Who Wants to Be a Millionaire in Hyrule, Part Deux

Don't forget to visit the Desert Colossus, my Zelda site! Thanks to all who loved the first chapter, so I wrote this for entertainment. I got the last name of the host of 'Weakest Link' wrong, so don't correct me by email, just put it in the review. You'll notice Regis is mean in this Episode, it's because he's trying to be like the Weakest Link host and suck up the ratings. ;) Just read!

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*Regis walks out onto the stage, with a large white bandage on his head. He puts his hands together and waves to the contestants
REGIS: Welcome one and all to another edition of, *emphasis* Who Wants to Be a Millionaire, in Hyrule. Because that evil bitch goddess Anne Simmons' show is incredibly successful, I have to give these living organ banks another shot at the Million Dollars. Let's meet our contestants.

REGIS: First we have Rauru, the Sage of Light, from Hyrule Castle. Tell me, why are you so fat?

RAURU: Wha-what? What are you talking about? Oh, I see. Yes, I'm fat! I thought you were the nice one!
REGIS: Not in this game Tubby.
RAURU: T-t-tubby?
REGIS: Swallow your Twinkie before you talk lard ass!
Our next contestant is Ruto, Princess of the Zora.
*Regis looks up from his card and sees Ruto
REGIS: Good God! You're hideous!
RUTO: Well, I never!
REGIS: I mean, you look like a choking lobster!
RUTO: Why are you so meeaaann?!
REGIS: Oh, go suck some plankton.
Let's see, our next idiot is: Link, the Hero of Time.
LINK: Dude, remember me.
REGIS: Good God, you again.
LINK: Duuuude!
REGIS: Too easy. Next contestant is Ganondorf, the King of Evil.
GANONDORF: We meet again.
REGIS: Amazing, I bet you've got stupider as well.
GANONDORF: Actually, I have!
REGIS: Hmmm, another easy one.
Okay, next jughead is Zelda, Princess of Zelda.
ZELDA: Philbin.
REGIS: You're Highness.
ZELDA: No hard feelings.
REGIS: Of course not *coughhideousbitchgoddesscough*
ZELDA: Was that an insult?

REGIS: Okay! Now let's try the fasted finger question!

Okay, place in order from first to last the order of these Temples from Ocarina of Time.
A. Fire Temple
B. Forest Temple
C. Water Temple
D. Great Deku Tree

*The contestants punch in their answers

REGIS: Okay, let's see who got the answer in the fastest time.

*The names of Rauru, Ruto, and Ganondorf light up. Rauru has the fastest time.
REGIS: Okay, now Rauru, let's play the Who Wants To Be a Barrel of Lard! I mean, Millionaire.
RAURU: If you don't mind, I'm a little sensitive about my weight.
REGIS: Of course you are, look, you're casting a shadow across the entire studio! Is that the Triforce stuck in your armpit?
RAURU: *sobbing* Leave me alone!
REGIS: Okay, I'll give- like your belt!

*Rauru gets up sobbing like a girl, and runs off the stage.

REGIS: Do you feel that Earthquake?
Well, since Tubby forfeited his turn, we'll bring up the contestant that came in second place, Fish Girl. *cringes*
Come on up

*Ruto runs up onto the stage, her fins flailing behind her.

REGIS: I swear, I could throw up right now! *shuddering*
RUTO: I'm beautiful and you know it. Play the game Regi-poo.
REGIS: Fine, for 100 Rupees: who is the Ugliest Person in Hyrule?
RUTO: What are choices?
REGIS: There's only one- YOU!
RUTO: Can I use a lifeline?

*Regis bangs his head against the screen.

REGIS: Make it stop, make it stop!
RUTO: Okay, could I please use 50/50?
REGIS: Wait, you DO realize that there is only one choice, right?!
RUTO: Yeah, but I can't choose.
REGIS: Idiot, it's not even a real question! I was INSULTING you! Are you deformed?! Oh, never mind.

