Conker's Other Bad Fur Day Part 2

©2001 This story was written by Katie (oh sure! Like I'll give you my last name!). It is totally 100% fictional, which is why it's a fanfic! If you wanna use it on your webpage, then you must e-mail me at katiec@nb.sympatico.ca. If I find my fanfic on your page without my permission, then I will personally kill you. Have a nice day :P!

LEGAL CONKER DISCLAIMER: © Random years, who knows... uhm, we'll say 2001, since this has nothing to do with Conker's Pocket Tails. Right. © 2001 Rare and Nintendo. All rights reserved.

LEGAL DONKEY KONG DISCLAIMER: © uh... well, I don't really have the proper copyright info for this one. Euh... anyway... it's copyright... 2000+, we'll say, by Rare and Nintendo. As always, all rights reserved.

NOTE: This story is NOT for kids! And plus, if you haven't beaten Conker's BFD before, there are plenty of evil spoilers around here that'll give away parts of the game, namely the ending. You've been warned!

Conker arrived at the other end of the hole and looked around. As luck would have it, a boulder from out of nowhere appeared and blocked up the exit (or entrance, whatever). Conker sighed.
"Well, that's just what I freaking need. Ah, well. Let's take a look around here." He walked down a small hill, where just beyond, he was a group of... monkeys. In white ninja-type uniform. Swordfighting and fencing and... wait, that's the same thing. Conker looked around again, and saw a training dojo and what appeared to be a swordhouse.
"Ah, yep, everything looks normal here. I'll go talk to one of those guys down there, I s'pose." He headed down the hill, into a lush gully with many ferns and other greenery. It was breathtaking. Many targets were set up for archery practice (some monkeys were, in fact, using them at that moment in time), as well as some fenced-in areas for swordfighting that wouldn't cause any harm to spectators. Benches aligned these areas. Inside the fence, the grass was bloodstained, as many deaths had probably taken place there. A severed (and probably fresh) monkey paw lay in the middle of one of the arenas. Conker made a face.
"Well... that's... less than lovely..." He remarked, scanning the area a second time. He spotted an elder monkey, mopping up blood and trashing dead crocodile fragments. Conker called out to him. "Oi, you there!" The elder (or shall we say, janitor) looked up, adjusted his spectacles, and paid attention to the squirrel before him. "Yes, thank you. Uhm, where am I?" The monkey grinned a large, ugly, toothless grin.
"Ah, yes, squirrel-grasshopper! You are in Monkey China Town." He spoke with a thick Chinese accent. "Much swordfighting happens here. The town itself is that way." He pointed north, where a path of lush forest wrapped together to look like a dark tunnel lay. Conker nodded.
"Interesting. Any clue as to where I can find any Banana Coins?" he asked hopefully. The monkey nodded.
"I will reward you one Banana Coin if you can do me a favour." He told Conker. Conker sighed.
Augh, more favours. He thought, recalling the day before. But if that's what he wants... "Sure, sure, a favour, right. What would that favour be, exactly?" The monkey's face grew serious.
"Follow me," He instructed, gesturing his mop to the right. He dropped the mop and the wicker basket full of crocodile entrails, then headed in the area which he had gestured to. They walked by another fenced-in arena, just as one monkey was decapitating another. The dead monkey's head flew up into the air and landed right beside Conker, spraying blood all around him. Conker frowned and dodged the blood, disgusted. He followed the elder inside a small cabin made from bamboo, shaking his head. The elder shut the door. They were in the dark.
"Now, Grasshopper..." He started. Conker quickly protested.
"Uhm, my name is Conker, and I'm a squirrel, not an insect." The monkey shrugged, which of course, was not visable in the darkness of the cabin.
"Bah, whatever. Anyway," He struck a match and lit a nearby candle which rested upon a table. The room lit up. "There is something I want you to see, Conker..." Conker's eyes widened.
"No, I don't want money that bad! I don't swing that way! We've only just met!" He protested. The monkey slapped himself on the forehead.
"Oh, you great stupid shit. I didn't mean show you something in that way. I meant for you to come here." He stalked toward a closet as Conker sighed in relief. "This is something I want you to see." He opened up a closet. Conker looked inside the closet, turning his head sideways every so often.
"A black moth-eaten bathrobe? What the hell do you want to show me that for?" He inquired, tapping his cheek lightly with an index finger. The monkey shook his head again.
"Oh, bloody hell, you don't recognize a good samurai outfit when you see one?" He calmed down. "Anyway... there are these new evil-doers that appeared here in Monkey China Town just today. They're called 'Tediz', or something." Conker's eyes widened, and he shook his head.
"Oh, no..." He grumbled. "More Tediz... wait, where do you think they came from?" Conker knew the Professor was past dead. He was VERY dead. Who else could have created the evil Tediz? The monkey sighed.
"It's that fat King K. Rool bastard." He grumbled. "He made them, sent them here, and now he's ready to kill us all. Stupid wanker." Conker nodded.
"Makes sense, I suppose. But what kind of a name is K. Rool?" He rolled his eyes. "Now let's see... samurai outfit? What f-" Conker noticed the michievious glint in the old monkey's eye. "-oorr... oh, shit."

