Conker's Other Bad Fur Day, Part 4

©2001 This story was written by Katie (oh sure! Like I'll give you my last name!). It is totally 100% fictional, which is why it's a fanfic! If you wanna use it on your webpage, then you must e-mail me at katiec@nb.sympatico.ca. If I find my fanfic on your page without my permission, then I will personally kill you. Have a nice day :P!

LEGAL CONKER DISCLAIMER: © Random years, who knows... uhm, we'll say 2001, since this has nothing to do with Conker's Pocket Tails. Right. © 2001 Rare and Nintendo. All rights reserved.

LEGAL DONKEY KONG DISCLAIMER: © uh... well, I don't really have the proper copyright info for this one. Euh... anyway... it's copyright... 2000+, we'll say, by Rare and Nintendo. As always, all rights reserved.

NOTE: This story is NOT for kids! And plus, if you haven't beaten Conker's BFD before, there are plenty of evil spoilers around here that'll give away parts of the game, namely the ending. You've been warned!

Conker's Other Bad Fur Day, Part 4

The Tediz sped toward Conker at an alarming pace, all of them wielding knife-guns, katanas, handguns, semi-auto rifles, and daggers, among other things. Conker gulped. This is the end! He thought as the Tediz rushed toward him. Even if I get brought back to life by this squirrel tail, I'm toast! I'll die again and face an eternity with Gregg! Ohhh noooo... The Tediz were practically face to face with him now, their weapons ready, when all of a sudden, everything stopped. Conker's eyes opened slowly.
"Hello?... Uhm, hello?" He said, confused. His voice echoed throughout the city. He tapped the Tediz nearest to him on the head a few times, but nothing happened. Conker blinked, then came to that conclusion of realiation...
"For fuck sakes! The game's frozen again!" He muttered, dropping his sword and slapping himself on the forehead. He sighed. "Hello, is there another computer programmer out there?" In green letters, the words "C:> Hi..." appeared in front of Conker. "Oh, hi!" Conker continued. "Hey listen, I won't tell your little pals that there's another lock-up in the game if you do me a favour..." The programmer wrote "C:> Another one!? Oh, bloody hell." in response. Conker frowned. "Okay then, you want to be known as 'the programmer who let two bugs into the game'? Fine by me. I'll just go over here and wait till your boss comes around, then laugh when you get fired." He said, turning around and walking away. "C:> No no, wait! Fine, I'll do your stupid favour, what do you want?" The programmer typed. Conker grinned and came back.
"I knew you'd see things my way. Okay, I want you to bring Berri back." He said. He forgot last time, he wasn't about to forget again. Suddenly, Berri appeared beside him. She was still lying down, but slowly her eyes opened, and she sat up. Conker's eyes widened, and he ran over and knelt down beside her, practically in tears. He gave her a hug.
"Conker? Is, like, that you?" She said in confusion, returning the hug. Conker nodded.
"Berri... I'm so glad to see you..." He whispered. He broke the hug, then looked her in the eyes. "Berri, I've never told you this before but... Berri, I love you." He said. Berri blinked a couple of times.
"Conker, honey, what are you talking about? I saw you a few seconds ago! Then I, like, got sho-... oh my gawd." She covered her mouth. "Did I, like, die?" Conker nodded.
"Yeah, you did. But you're okay now, Berri. Programmer!" Conker shouted. "C:> What now!?" Conker looked over at Berri. "Get Berri a geisha outfit, and a sword. She's more agile than I am, and I could use her help." He ordered. "C:> Yes, master. What else shall I do for you? Shine your shoes? Kiss your feet?" Conker smirked. "Yes, that'll do nicely. Hurry up!" Suddenly, Berri was fitted in an attractive geisha outfit, complete with an oriental bun. *Author's note: So what if geisha are Japanese and this is set in a Chinese environment? It's my story, kiss my ass.* In a few more moments, a samurai sword similar to Conker's (only nowhere near as sharp, and not... green) appeared in Berri's hands. Conker grinned at Berri (although this wasn't visable from beneath the silk pulled over his mouth).
"Whoa, you look great Berri! Okay, first we've gotta get into position. Berri-" He pointed to the group of one hundred Tediz on his left. "-you get those guys. Position yourself. I'll get the guys on the right." The two positioned themselves right by a small group of Tediz, and got their swords ready under their necks. "On three." Conker said, looking into the camera where the programmer would be, provided Conker could look through the camera. "Three..." Conker started, glaring the Tediz before him in the eye. "Two..." He gripped onto his sword a bit harder. "One..." He paused. "ACTION!" The Tediz unfroze, and looked around, clearly confused. Conker and Berri immediately began slicing through the Tediz, getting rid of several at a time with the quick swipes of their swords. Tediz heads were flying all over the place. Fortunetly for the two squirrels, the Tediz were too confused to attack, and when they did, they ended up attacking one another because they were so close together.

