Title: The Vampire Reflects
Author: Jenn (Scully)
Feedback: Please!!! Scully7491@aol.com or r&r
Archive: Just tell me! This will also be at my website soon http://buffysumtv.homestead.com/index.html
Disclaimer: I don't own BTVS, the characters etc etc.
Summary: Post " The Gift"; In the aftermath of a tragedy, a vampire reveals his thoughts and grief. Spike POV. Sequel to Dawn's Lament
Rating: G
Note: This is the second in a series. I plan to go through each individual scoobie's reactions
and work my way towards how I think Buffy will come back. Feedback is much appreciated and keeps
me writing! :-)
The Vampire Reflects
BUFFY: "We're not all gonna make it.
You know that."
SPIKE: "Yeah. Hey, I always knew I'd go down
fighting."
BUFFY: "I'm counting on you, Spike.
To help protect her."
SPIKE: 'Til the end of the world -- even if
that happens to be tonight.'
- "The Gift"
She asked me if I realized that some of us wouldn't survive. I thought that by all the odds that person would be me. After all I had gone through I was ready to go through ten times more if it meant that she and the lil' bit could go on living. After all I've 'ad my share of life, more than so. But I never thought that the one to die would be Buffy. Yet as I sat there on the ground, bleeding and broken, sobbing and shirking away from the fatal sun, staring at her lifeless form I thought to myself 'You should have known'. She was getting tired of being the Slayer, she had her death wish even if she hadn't fully realized it yet. But I chose to ignore it; chalked it up to her 'sis being 'eld captive an' all. But she is different, was different. She always was. And I love her for that. She sacrificed what she didn't have to, to save Dawn, to right a wrong. And against all odds and rituals she turned it around and saved the world. And I think myself weak, even though logically there was nothing more to be done. Dawn would've died if Buffy hadn't. And the Slayer I love could have never have willingly let that 'appen if there was even the tiniest chance of stopping it.
Yes I still love her. I don't think I'll ever stop. And ever is more than figurative for a vampire. The others figured that I would leave, abandon them and return to my evil ways, maybe find a doc to get the chip outta my 'ead. They never said it, but I could see it in their faces whenever I came around. Without Buffy as a medium I was just another vampire to hate, another reminder of what Buffy gave her life to and eventually for. I understand. I know what they are feeling. They want someone,something, to blame, besides the empty revenge they had against the chit Glory. And I know that given time they will come to trust me. That they will see me for what I am now. But I swore to protect Dawn, and I will honor that final promise. I don't know why- I don't know why I feel the things I do. I don't know why I love Dawn as if she were my own blood, I don't know why it upsets me to see the scorn on the scoobies' faces, I don't know why it bleeding 'urts so much when I miss Buffy that I want to die me'self. I only know that it is wonderful and painful and confusing, and I wouldn't give it up for the world. To know love, to have loved, to have gained a friend in Dawn and an alliance with Buffy, to 'ave felt for a small moment that I was accepted and part of the greater good on this soddin' earth is a blessing I don't deserve. And I cry every night in both joy that I can experience that and in sorrow that I can't share it with Buffy. I doubt she would 'ave ever really loved me. But there was something, something, that last night when she invited me in her 'ouse. A smidgen of hope, that small crumb I was waiting for her to drop. It was the beginning, the beginning of what I'd dare hope would've been a friendship. But we never got that chance. And that regret. For Buffy, I mourn. For Dawn, I care. For the world, I protect. For her, friends I prove. Because it was what she wanted. Because I would do anything she wanted. Because she made me feel like a man. Because I love her.
I've been staying in the Slayer's house with Dawn ever since. Willow, Willow is the only one who treats me with a little respect. She's taught me how to handle things around here, and helps with the things that I can't. The Watcher wanted Dawn to move in with him but she couldn't bear to leave the memories behind. She told me once that it hurt more to forget that it did to face the memories every day. I admire her for that. Myself, I can't yet bring myself to go into her room. It's ironic, that is. Now that she can't care about my snooping in her room I can't not care that it feels wrong. I guess I'm still in denial. I guess some part of me that likes to be tortured believes by some miracle she'll come back to us. I wish you could come back luv. I wish it more than anything. Buffy.
