Conker's Other Bad Fur Day Part 2

©2001 This story was written by Katie (oh sure! Like I'll give you my last name!). It is totally 100% fictional, which is why it's a fanfic! If you wanna use it on your webpage, then you must e-mail me at katiec@nb.sympatico.ca. If I find my fanfic on your page without my permission, then I will personally kill you. Have a nice day :P!

LEGAL CONKER DISCLAIMER: © Random years, who knows... uhm, we'll say 2001, since this has nothing to do with Conker's Pocket Tails. Right. © 2001 Rare and Nintendo. All rights reserved.

LEGAL DONKEY KONG DISCLAIMER: © uh... well, I don't really have the proper copyright info for this one. Euh... anyway... it's copyright... 2000+, we'll say, by Rare and Nintendo. As always, all rights reserved.

NOTE: This story is NOT for kids! And plus, if you haven't beaten Conker's BFD before, there are plenty of evil spoilers around here that'll give away parts of the game, namely the ending. You've been warned!

Conker followed Diddy back through the cave he had been through earlier in order to get to Donkey's house. It was quite dark, that cave. There were a few torches lighting it up slightly, and it smelled faintly like... bananas. In fact, everything there smelled like bananas. Oh, right, getting to the point. Well, they rushed out of the cave, and were back outside. Diddy shook his head as he pointed to an island shaped distinctly like a fat crocodile over the horizon.
"That's King K. Rool's island," He told Conker. "That stupid crocodile who tried to kill us all... and our precious bananas." Conker could've sworn Diddy was going to have a heart attack for a second there. I mean, heaven forbid they go out into the jungle to pick NEW BANANAS. Conker rolled his eyes.
"I'm, uh, sorry to hear that," he lied. Diddy shook his head, then grinned.
"Bah, it's okay. Anyway, I'll show you where to get some money!" He ran down a path to his right, and Conker followed him.

"Nanaz, the one with bite!" Funky called out from a barrel stand, selling a new kind of beer completely made of bananas. Diddy ran over, but was a bit short for the counter, so Funky didn't notice him right away.
"Whaddya mean Nanaz has bite?" Diddy asked inquisitively. Funky searched around.
"Diddy?" He called out.
"Whaddya mean Nanaz has bite?" Diddy repeated, as Conker strolled over, a look of pure confusion on his face.
"That you, man?" Funky looked again. He still couldn't find Diddy.
"Whaddya mean Nanaz has bite?" Diddy said yet again. Funky looked straight down, and lo and behold, there stood Diddy
"Hey, Diddy dude! Look, I'm not supposed to give this out to minors, but here..." he handed Diddy a bottle of Nanaz. "Drink this." Diddy took it, opened the bottle, and guzzled it all down in a hurry. He dropped the bottle, breaking it into millions of tiny pieces, and staggered a bit.
"WhhhHHHooOOoOoAAAaaA..." he slurred, staggering and almost falling over. "ThAt DoEs HaVe SoMe BiTe RiGhT tHeRe!" He slurred. "I'MMmMmm... GoNnA gO hOmE nOw. ByE bYe." He staggered toward the direction which he came.
"You tell 'em, Diddy! You tell the WORLD!" Funky called out. Conker yelled after Diddy.
"Hey! Hey, you're supposed to help me find money! HEY!" He screamed. Diddy just kept on stumblin' on, drunk as a skunk, or worse. Conker sighed, then looked up at Funky. "Hey, could I have a sample?" He asked.
"Sure," Funky replied with a nod, grabbing another bottle and handing it to Conker. "Here y'are, dude. So what's this you say about needin' some money?" Funky sipped from his own bottle of Nanaz, as he leaned on the counter to listen to Conker, who took a nice swig of the stuff before opening his mouth to speak.
"That old monkey back there, he made me a potion and charged me three banana coins. Problem is, I've got a million bucks, and it's not with banana coins." He muttered. He took another sip of the beer, which was actually pretty gross, but hey, it was beer. Funky nodded.
"I hear ya. Cranky, augh, that stupid old fart. I'd like to pop him one, that's for sure." He shook his head and sipped on his Nanaz. Boy, that sounded wrong. "So you need some money, eh?" Conker nodded. "Tell ya what. You watch my stand for awhile, I'll get you some dough. How's that sound?" Funky offered, flailing his beer bottle around, causing some beer to spill near Conker. Conker nodded.
"If it'll get me home, and get that old guy off my back, I'll do anything." He replied. Funky grinned.
"Okay, then! I've gotta go to my artilery shop, coz my customers'll be waiting. Can't be too careful nowadays. Seeyeh!" Funky hopped out from the stand and ran off in another direction, spilling beer every step of the way. Conker shrugged.
"Eh, well. How hard can selling beer be, anyway?" Conker shrugged and walked over behind the stand. "After all, it's beer! Everyone likes beer!" Conker leaned on the counter, and waited.

