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He had been sitting there listening to
Tasuki talking for several hours by then. It was late into the night
as the red haired bandit continued his reminiscing and still the crowd
in the bar showed no sign of thinning out. Chichiri didn't exactly
know what to make of any of it. Now that he mentioned it though,
he seemed to recall that Tasuki had tended to disappear a lot during
that time, keeping to himself, which was totally uncharacteristic of the
outgoing seishi.
" Anyways, it was just after we'd found
Amiboshi out. For some reason, Miaka had gotten it into that head
of hers to break up with Tamahome so Nuriko thought that a trip out to
the city for the festival would cheer her up a little, he was always thinking
about other people, that Nuriko. Always pretending to be so cheerful
even though he was really hurting and I guess he was part of my reason
for not wanting to act on my feelings for Hotohori 'cos even though he
spent most of his time bashing me into walls and pounding me into the ground,
I knew that he was one of the best friends that I had ever had and he loved
the Emperor so much!" Tasuki shook his head as he recalled the turmoil
that he had been in back then, " It didn't seem right ta do somethin'
like that. So then Nuriko took Miaka out into the city and Tamahome
came pestering me to come along with him to spy on them but I didn't feel
up to it so I told him to go by himself. I was out in the gardens
then, by one of the ponds and a while after Tamahome had gone, Hotohori-sama
came..."
~**~
" Last chance, fang boy."
" Dammit Tamahome! Get the fuck away
from me!" Tasuki growled, throwing a handful of grass towards the grinning
seishi, " I already told yah to go and spy on Miaka by yourself!
Get it into that thick skull of yours that I. Don't. Want.
To. Go!"
" Aw, come on! You usually love to
go out to the city!" as an afterthought, he added, " And it's festival
time. There'll be sake. Lots of sake!"
" I don't want sake. Go 'way and
leave me alone, dammit!"
Tamahome gaped at Tasuki openmouthed.
" Since when have you started to renounce sake? What's the matter
with you, Tasuki? You haven't been yourself for the past few days."
" Nuthin's the matter with me." He growled.
" Is it because of Chiriko? Amiboshi,
I mean. I know he was really close to you and all that."
Tasuki sighed, knowing that he wouldn't
be left alone until Tamahome had gotten some sort of answer.
" Yeah, Tama. That's it. I'm
all fucked up 'cos of what Chi-Amiboshi did." and he wasn't exactly lying.
That Amiboshi had betrayed them, pretended to be their friend, only to
turn around and try to stab them in the back but he had really been a genuinely
nice guy and hadn't deserved to die like that.
" He was a nice kid. Too bad about
what happened to him."
" Yah, so now, since we've had our little
heart to heart, would you just go away and go after that idiot miko?" the
bandit snapped, slamming himself back down onto the grass with more force
than he had intended. He heard the sound of retreating footsteps.
" Finally!" he muttered as he buried his hand into the cool grass and trained
his eyes onto the night sky which was filled with bright little pin pricks
of light.
After a while, he was able to make out
his constellation, his own little piece of the sky. " Hey there,
Tasuki!" He said, not caring how stupid he must sound, talking to a groups
of stars like that.
" Hey there, Tasuki!" A voice nearby echoed.
" What the fuck!? Dammit Tamahome!
I told yah already that I don't wanna go with yah so get your bloody ass
movin' before I fry yah, dammit!" He didn't get up from his position
on the grass. Twisting his head slightly, he was faced with the familiar
duck shoes, as he referred to them, and a wall of red silk.
" I'll go now, then. I just saw you
and I thought...Well, never mind."
" I just thought you were Tamahome, Hotohori-sama."
Tasuki explained apologetically, his heart racing madly. He hadn't
seen the Emperor since after Taiitskun had given them those presents.
" I'm sorry. I'll go away now, so that you can stay here and-"
" No. Don't." Hotohori cut in hurriedly,
not wanting to let him get away this time. " Were you talking to
yourself?"
