Title: Falling Apart: Guilty (2/4)

Author: MacKenzie Rabb

E-mail: mackenzie_rabb@yahoo.com

Rating: PG

Written: May 14-16, 2001

Classification: HMR; Angst

Spoilers: "Lifeline"

Disclaimer: I do not own JAG or any of the characters within. It all belongs to Bellisarius Productions, CBS, and Paramount Pictures.

Summary: Harm tries to deal with losing the woman he loves.

Author's Notes: You know how I'm into post-episode stuff! This is basically a series of vignettes, kind of further exploring how all four of the "involved" characters felt after that very interesting engagement party. And no, I never thought I'd cover Bugme and Renée either!
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Harm was still driving. It had been two hours since he left the party, and he was still driving around the Virginia countryside as if he were lost.

But then again, maybe he was lost.

He'd really done it tonight, and now he was beating himself up for it.

Let her know you love her the night of her engagement party. Way to go, Rabb, he thought.

When he arrived at the Admiral's, he'd had no intention of ever saying any of the things he'd said. If Mac was getting married, he'd had no intention of *ever* saying them.

But she'd pushed, and he'd responded. She had a way of doing that to him. Mac could take his calmness and totally obliterate it, leading him to say things he'd never say if he wasn't staring into the chocolate colored eyes of a gorgeous Marine.

Harm had never expected her to kiss him either, no matter how small or innocent she'd intended it to be. He found himself wanting so much more, practically demanding it from her. And the more he lost himself in that moment, the more he wondered how he could stand by and watch his best friend and the woman he loved marry someone else. Someone he was almost certain she didn't love.

But she had to decide what she wanted, he couldn't do it for her. If she didn't choose him, well then he'd just have to try to get over her and move past it. Getting over her might be easier said than done, considering he'd been trying to for over four years already.

He thanked God that Renée had had to do some post-production work on her commercial, and he could be alone. Seeing her now would be the last thing he'd be able to handle.

He didn't want to hurt her, but he knew he'd never be able to give her all the things she wanted. When he told Mac he wasn't marrying Renée, he hadn't just meant 'not right now', he'd meant never. And she had "hinted" enough in the past that he knew exactly what she was after.

He didn't love her. At least not enough to marry her, and if that meant spending the rest of his life alone, that was something he'd have to live with. It was Mac or nothing now, because he'd just spend the rest of his life comparing every other woman to her.

Maybe he'd done a lot of things wrong in the past, but he still didn't feel that Brumby deserved Mac. As much as he tried to like him, there was just something about the guy that rubbed him the wrong way. Somehow he still couldn't tell her that she was making the biggest mistake of her life.

Harm banged a fist against the steering wheel. He'd gotten out of some fixes in his time, but he couldn't see any way out of this one. It was a little harder when it had little to do with him.

He'd thought more than once about not showing up at the wedding, but if they were going to stay friends at all, they didn't need that rift. Not being there would kill anything they had left once and for all.

Harm finally stopped in the parking lot of a little church, tired of driving.

He really only wanted what was best for her, but tonight on that porch he thought of about a million un-noble things he wanted to do to stop her. That included picking her up and hauling her off to some place where they could really be alone. And he would have, if she hadn't backed away at the very moment she had. She would never know just how close he was to letting go.

Too little, too late, he thought ruefully.

End 2