AUTHOR: Goddess Isa
EMAIL: goddessisa@aol.com
SUMMARY: Angel does something he'd only thought of doing after reading Buffy's - he starts a journal
SPOILER: Enemies
DISTRIBUTION: Sure, just email me & lmk where it's going - I like seeing my name in print =) http://planetslaythis.homestead.com
FEEDBACK: Please, I'd hate to have to Slay for it. =P
RATING: TV-14
DISCLAIMER: I don't own these characters, Joss Whedon does. If he ever decides to give them to me, that would be nice. =)
I hate putting feelings onto paper. It's not a sissy thing, that's not my problem with it. It's the fact that when people do these things, write down how they feel, they always risk someone else getting a hold of the way that they feel and that is never a good thing. To me, feelings are only meant to be shared with the person standing right in front of you. Of course, I shared all my feelings with Buffy and look where it got us. I nearly killed her and all of her friends. And to think I would've been happy that way. Well, I wouldn't have, he would've. Scary, isn't it? That there are two people living inside of me, in a sense. Buffy was right on Christmas but I think it's really taken me until now to admit it. Regardless of what brought me here, I'm not going to be its slave. I wanna stay here and help Buffy. I wasn't born to kill her, I was born to be her greatest ally. I truly believe that, because, I think if I don't believe in that, I have nothing.
It wasn't exactly fun to help her out with all of this Faith stuff, either. My boundaries as far as how close I wanted to be to Faith were pushed a few weeks ago when she killed that deputy person. Boy, he was a dirty one. I know that's not the point, but the world suffered no real loss with him. Back to Faith. She was so....remorseless. She didn't care. Buffy was right when she came to me, discussed Faith. She does embrace the kill. She feels it running through her veins and it's all she can think about. You know, I've often worried about her and Buffy being out on patrol on their own. I know Buffy can handle herself, but I don't trust Faith, and Buffy, even when she doubts someone, wants to think good of them. Look at me. She's forgiven me, she doesn't hold a single grudge. She has no idea how I value that and will for the rest of my life, regardless of how long or short it is or whose hand I die at.
Sometimes I think about that. Dying. Not that I would ever die from any natural force, because God knows that I wouldn't, but still. Someone could stake me. Toss me into Holy Water. Shove me outside in daylight. I almost feel like I can sense it sometimes. It's so strange.
I dreamt that I died in Buffy's arms once. It was Giles that had done it. I don't know why, and I didn't care, nor would I if it actually happened. Now that I think about it, Buffy's life would probably be alot better if I never walked into it.
No, I take that back. Buffy said that she loves me, but she doesn't have to say it, I can feel it in her gaze. When she told me she would always be my girl tonight....it was just so amazing. That one second of my life was one of the most important experiences I'll ever have. All the others were with Buffy too. The first time I saw her, when we first met, our first kiss, the first time we exchanged I-love-yous, the night we made love. It seems crazed, but that night was amazing until the end. And that's something I'll insist until the day I die.
In fact, I think maybe that should've been the day I died. All the strength and love in the world can't change what Buffy and I can't have, and I'll be strong as long as I have to, forever even, and I know I can do it, but I'm not totally sure she can.
