... Underworld?!"
John swallowed. "We're... dead?" Evy shook her head.
"No, you're just in the Underworld. You're alive; That's why my husband's pistols didn't harm you: The can't even touch living matter."
"But they CAN make glasses explode," John said slowly, taking it all in.
"Have you ever seen a pair of talking glasses?"
"..."
"I rest my case," she said, smiling triumphantly.
Cassie had been quiet, gazing at the scenes of horrific torture, when she suddenly spun around.
"Correct me if I'm wrong," she said, "but this Underworld place seems a bit like HELL to me! Why are YOU down here?!"
O'Connell grinned. "Well, the Underworld is like summer camp..." Evy groaned, preparing herself for another one of her husband's pathetic and embarrassing attempts at philosophy. "When you come, they let you go to diferent areas. The better behaved you are, the more places you can go..."
"Uh-HUH..."
"We're, uh we WERE good people, so we can go anywhere in the Underworld," Rick continued thoughtfully,. "We just stopped down in this area to visi-"
"Mi phut ahs! Mi phut ahs! Mi phut ahs pharoos Thoth!!"
"Duck!" Rick growled as he put his right arm around his wife, his left arm around his two great-grandchildren, and shoved them all to the ground with him.
"'Duck'?" John whispered harshly. "Looks more like a stork to me..."
"It's an ibis, idiot!" Evy and Cassie shot back at the same instant as the animal-headed peoples of the Underworld continued shouting.
From their midst stepped an incredibly tall entity, seven feet high. His human body was slender, and he wore only a red necktie and a navy loincloth. He carried a briefcase in one hand, and he had the head of an ibis, or a stork, or a whatever. Malevolent intellect shone from his beady eyes.
"Oh no," breathed Rick. "It's Thoth: Ancient Egyptian God Of Overpriced Lawyers."
Chapter Two: I See Dead People... (also entitled, "What The $%#* ?!")
"I can't look, I can't look!!" John was screaming as he and his sister plunged down into the blackness, curled up into a little ball and covering his eyes.
"Funny," grumbled Cassie, who had her arms crossed and was displaying a ticked-off look on her face as she too plunged into darkness, "how your mouth continues to work."
"Ooo, Cassandra, there's no bottom to this pit!! We'll fall for eternity!!"
(Ooo, good God, he'll moan for eternity!!) "Listen, John," she stated in the same tone you'd use to tell a three year old there were absolutely NO monsters under the bed,"Maybe if you just LOOKED you could SEE the-"
"NOOOOOOOOO!!" John shrieked. "Must I see my own IMPENDING DOOM!?"
Cassie sighed and murmured to no one in particular, "If we live through this, I am telling every single woman my brother tries to date for the rest of his life about his behavior..." Then, she smiled sweetly at John, not that he could see her anyway. "Ok, I'LL look."
Cassie looked down, gave a yelp, and then was silent. Her brother chanced a peep at her through his fingers. "What?", he whispered as the stale air whooshed upward around his body.
His sister's eyes were wide, and her face was ashen. "John," she said in a hoarse whisper, "we're about to land on a pile of Ancient Egyptian pillows."
John heaved with relief. "Well thank God! Why didn't you say so sooner?!" .
Cassie was fuming. "Idiot, do you know what Kemet pillows are MADE of?!"
"Well, no, I-"
CRUNCH!!!
"Wood and ivory," she said weakly.
"Oh," squeaked her brother.
It was miraculous the twins were still alive. Then again, it was also pretty dang spiffy that they'd fallen thousands of feet into an ancient booby trap for accusing some dead guy for two-timing. John had landed on his side, a "pillow", though it was really more of a headrest, prodding him in several places, and Cassie had landed smartly on her back.
"Where...are we?" Cassie murmured as she adjusted her unharmed glasses resting on the top of her head.
There was fire everywhere, and yet it wasn't that hot. Scary, animal-headed people, mostly jackal-heads, drove countless humans everywhere. They were submitted to horrible torture: Whipping, walking on hot coals, listening to Barry Maniloe, etc.
"Holy shit," gasped John.
"LOOK OUT!!", someone roared. Cassie whirled around to see a berserk man charging toward her.
With a revolver.
BANG!!
Cassie was unable to move as the bullet seemed to come shooting toward her in slow motion, right between her eyes. Her glasses shattered as the bullet connected. Then there came a scream, and the sound of a lifeless body hitting the floor with a sickening thud.
Shaken, Cassie slowly turned to the direction she had been facing before the man had shouted. On the stone floor behind her lay a jackal-headed beast with a bullet hole in its chest. Cassie rubbed her forehead. No wound.
"Holy shit," her brother repeated.
The man walked toward her. She was far-sighted (she read so many books she always wore her glasses anyway), so she had no trouble making him out. He was in his thirties or forties, well-built and handsome. His short, brown hair shone in the the light of the flames, and his blue eyes sparkled kindly. He was dressed in Indiana Jones attire, gun still smoking. He seemed so familiar...
