THE COW CONSPIRACY

Part IV: The Glitch

"Is it really you? The King of Thieves?"
"None other. I escaped from my imprisonment in The Sacred Realm and here I am, ready for revenge."
"Wait a minute. You escaped?"
"Hard to believe I actually had to escape, isn't it?"
"Yes, but... then we have something in common."
"Oh really? What could a stupid cow like you have in common with me?"
"I also escaped... from imprisonment. At the Lon Lon Ranch. And I took over this castle all by myself."
"Really?"
"Yes."
"Then what are those dead cows doing there?"
"They tried to, uh... they tried to take the castle back... so I killed them."
"What did you do to bring Zelda down?"
"I knocked her unconscious."
"You fool! You--"
"Eat this, you big Gerudo jerk!!" Zelda yelled and knocked Ganondorf in the back of his head with a carrot. Ganondorf
turned around and cast a spell on Zelda that imprisoned her within a magic forcefield.
"Idiot", Ganondorf yelled at Rosie. "I tried to imprison her with a forcefield like this in the last game, but she escaped!
Do you really think that just a regular knock in the back of her head would be enough for her to remain silent for more
than just one day? Amateur!"
"I'm--I'm so sorry... I was stupid, I know..."
"Maybe I ought to kill you right now..."
"No, wait! I can do whatever you want! I can... I can bring Link here, if you want..."

Ganondorf's eyes turned red and Rosie saw that maybe she shouldn't have said that.

"No! Link will not destroy this for me. You keep him out of this, understand?"
"Okay, okay, as long as you don't kill me."
"Hmmm... I don't think I'll kill you. At least not now. I don't know why, but I have a feeling that you might become
useful some time."
"Thank you, sir. I know you won't regret it."
"We'll see."
Ganondorf went into the kitchen to cook beans and then he said no more.

LINK'S TREEHOUSE

"Link! LINK! LIIIIIIINK! WakeupIneedyounowIcan'twaitImustinformyou..." Navi yelled.
"What? What? What is it? Where's the fire?"
"No fire! But I've got a bad feeling."
"A bad feeling? Well, why?"
"I feel a disturbance in the Force. Something tells me we need to hurry to the Castle. C'mon!"
"But I don't want to. I want to stay in bed."
"You can't! It's a matter of life and death! Hurry up!"
"I want to sleep..."
"But Liiiink! This is important! Don't you want to be the Hero of Time once again?"
"Well, alright. I'll come if it's such a big deal."

And off they went to the castle.

IN THE ROYAL CHAMBER:

A man was sitting in a chair with the back towards Link, so he couldn't see who was sitting in it. Rosie was on a table
in front of the chair.

"Link... I have been waiting for you", the voice said.
"But you said before that you didn't want him to..."
"Shut up, Number 1 or I'll downgrade you to Number 2. Anyway... Came here to save the world, eh?"
"You got that straight."
"Well, I'm afraid you can't. See, I'm in control of it now. I killed three cows by myself and I could easily have killed this
one too if I wanted to..."
"Excuse me, but you only killed one of them. I killed the other two", Rosie said. Then the man turned the chair around
so that Link and Navi could see his face.
"I said shut up", he yelled at Rosie.
"Ganondorf! It's you", Link shouted.
"I know it's me, you didn't have to tell me that."
"Well, anyway, I'm saving Hyrule now, so if you have any... problems with that, just... just call me, okay?"
"Think I'd let you have Hyrule that easily? Ha ha ha, you're pathetic! Everybody knows that I, Ganondorf, is the king
of Hyrule now! You can't stop me! I'm the King of the World!"

That was about enough for Rosie. Not only did that jerk Ganondorf ruin everything for her by turning all attention to
himself, but now he also thought *HE* was the one who ruled the world and not Rosie. She decided to do something.

"Shut up, you annoying redheaded good-for-nothing greenface! Coming into this castle, acting all big and tough."
"W... What?"
"You heard me! I am sick of your shit! You think *YOU* did all this, but let me tell you something: *I* am the star
of this show. Who came up with the idea? Me. Who made the idea become real? Me. And you did nothing. So I have
nothing to thank you for. Get out of my castle now, you big piece of junk."
"Why you stubborn little cow..."

Ganondorf prepared himself to shoot an energy bomb at Rosie, which would kill her immediately, but just one
second before he was able to shoot it at Rosie, a man came in.

"Hello, Ganondorf", he said. "Remember me?"
"No. Who are you?"
"You'd like to know that, wouldn't you?"

The man stepped out of the darkness to reveal his true self. It was Robin Hood.

"Robin Hood? But... what are you doing here? And why should I remember you?"
"It's quite obvious if you think about it."

Ganondorf thought for two hours but still didn't figure it out.

"Still don't know? Well, I'll explain why I'm here then. Now, this is going to be shocking news for you, but..."
"I'm ready."
"...you have a son."
"What? I have a son? Who could it possibly be?"
"I am your son."
"What?! How could that be possible?"
"Think! Use your mind!"

Ganondorf thought for another two hours but still didn't figure it out.

