Title: Falling Apart: Holding On (3/4)

Author: MacKenzie Rabb

E-mail: mackenzie_rabb@yahoo.com

Rating: PG

Written: May 16-21, 2001

Classification: Renée Vignette; Angst

Spoilers: "Lifeline"

Disclaimer: I do not own JAG or any of the characters within. It all belongs to Bellisarius Productions, CBS, and Paramount Pictures.

Summary: Renée's upset by the night's events.

Author's Notes: You know how I'm into post-episode stuff! This is basically a series of vignettes, kind of further exploring how all four of the "involved" characters felt after that very interesting engagement party. And no, I never thought I'd cover Bugme and Renée either!
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I've lost him, it's as simple as that, Renée thought, hardly paying attention to the other people in the editing room.

Her mind hadn't been on her work much since she'd had to come back to the studio after Mac's engagement party. She wondered why she'd even bothered to go, considering she hadn't seen Harm much the entire time she was there.

He spent the whole party out on the porch with *her*. It's always for Mac. 'Mac this' and 'Mac that' is all I ever hear. And he doesn't even realize it, she thought bitterly.

She had been watching them when they came in for cake. They looked guilty about something, and they didn't go back out for the remainder of the evening. Something was up, she could see it all over their faces.

Renée had had plenty of boyfriends stolen from her, but it had never mattered much because she didn't love them.

She loved Harm, and that's why she couldn't make herself really like Mac. She was a threat bigger than the Navy, bigger than Harm's law career. Her biggest fear was that Mac had such a firm hold on his heart that he'd never be able to give any part of it to anyone else.

Mac's getting married and I still don't have him, so what will it take? You can't make somebody love you, so why am I still here?

The questions had been swirling in her mind for months. It had made her compare herself to Mac too many times to count.

Maybe I'm not as smart, or as pretty, or as tough. What difference does that make? Everybody's different, she thought.

The truth was she hadn't felt this insecure since junior high school. Back then she'd had braces, glasses, and a terrible haircut. And even though she'd shed all those things, standing next to Mac when Harm was looking at them, she still felt the same as she did then.

She wasn't the only one with insecurities though. Talking to Mic tonight, she finally realized just how afraid he was of losing his fiancée. The look on his face said that he really didn't believe Mac and Harm were saying goodbye, or getting it out of their systems, or any other delusion he'd tried to convince himself of.

She knew exactly how he felt.

Sure she'd gotten Harm to open up a little bit lately, but that didn't mean anything except that he was trying to appease her constant questions. She was well aware that some people found her obnoxious, so she wondered if he did too. But if he did, why would he be with her?

Too many questions were buzzing around in her head that she couldn't concentrate on anything the tech people were asking her.

Finally she brushed them all off, and went to the small kitchen in the studio for another cup of coffee.

Two more weeks, that's all. Then she's married, out of his life.

But she knew it wasn't true. She'd heard about how long he could hold onto things, and his love for Mac would be no different. Even if she got married, even if she moved all the way to Australia someday, there wouldn't be anyone else for him.

He wouldn't love me, and I couldn't make him love me. I love him too much to make him so unhappy. I'll hold on for a bit longer, but if he's not over her after the wedding, I'm gone. If he can't love me, I'll just have to move on somehow.

Renée went back into the studio and sat back down in front of the monitors, resigned to the decision she might soon have to make.

End 3