The Hogwarts Times--Hermione Granger, Editor
A/N: Hi, all! This little ficcie (is that a word? Is it even legal?) is for all of you faithful reviewers out there! We love you all! Really we do! And the rest of you, too. Don't want you to feel left out, we love you too. But only if you review (JUST KIDDING! Sheesh). Oh, and just a warning, this is just a tad (well, more than a tad) strange...We wrote it under the influence of N'Sync...and Oreos...Beware. CONSTANT VIGILANCE!!!!!!
Disclaimer:Yes, J.K., it's all yours. We know that, you know that, we all know that. Okay? Okay.
Hermione couldn't sleep. You see, she had had a tad too much butterbeer at the Three Broomsticks that afternoon, and had since been consumed by a sinister, sneaking desire to do service. For Hogwarts. But the thing is, she couldn't put her finger on WHAT.
She had been thinking about just this since 9:38 PM, when she had hit the sack. It was now 3:01 AM, with no service project in sight...Cleaning the halls after classes? No, knowing Hogwarts students, it would just get messed up again. Teacher's aide? No, she wouldn't be able to be in class, and besides, teachers like McGonagall were way too advanced for her. Helping the house-elves in the kitchens, perhaps? Hermione gave a shudder at the very thought, not only because she hated to see all those poor brainwashed delusional slaves, but because she was one of those people who couldn't cook anything unless of course it had the words "Hamburger Helper" on it. She let her mind wander...which no right-thinking Hogwarts student under the influence of butterbeer should do, of course...oh, dear. Hermione has had an idea.
She sat bolt upright, eyes glowing. A school newspaper! Of course! It had always worked in her old Muggle schools. Harry and Ron could write a column, as could Lee and Fred and George. Maybe one of the professors, too. Even, she thought, peeking through the curtains of her four-poster, Lavender and Parvati could do something...
Hermione literally slept on the idea. The next day, during Transfiguration, she asked McGonagall.
"Perfect! This is exactly the idea I've been looking for, Miss Granger."
"Oh, have you been drinking butterbeer, too, Professor?" asked Hermione innocently.
"No, no," said McGonagall distractedly. "Just eating Oreos...and listening to N'Sync..."
Hermione wrinkled her brow. "If you'll pardon me for saying this, Professor, but bad things can come of that."
"Yes, yes, I know. But it's a hard habit to break, if you know what I mean."
"Ummmmmmm... right. I've got to be going now...Excuse me..."
The next tough task was to get people to write the column. But Hermione, true to her nature, would not ASK. She would ASSIGN.
"Harry and Ron, you can do the 'What's new at Hogwarts' column. Lee, you can do Quidditch. Yes, yes, George and Fred can help. Parvati and Lavender, you can do a social commentary. Ginny will interview the teachers."
"And what about you?" asked Ron, none too happy with this arrangement.
"Me? I'm editor. Read the title, O thou with the dunce cap so high."
"Great. Juuuuuuuust great."
"So. You can all get to work. Oh, and Lavender, next Divination lesson, would you mind asking Trelawney to do something...?"
They didn't need any more encouragement than the freaky glint in Hermione's eyes.
So here is the first edition of The Hogwarts Times...enjoy...and watch the butterbeer, so you don't unleash another...something...upon the world...enjoy...
THE HOGWARTS TIMES
Hermione Granger, Editor
What's New At Hogwarts...........................................................................Page One
Quidditch Today.......................................................................................Page One
Laveder and Parvati's Social Commentary....................................................Page One
Teacher of the Week.................................................................................Page You-Guessed-It
Horoscopes..............................................................................................Page One
WHAT'S NEW AT HOGWARTS
BY RON WEASLEY AND HARRY POTTER
We're sure that all of you who live under a rock or in a clamshell or other such woebegone place are wondering just what is happening at Hogwarts.Well, we're here to answer just that question.
Professor Snape's new favorite student is Draco Malfoy.
The house-elves are tremendously good cooks.
No matter what goes wrong, just blame it on the Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher.
AAAAAAAAAAA! Lord Voldemort is coming to get me! To get us all! AAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
Ginny Weasley giggles way too much
So do Lavender Brown and Parvati Patil
(from Harry) Ouchie! My scar hurts!
(According to the fics) Half of Hogwarts' population is American exchange students. Really!
Hagrid's got another dangerous creature just SALIVATING to bite all our heads off...not that we don't get enough head-biting from Snape anyway...
Just two words to end our happy little list: Suprise, suprise!
