Title: Falling Apart: Conflicted (1/4)

Author: MacKenzie Rabb

E-mail: mackenzie_rabb@yahoo.com

Rating: PG

Written: May 9-14, 2001

Classification: HMR; Angst

Spoilers: "Lifeline"

Disclaimer: I do not own JAG or any of the characters within. It all belongs to Bellisarius Productions, CBS, and Paramount Pictures.

Summary: Mac contemplates her complicated situation.

Author's Notes: You know how I'm into post-episode stuff! This is basically a series of vignettes, kind of further exploring how all four of the "involved" characters felt after that very interesting engagement party. And no, I never thought I'd cover Bugme and Renée either!

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Mac tossed her purse on the bed, grabbed her robe, and headed for the bathroom. She removed her dress, put on her robe, and washed the makeup from her face.

All the motions were mechanical. Every step, every breath she'd taken since that moment on Admiral Chegwidden's porch had been. So many things were swirling around in her mind, that she thought it no small miracle that she'd gotten through the rest of the party at all.

But Marines were trained to hide their feelings, their emotions, and the Corps had done a wonderful job on her.

From the bathroom, she went to the kitchen to get a glass of water, and then to the couch where she could breathe, *really breathe*, for the first time in hours.

Guilt and shock were the emotions of the night for her. She'd told Mic she wanted to be home alone tonight. She'd claimed a terrible headache, which she knew was the lamest excuse on the books, but he just kissed her, told her goodnight, and let her go. There was none of the persistent questions she usually got, so she knew he had to suspect something. How much was the question.

She held the cool glass against her face and took a deep breath.

Why now? she thought. Why did he choose now to say those things, to. . . to kiss me like that? Well, that started out my fault, but the rest. . .

The rest had been Harm's fault. She'd meant it as only a mere touch of the lips, and when she'd tried to back away he wouldn't let her. He'd leaned in and given her more than she ever bargained for.

She sighed and leaned back into the couch.

Things had been so rocky with them for so long, and tonight had felt so much like old times.

Except that unlike old times she was engaged to another man, and that's why they were at a party in the first place.

Harm had pretty much admitted he loved her, so what did he expect her to do now? He hadn't begged her not to marry Mic or anything melodramatic like that, but how did he think that would make her feel? Now that she knew what she always wanted to know, what was she supposed to do about it?

"Damn you, Harmon Rabb," Mac muttered.

How many times had she said or thought that?

It was too much to think about at such a late hour, but she knew she'd never sleep.

We've been through so much, how did it all come to this? she thought.

They'd recalled just how much they had been through. And with all the memories they shared, one had to wonder how she'd ever wound up with Mic in the first place.

I was hurt, and I knew 'not now' didn't mean never and I gave into him anyway. What is wrong with me?

I know for sure now that I don't love Mic, but I can't do this to him two weeks before the wedding. Way to go, MacKenzie. You really know how to get into some screwed up situations, she thought.

When I said I was giving up men, why didn't I mean it?

She couldn't stop thinking about Harm's kiss. From the moment their lips had touched, her entire body had been on fire. She was almost grateful that they'd been on the Admiral's porch, or she didn't know what might've happened. It was just too much, even if all she'd ever wanted was for Harm to finally take charge.

Why did he have to do it at the last possible moment?

Because he's a man, and that's how they are, Mac thought bitterly. Most of them can't see what they have till it's gone.

What are you going to do? a little voice in her head nagged.

"I don't know," she said out loud. "Great," she murmured, "now I'm talking to myself."

Mac got up with a sigh and headed for the bedroom.

This might be the longest night of my life, she thought.

End 1