Chapter 2: A crushed tomato

I hid under my cold blanket and holding myself from bursting into tears. His random tease was like fluoroantimonic acid. Naruto was totally clueless. He didn't and would never know I loved him. This unrequited love irritated me to no end. I was both happy and frustrated when he begged me to let him come over. He cared for me, as a friend. I know. He would be the same for all his friends. He was truly kind, without expecting any return.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make fun of you. I wish we could be close like before," his soft words dropped on me like a thousands brick. I didn't know exactly how and when I fell for that idiot. I guessed it was karma. I found love unnecessarily annoying. If it was a bunch of chemical reactions in our brains, would human be able to make some medicines to recreate the feelings of falling in love? Could we ever control that thing? Since high school, I was confessed to several times. I didn't know anything about those people. Neither did they. And I couldn't understand why they liked me. It would be shallow and fake if they only fell for my look or my grades. I told them the truth then some of them cried, some got angry, and most of them call me an insensitive, ignorant, selfish asshole.

In the shock of puberty, one day I was startled awake, heavily sweated. My memories were still too fresh and full of juicy images from a naughty dream. I took a seriously cold shower that morning. But it definitely was not easy to look at your best friend after a wet dream starring him, even after two cold showers. By the end of that cursed spring, I had 45 wet dreams about him, masturbated 21 times thinking about him, of course, my heart rate increased by 67% every time I saw him, and by 85% if he was near. And when he got his first girlfriend, I felt like my whole body failed me miserably. My eyes even produced some clear fluid. I was upset with my brain's performance, dropping dopamine and oxytocin levels way too fast, then replaced with the stress hormone cortisol. That incident cost me my first rank for the first time in my whole life. I focused on explaining what was going on inside my brain scientifically to distract me from the simple, mediocre fact that I was heart broken. All I wanted was to hold him tight, running my fingers through that soft messy hair, drowning myself in those dreamy icy blue eyes; and pushing my dopamine, oxytocin level through the roof.

I wanted to blame him but I couldn't. He did nothing wrong but be kind to me, and looked unexplainably charming with his stupid mismatched socks. I thought this feeling would eventually vanish if I simply paid no attention to it. I hoped it would. So I kept distance with him for a while. But just a random text from him made my heart skip a beat. When he made a joke about me adoring him, it hit me like a bullet train. I did adore him. This nonsense love clearly didn't go away as planned. It made me feel like a crushed tomato after a heavy rain. Out of nowhere, the image of my mother planting tomatoes came to mind. She put so much effort in taking care of her tomatoes. I used to hate it when I was a kid. It was too soft to protect itself, too weak to stand on its own. And it died after making fruits once. The taste was good but so was apple, or persimmon. And they weren't that fragile. She once told me that I failed to see the strength of tomato, how it gave it all to make something nice and delightful despite all disadvantages. Maybe she was right.


The next day when I came back to class, I received a letter. A love letter to be precise. Was a person who write letters even exist nowadays? It was Haruno Sakura. We used to be classmate in high school. But we rarely talked. She was a smart student, got into the same college as me with good score. She was studying biotechnology. I was quite surprised when I read her letter. Her handwriting was clean, slightly leaned to the right about 80 degrees. She used a light blue ink with medium pressure writing. The paper smelled like, well, cherry blossom.

"Dear Sasuke,

It's me, Haruno Sakura. We're classmates since high school. But I'm not sure you remember me. I hope you do. It wasn't easy for me to write this letter. I've been thinking about it for years. I can't possibly find enough words to convey all the emotions I feel for you and things I need to tell you. So, please pardon me for this clumsy attempt.

I have a crush on you since forever. At first, I thought it was just a silly childish crush. You probably know by now how cool you look and how smart you are. I'm sure you've heard that a million times. But I see your gentleness, your determination, your passion for science. As time goes by, I grew up along with my feelings for you. There was one time I told Naruto, in front of you, that it would be an easier life without adults' control. Then you scolded me and called me annoying. I thought you hated me. I was so upset. But it was my fault. I acted like an arsehole. I appreciate your blunt honesty, even if it's harsh sometimes. After that, I've been trying to be a better person. Someone you won't find annoying…"

She wanted to meet and confess to me in person. She sounded sincere and polite. I didn't remember much about her back then but I remembered what she talked about orphans and that she was Naruto's first crush. Both Naruto and I lost our parents early. It was a stupid thing to say. But she acknowledged her mistake and apologized, so I thought she wasn't a terrible person after all.