" Aw, just being stupid. Talking
to the stars." his face flushed slightly as he admitted this. It
was uncomfortable looking up at Hotohori like this, since he was lying
down on his back, his view of the man was upside down so he reached up
suddenly and grabbed hold of his trailing sleeve. " I think you would
be more comfortable sitting down, Heika."
Deciding that it didn't really matter if
he got grass stains on his robe since he had plenty more in his closet,
Hotohori did as Tasuki had suggested, carefully arranging the folds of
the heavy fabric around him. " Where did Tamahome want you to accompany
him?"
" Aw, the bastard just wanted me ta help
him spy on Miaka." Tasuki explained.
" Spy on Miaka?"
" Yeah. They're having a bit of trouble.
Again." Tasuki chuckled, then added as nonchalantly as he could, " Now's
your chance to make a play for her, yah know, Heika."
Hotohori watched him as he pulled himself
up into a sitting position. " I don't think so. Miaka...She's happy
with Tamahome. I'm sure they'll work it out. They always do."
" So you don't like her anymore?"
" I'll always like Miaka, Tasuki.
It's hard not to. But I'm not as smitten with her as I used to be."
Hotohori shrugged, not knowing when exactly this change had come about,
" We have to move on to other prospects once we see that there's pretty
much no more hope. But I'm happy for her and Tamahome. Truly."
So do I have any hope with you or should
I just move on? Tasuki asked silently as Hotohori removed the crown
from his head and sent his long, dark hair tumbling down his back in glossy
waves. It was a pity that he always wore layer after layer of robes
that succeeded nicely in hiding the great body that Tasuki knew he had.
" Any prospects then, Hotohori-sama?"
Hotohori wrinkled his nose in distaste.
" Quite a lot, actually. My advisors have compiled a list of the
most suitable partners for me and I suppose that sooner or later I will
have to actually look it over and choose one to be my Empress."
" You're gonna choose someone ta marry
outta some list?" Tasuki demanded, horrified at the thought of such an
arrangement.
" I get to see them, of course. They're
in the Inner Palace anyway, like Nuriko was before we found out the...well,
that he was a seishi." Hotohori sighed, " That's the way things are done
here. Emperors don't marry out of love. I suppose that's why
the ones before me tended to keep so many mistresses."
" You can, you know. You've been
holdin' out pretty well so far so I reckon you can put those advisors of
yours off until you find someone you can care for."
" But I don't think I ever will." Hotohori
told him softly, " What I'm looking for...I don't think I'll find it in
any woman in this world..."
" Then go out and try ta find yourself
a man!" Oh Gods! Had he really said that? Tasuki would have
gladly hit himself over the head with his Tessen for that little piece
of idiocy that had spouted from his mouth. Why was it that the things
he was thinking in his head always seemed to come out of him even when
he didn't mean for them to?
To his surprise, Hotohori just smiled.
" I wouldn't be the first Emperor to do so, so yes, why not?"
Tasuki pondered over this reaction, wondering
if this was some subtle sort of invitation for him to try his luck.
Damn the ways of the court! You always had to be so touchy feely
and learn to read carefully into seemingly innocent sentences for some
sort of hidden meaning that was nearly always there. He wasn't used
to the art of subtlety and wished that the people here could be straightforward
for once and just say right off what they meant.
" I'm glad that you seem to have gotten
over your phase of avoiding me as though I were the bearer of some deadly
plague." Hotohori told him, his tone as light as he could manage.
He didn't want Tasuki to know how much he had agonized over the cold treatment
that he had gotten over the past few days, how much he had wanted to be
in his cheerful company again. " What has been happening with you?"
" Me? I've mainly been thinking."
The bandit admitted, willing to elaborate further about his thoughts if
given the slightest sign from the Emperor.
" What about?"