"Alright, I'll tell you why. Because if I'm the Prince of Thieves and you're the King of Thieves..."
"Yes?"
"Oh, I give up. You're too stupid. If a king has a son, that son is a prince. You're the King of Thieves and I'm the
Prince of Thieves. That means I am your son. Got it?"
"Uh... yes."
"Good, so you finally understand. Now that we got that out of the way, I'll take your money and give it to the poor
people."
"What?! You can't do that!"
"Don't you know I steal from the rich and give to the poor?"
"You... you're nothing but a retarded communist! My own son is a commy, I can't believe it..."
"So what if I am?"

Robin took the money and ran away. Ganondorf didn't want him to run off with his money, so he ran after and they
never came back.

"Piece of cake", Rosie said. "I took them all out by myself, didn't I? Who's the cow? Who's the cow?"
"You're the cow", Link said.
"You're daaamn right. Now leave my castle please, before I kick your Kokiri butts."
"No way! This is my... errrr, Zelda's castle and I intend to bring it back to her. So step aside, please."
"Why would I? Now that we got that geek Ganondorf out of the way, nothing can stop me."
"You're all alone. You're not going to make it all by yourself."
"I escaped from the ranch by myself and those lazy bums who dared to call themselves cows just watched me while
I infiltrated this castle all by myself. They were good for nothing, I am better off without them."
"Well, I got here all by myself too."
"That's not entirely true. Who's that flying above your neck?"
"It's, uh... It's a firefly."
"Nice try. I think it's a fairy."
"No, it's really a--"
"How dare you call me a firefly", Navi protested. "Don't you know the difference between a fairy and a firefly?"
"No."
"Me neither, but it's still very rude of you!"
"I'm so sorry. Anyway, if you think that fairy will be of much help, I'm sorry to disappoint you. Those fairys leave you
alone when you need them the most."
"I don't believe you."
"Oh really? Well, don't you remember what happened in 'Ocarina of Time'? When you were going to fight Ganondorf,
where was Navi then?"
"Hey! Listen! I couldn't use my fairy magic because Ganondorf cast a spell on me... or something. So there!"
"Couldn't use your magic powers then, eh? How convenient!"
"Knock it off, liar. You're just trying to turn Link against me. Right, Link?"
"Grrr... You've been trying to get rid of me all this time?"
"No, no... Don't listen to what Rosie says! She's lying!"
"Oh, I don't th--"
"CHAAARGE!"

It was Rosie who yelled that, and now she tried to jump on Link, but Link managed to dodge her attack.
"Okay, that's it, you big piece of ham! I will kick your... whatever you got there."
"Just try it, you Scandinavian freak!"
"Where did that come from? Trent Easton? YOU'RE here too? But weren't you killed in Perfect Dark?"
"Yeah, but they cloned me or something. Anyway, uh, I've come to kick your butts and I brought my Skedar army to
do so. Skedar - I choose you!"

SKEDAR used CLAW.

LINK is hurt.

LINK used SLASH.

SKEDAR dodged!

SKEDAR used BITE.

LINK is hurt.

LINK used DROP 16-TON WEIGHT ON ENEMY.

SKEDAR fainted.

SKEDAR #2 is in the battle!

SKEDAR #2 used GROAR.

LINK didn't listen.

LINK used A-BOMB.

SKEDAR #2 fainted.

SKEDAR #3 is in the battle!

SKEDAR #3 used his brain.

LINK didn't.

LINK used to play a lot when he was a child.

SKEDAR started crying because of the sad memories of his childhood at the planet Screwdriver 437 Beta.

LINK used GIANT SKEDAR-EATING MONSTER.

ALL SKEDARS fainted.

"Ha! I defeated you, Trent! Now leave, you're just a stupid cameo who's just here to catch people's attention."
"That hurt."
"Well, so does this Megaton Hammer", Link said and smashed him with his big tool he found in the Fire Cavern.

TRENT EASTON fainted.

"What do you mean he fainted? He DIED, stupid storyteller!"

Alright, alright. TRENT EASTON died. Happy?

Whatever.

"Are you done yet", Rosie asked. "This is starting to be a little bit boring. Or maybe I'll just kill you..."

No, alright. Let's keep going. Link, wake up! The story must go on...

