Dear Uncle Mick,
It has been brought to my
attention that you have been insulting various readers of this column, not
least my esteemed self. While I do acknowledge that this is a free country and you
are entitled to print what you wish, would you please be ever so kind and STOP
WRITING THESE BLOODY VULGAR REPLIES!! It's not funny, it's not smart and it's
certainly not a good career move.
Now while I am not at liberty to
reveal the name of the charming, benevolent man for whom I work for (and indeed
am writing this letter for at his express command), I certainly can tell you
that he was not best pleased at all by the derogatory comments you expressed in
particular towards the woman who called herself 'Daddy's Little Girl' – do you
have any idea who she is??? Or more to the point, do you have any idea who my
boss is?? Let me inform you, he is not a man to be trifled with. If he wanted
to, he could get you fired he's that powerful!
But if that was not bad enough, I
open today's paper to find your latest column entry from a Mr 'Simba'. My
employer has not yet read this latest insult but when he has I can assure you
that there will be a lawsuit flying its way first-class towards you in the
post. Kicking someone in the grapefruits?? I never heard such awful and
decidedly lower-class advice in my life!! And you have the audacity to call
yourself an agony uncle?
I would be extremely obliged if
you could print a full retraction in your next publishing as well as an apology
to the lovely young lady mentioned above. After all, she is Daddy's Little Girl
and believe me, you do not want to upset Daddy.
Yours sincerely,
A Concerned Reader
Dear A Concerned Reader,
You're right, I do owe that young lady an apology. To all of you out
there reading this now, I wish to say that I'm deeply sorry about what I said
to Daddy's Little Girl. As a reader wrote in and told me, I really did muck up
big time. As they said, I should never have alleged that she had no class or
style – what I really should have said was that she's a dirty, disgusting,
bottom-feeding trash-bag ho!!
As for your boss – do I look like I'm scared? Uh-Uh!! I'm Uncle Mick
and there's not a damn thing he can do to stop me writing what the hell I want!
He can't fire me cause I don't work for him anymore and besides, I think he's
got worse things to worry about, like the state his grapefruits are gonna be in
after his wife and Simba are finished with them. Snip, snip Vince; snip, snip!!
Hey Vince, can you say 50-50??? And do you know what you're worth divided by
two??
Oh, and Concerned Reader, while we're talking about job security, I
think you better look into how safe your job is cause there have
been a lot of rumours circulating the internet recently about the return of a
former inhabitant of your job. That's right, HBK is coming back and I'd watch
out if I were you!! Also beware of a man named Foley, cause you never know when
he'll be back to cause some more trouble.
Have a Nice Day while you still can!!
Uncle Mick J
Author's Note's: OK,
I know Mick's response was a bit crappy, but it was all my uninspired brain
could come up with. A big thank you to everyone who has reviewed these stories and
I will be writing about some of the Superstars you have suggested so thank you
for the inspiration!!!
Also thanks to Sorcha Ravenschild for pointing out to me that it's
bottom-feeding ho instead of bottle-feeding ho. Thinking about it now, that
makes a lot more sense then what I was coming up with!!!!