Title: A Watcher's Duty
Disclaimer: I don't own them just my take on the storyline
Archive: Just tell me first. Also at my site soon http://buffysumtv.homestead.com/index.html
Author: Jenn B.
Rating: G
Summary: Post "The Gift" A month later, Giles thinks about his time with Buffy; his position as her watcher and what the future holds. Third in the Aftermath Series (Dawn's Lament, A Vampire Reflects....)
GILES:
I love Dawn.
BUFFY:
I know.
GILES:
But I have sworn to protect this sorry
world, and sometimes that means
saying and doing... what other people
can't. What they shouldn't have to.
A Watcher's Duty
The past month has been one of the most difficult times I can ever remember living through. The bottles of alcohol that once gathered dust on my shelves are frequently replaced now, as I allow my mind to be numb and forget for a time while I stare into the bottom of a glass.
Tara was correct. I am a killer. I killed Ben, ruthlessly, and ultimately I killed Buffy by not finding another solution. I was tired. I was in pain. And I am ashamed to admit that I wanted to end it. I love Dawn but I had to face the harsh reality that a sacrifice would need to be made. So I forced the most human part of me into the deep recesses of my soul and let 'him', the Ripper, come out to deal with what I could not. I became what I despised and a part of me regrets that while the other part is grateful to have had that to fall back on. The Ripper could lose his temper, the Ripper could tell Buffy to kill her sister and be true to her duty to save the world. But the Ripper is no match for what Buffy was, what she believed, nor for what I feel now that she is gone. The Ripper never knew such pain.
I have struggled to find my purpose now, and I think the Magic Shop is the one thing that keeps me from becoming a recluse. I am not a watcher and I am not a father, no matter how hard I try to be one for Dawn. Empty silences and awkward moments define our relationship now. I think she's afraid that I would rather have Buffy than her, which is not true; I would rather have them both. She has become rather attached to Spike, which disturbs me somewhat, but he takes his newfound duty as serious as I've seen him take anything. However ,he knows well what I would do if he were to hurt her physically or otherwise. As we are all she has left, she is a part of Buffy, and truly all we have left of her as well. We all adore her and she is beginning to show parts of what Buffy was, the bravery, and the honor to do right that defined her life combined with her own unique personality. Yet she also reflects the innocence that Buffy had lost long ago, something I've personally vowed to keep in tact as much as is possible given the recent events.
As per Buffy's request I have kept my watcher's journal updated, noting the encounters Spike and the others have come upon. The most difficult thing I have ever had to do was detail her passing, and yet I was glad I did in the end, she deserves to be remembered for her sacrifices, her work. Those tear stained pages are her memorial, the testament and record of her trials and triumphs, how we all remember her and how future slayers will see her, in awe. I loved her like a daughter, I was proud of her as a mentor and guide, and I respected her for who she was. Buffy, you made this 'sorry world' a little brighter for all who knew you, for all of those who's lives you saved, and you are missed greatly.
TBC in "The Big Gun"
Disclaimer: I don't own them just my take on the storyline
Archive: Just tell me first. Also at my site soon http://buffysumtv.homestead.com/index.html
Author: Jenn B.
Rating: G
Summary: Post "The Gift" A month later, Giles thinks about his time with Buffy; his position as her watcher and what the future holds. Third in the Aftermath Series (Dawn's Lament, A Vampire Reflects....)
GILES:
I love Dawn.
BUFFY:
I know.
GILES:
But I have sworn to protect this sorry
world, and sometimes that means
saying and doing... what other people
can't. What they shouldn't have to.
A Watcher's Duty
The past month has been one of the most difficult times I can ever remember living through. The bottles of alcohol that once gathered dust on my shelves are frequently replaced now, as I allow my mind to be numb and forget for a time while I stare into the bottom of a glass.
Tara was correct. I am a killer. I killed Ben, ruthlessly, and ultimately I killed Buffy by not finding another solution. I was tired. I was in pain. And I am ashamed to admit that I wanted to end it. I love Dawn but I had to face the harsh reality that a sacrifice would need to be made. So I forced the most human part of me into the deep recesses of my soul and let 'him', the Ripper, come out to deal with what I could not. I became what I despised and a part of me regrets that while the other part is grateful to have had that to fall back on. The Ripper could lose his temper, the Ripper could tell Buffy to kill her sister and be true to her duty to save the world. But the Ripper is no match for what Buffy was, what she believed, nor for what I feel now that she is gone. The Ripper never knew such pain.
I have struggled to find my purpose now, and I think the Magic Shop is the one thing that keeps me from becoming a recluse. I am not a watcher and I am not a father, no matter how hard I try to be one for Dawn. Empty silences and awkward moments define our relationship now. I think she's afraid that I would rather have Buffy than her, which is not true; I would rather have them both. She has become rather attached to Spike, which disturbs me somewhat, but he takes his newfound duty as serious as I've seen him take anything. However ,he knows well what I would do if he were to hurt her physically or otherwise. As we are all she has left, she is a part of Buffy, and truly all we have left of her as well. We all adore her and she is beginning to show parts of what Buffy was, the bravery, and the honor to do right that defined her life combined with her own unique personality. Yet she also reflects the innocence that Buffy had lost long ago, something I've personally vowed to keep in tact as much as is possible given the recent events.
As per Buffy's request I have kept my watcher's journal updated, noting the encounters Spike and the others have come upon. The most difficult thing I have ever had to do was detail her passing, and yet I was glad I did in the end, she deserves to be remembered for her sacrifices, her work. Those tear stained pages are her memorial, the testament and record of her trials and triumphs, how we all remember her and how future slayers will see her, in awe. I loved her like a daughter, I was proud of her as a mentor and guide, and I respected her for who she was. Buffy, you made this 'sorry world' a little brighter for all who knew you, for all of those who's lives you saved, and you are missed greatly.
TBC in "The Big Gun"
