THE COW CONSPIRACY
Part 2: Revenge
Link was lying in his bed, thinking.
"I haven't been doing anything since I defeated Ganondorf", Link thought to himself. "I wish there would be a little more excitement around here…"
Link heard a tiny knock on the door and a little voice shouted:
"HEY!"
"What? Who is it", Link responded.
"It's Navi! We gotta talk!"
"Alright, come in. What is it?"
"Listen! Something weird is going on at Hyrule Castle. We better move. Come!"
"Slow down, slow down. Exactly what has happened?"
"It's, uh… It's… A bunch of cows has knocked down the princess and taken over the castle! COME!"
"Navi, have you been doing drugs again?"
"What? No! That's ridiculous! You've got to trust me!"
"Alright… we'll take a look at those 'cows'. Now, where exactly are these cows?"
"Uh, they're in Hyrule Castle. I just said that."
"Uh-huh. And what are they doing there?"
"They're, uh, they're taking it over."
"Haven't they already done that?"
"Yes, but… now they're in control of it."
"Wait a minute. Slow down a second. Who are in control of it?"
"The cows."
"Uh-huh. Okay, let's go to Goron City!"
"Hyrule Castle."
"I said that."
There was chaos at the Hyrule Castle Market. People were running around, screaming.
"Can you see all the suffering", Navi asked. "All this because some lousy cows wanted to
be famous. It sickens me."
"I agree", Link responded.
A woman came up to them.
"I'm so upset", she said.
"Oh, because the Castle has been taken over by some cows?"
"No, because my puppy ran away."
"Okay. There's nothing I can do about that, I'm sorry."
"Sorry to bother you", the woman said and went away. But she came back after just a couple
of seconds.
"What now", Link asked.
"I just wanted to tell you I found my puppy."
"How nice for you."
"Yeah, I just realized the puppy is me."
"What?!"
"I am the puppy. I am just a happy puppy. Aren't we all happy puppys?"
"Uh... please go away."
"I will", the woman said and ran away.
"Uh, excuse me", Link started. No one cared. He then started yelling: "Listen! I have an
announcement!" All noise ended and people turned their eyes to Link. "Is there anyone here
who's upset because the Castle is invaded by cows?"
No reply.
"Anyone? Just anyone?"
"I am", said a voice.
"Good!"
Link saw that it was an old man who said that. He went over to him.
"Would you like to join us in our quest to kick those cows out of here?"
"To my house you will come and discuss. Pour you some wine I will", the old man said.
"Uh... alright."
"Follow me."
The old man took them to his house which was located in an alley.
"Alright, pour you some wine I will. And then get started we will. Okay", the old man asked.
"Sure", Link responded.
The old man filled Link's glass with wine and then he looked Link into his eyes.
"Defeat Rosie the Cow you want?"
"Yes, that's correct."
"Well defeat Rosie the Cow you cannot before strong you get."
"How do I get strong--I mean, STRONGER than I already am?"
"Strong you are, kid. But train you must. And teach you I will."
"When do we begin?"
"Patience you must learn. Patience, kid."
"Patience? I don't have any patience!"
"Patience you will need, kid. If patience you have not, then a chance you have not either."
"That's ridiculous. I'm leaving. I have better things to do, like saving the world and
stuff. Bye."
Link left the house for the castle, where he got in the usual way. When he got to Zelda's place, he knocked a cow on her back.
The cow turned around.
"Hey! Who are you, kid? And what are you doing here?"
"My name is Link. And I am here to... to, uh..."
"What? What are you going to do?"
"Well, I'm, uh... I'm searching for Rosie! Where is she?"
"Rosie, you say... Rosie, that's me. What do you want?"
"I'm wondering what I can do to prevent you from destroying our world."
"So, you're the Big Mr. Hero, right?"
"I hear that more often than you think."
"Uh-huh. Tell me, how are you going to save Hyrule?"
"I don't know. What do you suggest?"
"What do I suggest? I suggest you run home, boy, to mommy and daddy and tell them that they are nice."
"My dad is missing and my mom is dead."
"Go plant some flowers on her grave, then."
"She has no grave."
"Oh. Just run away, then, kid. Can't you see I'm busy?"
"No, seriously. What can I do?"
"'What Can I Do'... Wasn't that a song by The Corrs?"
"Will you get to the point?"
"Sorry. As of now, there's nothing you can do. I must get revenge at the cows who tormented me at the Lon Lon Ranch before I
can do anything to stop this."
"Oh. I see."
"Please leave now. We want privacy from now on."
And Link left.
LON LON RANCH - IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT
Cara the Cow and Wendy the Cow were discussing Rosie's escape. They had no idea that Rosie had taken over the
castle as Talon was too lazy to collect the newspaper and they didn't have a TV on the ranch.
"I wonder what Rosie is doing now", Cara said.
"I'm sure she's dead by now. She could never handle the real world."
