The Hogwarts Times--Hermione Granger, Editor
By Fred, George, and Lee
A/N: Ahhh, how good it is to be back in the world of fics! Can't you just smell the songfics, the MWPPs, the burning flames? If you don't get what we're trying to say here, is that we haven't posted anything for a while and we're sorry. Forgive us! Oh, well, it's not like many people missed us. Anyway....
DISCLAIMER: It doesn't belong to us!!! So don't, like, stalk us or anything, lawyers of J.K. Okay?(hey, that rhymes!)
Here we go, folks, put on your seatbelts, it's gonna be a bumpy ride...
THE HOGWARTS TIMES
Hermione Granger, Editor
What's new........................................................................................................................Page One
Quidditch...........................................................................................................................Page One
Social Commentary..............................................................................................................Page One
Teacher of the Week...........................................................................................................Page One
Horoscopes........................................................................................................................Page One
WHAT'S NEW AT HOGWARTS
BY RON WEASLEY AND HARRY POTTER
Hey, we're back with a whole bunch of new news for the Hogwarts Times. Not that anyone cares, but Hermione has offered us a bribe---er, our nice editor has, um, persuaded us to do another column. So we've scanned our eagle eyes---oh, wait, we're Gryffindors, so our lion eyes--all around this stupid school for new stuff. Here goes...
Ron is madly in love. With a veela. Again.
Guess what? We have way too much homework. It's like the teachers want to, like, kill us before we graduate or something. I guess that's a good plan, though, because then they'd all get to retire early. You can't blame them, really...
The gamekeeper, Hagrid, has drunken too much mead and tried to do magic and set fire to his bedspread again. Go figure.
Professor Flitwick got buried under all of his planners and papers and stuff again. It took two hours to find him.
A recent dormitory search was done by Snape earlier this week. He collected 39 bottles of what was, to him, illegal shampoo bottles.
Three more kids were stabbed to death by Professor McGonagall's deadly elbows.
House-elves. 'Nuff said.
DRACO MALFOY IS AN UGLY GIT!!!!!!!
There, Hermione. Is that good enough?!? Okay, good. Now give us our Sugar Qui-- er, we're glad that you think so...
QUIDDITCH TODAY
BY FRED WEASLEY, LEE JORDAN, AND GEORGE WEASLEY
Yo! We are here to write our Quidditch column today...well, duh. What did you think you're reading?!?!? Heh heh heh. You know, we've been musing. What should this second column be on? Oh! I've got it!!! How about fouls? Fouls are really bad--er, important to the great game of Quidditch. There are, like, 700 million ways to commit a foul in Quidditch, some of which probably would never happen but that the authors would really like to do to some of the, er, players at Hogwarts *coughslytherinscough*, for instance going at Draco Malf--er, a fellow player-- with an ax and HACKING THEIR STUPID @#$% BROOMTAILS OFF!!!!! BWAHAHAHAHA!!!! Ooops, I guess that wasn't too terribly G-rated, was it? Sorry, McGonagall. And Hermione...But anyway, There are also more common fouls in Quidditch, such as Cobbling, which is exessive use of elbows (and don't get in Alicia Spinnet's way unless you really want to get maimed, people, BTW. -----George). And then there's Snitchnip, which isn't incredibly special, we just like to say "Snitchnip" over and over again since it is so darn fun to say! Snitchnip! Snitchnip! Wheeeehaha! Phew. Sorry about this, you know, ending the column early, but we've just got to catch our breath...
LAVENDER AND PARVATI'S SOCIAL COMMENTARY
BY LAVENDER BROWN AND PARVATI PATIL
----Like, hey, Lavender!!!!!
----Like, hi, Parvati!!!!
----So, like, totally, what's on the schedule today?
----*Gets the stunned-bunny-stupid-people look so common in ditziness* Schedule?!?!?!?
----Yeah, like, what we have on a list to talk about.
----We don't have a list.
----Um, whatev. So, like, what the heck do you want to talk about?
----Are you trying out for cheerleading?
----Like, so TOTALLY!!!!!
----Like, so am I!!!!
----Let's practice!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
----Got it!
-----Ready? Okay!
----Totally!
-----For sure!
----I even got a manicure!
----The sun! I swear! It's bleaching out my hair!
----26! 44! I don't even know the score!
----Rah rah!
----Fight fight!
----Gee I hope I look all right!
----Gooooooo Team!!!
----Gooooooo Team!!!
*End cheer, thank heaven*
----Wow! We did great!
----We sure did!
----I hope we, like, impressed some hotties doing it!
----Let's go, like, find out!!!
----Totally!
GINNY WEASLEY'S TEACHER OF THE WEEK
BY GINNY WEASLEY (DUH)
Ginny: Hello. Ginny here for our new column, Teacher of the Week. Today we are interviewing Professor Severus Snape because he was the first teacher I ran into yesterday, an hour before deadline. He teaches Potions and--
Snape: Quit dawdling, girl. I want to get this over with.