"Riiiiiiiiiiick!!"
John and Cassie turned to see a woman rushing toward them. She had wavy black hair, a trim figure, and a no-nonsense look about her that would made her the scourge of the world had she been a nun teaching in a Catholic school.
"Oh, uh, hi Evy," the man said while chuckling nervously, hiding the gun behind his back. "What are you doing in this neck of the woods?"
"I was about to ask you the same thing," she retorted hotly. Then she softened. "I was worried about you. You know this part of the Underworld isn't safe..."
The man laughed warmly. "Evelyn, sheesh, you sound like me! We're already dead, baby, we're fine. I was just going to pay my good ol' pal Beni a quick visit, OK?" He put his arms around her.
"Well...all right..." she said slowly, hypnotized by his loving eyes. She brought her face up to his. "Just...as long...as....you....be care....ful-"
"Ahem!"
The man jumped so suddenly that "Evelyn" went thudding to the floor. John smirked.
"I hate to interrupt this touching moment, but would you mind telling me WHERE THE BLOODY HELL WE ARE?!!!"
Cassie nonchalantly cuffed her brother none-too-gently in the jaw as she approached the couple, sending him flying to the ground.
"Uh, sorry about John," she said to the pair as her brother continued to mutter obscenities, "Could you, uhm, please tell us where we are?"
The man smiled. He opened his mouth, but didn't answer her question. Instead, he said: "That was a mean right-hook you gave that kid just now."
Cassie cocked her head, confused. "Eh?"
"I said, 'That was a mean right-hook you gave that kid'. You looked more the librarian type to me." Evy cuffed him in the shoulder playfully. "Ugh, not that they can't be dangerous either," he said, wincing in mock pain. "What's your name, kid?"
"Cassie," she said. "Cassandra. Cassandra Kensington."
The man held out his hand. "Rick O'Connell. This is my wife, Evy." He grinned, then added, "Deceased."
Cassie's face lit up with what seemed like instant recognition. "That's why you seemed so familiar!!" she said, bouncing around the room.
"Rarr," growled a jackal as he smacked a man with an inflatable clown, "grr snort grag rawrg!"
{Translation: "Freaks, I don't get paid enough for this job!"}
"I know who you aree! Are!! Are!" Cassie sang. Evy raised an eyebrow. "Did we...miss something?" John sat up and dusted himself off.
"I wonder that myself, ma'am," he said, gazing at his sister. "I've known her from the first seconds of my life, and I still don't know what the hell's wrong with her." Cassie skidded to a halt in front of Rick and pointed at him.
"You're Grandpa Alex's dad!"
Rick froze. "He's a grandfather?! Good grief, he's only thirty-nine!!" Evelyn tapped him gently on the back of his head. "Oh, right," he said.
"He's not exactly the sharpest tool in the shed anymore," Evy said in a loud stage whisper.
"Riiiiight," said John. "Uh, do you know where we are?"
"The Underworld," Evy stated.
Cassie and John froze. "The... Underworld?!"
John swallowed. "We're... dead?" Evy shook her head.
"No, you're just in the Underworld. You're alive; That's why my husband's pistols didn't harm you: The can't even touch living matter."
"But they CAN make glasses explode," John said slowly, taking it all in.
"Have you ever seen a pair of talking glasses?"
"..."
"I rest my case," she said, smiling triumphantly.
Cassie had been quiet, gazing at the scenes of horrific torture, when she suddenly spun around.
"Correct me if I'm wrong," she said, "but this Underworld place seems a bit like HELL to me! Why are YOU down here?!"
O'Connell grinned. "Well, the Underworld is like summer camp..." Evy groaned, preparing herself for another one of her husband's pathetic and embarrassing attempts at philosophy. "When you come, they let you go to diferent areas. The better behaved you are, the more places you can go..."
"Uh-HUH..."
"We're, uh we WERE good people, so we can go anywhere in the Underworld," Rick continued thoughtfully,. "We just stopped down in this area to visi-"
"Mi phut ahs! Mi phut ahs! Mi phut ahs pharoos Thoth!!"
"Duck!" Rick growled as he put his right arm around his wife, his left arm around his two great-grandchildren, and shoved them all to the ground with him.
"'Duck'?" John whispered harshly. "Looks more like a stork to me..."
"It's an ibis, idiot!" Evy and Cassie shot back at the same instant as the animal-headed peoples of the Underworld continued shouting.
From their midst stepped an incredibly tall entity, seven feet high. His human body was slender, and he wore only a red necktie and a navy loincloth. He carried a briefcase in one hand, and he had the head of an ibis, or a stork, or a whatever. Malevolent intellect shone from his beady eyes.
"Oh no," breathed Rick. "It's Thoth: Ancient Egyptian God Of Overpriced Lawyers."
