Part III

ANYA

Dear Buffy,

When your mom died, Xander and I went to meet Tara and Willow so that we could go over to the hospital to meet you, and everyone was very upset. I was still trying to understand things, and I managed to offend Willow into yelling at me. . .I just didn't get why things had to be that way, that someone who had been alive and vibrant and beautiful at one moment could just be gone at the next. My memories of being human before D'Hoffryn found me are, for all intents and purposes, gone. . .all I know about being a human being is what I have learned since my amulet was destroyed, and it's been a struggle. . .and seeing you die hasn't made it any easier for me. . .it still doesn't make sense.

There was a time that I cursed your name, and those of your friends. . .my entire existence was transformed by my simple act of granting Cordelia a wish and the aftermath of that action. Things changed, of course, and I found that one of you was the person that could give my new existence meaning and hope. . .you do know I mean Xander, right? Silly question. . .anyway, I know how important you have been to Xander. . .I've always been a little scared that you might decide that you had been wrong not to want him all of this time (I mean you should have just kissed him sometime. . .he's got the most fabulous. . .oops, sorry, that's not appropriate, is it?. . .oh, well), and that you'd wiggle your little finger at him and he'd go running to you. . .and I don't know what I would have done.

That never happened, though, and I've come to realize just how important you've been to making Xander the man he is today. . .the kind of guy who would charge in to fight a troll fifty times as strong as him because people he loved needed him, the kind that would propose marriage at a time when the apocalypse was nigh not because he thought the world would end, but because he was sure that it wouldn't. Xander is my life, and I wouldn't have him if it hadn't been for you. . .so I want to say something that I don't say very often: thank you.

I guess I don't have much else to say, except that I'll take care of Xander, and try to help him do whatever he needs to do to honor your memory. . .running away from danger came naturally to me after I became human again, but I'm done running, and I owe that to you as much as I do to Xander.


Anya


. . .to be continued


As always, comments are welcomed and desired