The Mummy Returns Again (Persistent B*st*rd)
Chapter Three: I Object!!


"Ex-CUSE me," hissed Cassie as the Lawyer Deity approached. "Correct me if I'm wrong, but wasn't Thoth ALLEGEDLY the SCRIBE god?!"

Rick sneered. "History is FULL of cover-ups!" His wife sighed. "Essentially, he's right. Let's hear what he has to say..."

Thoth cleared his throat, then produced a scroll of papyrus from his briefcase. The activities of the Underworld completely ceased as Thoth began to speak in a different language.

"Oh loyal subjects of the Underworld," Evy translated. Cassie rolled her eyes.

"What?" demanded Evelyn.

John sighed heavily. "Ma'am, we can tell what he's saying..."

"Oh really?" The former librarian raised an eyebrow. "Well if that's the case, oh scholarly experts, forget my help." Cassie smacked herself in the head as she listened to Thoth, speaking in a foreign tongue...

"I-ay am-yay erehay otay eakspay otay ouyay boutay ethey asecay fo-yay may-ay ewnay ientclay, Hotepimay."

"Imhotep?!" Evy, John, and Cassie whispered in shock. Rick looked confused.

"Who said anything about that guy...?"

Cassie began messaging her temples as Thoth continued in the "ancient language".

"Ehay aysays ehay ishesway otay oosay ethay O'Onnelcays anday allay oseclay inkay orfay..."

"..." said Cassie.

"..." said Evy.

"???" said Rick.

"Please," moaned John warily, shaking his head as if hoping to rattle some sense out, "tell me the undead aren't going to BLOODY SUE US!!"

"Shush up, idiot!" Cassie hissed, but it was too late. Thoth whirled around, saw the O'Connell Quartet, and squawked angrily.

"EIZESAY EMTHAY!!"

"Hang-" roared Rick as he reached for one of his revolvers. But he was jumped by five scimitar-wielding jackal-headed soldiers, his wife two, and his great-grandchildren forced to handle three between them.

"On?" John supplied unhelpfully as the four were dragged off toward Thoth.

"Ahhay," sighed Thoth happily as he stared as his captives.

"'Ahhay'?" John raised an eyebrow as he turned his head as best he could in the soldier's grasp toward Cassie. His sister merely shook her head sadly.

"Sometimes, bro, it's best just not to ask."

"ILENCESAY!!!" Thoth thrust an accusing talon at them as he roared. He then regained his composure. "Elcomeway," he said softly, between raspy breaths.

Evelyn launched another futile kick at the eternal warrior who was holding her captive.

"EVELYN!!" Rick yelled, his face 100% void of any emotional changes, his body still pretty much limp in the arms of his captor. John turned to him and shot him one of his trademark, 'What In God's Name Are You Doing And Why The Bloody Hell Are You Doing It' looks (TM).

"Please allow me to ask, good sir, what the actual POINT in doing that was...!"

Rick shrugged. "Reflex."

"Hema-ay... Alshay eway ontinuecay?" Thoth coughed nervously between words.

"Uh, yeah," grumbled Cassie as she rolled her eyes for what felt like the fifteen-septillionth time that day.

"I don't see what's so bloody 'well' about it," Evy muttered under her breath. The face Cassie had on at that moment is pretty hard to describe, but suffice it to say that Cassie knew that if she was in one of those Japanese comic books her friends often toted around, she would be displaying a VERY large sweatdrop.

"More importantly, why does an immortal deity have to BREATHE at all?!"

"Ha-aym uchsay eektchay uestgays," Thoth's beak curved in a grin. "Come now, I know you can understand what I say..." The Great God Thoth, Ancient Kemet God Of Overpriced Lawyers, was now speaking modernized English!

"Ooo. English. Yay."

"You're right, John," said Rick levelly, though he still clapped a hand on John's back with such force that it caused the wind to be knocked out of him. "We'll know what he's saying now..."

Cassie sighed heavily. "Was he always this...?" She indicated her forehead by tapping her right forefinger against it a couple of times. Evy sighed herself.

"Shockingly, no. He did, at one point, have 9/10 of a brain... "

"Ahh, it is good that you're here. My client has a number of charges against all of you O'Connells..."

John immediately began to babble incoherently.

"O'Connell?! Who's a bloody O'Connell?! I'm a Kensington, born'n true, wot! As my dad always..."

Cassie began humming "Stand By Me" rather loudly. John shot her a deathglare. Thoth grinned slyly.

"Oh, come now. I am an immortal deity, I can trace your heritage quite easily..." He began to fish through his briefcase, then pulled out and unfurled an exceedingly long papyrus scroll.

The color drained from John's face so quickly he probably had just sent a new world record. "Holy shit," he said for the third time that day. "It's the Mother Of All Family Trees."

Cassie groaned and turned to the guard holding her. "May I look at that, sir?" The guard bristled and growled.

"It's a female," whispered Evy.

"Eeeeep..." Thoth spoke: "Let her go; She's not going anywhere... Heh heh heh..."

{Villain cliche' before escape of heroes,} Cassie thought as she unceremoniously thudded to the floor and scrambled over to the family tree on all fours.

"It's OUR family tree.... Whoa...." She began to read aloud.

" 'Howard Carnahan married Aneksi Shabatii and had a son, Jonathan, and a daughter, Evelyn. Richard O'Connell, parents unknown...'. Hm... 'Richard O'Connell married Evelyn Carnahan and had a son, Alexander O'Connell.' I think that's Grandpa... 'Miranda VanAcker and Walter Consfortingham married and had a daughter, Emille.' THAT is Grandma... 'Alexander O'Connell married Emille Consfortingham and they had two daughters and a son, from eldest to youngest, Kristine, Michelle, and James. Michelle O'Connell married Joseph Kensington and they had a set of twins, John and Cassandra.'" Cassie put the paper down. "There it is, guys, in simple wri- HEY!!"

Rick blinked. "Huh? Did you say something? I was just having a funny dream..."

Thoth cackled mirthlessly. "Now... For the charges..."

The O'Connells groaned and covered their ears.

"First degree murder, second degree murder, third and square route of pi degree murder, grand theft, not-so-grand theft, kinda- minute-but-what-the-hell-we're-suing-you-anyway theft, destruction of puplic property..."

Cassie's eyebrow shot up. "'Destruction of public property'?"

"Must mean Hamunaptra," Rick grumbled.

"Child abuse," Thoth continued. "Disturbing the peace, disturbing those resting in peace, extreme acts of racist violence toward undead community, extermination of rare and unique animal species, mass extermination of rare and unique animal species..."

"Zzz," said John. Evy slapped him upside of the head to wake him.

"Reckless driving," Thoth droned on. "Being the O'Connell that broke the camel's back, public violence, public usage of foul language, public drunkeness..."

"Public drunkeness?!" yelled Rick.

"Ninety-nine bottles of beer on the wall..." A thick English voice wafted through the halls of the Underworld. Husband and wife exchanged a nervous glance.

"Oh."