The Photograph
Peeta explains his story. Will it be enough for Katniss?
P.S. Suzanne Collins owns The Hunger Games Trilogy.
9 December
Dear Katniss,
Just hear me out, okay? I've already asked Finnick to transfer me to another hospital in another state, so I will be out of your life as you wish. But please, let me explain. I want you to know the whole story. If you don't wish to, you can stop reading here. I would fully understand. You have every right to do so.
I'm so sorry, Katniss. I wish things were not like this. I messed up, and I hurt you. My past haunts me to this very day, and my biggest regret is that you got hurt by my stupidity and weakness. I'm deeply sorry, Katniss.
I met your mother when I was an intern at the state hospital in Chicago. I was a fresh graduate from nursing school and was paired up with your mother, who was training to be a doctor. The hospital was understaffed and needed senior nurses to take on younger ones. Those years were the darkest and lowest times of my life. My mother disinherited me and sold the bakery waiting for me after I graduated. She divorced my father and left with his money, leaving me to care for my elderly father and sustain us financially. Following my parent's divorce, my childhood insecurities from years of physical and emotional abuse came back with a vengeance, and I thought my life was worthless. That I was worthless. I was gravely wounded, angry, depressed, and lonely. Nothing seemed right in my life at that time.
Your mother was one of the few people who was kind and patient with me. I was an arrogant asshole then, not taking anything seriously because I didn't see the point in working hard anymore. But your mother saw through my mask and set me right. She corrected me when I made careless mistakes at the hospital, was patient in teaching me the things I didn't know, and above all, believed in me. She treated me as an adult with much potential. And so I craved her attention - for her time and affirming words. Being needy and selfish, I took every affection I could from her even though I knew I was threading a dangerous line. I knew she was married, but she never spoke about her family with anyone, choosing to keep her privacy instead, so her family seemed so distant to me. There were no immediate consequences, as far as I could see. I was shortsighted and very selfish then.
We had a six-year-old patient with cancer under our care that year. Her name was Madeline, and she was the sweetest and most spirited child I'd ever met. Together, we helped Maddie go through her last few treatments, and were elated when she finished her eighth chemotherapy session. We planned a day on the beach so she could feel the sand under her feet; she loved the ocean and longed to visit for months on end. The night before we were to take her, she got a complication and abruptly passed away. Needless to say, we were devastated. Maddie didn't deserve to die. That night was when things started with your mother and me. We were two lonely and very angry people who found solace in each other.
It lasted two months. We were grieving, so we ignored the repercussions of our actions to soothe our pain and have someone to emotionally anchor to. Many nights were spent in conversation or being hurt and sad together. That's one thing your mother and I had in common, we didn't handle emotional pain very well. We shut down and found an escape instead of facing reality.
We were selfish and craved much emotional support from each other until reason finally got to us. Your mother abruptly left the hospital and went home, leaving me with a note to say goodbye and telling me that what we did was a mistake. I agreed with her, but still, I didn't want to sever the connection. She was the only good thing going on in my life then. Everything else was in disarray. I tried to get her contact information to make amends, but she was gone. Her maiden name was the only thing I remembered. Like a ghost, I never heard from your mother again. No one else who knew her from the hospital could reach her.
When I finished my training, I moved from one state to another, jumping from hospital to hospital because I wasn't satisfied with anything. For years, I wasted away my life not committing to anyone anywhere except for the hope that maybe if I kept moving, things would fall into place in my life. On the surface, I looked fine, but inside, I was in turmoil. Nobody noticed that I was hurting myself or taking medications for depression. It was only Finnick who knew better and didn't buy my facade. He and Annie were the ones who turned things around for me and put me on the right path again. I owe them a lot for saving me. I had so much anger in my life, guilt and shame from the affair, and sadness and despair for every single thing my future had become. It took me years of therapy, medication, and the unyielding support from Finnick and Annie to begin to heal and finally get to where I am today.
When I met you at the hospital, I didn't know that you were the daughter of Lavender Scott, who now I know is Lavender Scott-Everdeen. This is the truth, Katniss. I never played you. I was surprised to find out about your connection with her after all this time. You both look so different, and I would never have guessed your connection based on your physical appearance alone. I would not have asked for a date or pursued a relationship with you if I knew you were family. One mistake was enough, and I didn't want to hurt anyone anymore from that part of my past.
Katniss, my heart dropped to my gut when you sent me the message and picture that you found in your mother's house in Chicago. I wasn't out to hurt you or your family. But that's not an excuse. There is no excuse for what I did twelve years ago. It was wrong then and is still wrong now. The ripples of my wrongdoing follow me until today. There is no justifying being in an affair.
I'm so sorry, Katniss. I was wrong, and I am deeply, deeply sorry. I don't know what will be enough to find your forgiveness. Please don't shut me out, I beg you. I will do whatever it takes to gain your forgiveness because I am utterly in love with you. I don't want to lose you in my life. You've been my constant light, support, and joy in my days. Everything makes sense with you in it. It's like things have finally fallen into place, and I could genuinely believe things can be good again. Without your love or forgiveness, there's no fathoming how my life will be. I hope you can forgive me, Katniss. I want to do right by you and your family.
I love you, Katniss.
Sincerely,
Peeta
Let me know what you think. Thank you so much for reading.
