Celebrity Deathmatch: Offspring vs. Linkin Park

By: Stacie Russell

Johnny: Welcome to another heart-stopping Celebrity Deathmatch! I'm Johnny Gomez

Nick: And I'm Nick Diamond. Tonight's event has 1 match between the most popular rock and roll bands!

Johnny: That's right, Nick. And we have a special guest with us tonight: Trent Reznor from NiN!

Trent: Hi.

Nick: This match will be The Offspring versus Linkin Park.

Trent: Yep. It's Dexter and Noodles versus those guys from Linkin Park.

Johnny: This should be an exiting match!

Nick: And here comes Dexter and Noodles!

(Dexter and Noodles walk out. Dexter looks as hot as always)

Dexter: Hey, Linkin Park! I'm going to send you two to meet the real Lincoln, in hell!

Noodles: Huh? Dex, what the f*ck are you talking about?

Dexter: Shut up, bitch! I'm trying to sound like a bad-ass.

Trent: What a dumbass!

Johnny: And here comes Linkin Park. Note: I don't know Linkin Park's names.

(The two guys from Linkin Park walk out)

Guy 1: Hey, Noodles! We're so totally going to kick your ass!

Guy 2: Totally, dude! You guys are such chumpstains.

Nick: Wait a moment, those guys look exactly like Edge and Christian in the WWF!

Johnny: Dammit, first Kane and now them! What is this, WCW?!

Trent: It's Celebrity Deathmatch, Gomez.

Johnny: I knew that, Trent!

(The camera zooms closer and we can see that it IS Edge and Christian)

Dexter: We'll beat your asses too!

Noodles: Umm... Dex? I'm scared.

Dexter: Just do it, or you won't get to see Pamela Anderson's new porn movie!

Noodles: (Looking brave) Than let's kick some ass!

Mills: All right, gentleman. I want to see some serious ass kicking, and maybe a conchairto!

(Edge smiles)

Mills: Let's get it on!

(Bell rings)

Nick: And here we go!

(Christian leg sweeps Dexter and he falls. Edge is running around the ring after Noodles)

Edge: Get back here, baby!

(Trent Reznor's seat is empty)

Johnny: Damn. It looks like Reznor's going to interfere in this match as well!

(Noodles gives Christian a roundhouse slap. Christian falls. Edge is now chasing Dexter)

Dexter: Must...reach...beer (He runs to the left side where there is a cooler full of beer)

(Dexter opens the cooler and grabs a mike)

Dexter: Hey. I have beer here! (He jiggles the beer enticingly)

(Suddenly Trent comes out with a chair and hits Dexter over the head. He then grabs the beer and runs)

Nick: I don't believe it!

(Edge picks up Dexter and throws him into the walls on the outside. A big red stain appears)

Johnny: And Dexter Holland is eliminated!

(Christian is currently being punched by Noodles)

(Edge is sitting in the audience, flirting with a "foxcake")

Nick: And Noodles might win this one!

Johnny: Anyone see Trent?

(Cut to Nick's locker room. Trent Reznor is drinking beer and looking through Nick's backpack)

(Back to C.D.)

Nick: Hey! That twerp's in my room!

(Noodles grabs Christian's hair and pulls it out)

Johnny: Oh my God! He just took away Christian's golden locks!

Christian: Aaaah! My strength...

(Christinan flops down)

Nick: And it looks like Christian is a modern-day Sampson. His hair gives him strength!

(Noodles grabs Christian and breaks him in half, like a twig)

Johnny: And now Noodles has to fight Edge!

Nick: Umm, Edge is gone.

(Edge is no longer in the audience)

(Mills walks into the ring)

Mills: And the winner is, by default, Noodles!

(Crowd cheers)

Noodles: Now I can watch Pamela Anderson! (Skips to backstage)

Nick: That was amazing!

(Cut to the parking lot)

(Trent stole Nick's car and is heading towards Busty Vixens)

(Back to C.D.)

Johnny: It looks like Reznor stiffed us, Nick!

Nick: (Looking dazed) My car!

Johnny: Well, that's all the time we have for tonight! I'm Johnny Gomez.

Nick: (Still dazed) And...I'm...Nick...Diamond. Saying

Johnny and Nick: Good fight, goodnight!

(Cut to Busty Vixens)

(Trent is sitting at a table with Jenny McCarthy table dancing)

Trent: Wow! I can't believe you work here!

Jenny: Shut up and give me the cash!

~End~

This was a requested fanfic. I know it's short. If you want to e-mail me: Offspringchica84@aol.com

PS- Scott Baio is the Antichrist!