"I don't know about that. We treated her so bad that she must be used to any kind of torture."
"Shut up! We didn't treat her bad! All we did was... you know... played around."
"Oh quit it! We both know very well what we were doing. And there is no point to claim the opposite. We were
picking on her."
"No way! We were not! And, besides, she deserved it."
"Did she? Why?"
"You know, because... She was different and all that... And she ate the cuccoos."
"Well, you've got a point. Now, if you excuse me, I've got to take a leak."
"You go on ahead. I'll be waiting here."
Cara left the building and went to 'do her duties'. But before she had time to begin, she felt like she was being
watched. It was pitch black outside, so she didn't see anyone, but she felt the presence of someone. It might have
been the sudden stench, or just a hunch in the back of her head. Before she had any time to think, she felt something
on her back. She turned around and looked into the eyes of a cow. Rosie.
Back at the barn, Wendy was getting worried. What could possibly take her friend so long? She decided to investigate.
She left the barn and went towards the 'toilet'. By the time she got there, she felt something was wrong. Suddenly
she heard a tiny voice.
"Wendy... get out of here... it's a trap!"
Wendy turned around to see Cara, lying on the ground and bleeding from her throat.
"Cara! What happened to you? Who did this?"
"R-r..."
Before Cara was able to finish the sentence, she was pulled away into the darkness. Wendy heard someone
choke and she knew that her friend was dead. She understood that her life was in danger too and she ran towards
the barn where all the other cows were resting. But she never made it there, instead she felt something heavy
hitting her in her head. She fell down. On the ground, in front of her, laid the object that hit her. Cara's head, torn
off her body.
Someone appeared out of the darkness. It was Rosie. Wendy tried to get on her feet, but she couldn't manage.
From the darkness in front of her, to the left of her and to the right of her appeared three other cows.
"Please... please don't kill me. I promise I will never treat you bad again. Never!"
"You were right about the last part. But I'm afraid I can't let you live. You mess with me and you're dead. Understood?"
"Understood..."
"Good. You messed with me, so you will now have to be punished. Goodbye, Wendy. By the way, your friend tasted
really good... I wonder if you do, too?"
"No, please don't eat me. I'm no good. I'm... I'm from Germany and if you eat me, you'll turn mad!"
"I'm as mad as can be. So I am immune to that disease, if you'd have it."
"Please... don't... I'm begging you, I'll do anything you want, I'll..."
That was all she managed to say before everything turned black.
Part 2: Revenge
Link was lying in his bed, thinking.
"I haven't been doing anything since I defeated Ganondorf", Link thought to himself. "I wish there would be a little more excitement around here…"
Link heard a tiny knock on the door and a little voice shouted:
"HEY!"
"What? Who is it", Link responded.
"It's Navi! We gotta talk!"
"Alright, come in. What is it?"
"Listen! Something weird is going on at Hyrule Castle. We better move. Come!"
"Slow down, slow down. Exactly what has happened?"
"It's, uh… It's… A bunch of cows has knocked down the princess and taken over the castle! COME!"
"Navi, have you been doing drugs again?"
"What? No! That's ridiculous! You've got to trust me!"
"Alright… we'll take a look at those 'cows'. Now, where exactly are these cows?"
"Uh, they're in Hyrule Castle. I just said that."
"Uh-huh. And what are they doing there?"
"They're, uh, they're taking it over."
"Haven't they already done that?"
"Yes, but… now they're in control of it."
"Wait a minute. Slow down a second. Who are in control of it?"
"The cows."
"Uh-huh. Okay, let's go to Goron City!"
"Hyrule Castle."
"I said that."
There was chaos at the Hyrule Castle Market. People were running around, screaming.
"Can you see all the suffering", Navi asked. "All this because some lousy cows wanted to
be famous. It sickens me."
"I agree", Link responded.
A woman came up to them.
"I'm so upset", she said.
"Oh, because the Castle has been taken over by some cows?"
"No, because my puppy ran away."
"Okay. There's nothing I can do about that, I'm sorry."
"Sorry to bother you", the woman said and went away. But she came back after just a couple
of seconds.
"What now", Link asked.
"I just wanted to tell you I found my puppy."
"How nice for you."
"Yeah, I just realized the puppy is me."
"What?!"
"I am the puppy. I am just a happy puppy. Aren't we all happy puppys?"
"Uh... please go away."
"I will", the woman said and ran away.
"Uh, excuse me", Link started. No one cared. He then started yelling: "Listen! I have an
announcement!" All noise ended and people turned their eyes to Link. "Is there anyone here
who's upset because the Castle is invaded by cows?"
No reply.
"Anyone? Just anyone?"
"I am", said a voice.
"Good!"
Link saw that it was an old man who said that. He went over to him.
"Would you like to join us in our quest to kick those cows out of here?"
"To my house you will come and discuss. Pour you some wine I will", the old man said.
