THE "BUYING A BED" SKETCH
Episode 8 of series 1
from "Monty Python's Flying Circus"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Prepared by John MacKanacKy (jsuliga@lb.ists.pwr.wroc.pl)
Check out my WWW HomePage : http://www.ists.pwr.wroc.pl/~jsuliga
CHARACTERS:
SCENE: Thrawn and Pellaeon enter the shop.
Thrawn: Hello, we would like to buy a warship, please.
Karrde: Certainly sir, I'll get someone to help you.
Pellaeon: Thank you.
Karrde: Aves!
Aves: Can I help you, sir?
Thrawn: Yes, we'd like a warship, a big one, and I wondered if you'd got one for about fifty credits.
Aves: Oh no, I'm afraid not, sir. Our cheapest ship is eight hundred thousand million credits, sir.
Thrawn & Pellaeon: Eight hundred thousand million credits?
Karrde: Excuse me, sir, but before I go, I ought to have told you that Aves does tend to exaggerate. Every figure he gives you will be 29 times too high.
Thrawn: I see.
Karrde: Otherwise he's perfectly all right.
Thrawn: I see. Er... your cheapest ship then is eighty credits?
Aves: Eight hundred thousand million credits, yes, sir.
Thrawn: I see. And how wide is it?
Aves: It's 17 feet wide.
Thrawn: Yes...
Pellaeon: (whispers) 17 feet!
Thrawn: (shrugs)
Pellaeon: (whispers) Oh.
Thrawn: ...and the length?
Aves: The length is ... er... just a moment. Karrde, what is the length of the Corellian Corvette we just brought in from Corellia?
Karrde: Ah. Two feet long.
Thrawn: Two feet long?
Aves: Yes, remembering of course that you have to multiply everything Karrde says by 8. It's nothing he can help, you understand. Otherwise he's perfectly all right.
Thrawn: (confused) I see, I'm sorry.
Aves: But it does mean that when he says a bed is two foot long, it is in fact 160 feet long, all right?
Thrawn: Yes, I see.
Aves: That's without the crew, of course.
Thrawn: How much is that?
Aves: Er, Karrde will be able to tell you that. Karrde! Could you show these twenty good people the vornskyr support frames, please?
Thrawn: Vornskyr support frames? No, no, the crew!
Aves: I'm sorry, you have to say 'vornskyr kennel' to Karrde, because if you say 'crew' he puts a paper bag over his head. I should have explained. Otherwise he's perfectly all right.
Thrawn: Oh. Ah. I see. Er, excuse me, could you show us the vornskyr support frames, please, hm?
Karrde: Vornskyr support frames?
Thrawn: Yes, we want to look at the vornskyr support frames, hm.
Karrde: Ah yes, well that's the pets' department, second floor.
Thrawn: No, no, no, we want to see the VORNSKYR SUPPORT FRAMES.
Karrde: (irritated) Yes, second floor.
Thrawn: No, we don't want to see vornskyr support frames, it's just that Aves said that...
Karrde: Oh dear, what's he been telling you now?
Thrawn: Well, he said we should say 'vornskyr support frames' instead of saying 'crews'.
(Karrde puts a paper bag on his head)
Thrawn: Oh dear. Hello? Hello? Hello?
Aves: (approaching) Did you say 'crew'?
Thrawn: Well, yes, er...
Karrde: (muffled) I'm not coming out!
Aves: I did *ask* you not to say 'crew', didn't I?
Thrawn: But I mean, er...
Karrde: (muffled) I'm not!
Thrawn: Oh.
Aves: Now I've got to get him to the fish tank and sing.
Thrawn: Oh.
Aves: (sings) And did those feet, in ancient time...
Mara: (walking up, hearing the singing) Oh dear, did somebody say crew to Karrde?
Thrawn: Yes, I did.
(Mara gives nasty look at Thrawn)
Aves: (still singing) ...walk upon Alderaan's mountains green...
(Mara joins in) ...and was the Holy Lamb of God...
(Karrde removes bucket; Aves and Mara immediately stop singing; Mara leaves.)
Aves: He should be all right now, but don't...you know...*don't*!
Thrawn: No, no. (to Karrde) Excuse me, could we see the vornskyr support frames please?
Karrde: (irritated) Yes, pets department, second floor.
Thrawn: No, no, no. Those vornskyr support frames, like that. You see?
Karrde: Crews?
Thrawn: (relieved) Yes.
Karrde: But if you want a crew, why not say 'crew'?
Thrawn: (nervously) Ha ha, I mean...
Karrde: I mean, it's a little confusing for me when you say 'vornskyr kennel' if you want a crew. Why not just say 'crew'?
Thrawn: But you put a paper bag over your head last time we said 'crew'.
(Karrde puts the paper bag over his head again)
Aves: (running on the scene again) Oh dear! (sings) And did those feet...
Mara: (to Thrawn) We *did* ask! (duet) ...in ancient times, walk upon England's mountains green...
(Singing continues throughout the next few lines of dialogue.)
Chin: (running in) Did somebody say 'crew' to Karrde?
(Mara points angrily towards the Thrawn and Pellaeon)
Aves: *Twice*!
Chin: (shouting throughout the store) Hey, everybody! Somebody said 'crew' to Karrde -- *twice*! (joins in the singing)
(Organ music swells and they carry on singing)
Aves: It's not working, we need more!
(The entire Choir begins to sing in the background. Sounds of water splashing; eventually Karrde removes the bag again and they stop singing)
Karrde: I'm sorry, can I help you?
Pellaeon: (brightly) We want a crew!
(Karrde puts the bag over his head again. Aves, Thrawn and Mara all groan and glare accusingly at Pellaeon)
Pellaeon: But it's my only line!!!
