23 May 2001

Gabrielle, Goddess of Despair


"Xena, do you ever get that feeling that something terrible is about to happen?"

"I used to, whenever Joxer started fixing his turnip and radish stew."

"Yeah, me too. But seriously, I mean a feeling you can't quite put your finger on, but you just know somehow, sometime, something bad, I mean REALLY bad is going to happen."

"I've had that feeling a few times, but mostly it was the vision I had of you being nailed to that cross by Romans."

"Yeah, but you had a vision. I'm talking about a feeling, a bad, bad, dark, horrible feeling."

"No, can't say that I have. But since you're asking me, I assume you have."

"Yes. I've had it for several days now. At first it was like a strange dream you can't remember but still have that leftover feeling about. And every night it seems to be getting stronger, but I still can't pinpoint it."

"So that means if you wait a week, you'll know what it is?" Xena asked, now starting to get a little curious.

"I guess. But I'd hate to think that by the time I figure out what it is, it'll be too late."

"Too late for what?"

"I wish I knew. I just wish I knew."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Later, the two stopped for the night. Argo had been brushed down, fed and watered, as had Milkspot, the mare Gabrielle was now riding.

Since Argo didn't like to be transported from here to there, and since Xena wouldn't leave her behind, the only way for them to be together, not to wear Argo out, and to still be able to get to the villages she wanted to visit, Gabrielle decided that it made more sense to get her own horse. She accepted Milkspot (because of the milk-white spots on her brown coat) for curing a village mayor's son of stuttering.

Gabrielle had produced roast lamb, oranges, wheat and barley loaf, cheese, and wine for their supper. As they were finishing up, Xena was watching Gabrielle polish off the last orange. Then a thought came to her and she asked, "Gabrielle, why are you eating that?"

Taken a little surprised, Gabrielle answered, "Because it's here?"

"No. I mean, why do you eat? You said you don't get hungry or thirsty. So why bother eating at all?"

"Well, for one thing, I like the taste of most foods. Just because I don't need to eat, doesn't mean I don't enjoy it. And for another, it's something we've always done together, and I guess I just like the companionship of us sharing a meal. I like doing everything with you, Xena. Just like yesterday evening when we took that swim after supper. I wasn't dirty, I didn't smell, but I enjoyed the coolness of the water, and the way it felt on my body as we swam. And we were doing something together."

"Well, I just wondered. What about sleeping? You do get tired I've noticed."

"I do. But mostly after I've had a difficult or extended Healing session. I think sleeping is my body's way of restoring my energy. Although, I've noticed that I sleep less now than I did when I first got my powers."

"Getting used to them?"

"I think so. It's like . . . well, it's like learning to ride a horse. The first time you're mainly just along for the ride. And after it's over, your back aches, your butt hurts, and you might have a headache from all the bouncing around. But every time you get on the horse, you learn a little more about riding, and you get better. Every time I use my powers, I think I learn a little better way of managing the energy, and I don't get as tired."

"Makes sense. So one day you won't have to sleep at all, huh?"

"Actually, even now a lot of the time I don't really sleep. But I use the time to make myself more aware of the world around me, expanding my consciousness to all the animals and insects and plants. Haven't you noticed that we haven't been bothered by flies or mosquitoes, or wolves?"

"Now that you mention it, I have. But I just thought there just weren't any around."

"Oh, they're around all right, just not around us."

"Well, thanks, I appreciate it. And I'm sure Argo amd Milkspot do too."

"Your welcome. But you really don't have to say thanks, I know how you feel."

"Been reading my mind, have you?"

"No, Xena. That's something I'd never do. I definitely believe everyone deserves the privacy of their own thoughts. That would be like me following you into the bushes while you -- take care of business."

"You certainly wouldn't want to do THAT."

"I'm sure I wouldn't. But as I was saying, reading someone's thoughts is one thing, but emotions, they're something else!"

"What do you mean?"

"When it comes to emotions, you might as well be standing up and yelling to the world how you feel. They are just so strong there is no way I could ever block them out, unless I really, really tried. But it's not just you, it's everybody."

"So you know what I'm feeling all the time?"

"All the time. But getting back to reading your mind. When I sense how angry you get sometimes, I think I'd just as soon not know what you're thinking."

"You're right, it's pretty bad stuff sometimes."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

As Gabrielle and Milkspot were riding along the narrow trail of the forest they were traveling through, Gabrielle noticed that Xena wasn't with her. "Did she say she was going on ahead? Or is she going to catch up later?" She thought to herself. "I wish I could remember."