Hours upon hours past, and not a living soul passed the area. Not one bloody person! Except a bug, but Conker stepped on it before he could offer it beer. He waited until he saw a thin, lanky monkey run over... on his hands. He was dressed in the most hideous clown attire Conker had ever seen. He's a MONKEY, for crying out loud. A monkey in CLOWN attire, people. Think about it. Thought about it? Pretty scary, eh? Erm, yeah. The monkey swung his arms around as he read the sign advertising Nanaz, but he accidently slapped Conker in the face! Well, since his arms were so long, the monkey ended up knocking Conker unconscious, and tossing the poor squirrel into the water, face first. He was drowning! The monkey looked around to make sure no one was watching.
"Hehehe... oops!" He laughed sheepishly, running off in another direction, hoping no one had seen that. He loped off, minding his own business.

Conker found himself in a room... not just any room, though. He found himself in a deep, dark, cold dungeon, with grey cobblestone flooring, and skull torches lighting the area dimly. Conker gulped. He recognized this place.
"Oh, bloody hell, it's you again, isn't it!?" Moaned a familiar, high-pitched and strongly accented voice. Conker slapped a hand to his forehead. Could this day get any worse!? "You stupid prick, went and killed yourself again, eh? Without any squirrel tails? Dumb bitch." Gregg the Grim Reaper laughed. Conker raised an eyebrow.
"How exactly am I supposed to find squirrel tails on an island full of monkeys?" He asked, folding his arms across his chest. Gregg shook his head.
"Smart ass. Pff. Well, euh, you see..." Gregg paused, and gestured his hand slightly. "You can find them now, then." He huffed. Just then, the cutest kitten anyone ever could see walked in from the shadows. It meowed and looked up curiously at Gregg with its big eyes. "Piss off," Gregg hissed at it, trying to shoo it away with his scythe. The kitten meowed again. "I said... piss off!" Gregg repeated, his anger growing by the second. I'm telling you, if he had skin, I'm sure it would've been bright red with anger right then. The kitten purred and rubbed against Gregg's leg. That pissed Gregg off to the height of pisstivity. "FUCK OFF, YOU STUPID PISSING BLOODY CRAPASS CAT! PISSSSSS OFFFFFF!" He took his scythe and swung it at the kitten, picking it up and sending it flying through the room and back into the shadows. "Stupid bloody cats and their bloody catlike ways." He turned back to Conker. "Right, where were we? Oh yeah. Squirrel tails. Well, you should be able to find some now. And, eh, how did you do with those... stupid, BLOODY STUPID zombies?" He hissed, a great deal of loathing brimming from his voice. Conker laughed.
"They were easy. No sweat." He replied. Gregg shook his head.
"Stupid bloody undead. You know what I saw the other day? AN UNDEAD CAT." He snapped his scythe in two and threw the pieces on the floor. "I mean, God damn! If it's not cats and it's not the undead, it just has to be a bloody undead c-... Oh, shit, I broke my bloody scythe again." He picked up his broken scythe and examined the pieces, shaking his head. "Well, damn. I wasn't quite expecting that." Conker spoke up.
"Uhm, you just took it and sna-" Gregg quickly interrupted him.
"Enough from you, prick! Take your bloody squirrel tail and get the fuck out of here!" He took his broken scythe and walked off, shaking his head. "Stupid bloody squirrels... wish they could just piss off, permanently! Augh." Gregg disappeared into the shadows, and Conker hoped that would be the last time he ever saw him. He saw a squirrel tail hanging on the wall, so he ran over and picked it up. He fainted.