The End.
Episode 8 of series 1
from "Monty Python's Flying Circus"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Prepared by John MacKanacKy (jsuliga@lb.ists.pwr.wroc.pl)
Check out my WWW HomePage : http://www.ists.pwr.wroc.pl/~jsuliga
CHARACTERS:
SCENE: Thrawn and Pellaeon enter the shop.
Thrawn: Hello, we would like to buy a warship, please.
Karrde: Certainly sir, I'll get someone to help you.
Pellaeon: Thank you.
Karrde: Aves!
Aves: Can I help you, sir?
Thrawn: Yes, we'd like a warship, a big one, and I wondered if you'd got one for about fifty credits.
Aves: Oh no, I'm afraid not, sir. Our cheapest ship is eight hundred thousand million credits, sir.
Thrawn & Pellaeon: Eight hundred thousand million credits?
Karrde: Excuse me, sir, but before I go, I ought to have told you that Aves does tend to exaggerate. Every figure he gives you will be 29 times too high.
Thrawn: I see.
Karrde: Otherwise he's perfectly all right.
Thrawn: I see. Er... your cheapest ship then is eighty credits?
Aves: Eight hundred thousand million credits, yes, sir.
Thrawn: I see. And how wide is it?
Aves: It's 17 feet wide.
Thrawn: Yes...
Pellaeon: (whispers) 17 feet!
Thrawn: (shrugs)
Pellaeon: (whispers) Oh.
Thrawn: ...and the length?
Aves: The length is ... er... just a moment. Karrde, what is the length of the Corellian Corvette we just brought in from Corellia?
Karrde: Ah. Two feet long.
Thrawn: Two feet long?
Aves: Yes, remembering of course that you have to multiply everything Karrde says by 8. It's nothing he can help, you understand. Otherwise he's perfectly all right.
Thrawn: (confused) I see, I'm sorry.
Aves: But it does mean that when he says a bed is two foot long, it is in fact 160 feet long, all right?
Thrawn: Yes, I see.
Aves: That's without the crew, of course.
Thrawn: How much is that?
Aves: Er, Karrde will be able to tell you that. Karrde! Could you show these twenty good people the vornskyr support frames, please?
Thrawn: Vornskyr support frames? No, no, the crew!
Aves: I'm sorry, you have to say 'vornskyr kennel' to Karrde, because if you say 'crew' he puts a paper bag over his head. I should have explained. Otherwise he's perfectly all right.
Thrawn: Oh. Ah. I see. Er, excuse me, could you show us the vornskyr support frames, please, hm?
Karrde: Vornskyr support frames?
Thrawn: Yes, we want to look at the vornskyr support frames, hm.
Karrde: Ah yes, well that's the pets' department, second floor.
Thrawn: No, no, no, we want to see the VORNSKYR SUPPORT FRAMES.
Karrde: (irritated) Yes, second floor.
Thrawn: No, we don't want to see vornskyr support frames, it's just that Aves said that...
Karrde: Oh dear, what's he been telling you now?
Thrawn: Well, he said we should say 'vornskyr support frames' instead of saying 'crews'.
(Karrde puts a paper bag on his head)
Thrawn: Oh dear. Hello? Hello? Hello?
Aves: (approaching) Did you say 'crew'?
Thrawn: Well, yes, er...
Karrde: (muffled) I'm not coming out!
Aves: I did *ask* you not to say 'crew', didn't I?
Thrawn: But I mean, er...
Karrde: (muffled) I'm not!
Thrawn: Oh.
Aves: Now I've got to get him to the fish tank and sing.
Thrawn: Oh.
Aves: (sings) And did those feet, in ancient time...
Mara: (walking up, hearing the singing) Oh dear, did somebody say crew to Karrde?
Thrawn: Yes, I did.
(Mara gives nasty look at Thrawn)
Aves: (still singing) ...walk upon Alderaan's mountains green...
(Mara joins in) ...and was the Holy Lamb of God...
(Karrde removes bucket; Aves and Mara immediately stop singing; Mara leaves.)
Aves: He should be all right now, but don't...you know...*don't*!
Thrawn: No, no. (to Karrde) Excuse me, could we see the vornskyr support frames please?
Karrde: (irritated) Yes, pets department, second floor.
Thrawn: No, no, no. Those vornskyr support frames, like that. You see?
Karrde: Crews?
Thrawn: (relieved) Yes.
Karrde: But if you want a crew, why not say 'crew'?
Thrawn: (nervously) Ha ha, I mean...
Karrde: I mean, it's a little confusing for me when you say 'vornskyr kennel' if you want a crew. Why not just say 'crew'?
Thrawn: But you put a paper bag over your head last time we said 'crew'.
(Karrde puts the paper bag over his head again)
Aves: (running on the scene again) Oh dear! (sings) And did those feet...
Mara: (to Thrawn) We *did* ask! (duet) ...in ancient times, walk upon England's mountains green...
(Singing continues throughout the next few lines of dialogue.)
Chin: (running in) Did somebody say 'crew' to Karrde?
(Mara points angrily towards the Thrawn and Pellaeon)
Aves: *Twice*!
Chin: (shouting throughout the store) Hey, everybody! Somebody said 'crew' to Karrde -- *twice*! (joins in the singing)
(Organ music swells and they carry on singing)
Aves: It's not working, we need more!
(The entire Choir begins to sing in the background. Sounds of water splashing; eventually Karrde removes the bag again and they stop singing)
Karrde: I'm sorry, can I help you?
Pellaeon: (brightly) We want a crew!
(Karrde puts the bag over his head again. Aves, Thrawn and Mara all groan and glare accusingly at Pellaeon)
Pellaeon: But it's my only line!!!
The End.