Ginny: *Not exactly wanting this to drag on, herself* Right. Um, what is your favorite food?
Snape: Well, I have an unfortunate taste for Ex-Lax. I tried it once and I think I'm addicted.
Ginny: *Too shocked to giggle or laugh or whatever* Errr, Okay, Professor...Do you listen to music?
Snape: Yeah! Limp Bizkit ROCKS, dude! Yeah!
Ginny: Limp Bizkit?
Snape: Yeah, man, it's this one Muggle group. Oh! And Korn! Booya!
Ginny:*Totally oblivious, as she's wizard-born...hey, wait, if Snape hates Muggles, then why does he listen to Korn, etc.? weird...anyway...* Okay, Do you have any fears?
Snape: Yes! I fear...*shudder* shampoo...lucky I was able to rid the school of most of it before it....got me...
Ginny: Okay, I am gettin WAY weirded out here, so let's just say I'm out of questions, okay?
Snape: Fine here. I've got to prepare a class, anyway.
Ginny: *as Snape stalks off* What a loser! Anyway, I guess I'll see you next time on this column, so you can learn more about the weirdos-er, fine members of the faculty--that teach at Hogwarts! Bye now!
HOROSCOPES
BY PROF. SYBIL TRELAWNEY
Aries: Your fiery hotheadedness will most likely land you in detention, Aries. Beware.
Taurus:Your seasonal allergies will arrive in full swing on the 13th of June, so visit Madam Pomfrey before then...
Gemini:There is a hole in your pocket, Gemini, and not figuratively. Sew it up before it gets too big...
Cancer: Drop all bets and wagers NOW, for you have just become verrrrry unlucky...
Leo:Your natural sense of humor will not come in handy right now, Leo. Be serious.
Virgo:You'll poke your eye out! You'll poke your eye out!
Libra:You'll need to exercise those natural arguing- er, debate-skills all Libras have in common..
Scorpio:You will be tempted to drink straight out of your cauldron in Potions. Do not...
Sagittarius:Let's just say you are not so favored in the eyes of the stars this week, Sagittarius.
Capricorn:An enemy will become a "friend" this week, but don't trust them.
Aquarius:Sheesh, are you ever unlucky in love this week! Try your hardest not to humiliate yourself. It'll be tough...
Pisces:Bad hair day tomorrow, Pisces. Use gel. Gel is your friend.
A/N: Well, this edition certainly gave us a new view of Snape, didn't it now? Ha ha! And Lavender and Parvati doing the cheerleader thing...hee hee! Well, if you thought it was good, then review it, okay? OKAY?????? Good.
By Fred, George, and Lee
A/N: Ahhh, how good it is to be back in the world of fics! Can't you just smell the songfics, the MWPPs, the burning flames? If you don't get what we're trying to say here, is that we haven't posted anything for a while and we're sorry. Forgive us! Oh, well, it's not like many people missed us. Anyway....
DISCLAIMER: It doesn't belong to us!!! So don't, like, stalk us or anything, lawyers of J.K. Okay?(hey, that rhymes!)
Here we go, folks, put on your seatbelts, it's gonna be a bumpy ride...
THE HOGWARTS TIMES
Hermione Granger, Editor
What's new........................................................................................................................Page One
Quidditch...........................................................................................................................Page One
Social Commentary..............................................................................................................Page One
Teacher of the Week...........................................................................................................Page One
Horoscopes........................................................................................................................Page One
WHAT'S NEW AT HOGWARTS
BY RON WEASLEY AND HARRY POTTER
Hey, we're back with a whole bunch of new news for the Hogwarts Times. Not that anyone cares, but Hermione has offered us a bribe---er, our nice editor has, um, persuaded us to do another column. So we've scanned our eagle eyes---oh, wait, we're Gryffindors, so our lion eyes--all around this stupid school for new stuff. Here goes...
Ron is madly in love. With a veela. Again.
Guess what? We have way too much homework. It's like the teachers want to, like, kill us before we graduate or something. I guess that's a good plan, though, because then they'd all get to retire early. You can't blame them, really...
The gamekeeper, Hagrid, has drunken too much mead and tried to do magic and set fire to his bedspread again. Go figure.
Professor Flitwick got buried under all of his planners and papers and stuff again. It took two hours to find him.
A recent dormitory search was done by Snape earlier this week. He collected 39 bottles of what was, to him, illegal shampoo bottles.
Three more kids were stabbed to death by Professor McGonagall's deadly elbows.
House-elves. 'Nuff said.
DRACO MALFOY IS AN UGLY GIT!!!!!!!
There, Hermione. Is that good enough?!? Okay, good. Now give us our Sugar Qui-- er, we're glad that you think so...