"Conker... Conker! Oh, shit, man! Conker, wake up!" Funky yelled, noticing Conker's very blue face as he shook him. He picked him up and carried him to the beach. "Conker, buddy, wake up!" He decided now would be a good time to start screaming in his ear. Never know, might work. "WAAAAAAKE UPPPP!" He screamed, but to no avail. He sighed. "He's dead... my beer-seller's really dead! Oh, shit!" He sighed once more, and got ready to toss Conker back to sea. "Here's to Conker... I didn't know him that well, but I'm sure he was a great guy." He was just about to give Conker the allmighty throw, when suddenly, the colour (or at least, the normal colour) returned to his furry face, and his eyes fluttered open.
"HEY! Hey, what the hell you think you're doing!?" He screamed. Inevitably, this scared the living shit out of Funky, so he screamed like a little girl and dropped Conker onto the sand, head-first. "Aww, bastard!" Conker grumbled. Fortunetly, his crown saved his noggin from becoming severly injured, however, Conker hated the damn thing, so he removed it in a hurry and tossed that stupid bugger into the sea before you could say "Holy shit, he's throwing a crown into the sea!". He huffed and dusted his hands off. "That's much better." He mumbled. He figured that since he most likely wouldn't get out of that stupid, smelly monkey island, he'd might as well resign as king of his own world. Especially since he hated being the king there ever so much. "Now, uhm, where was I? Ah yes. Some stupid long-armed monkey came over and slapped me in the head. Since his arms we so... uhm, strong?... He ended up throwing me into the water, where I drowned and died." He told Funky, who cocked a suspicious eyebrow.
"You know, Conker, uhm, it says right on the bottle that Nanaz isn't for mental health patients..." Nutter! He thought. Conker shook his head.
"No, no, I'm dead serious!" He protested. "And Gregg was down there, and he gave me an extra squirrel tail, so I'm okay!" He grinned in a nervous fashion. Funky adjusted his sunglasses, about ready to change the subject, which he did.
"Anyway, just... don't do that again, okay?" He shrugged. "So... how much beer did you sell?" He asked, a hopeful tone dancing in his voice. Conker looked down at the sand sheepishly, kicking a nearby crab into a rock.
"Euuuh... I didn't... sell... any..." He trailed off. Funky removed his sunglasses, his eyes glowing bright red in anger. I'm serious! They were glowing like freaking lazers! So THAT'S why Funky never takes off his glasses...
"What... do you mean you didn't sell any?" He hissed through his teeth, his red eyes scaring Conker half to death, a place he didn't quite want to go just then. Conker gulped.
"Errr, that is, ehm, uhhh... see ya!" He sped off in another direction, but Funky followed close behind. Conker continued to run and run, but Funky was chasing him. Conker looked around nervously, then ran behind a tree. Just what I need. He thought. Unfortunetly, at that very moment, Funky rammed his head into the tree Conker was sitting at. "Oh, shit!" Conker cried, leaping up and runnin' his furry little arse outta there. He sped up a winding path that led up, up, and up. He looked back to see Funky still racing as fast as he had been before, and not slowing down one bit. Conker tried to speed himself up, but he couldn't. He was huffing and puffing and running out of energy. He looked ahead, and saw a rock... and a rather big one at that. Hmmm... He thought. This give me an idea...
Conker sped up until he was right in front of the rock. Then, he decided to stop and wait for Funky to catch up. When he saw Funky come over the hill, eyes still glowing red with pure rage, he waved, then pulled a red cloth from out of nowhere and started flapping it in the breeze. "Toro! Toro!" He called out mockingly. This made Funky even angrier, so he sped up to catch the caniving little squirrel. Right when Funky was ready to grab him and beat the everlasting piss out of him (and most likely kill him), Conker stepped out of the way, causing Funky to crash into the rock. There was an explosion, and when the dust cleared, Conker saw the remanents of what appeared to be a robot. He sighed with relief.
"Well, I'm certainly glad THAT'S over." He said thankfully. He glanced over at where the rock had been before, and saw a small opening. "Hmmm, appears to be an opening. I wonder if there's money in there..." He shrugged. "Ah, well! Only one way to find out!" He walked to the hole and entered, not quite sure what he would find inside.