"Uh... alright."
"Follow me."
The old man took them to his house which was located in an alley.
"Alright, pour you some wine I will. And then get started we will. Okay", the old man asked.
"Sure", Link responded.
The old man filled Link's glass with wine and then he looked Link into his eyes.
"Defeat Rosie the Cow you want?"
"Yes, that's correct."
"Well defeat Rosie the Cow you cannot before strong you get."
"How do I get strong--I mean, STRONGER than I already am?"
"Strong you are, kid. But train you must. And teach you I will."
"When do we begin?"
"Patience you must learn. Patience, kid."
"Patience? I don't have any patience!"
"Patience you will need, kid. If patience you have not, then a chance you have not either."
"That's ridiculous. I'm leaving. I have better things to do, like saving the world and
stuff. Bye."
Link left the house for the castle, where he got in the usual way. When he got to Zelda's place, he knocked a cow on her back.
The cow turned around.
"Hey! Who are you, kid? And what are you doing here?"
"My name is Link. And I am here to... to, uh..."
"What? What are you going to do?"
"Well, I'm, uh... I'm searching for Rosie! Where is she?"
"Rosie, you say... Rosie, that's me. What do you want?"
"I'm wondering what I can do to prevent you from destroying our world."
"So, you're the Big Mr. Hero, right?"
"I hear that more often than you think."
"Uh-huh. Tell me, how are you going to save Hyrule?"
"I don't know. What do you suggest?"
"What do I suggest? I suggest you run home, boy, to mommy and daddy and tell them that they are nice."
"My dad is missing and my mom is dead."
"Go plant some flowers on her grave, then."
"She has no grave."
"Oh. Just run away, then, kid. Can't you see I'm busy?"
"No, seriously. What can I do?"
"'What Can I Do'... Wasn't that a song by The Corrs?"
"Will you get to the point?"
"Sorry. As of now, there's nothing you can do. I must get revenge at the cows who tormented me at the Lon Lon Ranch before I
can do anything to stop this."
"Oh. I see."
"Please leave now. We want privacy from now on."
And Link left.
LON LON RANCH - IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT
Cara the Cow and Wendy the Cow were discussing Rosie's escape. They had no idea that Rosie had taken over the
castle as Talon was too lazy to collect the newspaper and they didn't have a TV on the ranch.
"I wonder what Rosie is doing now", Cara said.
"I'm sure she's dead by now. She could never handle the real world."
"I don't know about that. We treated her so bad that she must be used to any kind of torture."
"Shut up! We didn't treat her bad! All we did was... you know... played around."
"Oh quit it! We both know very well what we were doing. And there is no point to claim the opposite. We were
picking on her."
"No way! We were not! And, besides, she deserved it."
"Did she? Why?"
"You know, because... She was different and all that... And she ate the cuccoos."
"Well, you've got a point. Now, if you excuse me, I've got to take a leak."
"You go on ahead. I'll be waiting here."
Cara left the building and went to 'do her duties'. But before she had time to begin, she felt like she was being
watched. It was pitch black outside, so she didn't see anyone, but she felt the presence of someone. It might have
been the sudden stench, or just a hunch in the back of her head. Before she had any time to think, she felt something
on her back. She turned around and looked into the eyes of a cow. Rosie.
Back at the barn, Wendy was getting worried. What could possibly take her friend so long? She decided to investigate.
She left the barn and went towards the 'toilet'. By the time she got there, she felt something was wrong. Suddenly
she heard a tiny voice.
"Wendy... get out of here... it's a trap!"
Wendy turned around to see Cara, lying on the ground and bleeding from her throat.
"Cara! What happened to you? Who did this?"
"R-r..."
Before Cara was able to finish the sentence, she was pulled away into the darkness. Wendy heard someone
choke and she knew that her friend was dead. She understood that her life was in danger too and she ran towards
the barn where all the other cows were resting. But she never made it there, instead she felt something heavy
hitting her in her head. She fell down. On the ground, in front of her, laid the object that hit her. Cara's head, torn
off her body.
Someone appeared out of the darkness. It was Rosie. Wendy tried to get on her feet, but she couldn't manage.
From the darkness in front of her, to the left of her and to the right of her appeared three other cows.
"Please... please don't kill me. I promise I will never treat you bad again. Never!"
"You were right about the last part. But I'm afraid I can't let you live. You mess with me and you're dead. Understood?"
"Understood..."
"Good. You messed with me, so you will now have to be punished. Goodbye, Wendy. By the way, your friend tasted
really good... I wonder if you do, too?"
"No, please don't eat me. I'm no good. I'm... I'm from Germany and if you eat me, you'll turn mad!"
"I'm as mad as can be. So I am immune to that disease, if you'd have it."
"Please... don't... I'm begging you, I'll do anything you want, I'll..."
That was all she managed to say before everything turned black.