Conker studied himself in the full-length mirror before him. However, it was difficult to see in the dim light. He blinked a few times.
"Kick ASS!" He interjected in approval. "This is awesome, monkey person, seriously! So now, I've got to go get rid of the..." He paused, shuddering in utter disgust. "...Tediz?" The elder nodded.
"But first, come here." He gestured toward a long, thin chest in the corner of the room, then slowly stalked over to it. Conker followed as the elder liften the lid. "This is the Green Sword of Death. Killed lots of those crocodile bastards in my time with this thing. The most powerful sword in the world." He removed it from the chest, and picked it up by the hilt, standing in a position that resembled a tiger, ready to pounce and strike. With one swift move, he struck a lead pipe. He paused, then left his stance. The pipe split and fell to the floor, broken. Conker's eyes widened as the elder handed him the sword.
"I get rid of Tediz... with this sword?" He muttered in disbelief. The elder grinned his gummy grin, then nodded slowly. Conker shifted his gaze back to the sword. "I think I'm ready to kick some ass. Lead me in the right direction, monkey!"

Conker and the elder walked outside, Conker wielding the sword in a terribly lethal stance. One swipe could easily decapitate two Tediz in one shot, provided there were two Tediz standing within a two and a half foot diameter (yes, the blade was two and a half feet long). The monkey led Conker toward the dark, tree-roofed path.
"Now, Conker," The elder began. "If you kill those Tediz, you'll get a Banana Coin. You must follow that path, then you will arrive at Monkey China Town." He looked Conker in the eye. "Your codename for this operation is... Jade Squirrel." Conker raised his eyebrow.
"But... I'm a red squirrel." He protested. "Shouldn't I be Ruby Squirrel, or Crimson Squirrel or something like that?" The elder glared at Conker, then adjusted his spectacles and shook his head.
"The first name requires only onesyllable." He grumbled. Conker raised an eyebrow and nodded.
"That... makes sense. Right then! Shall I go?" The elder nodded.
"Just be careful. Tediz may be hiding in the trees. But, you look experienced in swordfighting." He complimented. Conker recalled the day before, when he had used a katana to decapitate an alien. He smirked slightly.
"Well, sort of. Guess I'll be off then." He turned and started to walk down the path, death sword still in front of him, ready to strike when needed. "Seeya!" The elder waved as Conker snuck through the wood.
"Good luck, Conker. You're going to need it."

Conker stalked through the lush jungle, his green-bladed sword ready in a lethal stance. He knew that if any Tediz arrived, they would be toast in under ten seconds flat. He grinned at the thought, which, however, was not visable beneath the black samurai silk that was wrapped from his nose down. While Conker was bathing in his own temporary sense of glory, a Tediz leapt out from behind a tree, a knife attached to a gun held in its paws. It grinned a sinister grin as it ran toward Conker, who quickly snapped out of it, and frowned.
"Oh, no ya don't! You're not getting through me that easily." He said to the Tediz, who was rapidly approaching him. "T'huyah!" Conker let out a loud battlecry, and thrust the Death Sword through the Tediz's neck, then tugging hard to his left, thus removing the head of the sinister bear. Stuffing and yellow liquid (could have been blood) sprayed everywhere as the Tediz's body plopped down to the ground, its head bouncing playfully before hitting the jungle floor with a sickening 'thud'. The Tediz was dead. Conker smirked, and looked down at the pathetic corpse. Just for fun, he attacked the knife-gun the Tediz held, slicing it to little pieces. If that Tediz couldn't have it, no Tediz would. He continued on, and came across a small, wooden sign sticking out of the ground.
"Let's see... 'Monkey China Town, 1 mile'. Great, this may take longer than planned." He sighed, then shrugged. "Ah well." Out of nowhere came two Tediz, startling Conker and making him jump backwards. One of the Tediz grinned and brought out a pipe bomb. The other one brought out some handguns, and was about to shoot, when Conker got himself back together and thrust at the Tediz with all his might, decapitating him. He turned to the other one, who was in shock, and removed his head as well. He quickly picked up the pipe bomb and threw it as hard as he could toward the path ahead of him. It barely landed when it went off. Conker sighed with relief and whiped the sweat from his forehead.
"Glad that's over with." He muttered, continuing. He walked past the area where the pipe bomb had exploded, and noticed Tediz bodyparts everywhere. He counted six arms, three heads, two hearts, five lungs, and four legs. There was stuffing and yellow blood everywhere.
"Sweet!" Conker exclaimed victoriously. "That pipe bomb musta got them. Guess those Tediz aren't as smart as they look." Of course then, Conker's luck ran out, as four Tediz ambushed him, two armed with handguns, two armed with knife-guns. Conker quickly thrust his sword, removing the heads of the two Tediz with the handguns. He knew those two would be the current threat, or would have been. He was about to move on to the other Tediz, but one of them ran up to him and stabbed him repeatedly in the stomach. Conker's eyes widened, and he stumbled slightly as blood seeped from the wound, and from his mouth. He fell over, dead.