Here was the sign but did he really want
to go along with it? There was an instant of awkward silence as Tasuki
went through the pros and cons of revealing his true feelings for his fellow
seishi. As it dragged on, a sense of mild panic suffused him as he
realized that he was ruining what might turn out to be a romantic moment
with his inability to open his mouth and talk. " I was thinking about
you." he finally blurted out as he forced himself to look into the warm
hazel eyes that were so nearby. That didn't get any reactions, favorable
or otherwise so he decided to press on. " I...I was thinking about
you, Hotohori-sa...About you, Hotohori...And...And how it might feel to
do this..." slowly, so that he wouldn't startle him, Tasuki reached out
rather hesitantly and pushed a lock of long, dark hair back behind one
delicate ear, allowing his finger to trail lightly along a smooth and rather
flushed cheek.
Gods how he wished the guy would at least
say something and not just stare at him wide eyed like some kid that didn't
know what the hell to make of the situation before him! Still, at
least he was making no effort to push him away. " You're beautiful.
You know that?" he asked, his voice husky with emotion.
Hotohori's lips parted slightly and Tasuki
watched with anticipation as he began to speak..." I know..."
For a second, the bandit wanted to throttle
the man for ruining the moment with his incredible vanity, wanted to let
out a few choice words and tell him that he was the most insufferable little
narcissist he had ever met in his entire life but he managed to calm down
after a few deep breaths. All right. That had been a stupid
question. It was pretty obvious from the way he carried on that Hotohori
was perfectly aware of his physical attractiveness. He would have
to make a note never to mention that again. Maybe it would be better
for him to stop speaking. Making up his mind, Tasuki cupped Hotohori's
chin into his hand and pressed his lips firmly against his, muffling out
the slightly frenzied speech that he had been making about his nightly
beauty regime and how important it was to get a good nights sleep.
Gently, he coaxed his lips apart and he found the sweetness of Hotohori's
mouth, vaguely noticing that his breath had a fresh, clean odor.
For the first time Hotohori took note of
the bandit's slim, well muscled body, which wasn't quite as perfect as
his, of course, he couldn't help thinking, even at that moment, but it
definitely came very close. Almost involuntarily, he put his arms
around him and pulled him closer as waves of pleasure flowed over him and
the last of his fears at what was about to happen melted away from him.
Still, his common sense got the better of him and much to Tasuki's surprise
and dismay, he pulled away, slightly breathless. " Tasuki...I...I
don't think this is right...I'm not supposed to-"
He silenced him with a rough kiss.
Turning a deaf ear to Hotohori's half hearted protests, he took the older
seishi by the hand, pulled him to his feet and began to lead him to his
room even as Hotohori pointed out that he had left his crown by the pond.
" Tasuki, really. As much as I might
want to I don't really think this is app-"
" Then don't think, Hotohori. Just
feel..." He murmured as he led him through his open doorway.
" I'm not gonna elaborate on that anymore.
Let's just say that it was a bit awkward, It was
his first time so you couldn't really expect that much. He was scared,
hesitant and didn't really know what to do with himself but despite all
of that, I can honestly say that he was the best that I had ever had.
He got better in time too. It took a week to prepare for that trip
to Hokkan and through that time, we tried to slip off together as much
as we possibly could. I couldn't get enough of him. I loved
him so much!
" I spent the night with him before
we left for Hokkan and the next day, it was so early that the sun hadn't
even come up yet, Hotohori was dressing so that he could get back to his
room and I guess that he musta thought that I was still sleeping cos he
sat down by the edge of the bed, kissed me on the cheek and told me that
he loved me, that the time that he had spent with me meant more to
him than anything in this world that I'd given him what he had been looking
for, a sense of being desirable, of being loved for himself and a feeling
that he hadn't wasted his whole life trying to please other people and
making a horrible job of it. That was when he said it, it's stuck
into my mind after all this time, though I suppose that a year isn't really
that long...That was when he said that when you loved someone, what that
person is has nothing to do with it, 'cos what you know with your mind
doesn't effect the way that you feel. That you just love when you
have to.