I came to see her later that day and patiently listened to her hearted confession. She was wearing a cream white shirt, a light blue knit vest, a plaid skirt and a 6 cm high heel shoes. The outfit complemented nicely with her signature pink hair. She was flushed and shaking but she made it through to the end. "Would you please consider going out with me?"

"Thank you, Sakura. I appreciate it. Since you like my blunt honesty, I'll be frank with you, I can't return your feelings. And I never will. I'm sorry." When I finished my rejection, she was crying. She pressed her hands on her watery eyes, trying to stop her flowing tears. At that moment, looking at her, I suddenly imagined if I were in her spot. I was sure that Naruto would put me down so gently. He was just too kind. I wondered why we put ourselves through this heartbreaking experience.

"Do you want some bubble tea?" I asked her.

"Don't be nice to me," she sniffed, "don't make me fall for you harder than I already do."

"I read that when we eat sweet foods, our brain's reward system gets activated. I'll buy you one cup. Or two, or three if you need to release more dopamine." I handed her a tissue.

"I know you aren't as mean as you look," she smiled weakly with puffed eyes, "sure, you can buy me one cup. Just one is enough, I don't want to be heartbroken and fat."


Luckily, the bubble tea shop wasn't crowded today. We found a nice private seat on the balcony, looking out the river. Sakura ordered a strawberry bubble tea and a strawberry short cake. I had plain black tea.

"When you asked me out, did you think there was be any chance that I would agree?" I was straight to the point.

"To be honest, no." She pushed a lock of hair behind her ear, facing away. "You haven't ever shown me any affection. We barely talk. It was a hopeless one side love."

"So why did you decide to confess? What is the point? I don't need to know that."

"I guess I did it for myself, to put an end for this story. And there might be a tiny, tiny, slight chance that you would give us a try, even though you aren't interested in me yet." She smiled weakly, staring at tapioca pearls in her bubble tea. "Unrequited love is like a heavy mountain on my chest. After many years, I think, what's the point of keep loving someone who doesn't love me back? Is there anyone who will love me for me out there? If I stuck in this, I will never find that guy. But I need to get it off my chest."

"Hmmm, it's reasonable," I said, "so confessing is an act of breaking off. But do you worry that people will take advantage of knowing your feelings? Making fun of you or something?"

"You're not that kind of man." She looked back at me in confidence. "I have faith in you."

"You're the first to say that. You're also the first one who likes something other than my look and grades. People often called me an insensitive, ignorant, selfish asshole. I don't really know how to handle confessions," I slightly shook my head.

"Yeah, I agree. You could improve a little bit more. You said some unnecessary things; like you will never return my feelings or you don't need to know about my one-side love. I know you didn't try to be mean but still, your brutal honesty sometimes comes off as inconsiderate."

"I see. You're also bluntly honest. I'm not good at understand others' feelings" I admitted. It was surprisingly easy to talk to Sakura about this thing. She still looked sad but somehow kept it together well. Maybe she was mentally prepared to be rejected. "What did you do when Naruto confessed to you years ago?". I was curious. I wondered if he did something stupidly romantic.

"I bought him the best ramen in town. He was such a cute kid. It was the most romantic thing anyone has ever done for me. Watching cherry blossoms on a river, sailing a boat, putting a sakura candy in my drawer everyday for a year… He still is an adorable person. I love him as a good friend."

"Hm, that was just like him. I don't even know how to confess, let alone coming up with romantic things."

"Ohhhh, there is someone you like, isn't it?" Sakura narrowed her eyes, "Lucky girl! You broke my heart twice today, you know."

"I'm so sorry." I said genuinely. I guessed there was no point in denying. "I hope you will find your love soon, like Naruto and Hinata." Why the hell I'm getting a sharp pain in my chest.

"You didn't know? They broke up months ago."