A Conversation Never Seen
in the game...
by Strawberriee

¤ ¤ ¤

... and so we see Ruto reading Playboy and waiting for Link in a waiting room.

Ruto: Link!

Link: Ruto, what the?

Ruto: I heard what happened.

Link: (Showing off his metal arm) Look, I get to have a mechanical arm for three years until I get a new one.

Ruto: I love you.

Link: Fuck you. Ruto: Fuck you too.

They continue fucking at eachother for a matter of moments.

Link: Did you know that I put naked pictures of you on my website?

Ruto: WHY?

Link: But now I get 3,000,000,000,001 hits a day.

Ruto: YOU ARE SO MEAN!

Link: I know..

Ruto: Goodbye.

Meanwhile..

Saria: Stop! Gaggle!

Talon: HAHA!

Ingo: (Trying to pull off Talon from Saria) What the hell is wrong with you, boy?

Saria: How dare you hurt a girl that is infected with PMS!

Talon: EEW!! IS PMS CONTAGIOUS?

Ingo: You disgustingly perverted son-of-a-bitchy freak!

Talon: That's a no, right?

Ingo: I am bored, Talon! Let's do something!

Saria: My head popped off!

Talon: It's still on your neck.

Saria: Thank the lord.

Ingo: WATCH OUT! BEHIND YOU..

Meanwhile..

Ganondorf: I do not give a tinker's damn about your dress.

Zelda: Link will be here any minute now and my dress is ripped!

Ganondorf: YOU'RE IN MY CLUTCHES! IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE RIPPED!

Zelda: God, I have to go through this again?

Ganondorf: Yes! (Plays tune on organ)

Zelda: Puh-lease, that tune is annoying me.

Ganondorf: Annoying. Annoying.

Zelda: Hey! Link is the dumb one, not you!

Ganondorf: Link! Bah! He ain't a dumb one! I am for trying to be a he-she wannabe!

Zelda: Yes you are. .... I gotta tinkle!

Ganondorf: Sorry, the plumber exterminated the ladie's room.

Zelda: WHY?

Ganondorf: Because this castle is for ME and as for ME I am a man.

Zelda: ..... dammit. Ganondorf, I'll do anything to not go through this again..

Ganondorf: Yes, this must be time # 984,874,893,458,965,866,349,658 I have captured you.

Zelda: Now I am going to end up like Princess Peach.

Ganondorf: Never will Link become a plumber! Never will I submerge into a Koopa! Never will you wear pink!

Zelda: SHUT THE HELL UP!

Meanwhile..

As Link was walking to Ganon's castle, hearing that Zelda was captured again, we tripped over a tree and landed on his mechanical arm.

Link: GARGLE! GAG! GRAGGLE! MY ARM!

Chicken Lady: Oh my fuck! What the bitch happened?

Link: I THINK MY MECHANICAL METALLIC MEGA-MORPHING ARM IS BROKEN!

Chicken Lady: Again?

Link: Quick! To the UMC Quick Care!

UMC Quick Care..

Doctor: Yes, you can't move that arm.

Link: What am I supposed to do?

Doctor: You have to stay in bed for three months.

Link: Three months? I can't wait that long! Zelda is captured by Ganondorf again and if I don't save her they'll both be married and Hyrule Hell will be turned into CandyLand!

Doctor: True indeed. But you'll be one-armed if you don't get that cured.

Link: You bastard! You care about me more than Hyrule?

Doctor: I should. You're my patient.

Link: You look familiar. (Pulls of Doctor's face) NABOORU? I knew it all along..

Nabooru: I quit being a Gerudo. I got a job for a marine biologist but I killed a walrus instead.

Audience: Aww..

Link: Shut up audience. Anyway, so you work for UMC.

Nabooru: YES AND I'M HAPPY!! YOOHOO! I MAKE $9,998 AN HOUR!

Link: No wonder you dress so nicely.

Nabooru: But I only get paid every four weeks..

Link: I guess I can't help out Zelda..

Meanwhile..

Zelda hears a ring on her cell phone.

Zelda: Hello?

Link: It's me, Link. I can't save you.

Zelda: Why not?

Link: I broke my arm.

Zelda: But I heard Malon bit it off..

Link: Yeah, she did but I got a metal arm and I broke it..

Zelda: This calls for a new superhero! Bye!

Link: Bye. *Click*

Zelda: *Click* This calls for ...

Ingo: ME..

Talon: AND ME!

Zelda: Yes my new superheros.

Ganondorf: Damn you. Now defeat me.

Ingo: Milk attack!

Talon: Ew, you pansy! You're gay!

Ingo: ... Die! (Plunges an arrow into Ganondorf's ass)

Ganondorf: MY SENSITIVE ASS!

Ingo: I didn't know you're ass was sensitive.

Ganondorf doubles over on the floor and begins to have a seizure..

Talon: Dammit, look what you did.

Zelda: My hero!

Zelda begins to kiss him.. and hug him.. then Talon engaged to her..