" After that, he went on about how much
he wanted to be able to stay with me but how that wasn't possible because
his life wasn't his to live alone. He had to live for everybody in
Kounan, for all his people, had to put them first before himself in everything
he did because that was the life that he had been born to, wealth, beauty,
power but behind it all, he was really nothing more than a servant for
his country. He apologized after that and he left.
" I never took any of that crap seriously.
I guess I just thought that he was being all emotional. I had managed
to delude myself into thinking that something could come out of it, that
it wasn't just a temporary fling and that we had a future. Half baked
ideas about me staying in the Palace to be with him or taking him
off to Mount Reikaku was in my mind, but what did I really expect?
That he'd be there for me to love? Though at that time, I didn't
realize how stupid that thought was, I didn't want him to belong to anyone
but me. That was why I went so crazy after we came back from Hokkan
and found out about that Houki...I was furious. It was insanity.
It was then that I realized that I couldn't ever have Hotohori to
myself and I couldn't bear the idea that someone else could..."
~**~
" What the fuck are you playing at?"
At the sound of Tasuki's outrage, The Emperor
Hotohori calmly counted to ten, composing himself for the confrontation
that he knew was coming. " Tasuki. I was expecting you.
Close the door, please."
Seething at his outward calm, Tasuki stalked
over to the door and slammed the door shut with all his might, thinking
that he would be able to crack the veneer of self confidence if he made
enough noise.
" I take it your not happy with something
I have done."
" How the fuck can you just sit
there?" the red head hissed, " What the hell possessed you to do this?
What the fuck was going through your mind when you decided to marry that
whore? Bloody hell, Hotohori! Was that bucket hat of yours
constricting the flow of blood to your brain, dammit?"
" She's the Empress, Tasuki. I would
prefer it if you would not refer to her in such an insulting manner." Hotohori
told him coolly as he straightened a pile of papers before him on his desk,
" As for why, I am under no obligations to explain my actions to
you."
" The hell you aren't." beside himself
with anger at his lover's betrayal, the bandit grabbed hold of Hotohori's
wrist and shook him roughly.
Hotohori jerked away, hurt and angry at
being handled in such a manner, especially by Tasuki who had always been
so gentle and patient with him. " How dare you touch me in such a
way? You can't do that! I'm the-"
Tasuki laughed bitterly. " So now
you start pulling rank after all the time you came running ta me to complain
'bout how the others never seem to be able ta forget that you're the fucking
Emperor? That's great, Hotohori! That's so fucking great of
you, you hypocrite!"
" That's unfair." Hotohori said softly.
" What's unfair is that with no warning
whatsoever, you just go right ahead and marry the first girl that comes
along!"
" Lady Houki seemed to be the most suitable.
I took the match under very serious consideration."
" Oh, that makes me feel a whole
lot better, Hotohori!" Tasuki clapped his hands together in mock delight.
" I come back from a really long journey where two of my friends died because
of those fucking Seiryuu, who I hope will all burn in hell for all the
fucking stunts that they pulled, only to find that the person I love has
married himself off without the slightest warning! But everything's
okay, since he took the fucking match under very serious consideration.
Fuck consideration! Fuck everything!"
Hotohori's composure cracked slightly at
the mention of Nuriko and Chiriko and at the way that Tasuki had referred
to him as the person that he had loved. " Tasuki, it wasn't a very
easy thing to do, but I had to do it. Don't you see? I couldn't
very well let the country go out to war without ensuring the Imperial lineage,
could I? Just in case."
" So she's pregnant?"
" Yes."
Tasuki ran his hand over his face, wishing
that he hadn't asked that question. It had only given him one more
reason to hate the beautiful new Empress. " How could you do this
to me? I thought I meant something to you."
" You did, Tasuki and you always will but
we both knew that it wouldn't last. That it was a temporary thing."
" I didn't think it was temporary." the
Bandit snapped.