After awhile, the Tediz decreased in numbers, until finally they were all dead. Conker looked around, but heard a faint singsong voice in the background...
"Mop mop mop, all day long, mop mop mop while I sing this song. Gonna wash this floor, gonna make it shine, gonna scrub off the spraypaint with terpentine...." It was another Tediz. Conker looked around for the source of the voice, then saw a Chinese café with the door wide open. Conker motioned for Berri to follow, and the two crept quietly toward the café, stepping lighly over still-burning fragments of houses and dead monkey entrails. The two walked silently into the café and saw... a Tediz janitor mopping the floor and listening to some music on his headphones. Conker glanced over at Berri.
"I'll take this one." He whispered. Berri nodded. Conker walked slowly to the Tediz, then removed his headphones. The Tediz spun around, and Conker burst into song...
"...Everybody was Kung-Fu fighting!" He sang. Berri joined in, then the skeptical Tediz began to sing as well. He grinned and did a whole song and dance routine. Conker saw this as his window of oppurtunity, so as the Tediz finished up his song and dance by sliding down on the floor on his knees, Conker quickly removed the Tediz's head. He smirked.
"That was kinda fun. Let's see... what was he listening to?" Conker picked up the headphones and put them over his ears. A loud song with screaming squirrels and lots of heavy metal guitar blared in his ears. "Eugh, the Nutsacks!? They suck!" He removed the headphones and threw them on the floor, then slashed then repeatedly. He dusted himself off.
"Conker, what exactly is going on here?" Berri asked, putting a hand on her hip. Conker spun around.
"Berri, it's a really long story, and we don't have much time. I'll tell you later, okay?" He said. Berri shrugged and nodded. The two walked out of the café, when suddenly a loud beep came from inside Conker's suit.
"What the hell was that?" Conker wondered, searching around in his pockets. He came across a walkie-talkie, and wondered how he hadn't noticed it before. He pressed a button, then the elder's voice came through.
"Conker! Something terrible has happened! Quick... we have to escape! I'll meet you in the town in a few minutes! Over!" The elder terminated the message. Conker raised an eyebrow (or he would if he had eyebrows).
"Well now. That explains a lot now, doesn't it?" He muttered, sitting down. Berri sat beside him.
"Conker, I, like, really don't get this. Like, where are we? And why did a monkey just, like, call you? And why are we, like, killing all these Tediz and stuff?" She asked. Conker sighed.
"As I told you, it's a really long story." He said. "But it was just last night, Berri. You just... died. There in my arms. And I was surrounded by idiots. Not to mention I had to kill an alien. It wasn't fun..." Berri put a hand on Conker's shoulder.
"But I'm, like, here now, Conker. Isn't that, like, all that matters now?" She said. Conker looked at her, then laughed a bit.
"I guess you're right, Berri. Tell me, though. When you died, did you visit a short grim reaper with a high voice with a severe hate for cats and squirrels?" He inquired. Berri raised an eyebrow.
"Tch, you, like, must've been lonely." She said skeptically. Then her face turned serious. "No, Conker. I didn't visit any grim reaper." Conker frowned and snapped his fingers angrily.
"Bugger! Of course, I have to be the only squirrel who cuts the bad break..." He muttered. Berri raised her eyebrow again.
"Nothing, nothing, Berri, nevermind!" Conker said quickly. Berri looked up.
"It's funny, Conker." She started. "Everyone used to laugh at us when we, like, started going out, but now we're like, really close and stuff." She said. She laughed a bit. "It's funny... me dying was a big step in our relationship, wasn't it?" Conker nodded.
"It's weird, but yeah. I really think it has. Now I know I'm going to make sure you don't die again." He took the squirrel tail out of his pocket. "I want you to have this, Berri." Berri looked disgusted.
"Like, why are you giving me a squirrel tail? Geez, it's like, grimy..." She said with a raised eyebrow. Conker sighed.
"If you use this, Berri, you won't die." Berri blinked, then took the tail and pocketed it.
"Well, like, since you put it that way..." She said. She smiled, then kissed him. "Like, thanks, Conker."
"RUN FOR YOUR FUCKING LIVES!" Came a voice with a thick Chinese accent. It was the elder. Conker and Berri stood abruptly, and saw the elder (as well as a group of other monkeys) running as fast as they could from the entrance to the town. The two squirrels could feel the ground shake, then they looked over to where the monkeys had come from, and they saw the ground... moving. Conker and Berri's eyes widened, and they ran as fast as they could to catch up to the monkeys.
"What the hell is going on here!?" Conker shouted over the loud monkey screams. The elder started to shout back without even glancing at Conker.
"It's the Tremble Worms! They can sense when anyone is moving on ground and will pull you under and kill you!" He panted as they sped down an alley. Suddenly, the loud cry of a bird echoed through the area. Conker looked up, and a large group of birds with very sharp beaks loomed above. Conker raised an eyebrow.
"I take it they're not good, either." He muttered. The elder shook his head as the group leapt over a long, artificial lake, exiting the town and entering flat prairie.
"You're right there. Those are the birds who'll peck our eyes out, if we're not careful." He grumbled. One young monkey spoke up.
"Are the birds going to eat us, Mommy?" He asked. His mother shook her head, and kept on running. The elder quickly leapt onto a rock, and got everyone to stop.
"We're going to cross the prairie over these rocks, then get to the nuke factory. We have to go in pairs. Each of you, grab a partner." The monkey went to grab Conker's hand, but Conker smacked the elder's hand.
"Be someone else's buddy! BERRI! BEEEERRI!" He shouted. Berri ran over.
"Chyeah?" She said, flipping her hair back. Conker grinned, then grabbed her hand. He pushed the elder with his free hand, and he started running. Conker and Berri followed him, jumping over gaps every so often. After quite a bit of jumping, a loud scream was heard.
"The Tremble Worms!" A monkey cried, scrambling to get back on the rock he had just fallen from. "They're going to get me!" His wife hurried to get him back up.
"Leave him!" Another male monkey shouted, grabbing the woman and pulling her along. She struggled to break free of the guy's paws, but to no avail. She wept.
"I love you always!" She cried after her husband, before he was dragged inderground by the Tremble Worms, screaming the whole way. When the worms left, there was nothing but a skeleton left. His wife cried, but they kept on going.