QUIDDITCH TODAY
BY LEE JORDAN, GEORGE WEASLEY, AND FRED WEASLEY
Hello all! Today we are going to tell you about the world's gretest sport: Quidditch. Why is Quidditch the world's greatest sport? Because........because.......well, it just IS, that's all. I mean, look other sports, like Quodpot, you know, that American game. You throw an exploding ball at each other. Big shmeal. And shuntbumps. You sit on your broom BACKWARDS. BACKWARDS!!! I mean, not only is it uncomfortable, it could make a guy so he is unable to have kids! Then there's Creothceann. Who the *bleep-bleepity* thinks up a name like Creothceann?!?!?!? A blithering idiot, that's who. That word must be the hardest to spell in the entire English language, and other languages, too! Plus, you can kill yourself. You can't kill yourself playing Quidditch. I mean, you CAN and all, but since this is a pro-Quidditch column, we won't say that. We'll just say that you can only break your jaw or fall 500 feet from a speeding broomstick...Wait a sec, that's anti-Quidditch too. We're now officially confused. So this is the end. Of the column. Get it? Got it? Good.
LAVENDER AND PARVATI'S SOCIAL COMMENTARY
BY LAVENDER BROWN AND PARVATI PATIL
----Like, hi, Lav!
----Like, hi, Parv!
----So, like, totally, what's up?
----Like, guess what?
----What?
----I got the CUTEST nail polish in Hogsmeade yesterday!
----Like, awesome! *Lavender shows polish to Parvati* Eeeeeeeeeeeeee! That is like so totally CUTE!!!! Like, where did you get it?
----Like, you know, that one shop in Hogsmeade. I totally just forgot the name.
----Oh, like, well. That is SOO totally okay.
----Yeah. Did you hear?
----No. Like, what?
----Lisa Turpin is going out with Dean Thomas!!!!
----Eeeeeeeeee! What a tender piece of juicy gossip!
----Well, that's what this column is for, right?
----Totally. So, who do you think is the hottest guy here?
----CEDRIC!!!!!
----He died, Lavender.
----Oh, yeah! *ditziness turns temporarily to fury* THAT STUPID LORD WHATS-HIS-FACE!!!! Why did he have to kill the most adorable guy here?
----It's okay, Lav. He was already going out with someone, remember? That Cho something-or-other.
----Right. *Sob* Hey! Maybe it was her makeup that attracted her to Ced!
----Wow! Like, let's totally go get some tips from her!
----Like, let's go!
GINNY WEASLEY'S TEACHER OF THE WEEK
BY GINNY WEASLEY
Ginny: Hi! I'm Ginny Weasley for our new Teacher-of-the-week column. Today we are going to learn something new about a teacher that lots of people don't know of. Say hello to our Astronomy teacher, Professor Sinistra!
Sinistra: No, dear.
Ginny:Sorry?
Sinistra:I am not the Astronomy Teacher. I am "of the Astronomy department".
Ginny:Ummmmmm, right. So! Professor,what is your favorite food?
Sinistra:I don't have one.
Ginny: Okay, er,do you listen to music?
Sinistra: No.
Ginny:Ahhh...how about fears?
Sinistra: None.
Ginny: Hobbies? Talents? Pet peeves?
Sinistra: Nope. Nope. Nope.
Ginny: Well, that's all of our questions. No wonder people don't know much about you.
Sinistra: Exactly. I am an Undeveloped Character.
Ginny: An undeveloped character.
Sinistra: No, dear. It must be capitalized. Undeveloped Character.
Ginny: Er, right. This has been Ginny Weasley, reporting on Professor Sinistra. Thanks a lot and see ya next time.
HOROSCOPES
BY PROF. SYBIL TRELAWNEY
Aries--this is a dark week indeed...you will, perhaps, make better friends with Madam Pomfrey...
Taurus-- Study hard. You will indeed fail the class you have been slipping in if not...
Gemini--A very dear friend will betray you. Choose your compadres better next time...
Cancer--You are in grave danger of painful misery if you do not "play hooky" this week...especially Tuesday.
Leo--Be not suprised if you see the Grim this week, Leo...
Virgo--You shall be tempted. Do not give in, Virgo, or you will definitely be subject to a rampaging Hippogriff...
Libra--this is not a week for questions, Libra, for you will not get the answers...
Scorpio--Watch your purse.
Sagittarius--Your 3rd year acne is only in remission and will return the 24th of May.Beware. Wash your face.
Capricorn--a redhead will stalk you and kill you. Stay away...
Aquarius--Do not go near water at any cost, Aquarius. It could save your life.
Pisces--Be ready for plenty of backtabbing, Pisces, and NOT the gossipy kind...
A/N: Well? Did ya like it? We really really hope you did.Be sure to review, too. And we promise--no more of that stupid prologue shtuff. We hate that as much as you do. But, if you like it, there may even be more chapters...Ooo..that's even more ominous than Trelawney's horoscopes....Oooooooo...