Hotohori picked up a piece of paper off
the top of the pile and pretended to be absently skimming over it so that
he wouldn't have to look into amber eyes filled with hurt and accusation
where before, he had only seen love and happiness. " It was fun while
it lasted, Tasuki. Now let's forget about that little piece of insanity,
on my part." he pretended not to have noticed the flash of pain that had
crossed his fellow seishi's face. " I made a mistake. I should
never have let myself be involved with you in such a way. I was weak
willed and foolish and I wish that I had never allowed myself to act on
my impulsive feelings. I really wish that we could forget about this
all, Tasuki-san."
He wouldn't give Hotohori the satisfaction
of seeing how much his cold dismissal had hurt him. Making a conscious
effort to stand up straighter and to place a smirk on his face, Tasuki
said bitingly. " Consider it forgotten, Kotei Heika." before
sweeping out of the study and making his way back to his room, on the way
managing to vent out his frustrations on Tamahome by hitting him over the
head with his Tessen.
If he had stayed a while longer, he would
have seen the tear that had fallen onto the piece of paper that the Emperor
held.
~**~
" As soon as I was safely locked into my
room, I was bawling like a fucking newborn, Chichiri because I seriously
had thought that the two of us had had something there. That he loved
me but the way that he just told me to forget it all, it didn't seem as
though he had cared at all, as though none of it really mattered to him."
Tasuki tipped the last of the sake into his mouth. By this time,
he couldn't even taste it anymore. "He tried ta apologize after that.
The day before...before his battle with Nakago, he came to me and told
me that he had made a mistake. That he was sorry and that even though
he tried as hard as he could to deny it, he still loved me and always would
and that it was always me on his mind. He told me that even if he
was married, we could work it out somehow. That he could maybe arrange
thing so that we could be together, after all, he'd pretty much fulfilled
his duty what with Houki pregnant. He told me that we could talk
things over after we came back from battle and I agreed to that, but we
both know the ending to this story. We never did have the opportunity
to work it out..."
" No. You didn't." Chichiri murmured,
aghast at the thought that Tasuki had had to keep all this to himself for
all that time.
" But I was there for him when he went,
Chiri. We both were. That was important ta me but fuck it,
Chichiri! Why'd he have ta die like that? Why'd he have ta
go with me angry at him? I never even got the chance ta tell him
that I loved him so much that I didn't even give a flying fuck anymore
whether or not I had ta share him with anybody else as long as he was with
me?" Tasuki slammed his fist against the table in his frustration.
" Now I'll never get the chance ta see him again! Ta tell him all
this stuff that I just told you!"
" You're wrong about thinking that you'll
never see him again, no da."
" Dammit, Chichiri! He's fucking
dead!" Tasuki pointed out with his characteristic bluntness.
" Yes, but that time in the Miko's world,
we saw him again, right?" Chichiri pointed out, " No matter how brief,
he was there and I'm sure that later on, maybe in the next life, all of
us will be together again. Together like we were before. Then
you'll have a chance again. Another chance, and another and another,
no da. Because two souls that belong with one another always find
a way to get back together, no matter what. They'll be able to transcend
death and time, like Tamahome and Miaka because our guardian, Suzaku is
the god of love and he will always find a way. Especially for two
of his chosen."
Tasuki let out a small smile, " Yah know,
Chiri, for a guy who has a speech impediment and no idea about hair styling,
yah sure know how ta make a bandit feel better."
" I have always been gifted in that aspect,
no da." Chichiri agreed, pulling him gently to his feet. " Now what
do you say we go up to our room and pray for Hotohori-sama's happy rebirth?"
Tasuki nodded and since he was unsteady
on his feet, allowed Chichiri to lead him back to their room. Surreptitiously,
he slipped a hand into the pocket of his overcoat, his fingers brushing
against the smooth surface of something that the Maiden had given Hotohori
before their departure to Hokkan. It was slightly crumpled and was
smeared with dirt and a bit of dried blood but he could still see the smiling
face of the Emperor Saihitei, Hotohori in the much handled photograph.
Taking it out into view, Tasuki gently
touched his fingertips to the image of Hotohori's face before bringing
it up to his lips, glad for the time that they had had together.
No matter how brief.
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11:50 AM 05/04/01