The Hand of Death plucked Conker's extra squirrel tail, then brought him back to life, dropping him right behind the other two Tediz, who were having a quick smoke break. Conker was completely unscathed, unharmed, unwounded. He was still wearing his samurai suit, and he was still wielding the Green Sword. He smirked. This scene reminded him of the time he had interrupted the conversation of two Tediz doctors. He decided not to dwell on that now, but on the task at hand instead. He couldn't help but eavedrop on the two Tediz in front of him, though...
"Yes, it was faaaabulous," One Tediz said in an incredibly poncey voice. "Simply faaaabulous." He took a quick drag from his cigarette.
"And that's how it sounded. Simply delicious." Said the other, in a similar tone. "Wish I could've been there."
"Oh, but you should have! It was magniiiificent." The first continued. They then heard the quiet pitterpatter of squirrel feet (or sneakers) behind them. "What the fuck!" They turned around. "It's that bloody squirrel. Quick! Into character!" They put away their cigarettes, then brought their knife-guns back out, hissing nonsense words in their own crude language. Conker saw this as his window of oppurtunity, and ran forward. He jerked the sword, but in a dancelike way, and spun around. Off flew the heads of the Tediz, and their bodies hit the ground with a loud thud. They were dead. Conker smirked.
"Teach you to kill me, bastards." He muttered. He then saw a faint bit of red fur from behind a tree. He raised an eyebrow and walked over. Approaching the tree, he realized that there was a squirrel tail hanging from a hook on the tree. He grinned and put the tail into his pocket, hoping, though, that he wouldn't have to use it. He walked back to the path an continued on.

Conker finished the job in the path, killing five more Tediz, each by morbid decapitation. He arrived safely on the other side of the path, with very few scratches and no wounds. We walked out slowly, viewing a large assortment of death, burning, destruction, and yet more death. His eyes widened as he watched Tediz murder monkeys right before his eyes; as houses burnt to cinders on the ground. Conker's eyes narrowed, and he sped toward the Tediz nearest to him. The Tediz quickly noticed him; he wasn't hard to miss, and started to approach him. He was ready to attack Conker with his knife-gun, when Conker leapt into the air. He was practically flying!
"Whoa, cool!" He remarked as he bounded off in another direction. The Tediz leapt up as well, zipping towards Conker at an alarming speed. Conker gulped. He landed, then spun around. He decapitated the Tediz, and it died instantly, making a few short death cries as its neck was severed. Conker grinned.
"Bring it on, Tediz, if you want to feel the wrath of Jade Squirrel!" He announced with an evil grin. Of course, this attracted more Tediz; about ten. Conker smirked, and with a quick swish of his sword, all the Tediz were beheaded. This is too easy, he thought with a grin. Of course, then about one hundred Tediz came out from behind a burning building, and roughly one hundred more came out from another burning building. The camera panned in close to Conker's face, just to get the look of sheer worry plastered on his expression.
"Oh, shiiiit!"

End of part 3

Okay, that wasn't as funny as the rest of 'em, but at least I put in a movie parody this time. If you want to contact me on AIM, by the way, my ID is "VertexBerri", I'm on practically all the time. Anyway, I've got at least two movie parodies planned for the next chapter! It's gonna be great! And lots of dying as well. Hehehe! BTW, sorry I killed off Conker for a second there. But he's alive and well now, so all is good! Any questions or comments? E-mail me! Oh yeah, I may not be updating another chapter until I write the War part of my Suicide Squirrel series. That's coming soon. After that will be the Colors one :D it's going to be fun! Okay, part 4 may be coming sooner, or later. It all depends on whether I wanna write Suicide Squirrel yet or not. Bye for now! PS: You'll notice the HTML actually works this time ^^;;;