Part VIII
XANDER
Dear Buffy,
Well, here's something where asking myself "What would Buffy do?" isn't going to be any help. . .I've got to figure out what to say to one of my two best friends. . .my hero. . .the person without whom I would be just another footnote in the Sunnydale obituary files. . .the person whom I can't imagine what it would be like to live without. . .but I have to, so here goes.
When I look back at the time I've known you, I can't really get a handle on it all. . .it's just too much. . .I tend to see it in flashes, and I know that in a lot of those flashes I remember being scared. Yes, scared out of my mind and wanting to run away and never stop. . .but I didn't, and I'm pretty sure that it was knowing you were out there that made the difference for me, even in the cases where it was you who needed help. . .I craved your strength. . .I needed it. For a while, I thought that need meant that I was in love with you, and if somehow we had wound up together, I'm sure we would have been happy. . .but that wasn't it at all, Buffy. You had become the standard by which I measured my existence: helping you, protecting you when you needed it, even covering for you when you couldn't be there. . .it was how I gave meaning to my life where there had been no meaning, and for some time that was enough for me.
This year has been different. While I am still proud of the help that I have been able to give to you, Willow, and the others, I've managed to build a life for myself outside of the whole saving the world thing, and I'm proud of it. . .I've found something I'm good at, found a woman that I'm head over heels in love with, and I can actually conceive of a real future for us. Though living that life means, in a way, moving away somewhat from the life that I've lived with you for the past five years, I owe it all to you, first and foremost, and I will never be able to thank you enough for that, not even if this letter went on for a thousand pages.
In trying to deal with what went down with you and Dawn on the tower, I played the "What would Buffy do?" game in my head again, and. . .I understand why you had to be so harsh with us, Buffy. Deep down, you knew that Dawn didn't have to die, and that you would give your life for hers. . .but if any of us had known that too, could we have stood by and watched you die? I don't know. Dawn's like a kid sister to me, origins be damned. . .but I don't know if I could have stood by up there and watched it happen. . .you did the right thing, keeping us out of it. . .when it came down to it, it was meant to stay in the family.
I know you gave Spike the job of keeping an eye on Dawn, and-for what it's worth-I think that he'll do his damnedest to keep her safe. . . but I hope you won't mind if I sign on for that job too. . .when I stopped Angelus from visiting you in the hospital, he mocked me by calling me your White Knight. . .I tried to be that to you, Unfortunately, I guess even White Knights can't always protect their queen. The princess still lives, though, and I promise you that I will be as loyal to her as I have tried to be to you.
Be safe, Buffy. . .and rest easy.
Xander
. . .to be continued
As always, comments are welcomed and desired
XANDER
Dear Buffy,
Well, here's something where asking myself "What would Buffy do?" isn't going to be any help. . .I've got to figure out what to say to one of my two best friends. . .my hero. . .the person without whom I would be just another footnote in the Sunnydale obituary files. . .the person whom I can't imagine what it would be like to live without. . .but I have to, so here goes.
When I look back at the time I've known you, I can't really get a handle on it all. . .it's just too much. . .I tend to see it in flashes, and I know that in a lot of those flashes I remember being scared. Yes, scared out of my mind and wanting to run away and never stop. . .but I didn't, and I'm pretty sure that it was knowing you were out there that made the difference for me, even in the cases where it was you who needed help. . .I craved your strength. . .I needed it. For a while, I thought that need meant that I was in love with you, and if somehow we had wound up together, I'm sure we would have been happy. . .but that wasn't it at all, Buffy. You had become the standard by which I measured my existence: helping you, protecting you when you needed it, even covering for you when you couldn't be there. . .it was how I gave meaning to my life where there had been no meaning, and for some time that was enough for me.
This year has been different. While I am still proud of the help that I have been able to give to you, Willow, and the others, I've managed to build a life for myself outside of the whole saving the world thing, and I'm proud of it. . .I've found something I'm good at, found a woman that I'm head over heels in love with, and I can actually conceive of a real future for us. Though living that life means, in a way, moving away somewhat from the life that I've lived with you for the past five years, I owe it all to you, first and foremost, and I will never be able to thank you enough for that, not even if this letter went on for a thousand pages.
In trying to deal with what went down with you and Dawn on the tower, I played the "What would Buffy do?" game in my head again, and. . .I understand why you had to be so harsh with us, Buffy. Deep down, you knew that Dawn didn't have to die, and that you would give your life for hers. . .but if any of us had known that too, could we have stood by and watched you die? I don't know. Dawn's like a kid sister to me, origins be damned. . .but I don't know if I could have stood by up there and watched it happen. . .you did the right thing, keeping us out of it. . .when it came down to it, it was meant to stay in the family.
I know you gave Spike the job of keeping an eye on Dawn, and-for what it's worth-I think that he'll do his damnedest to keep her safe. . . but I hope you won't mind if I sign on for that job too. . .when I stopped Angelus from visiting you in the hospital, he mocked me by calling me your White Knight. . .I tried to be that to you, Unfortunately, I guess even White Knights can't always protect their queen. The princess still lives, though, and I promise you that I will be as loyal to her as I have tried to be to you.
Be safe, Buffy. . .and rest easy.
Xander
. . .to be continued
As always, comments are welcomed and desired