QUIDDITCH TODAY
BY FRED WEASLEY, LEE JORDAN, AND GEORGE WEASLEY
Yo! We are here to write our Quidditch column today...well, duh. What did you think you're reading?!?!? Heh heh heh. You know, we've been musing. What should this second column be on? Oh! I've got it!!! How about fouls? Fouls are really bad--er, important to the great game of Quidditch. There are, like, 700 million ways to commit a foul in Quidditch, some of which probably would never happen but that the authors would really like to do to some of the, er, players at Hogwarts *coughslytherinscough*, for instance going at Draco Malf--er, a fellow player-- with an ax and HACKING THEIR STUPID @#$% BROOMTAILS OFF!!!!! BWAHAHAHAHA!!!! Ooops, I guess that wasn't too terribly G-rated, was it? Sorry, McGonagall. And Hermione...But anyway, There are also more common fouls in Quidditch, such as Cobbling, which is exessive use of elbows (and don't get in Alicia Spinnet's way unless you really want to get maimed, people, BTW. -----George). And then there's Snitchnip, which isn't incredibly special, we just like to say "Snitchnip" over and over again since it is so darn fun to say! Snitchnip! Snitchnip! Wheeeehaha! Phew. Sorry about this, you know, ending the column early, but we've just got to catch our breath...
LAVENDER AND PARVATI'S SOCIAL COMMENTARY
BY LAVENDER BROWN AND PARVATI PATIL
----Like, hey, Lavender!!!!!
----Like, hi, Parvati!!!!
----So, like, totally, what's on the schedule today?
----*Gets the stunned-bunny-stupid-people look so common in ditziness* Schedule?!?!?!?
----Yeah, like, what we have on a list to talk about.
----We don't have a list.
----Um, whatev. So, like, what the heck do you want to talk about?
----Are you trying out for cheerleading?
----Like, so TOTALLY!!!!!
----Like, so am I!!!!
----Let's practice!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
----Got it!
-----Ready? Okay!
----Totally!
-----For sure!
----I even got a manicure!
----The sun! I swear! It's bleaching out my hair!
----26! 44! I don't even know the score!
----Rah rah!
----Fight fight!
----Gee I hope I look all right!
----Gooooooo Team!!!
----Gooooooo Team!!!
*End cheer, thank heaven*
----Wow! We did great!
----We sure did!
----I hope we, like, impressed some hotties doing it!
----Let's go, like, find out!!!
----Totally!
GINNY WEASLEY'S TEACHER OF THE WEEK
BY GINNY WEASLEY (DUH)
Ginny: Hello. Ginny here for our new column, Teacher of the Week. Today we are interviewing Professor Severus Snape because he was the first teacher I ran into yesterday, an hour before deadline. He teaches Potions and--
Snape: Quit dawdling, girl. I want to get this over with.
Ginny: *Not exactly wanting this to drag on, herself* Right. Um, what is your favorite food?
Snape: Well, I have an unfortunate taste for Ex-Lax. I tried it once and I think I'm addicted.
Ginny: *Too shocked to giggle or laugh or whatever* Errr, Okay, Professor...Do you listen to music?
Snape: Yeah! Limp Bizkit ROCKS, dude! Yeah!
Ginny: Limp Bizkit?
Snape: Yeah, man, it's this one Muggle group. Oh! And Korn! Booya!
Ginny:*Totally oblivious, as she's wizard-born...hey, wait, if Snape hates Muggles, then why does he listen to Korn, etc.? weird...anyway...* Okay, Do you have any fears?
Snape: Yes! I fear...*shudder* shampoo...lucky I was able to rid the school of most of it before it....got me...
Ginny: Okay, I am gettin WAY weirded out here, so let's just say I'm out of questions, okay?
Snape: Fine here. I've got to prepare a class, anyway.
Ginny: *as Snape stalks off* What a loser! Anyway, I guess I'll see you next time on this column, so you can learn more about the weirdos-er, fine members of the faculty--that teach at Hogwarts! Bye now!
HOROSCOPES
BY PROF. SYBIL TRELAWNEY
Aries: Your fiery hotheadedness will most likely land you in detention, Aries. Beware.
Taurus:Your seasonal allergies will arrive in full swing on the 13th of June, so visit Madam Pomfrey before then...
Gemini:There is a hole in your pocket, Gemini, and not figuratively. Sew it up before it gets too big...
Cancer: Drop all bets and wagers NOW, for you have just become verrrrry unlucky...
Leo:Your natural sense of humor will not come in handy right now, Leo. Be serious.
Virgo:You'll poke your eye out! You'll poke your eye out!
Libra:You'll need to exercise those natural arguing- er, debate-skills all Libras have in common..
Scorpio:You will be tempted to drink straight out of your cauldron in Potions. Do not...
Sagittarius:Let's just say you are not so favored in the eyes of the stars this week, Sagittarius.
Capricorn:An enemy will become a "friend" this week, but don't trust them.
Aquarius:Sheesh, are you ever unlucky in love this week! Try your hardest not to humiliate yourself. It'll be tough...
Pisces:Bad hair day tomorrow, Pisces. Use gel. Gel is your friend.
A/N: Well, this edition certainly gave us a new view of Snape, didn't it now? Ha ha! And Lavender and Parvati doing the cheerleader thing...hee hee! Well, if you thought it was good, then review it, okay? OKAY?????? Good.