"Bring me more vodka!" King K. Rool boomed, breathing heavily, and sitting his fat crocodile ass on his throne. One of his Kremlin servents bowed before him.
"Yes, my liege, we shall bring you this... vodka that you speak of." He ran off. K. Rool took a long drag from a tab and breathed smoke into the air. He looked on his viewscreen that had hidden cameras scattered throughout the DK Isles, and pressed a button to his left. Up on the screen, he looked and saw Conker walking through the hole in the wall. He jumped up, dropping his tab onto his lap, thus burning his scaly flesh. He leapt into the air and whisked the tab away, blowing gently on his wound. He glanced back at the screen. Am I really stoned, or is that a squirrel on there? He thought. He looked down at his faithful dog-like lizard companion, and asked if he saw a squirrel. "One bark for yes; two for no." He added.
"Ngarng!" The lizard barked. K. Rool raised an inquisitive brow.
"Good; so I'm not completely stoned off my rocker. Ooooh! Pretty butterfly!" He hopped out of his seat and chased an imaginary butterfly around the room. He really was stoned off his rocker. Stupid bitch.

Hours later, when the tab's effects had worn off, K. Rool was seated, sipping his vodka ever so slowly. He spoke up to his Kremlin servent.
"Alfonce, about three hours ago I saw a red squirrel on the DK Isles." He said. "Alfonce" raised a... well, he doesn't have eyebrows. Okay, suppose he DID have eyebrows. He would be raising one of them right now.
"Uhm, so?" He muttered. Three hours ago you were also STONED, shithead. K. Rool glared at him.
"Uh, duh!? A squirrel! A mother fucking squirrel, Alfonce! Do you know how bad my reputation will be if my brother, K. Raphead, finds out I've got a GOD DAMN SQUIRREL on one of my islands!?" He boomed, getting right in Alfonce's face and yelling like a derranged bitch on steroids. Alfonce gulped.
"Er, yes, sir. Sorry, sir." He grumbled. "What do you want me to do about it?" K. Rool grinned evilly, sipping his vodka slowly.
"I want you to exterminate him." He said in a most sinister tone. "Permanently."

End of part 2

Oh, dammit! Halfway through writing this I realized why the HTML didn't work on the last chapter -.-;;; I had to capitalize the damn things. It'll be fixed along with the next chapter; guarenteed. Right, now do I sense a plot here? No? Didn't think so :p but anyway. I'm going to write an epilogue for this... okay not really. An epilogue OF SORTS. It's going to have a couple of paragraphs about what really happens after the story ends, and a few notes, for example, I'll list all the parodies used. I've only got plans for a few parodies, though! I need some bloody help! Just name some movies, commercials, television shows... whatever, and I'll see if I can parody it. You can e-mail your suggestions or put 'em in a review. But I wuold REALLY appreciate it! Anyway, if anyone actually read this shit, please review it. Thanks!