A/N: Hi, all! This little ficcie (is that a word? Is it even legal?) is for all of you faithful reviewers out there! We love you all! Really we do! And the rest of you, too. Don't want you to feel left out, we love you too. But only if you review (JUST KIDDING! Sheesh). Oh, and just a warning, this is just a tad (well, more than a tad) strange...We wrote it under the influence of N'Sync...and Oreos...Beware. CONSTANT VIGILANCE!!!!!!
Disclaimer:Yes, J.K., it's all yours. We know that, you know that, we all know that. Okay? Okay.
Hermione couldn't sleep. You see, she had had a tad too much butterbeer at the Three Broomsticks that afternoon, and had since been consumed by a sinister, sneaking desire to do service. For Hogwarts. But the thing is, she couldn't put her finger on WHAT.
She had been thinking about just this since 9:38 PM, when she had hit the sack. It was now 3:01 AM, with no service project in sight...Cleaning the halls after classes? No, knowing Hogwarts students, it would just get messed up again. Teacher's aide? No, she wouldn't be able to be in class, and besides, teachers like McGonagall were way too advanced for her. Helping the house-elves in the kitchens, perhaps? Hermione gave a shudder at the very thought, not only because she hated to see all those poor brainwashed delusional slaves, but because she was one of those people who couldn't cook anything unless of course it had the words "Hamburger Helper" on it. She let her mind wander...which no right-thinking Hogwarts student under the influence of butterbeer should do, of course...oh, dear. Hermione has had an idea.
She sat bolt upright, eyes glowing. A school newspaper! Of course! It had always worked in her old Muggle schools. Harry and Ron could write a column, as could Lee and Fred and George. Maybe one of the professors, too. Even, she thought, peeking through the curtains of her four-poster, Lavender and Parvati could do something...
Hermione literally slept on the idea. The next day, during Transfiguration, she asked McGonagall.
"Perfect! This is exactly the idea I've been looking for, Miss Granger."
"Oh, have you been drinking butterbeer, too, Professor?" asked Hermione innocently.
"No, no," said McGonagall distractedly. "Just eating Oreos...and listening to N'Sync..."
Hermione wrinkled her brow. "If you'll pardon me for saying this, Professor, but bad things can come of that."
"Yes, yes, I know. But it's a hard habit to break, if you know what I mean."
"Ummmmmmm... right. I've got to be going now...Excuse me..."
The next tough task was to get people to write the column. But Hermione, true to her nature, would not ASK. She would ASSIGN.
"Harry and Ron, you can do the 'What's new at Hogwarts' column. Lee, you can do Quidditch. Yes, yes, George and Fred can help. Parvati and Lavender, you can do a social commentary. Ginny will interview the teachers."
"And what about you?" asked Ron, none too happy with this arrangement.
"Me? I'm editor. Read the title, O thou with the dunce cap so high."
"Great. Juuuuuuuust great."
"So. You can all get to work. Oh, and Lavender, next Divination lesson, would you mind asking Trelawney to do something...?"
They didn't need any more encouragement than the freaky glint in Hermione's eyes.
So here is the first edition of The Hogwarts Times...enjoy...and watch the butterbeer, so you don't unleash another...something...upon the world...enjoy...
THE HOGWARTS TIMES
Hermione Granger, Editor
What's New At Hogwarts...........................................................................Page One
Quidditch Today.......................................................................................Page One
Laveder and Parvati's Social Commentary....................................................Page One
Teacher of the Week.................................................................................Page You-Guessed-It
Horoscopes..............................................................................................Page One
WHAT'S NEW AT HOGWARTS
BY RON WEASLEY AND HARRY POTTER
We're sure that all of you who live under a rock or in a clamshell or other such woebegone place are wondering just what is happening at Hogwarts.Well, we're here to answer just that question.
Professor Snape's new favorite student is Draco Malfoy.
The house-elves are tremendously good cooks.
No matter what goes wrong, just blame it on the Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher.
AAAAAAAAAAA! Lord Voldemort is coming to get me! To get us all! AAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
Ginny Weasley giggles way too much
So do Lavender Brown and Parvati Patil
(from Harry) Ouchie! My scar hurts!
(According to the fics) Half of Hogwarts' population is American exchange students. Really!
Hagrid's got another dangerous creature just SALIVATING to bite all our heads off...not that we don't get enough head-biting from Snape anyway...
Just two words to end our happy little list: Suprise, suprise!