After several people had had their eyes pecked out, and even more had fallen off the rocks, there were very few left. They arrived at the bomb barracks, with not a moment to lose. They leapt from rock to window, but some didn't quite make the jump. Several fell screaming down to the waiting worms below, and were eaten. Others got picked up by the low-flying buzzards. Finally, there were only five left altogether; Conker, Berri, the elder, one female monkey and one male. The male and female monkeys hugged eachother tightly and jabbered in repeated Chinese, while the elder looked for some bombs. He found an old crate with Chinese lettering on it. The lettering read "BOMBS", so he figured that must be it. He picked it up, and tossed it onto the ground.
"Anybody got a lighter?" He asked. The male monkey was attempting to light a cigarette to calm him down, but he sighed and tossed the lighter to the elder. The elder fiddled with the lighter for a moment, then lit it. He torched the fuse of a bomb, and passed it to Berri, who passed it to Conker, who tossed it out the window. The bomb hit the ground, and exploded upon impact. Conker looked out the window to see the ground where the bomb had hit slightly lower than the rest of the ground. This was because the worms were elevating the ground around them. Conker noticed that there weren't really many worms, but then came to another realization...
"How are we gonna take out the birds?" He asked. The elder grinned, then handed Conker an old crossbow. Conker smirked. He knew what to do with this.
It was decided that Conker would shoot the birds, Berri would throw the bombs, the elder would sit there calmly, and the two other monkeys would... well, you know (hey, they were scared! I bet you'd do the same if you thought it was your last day to live, wouldn't you?). The bomb-throwing and the bird-killing went for a very short time, and soon, all the birds and the worms were dead. Conker and Berri dusted off their hands.
"That was really easy!" Conker remarked with a slight laugh. Berri nodded, dropping the crate of bombs. Conker tossed the crossbow out the window.
"Guess I won't be needing this anymore." He said. He walked over to the elder. "So, what about my payment?" He asked. The elder sighed, then took a banana coin from his pocket.
"Here's your stupid coin." He muttered. "Now leave me-" The elder was interrupted by a loud roar. "...alone?" The two squirrels and the monkey ran to the window to see what was happening. It was just their luck; there was a firebreathing dragon standing right outside. And of course, Conker had thrown the crossbow out the window. The elder snatched Conker's banana coin back.
"This is mine until you slay the dragon." He said. Conker sighed.
"Fine," He mumbled, rolling his eyes. "Where are the weapons?"

End of part 4

These are getting less and less funny, but ah well. Anyway, I thought it was kinda good... kinda. Well, I said I'd post up this chapter after chapter 1 of Suicide Squirrel, and I did! If you like this story, PLEASE read Suicide Squirrel. NO ONE has read it yet, or at least no one's reviewed it. PLEASE read it! First person to read and review it gets an imaginary cookie! Sweet deal, eh? Anyway, I won't be putting up part 5 until part 2 of Suicide's done. As always, e-mail me here or contact me via AIM at VertexBerri. Thank yaw!