As Gabrielle rode on, once in a while she'd call ahead, then behind, but there was no answer from Xena. After perhaps half a day's riding, the trail widened into a clearing. Across from the clearing was the opening of a cave. "I wonder if Xena went inside." Gabrielle thought. "She must have let Argo run loose while she's browsing."

Dismounting from Milkspot, Gabrielle walked to the entrance of the cave. As she stepped inside, she saw that there was enough light coming in for her to see a good ways down the passageway. Slowly she made her way deeper into the cave. Eventually she came to a large room with passages leading off in several directions. As she crossed the room, she thought she heard a noise behind her. "Xena! Is that you!" she asked, a little too loud. Then there was another noise to the right of her. "Xena?" Then a noise to the left. Then behind her again. As she spun around, the noises seemed to be coming from behind her. Then they became louder, as if they were coming closer.

The more she spun, trying to see who, or what was making the indescribable noises, the more disoriented and frightened she became. In desperation, she hurled a fire ball down one passageway. Then hearing something in another one, she threw one in it. Then as she turned, and turned again, trying to catch whatever was making the noises, she released more and more fireballs, one after another.

As they traveled across the great room and down the tunnels, the fireballs lit up the area, allowing Gabrielle to see the details of the contents of the room. And as frightened as she was, when she recognized what was there, pure terror gripped her. She began screaming, and fell to the floor, paralyzed with fear.

From somewhere, she heard Xena's voice, calling to her.

"Gabrielle! Wake up! Come on! You've got to wake up!" Xena was shaking her by the shoulders, yelling into her face. As Gabrielle realized she was with Xena, the terror seemed to lessen. But it was then that she understood what Xena was yelling about. She suddenly saw that flames were devouring the woods all around them; they were surrounded and trapped.

"Water!" Xena was saying. "You've got to get some water to put out the fire!"

Gabrielle pulled away from Xena, stood up, put her arms out to the sides and turned in circles. As she did a blue mist streamed out from her hands, turning into a torrential outward rain that expanded wider and higher until the entire area of the conflagration had been saturated.

As the rain turned back into a mist and then into nothingness, Gabrielle collapsed into Xena's arms. Slowly Xena lower her to the ground, holding her close.

Looking up at Xena, with panic in her eyes she squealed. "Oh, Xena. I was there again! I was THERE!"

"Where, Gabrielle? Where were you?"

"At the altar, The Altar of Dahok!"

"Gabrielle, that was all destroyed long ago. It's all gone."

"No, it's still there," she answered. "And so was I!"

Xena held Gabrielle tighter, rocking her, and making comforting and calming noises. Eventually, Gabrielle's breathing became regular as the terror slowly left her face; she was asleep.

Xena continued to hold her until long after the sun had come up, not wanting to wake her. But when she stared moving, stretching her legs and arching her back, Xena relaxed her grip. As she caressed the side of Gabrielle's face, her eyes opened wide, then seeing Xena, she closed them momentarily, then opened them again.

As she sat up, Gabrielle said, "Oh, Xena, last night, the most horrible . . . ."

Gabrielle's mouth slowly dropped open as she became aware of the carnage and charred destruction her nightmare fireballs had caused. She turned completely around, looking at the burned remains of the majestic trees that had been there the day before.

"By - the - gods." Gabrielle slowly said as she began to understand what she had destroyed. "Xena, what have I done? What HAVE I done?"

"It wasn't your fault. You were having a nightmare. It could have happened to any -- one."

"Xena, I could have killed you, or Argo or Milkspot. The horses! They aren't. . . ?"

"No. They're fine. They broke loose right after you started throwing the fire. They came back a little while ago. Right now they're probably out looking for some green grass."

"I've got to fix all this. I can't let it stay like this." Closing her eyes, Gabrielle extended her arms out to the side. As she slowly turned in a circle, a grass-green circular curtain expanded outward, much like the fire-drenching water had done. And as it passed the still smoldering trees, they were restored to their full growth and color.

After she had finished, Gabrielle sat down, her head in her hands, still not quite recovered from her nightmare. Xena sat down beside her. "Anything I can do?"

"No. But thanks for asking. If I think of anything, I'll let you know."

Xena was quiet for a few seconds, then said, "I'll tell you what, you remember that lake we swam in a couple of days ago? Why don't you pop us on over there. I think we could use a relaxing swim."

