Why Wufei Can't Have Alcohol


The enemy prepared the meals for the prisoners in the mess hall under the strict orders from the Grub Master. They were to give the prisoners nothing but bread and water to eat. One of the cooks eyes the trays in front of him, "Hey! We're one water shot!" he yelled. " What do we do?"
"We're not rationing out our water! Use something else!" answered the Grub Master. The cook glanced around for something like water. They had plenty of soda, milk, juice, and alcohol...wait! The cook opened the refrigerator containing the warship's supply of alcohol and triumphantly withdrew a tall bottle of clear liquid.
"Vodka looks just like water! They'll never tell the difference." He poured a glassful and ordered some guards to deliver the food.

In a cell made for seven, Heero, Dou, Trowa, Quatre, Zechs, Noin, and Wufei sat passing the time by bantering back and forth at each other. "You suck," Zechs said to no one in particular. He had run out of original insults to say.
"Yo' mama," Wufei retorted. Noin's eyes lit up as she recalled all the 'mama' jokes from her childhood.
"Yo' mama's so fat that she need a boomerang to put a belt on." Trowa was the first to catch on.
"Yo' mama's so dumb that when she went to a football game, she thought the quarterback was the guy you got popcorn from. Speaking on food..." The guards walked in, distributed the food to the prisoners, hit on Noin, and ran when Zechs stood up to kick their asses. Wufei lazily looked at his glass and started to stuff his face with his bread. He titled his glass up and took a sip of his 'water.' Noin saw his face sour as he lowered the glass.
"What's wrong?" she asked. Wufei frowned and took another sip.
"My water tastes funny. Can't figure out why though." He took another sip and Noin went back to her food. The guards came back to take the trays a few minuets latter. They all stared as Wufei held his tray out to the space next to the fist guard.
"Are you Okay man?" Duo asked. Wufei turned to him glaring at him in his usual style, but he was staring at the two huge lumps that had mysteriously appeared on the American's chest.
"Ah shit!" yelled Wufei in surprise. "Dou gotta sex change!" Duo reddened angrily as the others stared at Wufei in surprise. Noin was sitting closest to him and leaned over to look at him.
"What's wrong with you?" she wondered. Wufei grinned giddily and flopped over on to her.
"It'sh a woman..." he slurred. "Women suck a-hic-cock...Onl good for...cookin' babies."
"He seems okay to me," Quatre said. "He's always sayin' stuff like that. Except the 'cooking babies' part."
"I ate a baby!" Wufei mumbled. "Noin gonna hab a baby?" Noin could only wonder what he was getting at.
"Huh? Whaddaya mean a 'baby?'" Zechs asked.
"I shaw it on camra..."
"He bugged my room!" Noin cried. "THAT LITTLE PERVERT!"
"He was probably waiting for a good moment to kill you," Trowa said in a comforting tone. " He complained to us once how he never did kill all the people at Victoria base."
"Oh shut up!" They bound and gagged Wufei to make sure he didn't tell any more weird secrets about any one and to keep him from doing anything and tried to figure out what was up.
"He's slobberin' all over that gag," Quatre said absently after an hour or so. Quatre removed the gag getting a good whiff of Wufei's breath. "Ha! I know what's made him act like this! He's drunk! Smells like Vodka to me," Quatre said in triumph.
"We must never let him neat alcohol," Duo said. "I don't want him runnin' around drunk tellin' people I had a sex change.
"Sheksh got one too," Wufei stated. "Now him and Noin can't haf no more babies. It'sh wots fer dinner!"
"No more alcohol for Wufei," agreed Zechs and Noin as one.

And so after their escape they all went to complain to Sally Po, the only person Wufei would listen to seriously. "Whatever an occasion arises when Wufei may feel some desire to drink an alcoholic beverage, you must hand him something else," Heero explained. "We'll also try to keep him from beer and wine."
"But it doesn't sound like he really did anything bad," Sally said.
"After declaring that Noin and I were having a kid, he went on to tell the guards outside that Duo and I had a sex change. Then he made everyone play Ring-Around-the-Rosie, musical chairs, and sing 'Itsy Bitsy Spider' in Chinese. After that he somehow stole a gun from one of the guards and nearly shot us with his 'squirt gun.' We busted out when he blew up the lock with the gun and we went to get out Mobile Suits. He wet his pilot's chair, hugged everyone he saw, and forced all the soldiers, friendly or enemy, to play duck-duck-goose in their Mobile Suits," Zechs said. "Now tell me he can't have alcohol."
"I'll keep him on a steady diet of milk at celebrations and parties. I'll make him dress up like that milk guy on the commercials if he doesn't." Wufei walked in fully sober and groggily trying to get rid of his hangover.
"Who's got some milk?"
And so Wufei was never again to have an alcoholic drink. True to her word, Sally addicted Wufei to milk. Drilling into his skull that alcohol was bad and would make him weak. She even got him to star in T.V. commercials wearing the milk carton costume. Wufei went on to be a lecturer on the evils of alcohol and did some anti-drunk driving commercials.

A/N: You know the drill...we don't own anything...damn. Well I've posted 2 stories in one day. I must be really bored or something.

J-San says: You see now why Wufei never has any alcohol in my other fics. This event made that happen.

Stay tuned for the next installment of Escapades of Captured Pilots entitled: The Cell Games.