Dear Uncle Mick
Dear Uncle Mick

Help me. My wife is talking about having kids. This can not happen. Besides the fact there is no way in hell I'm gonna let my child have a McMahon mother (what with their double-crossing and parent-hating genes – in my opinion there is nothing worse in the world then a child fighting with their parent), I'm afraid that…. Well…. You see…. They'll inherit my nose.

Now according to my deceiving, back-stabbing, lying wife, it's actually a very nice nose that has a lot of character. The rest of the world and me just think that it's massive. Huge. A giant honker. How in the world could I live with myself if my child inherited it??? And just think of the amount of money it would cost me if it brought an emotional distress lawsuit against me because of it!!! Uncle Mick, this CAN NOT happen!!

It's a widely known fact that I am that damn good in the sack so it is very likely that I could get my wife pregnant. What can I do to ensure she doesn't conceive a child with my nose, yet continue to 'get some' off of her at the same time?

Large Nose.

Dear Large Nose,

So you are scared your children are gonna inherit your nose. I'm sorry to have to inform you this, but you might have to make sure that your children inherit any of your features at all!! I mean, your wife hasn't got the best reputation around has she now???

Now before that nerve starts throbbing in your jaw, I didn't mean that (well actually I did, but for legal reasons I can't say that). I'm sure your wife is very faithful to you (*cough, cough*). So, all you have to worry about is the whole inheritance thing.

Now there is no sure-fire way that you can guarantee that it will not inherit your nose apart from gene-therapy, which is really expensive and something way too sci-fi for people like you to understand.

So what can you actually do? Well, I really can't see what you can do for the poor kid except arrange and pay for counselling sessions from birth and get it a nose-job as soon as it's old enough for one. Maybe living around you will help it accept its fate as one whose nose will be a source of constant amusement for others, pretty much like you are now.

Have a Nice Day!!

Uncle Mick J