in the game...
by Strawberriee
¤ ¤ ¤
... and so we see Ruto reading Playboy and waiting for Link in a waiting room.
Ruto: Link!
Link: Ruto, what the?
Ruto: I heard what happened.
Link: (Showing off his metal arm) Look, I get to have a mechanical arm for three years until I get a new one.
Ruto: I love you.
Link: Fuck you. Ruto: Fuck you too.
They continue fucking at eachother for a matter of moments.
Link: Did you know that I put naked pictures of you on my website?
Ruto: WHY?
Link: But now I get 3,000,000,000,001 hits a day.
Ruto: YOU ARE SO MEAN!
Link: I know..
Ruto: Goodbye.
Meanwhile..
Saria: Stop! Gaggle!
Talon: HAHA!
Ingo: (Trying to pull off Talon from Saria) What the hell is wrong with you, boy?
Saria: How dare you hurt a girl that is infected with PMS!
Talon: EEW!! IS PMS CONTAGIOUS?
Ingo: You disgustingly perverted son-of-a-bitchy freak!
Talon: That's a no, right?
Ingo: I am bored, Talon! Let's do something!
Saria: My head popped off!
Talon: It's still on your neck.
Saria: Thank the lord.
Ingo: WATCH OUT! BEHIND YOU..
Meanwhile..
Ganondorf: I do not give a tinker's damn about your dress.
Zelda: Link will be here any minute now and my dress is ripped!
Ganondorf: YOU'RE IN MY CLUTCHES! IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE RIPPED!
Zelda: God, I have to go through this again?
Ganondorf: Yes! (Plays tune on organ)
Zelda: Puh-lease, that tune is annoying me.
Ganondorf: Annoying. Annoying.
Zelda: Hey! Link is the dumb one, not you!
Ganondorf: Link! Bah! He ain't a dumb one! I am for trying to be a he-she wannabe!
Zelda: Yes you are. .... I gotta tinkle!
Ganondorf: Sorry, the plumber exterminated the ladie's room.
Zelda: WHY?
Ganondorf: Because this castle is for ME and as for ME I am a man.
Zelda: ..... dammit. Ganondorf, I'll do anything to not go through this again..
Ganondorf: Yes, this must be time # 984,874,893,458,965,866,349,658 I have captured you.
Zelda: Now I am going to end up like Princess Peach.
Ganondorf: Never will Link become a plumber! Never will I submerge into a Koopa! Never will you wear pink!
Zelda: SHUT THE HELL UP!
Meanwhile..
As Link was walking to Ganon's castle, hearing that Zelda was captured again, we tripped over a tree and landed on his mechanical arm.
Link: GARGLE! GAG! GRAGGLE! MY ARM!
Chicken Lady: Oh my fuck! What the bitch happened?
Link: I THINK MY MECHANICAL METALLIC MEGA-MORPHING ARM IS BROKEN!
Chicken Lady: Again?
Link: Quick! To the UMC Quick Care!
UMC Quick Care..
Doctor: Yes, you can't move that arm.
Link: What am I supposed to do?
Doctor: You have to stay in bed for three months.
Link: Three months? I can't wait that long! Zelda is captured by Ganondorf again and if I don't save her they'll both be married and Hyrule Hell will be turned into CandyLand!
Doctor: True indeed. But you'll be one-armed if you don't get that cured.
Link: You bastard! You care about me more than Hyrule?
Doctor: I should. You're my patient.
Link: You look familiar. (Pulls of Doctor's face) NABOORU? I knew it all along..
Nabooru: I quit being a Gerudo. I got a job for a marine biologist but I killed a walrus instead.
Audience: Aww..
Link: Shut up audience. Anyway, so you work for UMC.
Nabooru: YES AND I'M HAPPY!! YOOHOO! I MAKE $9,998 AN HOUR!
Link: No wonder you dress so nicely.
Nabooru: But I only get paid every four weeks..
Link: I guess I can't help out Zelda..
Meanwhile..
Zelda hears a ring on her cell phone.
Zelda: Hello?
Link: It's me, Link. I can't save you.
Zelda: Why not?
Link: I broke my arm.
Zelda: But I heard Malon bit it off..
Link: Yeah, she did but I got a metal arm and I broke it..
Zelda: This calls for a new superhero! Bye!
Link: Bye. *Click*
Zelda: *Click* This calls for ...
Ingo: ME..
Talon: AND ME!
Zelda: Yes my new superheros.
Ganondorf: Damn you. Now defeat me.
Ingo: Milk attack!
Talon: Ew, you pansy! You're gay!
Ingo: ... Die! (Plunges an arrow into Ganondorf's ass)
Ganondorf: MY SENSITIVE ASS!
Ingo: I didn't know you're ass was sensitive.
Ganondorf doubles over on the floor and begins to have a seizure..
Talon: Dammit, look what you did.
Zelda: My hero!
Zelda begins to kiss him.. and hug him.. then Talon engaged to her..