"You're actually suggesting I transport us instead of walking?"

"Sure. Why not?"

Gabrielle started to decline, but seeing that Xena really wanted to do something to help, she agreed and took Xena's hand. A blink of an eye later they were on the sandy beach of a small blue-green, spring-fed lake. As she raced toward the water, throwing her clothes off, Xena yelled back at Gabrielle, "Last one in has to marry Ares!"

Gabrielle laughed, but instead of running to the water, she waited until Xena was two steps from the edge of the water, then leaving her clothes to fall in a neat pile, she sent herself to the middle of the lake and dropped in.

"Hey!" Xena yelled out. "No fair using godly powers!"

As Xena swam out to Gabrielle, she started a water fight, splashing Gabrielle mercilessly. But unknown to Xena, Gabrielle caused a large wave to come up behind Xena and hover over her. But before it got too large Xena glimpsed it out of the corner of her eye and said, "Remember - no powers."

"Okay." Gabrielle said, releasing the wave, letting the water drop over Xena.

After playing and swimming a while longer, they both headed to the beach. Gabrielle let herself fall on her back, closed her eyes and enjoyed the warmth of the sun on her skin.

"Turn over." Xena commanded. "Let me give the old back a little rub down." Gabrielle did as she was told. Xena started massaging her shoulders. "You know," she said to Gabrielle, "If I had some oil, this could be a bit more relaxing." Gabrielle reached back to Xena with a small bottle of oil. Xena uncorked it and smelled it as she poured some in her hand.

"Sandalwood, huh? I'd forgotten about that. But it seems like I've forgotten a lot about our trip to India."

Xena proceeded to rub the oil into Gabrielle's skin as she gradually worked her way down from her shoulders to her back and sides, then to her waist, her buttocks, thighs, calves, and feet. By the time she finished both feet, Gabrielle was asleep, but Xena worked her way back up anyway, enjoying it as much as Gabrielle.

When she got back to her shoulders, Xena stopped, and studied her cherished friend. "I may not have the powers of the gods," she whispered, "But I'll fight with my dying breath to protect you."

And from somewhere inside, Xena could feel the sleeping Gabrielle return the feeling. Xena lay down next to Gabrielle and put her arm over her shoulders. Slowly Xena let her eyes close, feeling the sun on her back, and Gabrielle's hip and leg touching hers.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Xena, I cannot believe you got sunburned so bad." Gabrielle said looking at Xena's back, butt and legs. "I would have thought that you, of all people, would know better than to lay out in the sun half the day like that."

"What can I say? I fell asleep. It happens to the best of us. Besides, if you weren't there asleep, I wouldn't have been either."

"Oh. So now it's MY fault, is it?" Gabrielle said with a twinkle in her eye.

"Well," Xena answered with false innocence. "It's not MINE!"

"And now I guess you want me to take away the pain?"

"You're the Healer, aren't you?"

"That's my job. Stand still."

Gabrielle gently placed her hands on Xena's shoulders and a faint violet glow appeared. Slowly she ran her hands over and down the back of Xena's body and legs erasing the sunburn, and in its place appeared the golden brown tan Xena had on her face, arms and upper shoulders.

"That feels much better. Thanks." Xena said. But as she looked down at herself, she saw that she was completely tanned. "Hey, what's the idea of the all-over tan?"

"That's just in case you decide to do any more sun bathing. And besides, I think the tan brings out the blue in your eyes."

"Oh, so now I'm supposed to walk around naked just so my eyes will be brought out? I don't think so."

"You'll get used to it." Gabrielle answered, and on an impulse, kissed Xena between the shoulder blades. Then she slapped her on the butt. "Get dressed! Have you no shame?"

Xena chuckled a little as she began to dress.

As she did, Gabrielle laid out supper - Ham, oysters, grapes, bread, cheese and ale. As they ate, Xena noticed that Gabrielle was getting deeper and deeper in thought.

"Anything you'd like to talk about?" Xena asked her.

"I was just thinking about that nightmare. I was in a cave, and I KNOW the Altar of Dahok was there. I saw it." Xena just let her talk. "It had blood all over it, just like before. And there were all these things, just out of sight, making really odd, scary noises. That's what I was throwing the fireballs at. What I can't figure out is what it means. Is Dahok trying to kill me? Or is it a warning to stay away, assuming he knows I have these powers?"