QUIDDITCH TODAY
BY LEE JORDAN, GEORGE WEASLEY, AND FRED WEASLEY
Hello all! Today we are going to tell you about the world's gretest sport: Quidditch. Why is Quidditch the world's greatest sport? Because........because.......well, it just IS, that's all. I mean, look other sports, like Quodpot, you know, that American game. You throw an exploding ball at each other. Big shmeal. And shuntbumps. You sit on your broom BACKWARDS. BACKWARDS!!! I mean, not only is it uncomfortable, it could make a guy so he is unable to have kids! Then there's Creothceann. Who the *bleep-bleepity* thinks up a name like Creothceann?!?!?!? A blithering idiot, that's who. That word must be the hardest to spell in the entire English language, and other languages, too! Plus, you can kill yourself. You can't kill yourself playing Quidditch. I mean, you CAN and all, but since this is a pro-Quidditch column, we won't say that. We'll just say that you can only break your jaw or fall 500 feet from a speeding broomstick...Wait a sec, that's anti-Quidditch too. We're now officially confused. So this is the end. Of the column. Get it? Got it? Good.
LAVENDER AND PARVATI'S SOCIAL COMMENTARY
BY LAVENDER BROWN AND PARVATI PATIL
----Like, hi, Lav!
----Like, hi, Parv!
----So, like, totally, what's up?
----Like, guess what?
----What?
----I got the CUTEST nail polish in Hogsmeade yesterday!
----Like, awesome! *Lavender shows polish to Parvati* Eeeeeeeeeeeeee! That is like so totally CUTE!!!! Like, where did you get it?
----Like, you know, that one shop in Hogsmeade. I totally just forgot the name.
----Oh, like, well. That is SOO totally okay.
----Yeah. Did you hear?
----No. Like, what?
----Lisa Turpin is going out with Dean Thomas!!!!
----Eeeeeeeeee! What a tender piece of juicy gossip!
----Well, that's what this column is for, right?
----Totally. So, who do you think is the hottest guy here?
----CEDRIC!!!!!
----He died, Lavender.
----Oh, yeah! *ditziness turns temporarily to fury* THAT STUPID LORD WHATS-HIS-FACE!!!! Why did he have to kill the most adorable guy here?
----It's okay, Lav. He was already going out with someone, remember? That Cho something-or-other.
----Right. *Sob* Hey! Maybe it was her makeup that attracted her to Ced!
----Wow! Like, let's totally go get some tips from her!
----Like, let's go!
GINNY WEASLEY'S TEACHER OF THE WEEK
BY GINNY WEASLEY
Ginny: Hi! I'm Ginny Weasley for our new Teacher-of-the-week column. Today we are going to learn something new about a teacher that lots of people don't know of. Say hello to our Astronomy teacher, Professor Sinistra!
Sinistra: No, dear.
Ginny:Sorry?
Sinistra:I am not the Astronomy Teacher. I am "of the Astronomy department".
Ginny:Ummmmmm, right. So! Professor,what is your favorite food?
Sinistra:I don't have one.
Ginny: Okay, er,do you listen to music?
Sinistra: No.
Ginny:Ahhh...how about fears?
Sinistra: None.
Ginny: Hobbies? Talents? Pet peeves?
Sinistra: Nope. Nope. Nope.
Ginny: Well, that's all of our questions. No wonder people don't know much about you.
Sinistra: Exactly. I am an Undeveloped Character.
Ginny: An undeveloped character.
Sinistra: No, dear. It must be capitalized. Undeveloped Character.
Ginny: Er, right. This has been Ginny Weasley, reporting on Professor Sinistra. Thanks a lot and see ya next time.
HOROSCOPES
BY PROF. SYBIL TRELAWNEY
Aries--this is a dark week indeed...you will, perhaps, make better friends with Madam Pomfrey...
Taurus-- Study hard. You will indeed fail the class you have been slipping in if not...
Gemini--A very dear friend will betray you. Choose your compadres better next time...
Cancer--You are in grave danger of painful misery if you do not "play hooky" this week...especially Tuesday.
Leo--Be not suprised if you see the Grim this week, Leo...
Virgo--You shall be tempted. Do not give in, Virgo, or you will definitely be subject to a rampaging Hippogriff...
Libra--this is not a week for questions, Libra, for you will not get the answers...
Scorpio--Watch your purse.
Sagittarius--Your 3rd year acne is only in remission and will return the 24th of May.Beware. Wash your face.
Capricorn--a redhead will stalk you and kill you. Stay away...
Aquarius--Do not go near water at any cost, Aquarius. It could save your life.
Pisces--Be ready for plenty of backtabbing, Pisces, and NOT the gossipy kind...
A/N: Well? Did ya like it? We really really hope you did.Be sure to review, too. And we promise--no more of that stupid prologue shtuff. We hate that as much as you do. But, if you like it, there may even be more chapters...Ooo..that's even more ominous than Trelawney's horoscopes....Oooooooo...