Author: Jenn (Scully)
Feedback: Please!!! Scully7491@aol.com or r&r
Archive: Just tell me! This will also be at my website soon http://buffysumtv.homestead.com/index.html
Disclaimer: I don't own BTVS, the characters etc etc.
Summary: Post " The Gift"; In the aftermath of a tragedy, a vampire reveals his thoughts and grief. Spike POV. Sequel to Dawn's Lament
Rating: G
Note: This is the second in a series. I plan to go through each individual scoobie's reactions
and work my way towards how I think Buffy will come back. Feedback is much appreciated and keeps
me writing! :-)
The Vampire Reflects
BUFFY: "We're not all gonna make it.
You know that."
SPIKE: "Yeah. Hey, I always knew I'd go down
fighting."
BUFFY: "I'm counting on you, Spike.
To help protect her."
SPIKE: 'Til the end of the world -- even if
that happens to be tonight.'
- "The Gift"
She asked me if I realized that some of us wouldn't survive. I thought that by all the odds that person would be me. After all I had gone through I was ready to go through ten times more if it meant that she and the lil' bit could go on living. After all I've 'ad my share of life, more than so. But I never thought that the one to die would be Buffy. Yet as I sat there on the ground, bleeding and broken, sobbing and shirking away from the fatal sun, staring at her lifeless form I thought to myself 'You should have known'. She was getting tired of being the Slayer, she had her death wish even if she hadn't fully realized it yet. But I chose to ignore it; chalked it up to her 'sis being 'eld captive an' all. But she is different, was different. She always was. And I love her for that. She sacrificed what she didn't have to, to save Dawn, to right a wrong. And against all odds and rituals she turned it around and saved the world. And I think myself weak, even though logically there was nothing more to be done. Dawn would've died if Buffy hadn't. And the Slayer I love could have never have willingly let that 'appen if there was even the tiniest chance of stopping it.
Yes I still love her. I don't think I'll ever stop. And ever is more than figurative for a vampire. The others figured that I would leave, abandon them and return to my evil ways, maybe find a doc to get the chip outta my 'ead. They never said it, but I could see it in their faces whenever I came around. Without Buffy as a medium I was just another vampire to hate, another reminder of what Buffy gave her life to and eventually for. I understand. I know what they are feeling. They want someone,something, to blame, besides the empty revenge they had against the chit Glory. And I know that given time they will come to trust me. That they will see me for what I am now. But I swore to protect Dawn, and I will honor that final promise. I don't know why- I don't know why I feel the things I do. I don't know why I love Dawn as if she were my own blood, I don't know why it upsets me to see the scorn on the scoobies' faces, I don't know why it bleeding 'urts so much when I miss Buffy that I want to die me'self. I only know that it is wonderful and painful and confusing, and I wouldn't give it up for the world. To know love, to have loved, to have gained a friend in Dawn and an alliance with Buffy, to 'ave felt for a small moment that I was accepted and part of the greater good on this soddin' earth is a blessing I don't deserve. And I cry every night in both joy that I can experience that and in sorrow that I can't share it with Buffy. I doubt she would 'ave ever really loved me. But there was something, something, that last night when she invited me in her 'ouse. A smidgen of hope, that small crumb I was waiting for her to drop. It was the beginning, the beginning of what I'd dare hope would've been a friendship. But we never got that chance. And that regret. For Buffy, I mourn. For Dawn, I care. For the world, I protect. For her, friends I prove. Because it was what she wanted. Because I would do anything she wanted. Because she made me feel like a man. Because I love her.
I've been staying in the Slayer's house with Dawn ever since. Willow, Willow is the only one who treats me with a little respect. She's taught me how to handle things around here, and helps with the things that I can't. The Watcher wanted Dawn to move in with him but she couldn't bear to leave the memories behind. She told me once that it hurt more to forget that it did to face the memories every day. I admire her for that. Myself, I can't yet bring myself to go into her room. It's ironic, that is. Now that she can't care about my snooping in her room I can't not care that it feels wrong. I guess I'm still in denial. I guess some part of me that likes to be tortured believes by some miracle she'll come back to us. I wish you could come back luv. I wish it more than anything. Buffy.