"So, anyway, where were we", Link said to himself. "Oh yeah, I was about to... Or you were about to... Now I
remember! I was about to kill you and once more become the Hero of Time."
"In your dreams, motherbuzzer. I will defeat you and be the Villain of Time!"
"What? You can't be the Villain of Time. There is no pride in being evil."
"Uh... yes, there is. For me."
"No one gives a shit about you!"
"I do."
"I don't care."
"You do too."
"Do not!"
"Do too!"
"Act your age", Navi interrupted. "You can't seriously be acting like kids, you know. Link, you should act more like
Adult Link, not Young Link and Rosie, well, to be the so called 'Villain of Time', you're not that scary. In fact, all
that's scary with you is your stench."
"Shut up! I don't smell bad. My mom didn't think so."
"Oh yeah? Well, my mom told me I didn't have big ears!"
"My mom said I wasn't fat."
"My mom didn't accuse me of wearing girly clothes."
"Shut up, elephant!"
"Shut up, stupid cow!"
"HEY! LISTEN!" Navi yelled. "I've had enough of both of you! Link, I want a divorce!"
"Navi, you were not supposed to tell the people that you are my wife!"
"Oh... my... God", Rosie said. "You two? As a married couple? I always thought it would be Malon, or maybe
Zelda. Or Nabooru, or Ruto, or Saria, or Impa, or Koume, or Kotake, or..."
"Wasn't it obvious all the time?" Link asked. "Couldn't you tell from the way Navi always shouted at me? 'Hey!'
'Listen!' Argh, that shit is starting to get on my nerves. That's why I'M divorcing YOU."
"Who'll get the babies?"
"THE BABIES??" Rosie's eyes turned wide open.
"Yeah. We keep them in two of my bottles", Link said and took two bottles out of his backpack. "Hello there, Tatl and
Tael."
"Tatl and Tael?"
"Yeah, you know, Tattletale", Navi said. "I should get the babies, because I'm a fairy and you're not."
"Oh... so that's your problem. That I'm human. When we got married, you told me that didn't matter."
"Well, guess what? It matters now!"
"I'm starting to cry here..."
"No, don't do that."
"Navi, I need you..."
"Please, don't."
"I can't live without you..."
"Sure you can."
"No, I mean it! If you're not there to heal me while fighting Rosief, how will I survive?"
"Ha! Ha!" Rosie enjoyed this a lot. "Look who hides behind his wife!"
"Shut up!"
"Wuss!"
"I said sh..."
"Wimp!"
"BOOO-AAAAAAH!!!"

Link started to cry. Then it finally happened. The fact that Link was crying for the first time, caused what I would
like to call a 'glitch'. The impossible had become possible and some weird stuff started to happen. It turned to night
and the castle walls turned red. Suddenly the door busted open and a monkey ran up to Rosie and said:

Nothing, because monkeys don't talk.

But he did bring a paper, which read:

"Dear Rosie,

The car you requested is now blue.
Please eat lollipops at the right side
of the road. There are lions in the
middle of the road and they might
kick your crackers up to the moon.
My father killed me but then I killed
him back. My brother didn't kill me,
so I didn't kill him back. He was very
mad because of that. So he
committed suicide, using my cat as
protection from angry peanuts. This
made my cat a dog, and the dog
hunted itself because it was a cat.
Then it stopped and realized that
it was a Russian insurance salesman
instead.

By the way: I am the puppy! I have
now found the puppy! I am the
puppy! There is no puppy! I found
the puppy and it's me! I'm so happy
because I found the puppy! The
puppy is a dog! I am a dog! Hot dog!

Sincerely MINE (not yours),

The Puppy"


"Well, how are you then", Rosie asked.
"I'm fine, thank you very much", the monkey answered though he couldn't talk. "Nice weather we have tonight."
"You're damn right."
"So, when's the sequel coming?"
"What do you mean?"
"'The Cow Conspiracy, Part II: Rosie Strikes Back'."
"I don't know. I hope it never comes."
"Me neither."
"Hey! This part isn't over yet! Not as long as Link is still alive!"
"Well, we're in the Glitch now. ANYTHING can happen."
"You're right."
"Well, not really..."
"What do you mean?"
"SCREW YOU, MOTHERMILKER!!" the monkey yelled and threw Bill Gates at Rosie. This killed both Bill and Rosie.
"Yay! I defeated the Queen of Evil and rescued Hyrule! Hoo-raaay!" Link yelled.
"Don't be so sure", the monkey said. "This is really the Monkey Conspiracy. We controlled this whole thing. We let you
do the hard work and when you were finished, it was time for the Day of the Monkey."
"What? No!"
"You don't believe me? Well, I've got a huge laser cannon here and it tells you that I'm motherbuzzing right!"

Suddenly someone knocked on the door.

"Carrot juice! I'm delivering some carrot juice for the castle!"
"Oh, so NOW it arrived. The carrot juice. Finally", Link said, grabbed a bottle and started to drink. Then he started to
think: "Hey! What if I threw the carrot juice at the monkey?"
"I hope you're not planning to do anything stupid with that bottle..." the monkey said.
"I am saving Hyrule now and forever!" Link yelled and threw the carrot juice at the monkey. He died.

"Hey, this is a little too similar to 'Monkey Island', you know, when you throw root beer at the ghosts and they die",
Link complained.

BLADE: Shut up, I am the author of this fanfic. I can do whatever I want. This is really the Blade Conspiracy! Ha! Ha!
There is nothing you can do to stop me! Nananananana! I am the king! Say it! I am the king!

"You're the king."

BLADE: See? I can make you say anything you want! So, this is the ending: I rule Hyrule because I want to. I am
the king of the universe and all its inhabitants. Why? Because I say so! And now, ladies and gentlemen...

That's all folks!

THE END