GANONDORF: You are the Dumbest Link, goodbye!
REGIS: That's my line!

*Regis turns back to Ruto

REGIS: You are the Ugliest Link, goodbye!

*Ruto runs off the stage sobbing wildly. Regis points at Ganondorf.

REGIS: Dumbass, get into the hot seat.
GANONDORF: Boo-yeah Link! In your face, again!
LINK: Bank!
REGIS: Just like a blonde. Let's go fugly, get in the chair or I'll let the idiot up instead.

*Ganondorf jumps into the air and lands in the chair

REGIS: Let's get a question right this time, huh?
GANONDORF: Can do.
REGIS: I'm sure. Okay, for 100 Rupees, how many Rupees-- oh geezy creezy, it's the same one as last time-- How many Rupees does a Child's Wallet hold?
A. 99
B. 100
C. 98
D. Infinite
GANONDORF: Hmmm that's a toughie.
REGIS: You do realize you had this question last time right?
GANONDORF: I doubt it, cause I know this. It's D.
REGIS: Final Answer?

ZELDA: No! You idiot, it's A!

GANONDORF: No, I think it's D. Yeah D; final answer.
REGIS: I'm sorry the answer is A.
GANONDORF: That's what I said, A.
REGIS: No, you said D.
GANONDORF: A.
REGIS: Judges?

*Buzzer

GANONDORF: I said A!!
JUDGES: D.
GANONDORF: Oh, that's it, Regis, now you're dead!

*Ganondorf lunges at Regis, but Regis was prepared. With a single blow to Ganondorf's forehead, Regis sends the Gerudo flying to the floor. Ganondorf gets up, begins to weep, and runs away.

REGIS: What an idiot. Next one: the blonde, let's go.
LINK: Yes! It's Link's turn to shine!

*Link gets up and runs from his seat, tripping over his monitor and sliding across the ground to the hot seat.

LINK: Wicked.
REGIS: Yes, get in the chair.
LINK: Can I still get fries?
REGIS: No, just answer the question.
LINK: Bank!
REGIS: Wrong game show!
LINK: Bank!
REGIS: Arrrgh, shut up! How many Cuccos can be found during the say in Kakariko Village?
A. 5
B. 6
C. 7
D. 8

LINK: Oh, that's toughie. Can I use a lifeline? I think I want to call a friend.
REGIS: Okay, our friends at Hyrulian Telephone Service will connect you with your friends.

*Phone rings, familiar voice picks up

REGIS: Hello? Is this Link's friend
>GANONDORF: You!
REGIS: Ugh, Link needs your help.
LINK: Dude, how many Cuccos are in Kakariko Village?
>GANONDORF: 2.
REGIS: That's not one of the choices.
>GANONDORF: It's two, Link, trust me.

*Buzzer sounds, Ganondorf gets cut off at the 30 second mark

LINK: I'll pick 2.
REGIS: That isn't a choice. Forget it, you're going to get it wrong anyway. Get out of my sight!
LINK: Bummer.

*Link gets up and leaves.

REGIS: Yo, Princess, you're the last one, let's go.
ZELDA: Yay! Go me, go me!
REGIS: Welcome back your Highness.
ZELDA: I'm watching you Philbin.
REGIS: *muttering* Not if I wave a shiny thing in front of your face
ZELDA: What was that?
REGIS: Nothing, okay, here's your question: Who the King of Hyrule?
A. Hyrulius
B. Argos
C. Sahasrhla
D. Tycho II

ZELDA: I- I don't know.
REGIS: You don't know your own father's name?
ZELDA: It's funny, I've never seen him before. I'll guess... uh, A.
REGIS: I'm sorry the correct answer is--

*Microphone screeches will caucophony

ZELDA: Wow, I should how known that. I'm shocked.
REGIS: As am I. Well, that's all for tonight. Now, I'm going to go drive off a cliff so I never have to be in the same room with these people, EVER again.