~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Forget-Them-Not
By Gracie Kay
Part Two of Four
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It was over two cups of Vulcan spice tea later in the day, in her quarters --Captain's quarters--that Kathryn Janeway was given a history lesson on her own past--seven years of it, in fact. She knew no one on this ship but Tuvok, because he was the only one she had known at the time of an injury on the Billings, in engineering, seven years before. Naturally, she requested that this history lesson be just between her and the Vulcan, who was now a lieutenant commander and her chief of security.
"It's a beautiful name," she murmured when he told her. "Voyager." Somehow knowing the name of this ship, her ship, helped her form a bond with it.
Tuvok briefed her on the specs of the ship, but it was events that she really needed to understand. And as she learned, she became more and more uneasy. At last, after long hours and many questions, he had told her everything of consequence that had taken place in the last seven years of her life.
She was silent for several long minutes, during which Tuvok patiently sipped his tea and allowed her to absorb it all. But there was so much to absorb . . .
At last, she spoke. "Captain Janeway." Hearing it in her own voice somehow brought it to reality, but still-- She smiled softly at him, although he did not smile back. She hadn't expected him to. "Has a strange sound, doesn't it?"
"You have carried the title well, Captain," he said simply.
"But . . . have I? I mean, look at the past five years, Tuvok. I violated the Prime Directive and stranded this crew in the Delta Quadrant with the same order . . . I made a sentenced felon my conn officer and a Maquis commander my first officer . . . I have an ex-drone on my ship with her own security clearance code . . ." It was really unbelievable, and unsettling. "Are you sure we're talking about me?"
He gave her the closest thing to a smile that she had ever seen from him. "We are, Captain."
She sighed. "I thought that maybe something you told me would--I don't know, would bring it all back to my mind. Help me remember it. Hearing it from you and remembering it myself aren't quite the same, you know."
"No, Captain, they are not."
At least he hadn't changed. "I can't keep commanding this ship as though nothing has happened. I . . . I just don't feel ready to take the captain's chair, Tuvok. I have to appoint someone to take command of this ship until I regain my memories. Or at least until I know them as though they were my own."
"A logical course of action, Captain."
She looked into his dark eyes. "You are the only one I know on this entire ship. The 'logical course of action' would be to appoint you to command."
He looked away. "Perhaps. However, Commander Chakotay is next in the chain of command."
"You are the chief of security. If we want to speak in terms of protocol alone . . . I violated protocol by appointing Chakotay first officer at all. The post should have gone to you, Tuvok."
"I have been honored to serve as your security chief. I have not desired command of this vessel."
You can't lie to me; you're a Vulcan. And he was a friend. He would tell her only the unedited truth. "Are you saying you still don't desire it? Are you saying that you would prefer me to give command of the ship to this Chakotay?"
"I am advising you to follow the chain of command you yourself set up after the destruction of the Caretaker's array. You did not appoint Commander Chakotay to the post of first officer blindly. He has shown himself a capable commander on more than one occasion, Captain. He will not disappoint you."
She felt another sigh coming but bit it back. For a long moment, neither of them spoke. "All right. I'll follow your counsel. I have never known it to lead me astray before."
He nodded. "Another wise choice, Captain."
What was this? Was Tuvok actually indulging in humor? She smiled.
~~~~~~~~
Chakotay paused before pressing the chime on the door. He usually conferred with the captain in her ready room, not her quarters. But as far as he knew, she hadn't even been to her ready room since the accident.
The impulse to assign blame was a strong one. If Tom hadn't asked the captain to join him on the holodeck, this would have never happened. But if that argument held water, then so did the one that would say it was Janeway's fault for accepting the invitation.
No. It was an accident. It was no one's fault. But he hoped with everything inside him that this memory lapse would be short-lived. He needed--they all needed--her back to the way she had been: calm, in control, decisive, wearing her authority without effort. He just wanted her back.
Quickly he hit the door chime, and was rewarded with her voice after a momentary pause. "Come in."
The door slid aside, and he stepped into the room. She was standing as though she had just risen to her feet, and she looked him up and down and nodded slowly. "Commander Chakotay."
The formality hurt, and hurt deep. But Chakotay reminded himself that she didn't know him, and he couldn't expect anything different. Still, he wondered what he should do about her stiffness, if he should do anything. Not knowing how to act around her was something new and painful, and after a moment's hesitation, he opted to follow her lead. If formality, arm's length interaction, made her feel more secure, he would oblige.
"Captain Janeway." The response was stiff, he knew, but he hadn't addressed her that way in years. Hopefully she could appreciate that this was awkward for him as well as for her.
"I've been . . . giving this predicament some thought, Commander. And I've come to a decision. I find I have little choice but to . . . to place you in command of this vessel. At least for the time being."
He didn't know what to say. It was difficult for her, he could tell. "Well, I . . . I appreciate your trust in me, Captain."
"Not in you, Commander. In myself."
He frowned, puzzled, hoping she would offer the explanation and not make him ask.
She didn't disappoint him. "In myself, that I made the right decision when I made you my first officer five years ago, despite the fact that it was in violation of protocol. When I decided that you were at least as capable as Mr. Tuvok to lead this ship, should something happen to me."
"I see. I . . . I suppose that it makes you feel . . . more secure, at least, knowing that even if you don't remember the decision, you know it was yours."
"Actually, you'd be surprised at how little comfort that brings me."
He tried to hide the smile, but it slid onto his face anyway.
"Is something amusing?"
"No, not at all. It . . . that just sounded so much like you, that's all."
To his surprise, her rigidity softened, and he saw the pain behind her blue eyes. He felt a prick of regret for his words as she said softly, "That's because it was me."
She turned away from him for a moment, and he waited for her to continue, knowing that she wanted to say more. "I've been reading my log." Her eyes went back to his face, searching for something, though just what he didn't know.
"It's strange, reading my own words, not recognizing them as mine. But I feel as though I've come to know you a little, come to know all the senior officers on this ship. I . . . I have a fine crew, don't I?"
The vulnerability in her eyes hurt him as much as her stiffness had before. "Yes, Captain," he said, forcing a small grin he didn't really feel. "You certainly do. And you've been a fine captain to them--to us--all."
He waited, then asked what he had been wanting to ask for several minutes. "The crew does have a request, Captain. They would like for you to accept visitors, but they're not sure if you're up to it yet."
A gentle smile formed the curves of her mouth. "Well, I don't know why not. The Doctor says that outside stimulation may help me to remember more quickly. Although there's still the chance that . . . I never will."
"You will." He said it with all the conviction he felt, and she looked up at him quickly.
"I appreciate the confidence, Commander. I mean, Chakotay."
He nodded his approval at the amendment, something she seemed to need at the moment. "I'll set a daily limit to visitors, or you'll have a hundred people here at all hours of the day."
"Agreed." And somehow he felt as though she really did know him when she smiled.
~~~~~~
(to be continued . . . Feedback greatly appreciated!
