Part X

ANGEL

Dear Buffy,


We all have moments that are central to our existence. . .moments that we remember with the clarity of seconds before even with the passage of decades or-in my case-centuries. Seeing Willow sitting there, waiting for us with that terribly sad look on her face, was one of those moments for me. . .I knew what she was going to say, and the only thing left was to find out the details.

You won't be shocked to hear that my first reaction was to blame myself for not being there to help you. . .as determined as we were to stay apart for everyone's good, we both remember that the first time I caught a hint of you being in trouble, I immediately came back to Sunnydale. . .and the impulse to do it again never completely left me. After a fair amount of breast-beating, I processed what Willow told us all and I realized that the extra help that I and the others could have provided wouldn't have made a difference in the end: fate had decreed that you would die saving Dawn, and apparently fate had gotten sick and tired of you sticking your thumb in its eye. . .though you went down fighting, which didn't surprise any of us who have known and loved you.

I know the last year has been crushing for you, with every conceivable force apparently conspiring to make your life hellish. I'm sorry I couldn't have been there to make things easier for you in some way; sadly, my state of mind during much of that time made certain that I was a burden, not an asset, to those around me. . .I'm just grateful that I recovered my balance quickly enough to at least be there for a brief time after Joyce's funeral. . .I hope that small gesture from me made some kind of difference in the end.

The news about the changes to Spike hit me completely out of nowhere. . .I always knew that Spike, for all of his cruelties over the years, had a strong romantic streak that caused him to act in unexpected ways. . .but I never would have expected him to fall in love with you, though perhaps I should have in retrospect. Young William was lured by Drusilla with promises of grand adventure and great things, and the vampire he became kept some of that idealistic streak on some level. . .which explains how a soulless vampire could want to stop the apocalypse. . .and how he could fall in love when Angelus never could. I fell in love with you at first sight, Buffy. . .it shouldn't be shocking that Spike, after watching you for years, could find that he too was drawn to the truly remarkable person that you are. I'm sure you don't need me to tell you that he still faces an uphill battle: our recent experience with Harmony has reinforced the lesson that a soulless vampire will always face a powerful pull to do evil. However, we both know that Spike can be terribly stubborn, and seeing that stubbornness directed at staying on the side of light is a remarkable thing to see. . .if he does stay reformed, you will have contributed to not only wiping out part of the legacy of my evil, but actually turned it into a force for good. . .and I will be terribly grateful to you for that.

Dawn's a wonderful young woman, Buffy, and knowing that my prior memories of her are only figments of some dead monk's imagination does not change my opinion on the subject. Losing both you and Joyce has been horrible for her, and I know she is full of doubts right now. I will do what I can to help her, and I know I speak for Wesley, Cordelia, and Gunn when I say that they will be there for her as well.

Buffy. . .a year and a half ago I gave up a second chance to live life as a human because I believed that staying that way would hasten your death. A small part of me feels like a fool now for having done that, now that it appears to have been in vain, but I know I made the right choice. . .not just because I wanted to be able to protect you, but because my abilities have proven indispensable over that time in doing the work that we do in Los Angeles. . .five years ago, I saw you outside Hemery High and you inspired me to make a difference in this world. . .that legacy lives on after you, and I will keep on trying to make it one that is truly worthy of you.


Good-bye, my love. May your rest be peaceful, and our memories of you never grow dim.


Angel


. . .to be continued


As always, comments are welcomed and desired