Dear Uncle Mick,

Dear Uncle Mick,

It has been brought to my attention that you have been insulting various readers of this column, not least my esteemed self. While I do acknowledge that this is a free country and you are entitled to print what you wish, would you please be ever so kind and STOP WRITING THESE BLOODY VULGAR REPLIES!! It's not funny, it's not smart and it's certainly not a good career move.

Now while I am not at liberty to reveal the name of the charming, benevolent man for whom I work for (and indeed am writing this letter for at his express command), I certainly can tell you that he was not best pleased at all by the derogatory comments you expressed in particular towards the woman who called herself 'Daddy's Little Girl' – do you have any idea who she is??? Or more to the point, do you have any idea who my boss is?? Let me inform you, he is not a man to be trifled with. If he wanted to, he could get you fired he's that powerful!

But if that was not bad enough, I open today's paper to find your latest column entry from a Mr 'Simba'. My employer has not yet read this latest insult but when he has I can assure you that there will be a lawsuit flying its way first-class towards you in the post. Kicking someone in the grapefruits?? I never heard such awful and decidedly lower-class advice in my life!! And you have the audacity to call yourself an agony uncle?

I would be extremely obliged if you could print a full retraction in your next publishing as well as an apology to the lovely young lady mentioned above. After all, she is Daddy's Little Girl and believe me, you do not want to upset Daddy.

Yours sincerely,

A Concerned Reader

Dear A Concerned Reader,

You're right, I do owe that young lady an apology. To all of you out there reading this now, I wish to say that I'm deeply sorry about what I said to Daddy's Little Girl. As a reader wrote in and told me, I really did muck up big time. As they said, I should never have alleged that she had no class or style – what I really should have said was that she's a dirty, disgusting, bottom-feeding trash-bag ho!!

As for your boss – do I look like I'm scared? Uh-Uh!! I'm Uncle Mick and there's not a damn thing he can do to stop me writing what the hell I want! He can't fire me cause I don't work for him anymore and besides, I think he's got worse things to worry about, like the state his grapefruits are gonna be in after his wife and Simba are finished with them. Snip, snip Vince; snip, snip!! Hey Vince, can you say 50-50??? And do you know what you're worth divided by two??

Oh, and Concerned Reader, while we're talking about job security, I think you better look into how safe your job is cause there have been a lot of rumours circulating the internet recently about the return of a former inhabitant of your job. That's right, HBK is coming back and I'd watch out if I were you!! Also beware of a man named Foley, cause you never know when he'll be back to cause some more trouble.

Have a Nice Day while you still can!!

Uncle Mick J

Author's Note's: OK, I know Mick's response was a bit crappy, but it was all my uninspired brain could come up with. A big thank you to everyone who has reviewed these stories and I will be writing about some of the Superstars you have suggested so thank you for the inspiration!!!

Also thanks to Sorcha Ravenschild for pointing out to me that it's bottom-feeding ho instead of bottle-feeding ho. Thinking about it now, that makes a lot more sense then what I was coming up with!!!!