"There may be a third possibility, you know. He could want you to join him."

"You're right. Or there may be something else we haven't thought of."

"I wonder if Ares knows anything about it?" Xena speculated. "Should we ask him?"

"I suppose it wouldn't hurt, providing he tells us the truth."

"How would we know?"

"I would know. I don't think he's aware that I can read thoughts and emotions. You can talk to him, and I'll sit back and sense if he is lying or not."

As soon as they finished eating, Xena yelled out for Ares. He appeared on the second call.

"Xena! Hello Gabrielle. Something I can do for you?"

"Nothing for me." Gabrielle said as she walked away from them to sit by the fire.

"What's with the wannabe goddess?" He asked Xena.

Xena just shrugged her shoulders. "Who knows." She answered.

"So did you call me here for anything in particular?"

"Yes I did. Here lately, I've been having this feeling that something bad is about to happen, but I can't quite figure out what it is. Sound familiar to you?"

"No, can't say that it does."

"You're sure about that? This is a REALLY strong feeling."

"What about Gabrielle? Does she feel anything?"

"Her? All she feels is people needing help. Tell you the truth," Xena said, leaning in toward Ares and lowering her voice "She's starting to be a real drag, if you know what I mean."

Ares glanced over to Gabrielle, who was sitting with her eyes closed, and biting the inside of her lip to keep from laughing. Ares looked closer at her then said, "What's she doing, meditating?"

"Yeah, she does THAT a lot, too. Something to do with flies and mosquitoes."

Ares shook his head sadly, "What a waste of potential."

"Well," Xena continued in a normal voice. "If you don't think there is anything going on, you're probably right, but maybe I'll check with Aphrodite, she might know something."

"Don't bother. I love my sister, but I think we both know she's not the brightest star in the heavens. To her, a tragedy is when one of her love spells goes wrong."

"Even so, I think I'll ask anyway. Just to make sure."

Taking Xena's arm, and leading her farther away from Gabrielle, Ares lower his voice and said, "Okay, you're right, there is something. But I don't know what it is. There is an ominous presence, and it's getting stronger."

"And you have no idea at all what it is?"

"I have a theory, but if it's what I think it is, I'd just as soon not know."

"Isn't that kind of like burying your head in the sand? That doesn't sound like the fearless God of War I know."

"Xena, I'm telling you, let it go. If it's what I think it is -- Let It Go, Xena, just leave it alone." And without another word, Ares flashed out.

"Well?" Xena asked Gabrielle.

"He told the truth, mostly. But he's still holding back. He knows more than he's saying."

"Do you think he may already be involved with Dahok?"

"I don't know, Xena. I was afraid to probe too much. I didn't want him to know I was there. But I wouldn't trust him, not after he tried to sell out the other gods."

"But he did give up his godhood to save you and Eve."

"Yes, there's that. But you know as well as I do, Dahok can be very persuasive when he wants to be. Or very threatening, whatever it takes."

Neither talked much as the campfire died down. As they laid out their bedrolls, Gabrielle suggested she sleep next to Xena, ". . . Just in case you need to restrain me. I don't want to burn everything down again."

"And I thought it was because that after the fabulous back rub you got this morning, you just couldn't stay away." Xena said, smiling.

"Of course it is. What was I thinking?" Gabrielle answered as she lay down next to Xena. She eventually dozed off to a peaceful, nightmare-free sleep.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The next two days were quiet. Gabrielle had no more dreams, even though the feeling of the approaching catastrophe was becoming stronger. They decided to relocate their camp to the lake where Xena had gotten her sunburn. It was a better location, and since they had no idea of where to go, it would do for now.

"We have to find that cave." Gabrielle had concluded. "That's where we'll find Dahok."

"You're sure it's Dahok?"

"I'm sure. The stronger this - I hate to keep saying 'this feeling,' but that's what it is. Anyway, the stronger it gets the more it FEELS like Dahok."

"But wasn't the cave just part of your dream? How do you know it really exists?"

"I just know. It has to exist. Dahok has to emerge from somewhere, and that's the perfect place. It's secluded and it's dead, unliving rock."

"But you can't locate it?"

"No. I've tried, time and again. But his presence has spread out everywhere. If it was just at the cave I could find it with no problem."

Gabrielle was silent for a while, mulling over the limited options. A couple of times Xena started to interrupt her concentration, but thought better of it; she had no new ideas to contribute.