ANNALS OF THE LILY MAID
Side-story 2: I Battle With Myself
by aircompass
Much thanks to my lovely, lovely kindred internet friends :)
for all the fantastic ideas, precise editing and great
stories :) Especially to Kristi, Bianca and Martha :)
DISCLAIMER: I don't own anything :). I just write the stories. :)
I waved my hand at the lone figure standing in the foggy Kingsport
weather. She smiled warmly, her chin lifted with a seemingly
determined expression.
So, this was it. She would stay in Kingsport where so many had
grown to love her. Her mind would remain free of the troubles mine
was full off.
I was saying goodbye AGAIN.
TO HER, the elusive redhead who hadn't wanted my heart, but snared
it anyway. She's kept it ever since. DAMMIT, I cursed. I had learned to
curse in college. I have not shaken the habit, and have no intention of
shaking it. Especially in situations like these.
I clung to the thread holding me to my sanity.
I was torn. I wanted to get off of the train and stay with her, lost in the
misery of unrequited love. DAMMIT, again. But I couldn't allow myself
that because she'd made it clear once that she would never love me.
Not in the way I want her to, anyway. If I DID abandon everything and
run to her, she wouldn't…we couldn't…no. I couldn't afford to throw
myself down that same spiral, thoroughly convincing her that she
didn't need me around.
Her friendship. At least, I had that.
Anne had a power over me that I could never understand. She had
always managed to awaken things in me that I had almost forgotten I
had. No, it wasn't passion, if that's what you're thinking, although it
wasn't completely unrelated to that.
Don't look at me like that. It's true. I'm a man; a man usually feels
these things. But, that's beside the point. Anne always made me
realize how blindly I threw myself into my life, forgetting to stop
sometimes or slow down. It was almost as if she taught me how to
breathe. Her goodbye was something else. Everything about her had
embedded themselves into my memory: her flushed cheeks, shining
eyes, and lilting voice. In my heart, I felt an unexplainable sense of
dread, as if it was the last time I would see her.
And so I sat, unseeing, forgetting my studies momentarily. There was
no point to it. Had I even attempted to resume, I would learn absolutely
nothing, making everything a waste of time. I was confused, befuddled.
I could not find a way to comprehend what had happened. I refused to
believe that I could lose control so quickly.
How could five minutes with her send me to my undoing?
It had been a meeting of friends, no kisses exchanged or passions
shared. Just friendly banter. And yet, it had been the morning of my
soul, rousing itself from an undisturbed sleep.
How could I love her after all the time that I spent forgetting her? Can
one ever forget a brush with love? Did I truly TRULY still love her? Or
had I imagined myself into an alternate universe, pretending I'd forgotten
her? Was that my way of shedding some optimism to the fact that she
cared nothing for me?
Oh, she made me CRAZY.
Completely NUTS.
And I couldn't do a thing about it, besides sitting on my damn arse
staring at my books like an idiot, on a %$#@!&+ train back to my fiance
who had warned me about taking this trip!
CHRISTINE. I had almost forgotten about her and she was going to
meet me at the Halifax station in fifteen minutes. Oh boy, I hit rock bottom
and I hadn't even noticed the ton of crap tumbling over me. Maybe, just
maybe, things would change once I was with Chris again.
I buried myself in the incoming crowd, as if I were placing myself in the
same position as my state of mind. Christine told me that she would pick
me up, but I had no interest, no excitement at the thought of seeing her. I
felt helplessly trapped, and it was clear to me that there was no way for
me to dig myself out of the pit I'd thrown myself into.
I walked out into the Halifax night aimlessly, not really paying attention to
where I was going. Luck seemed to hate me because I walked smack into
the person I had wanted to confront the least.
She was not a welcome sight, though normally I would say that it was a
pleasure to see her. Christine had always been lovely. She had masses
of dark hair, dusky blue eyes, and smooth rosy cheeks. At that moment,
she was in her element.
She looked up surprised, and I saw the rapture in her eyes.
"GILBERT!" She exclaimed, her smile lit up her entire face. "I thought I'd
never be able to find you because of all of these people!!!" I nodded weakly
and squeezed her arm. She looked up at me, and her eyes flickered
hesitantly over my face. Worry clouded them slightly, but she said nothing.
"I'm a bit tired, Chris." I began. She nodded and I let go of her. Chris
looked troubled, but smiled hesitantly, expectantly.
"All right." she said, tugging on my sleeve. "C-come on. I'll walk you home."
I shook my head I had to be alone to think things through and analyze my
situation. she needed to understand that. Leaning over, I kissed her
forehead affectionately and gave her a droopy grin, emphasizing my
exhaustion.
"I need to be alone for awhile," I began. "I'll be fine walking home. I'm a
healthy young lad! And a med student!" I said good-naturedly. She perked
up a bit and nodded.
"Alright." Almost as an afterthought, she added, "So I'll see you tomorrow?
Dinner, Mother's expecting you."
I thought about it. "I'll see what I can do." I said. I thought I saw a glimmer
of doubt in her face, but I shook it off. How could she know? Then, she
smiled and hugged me tightly. Her voice trembled, but I gave the cold night
air credit for that.
"I-I just wanted you to know that I missed you." she whispered softly, the
smallness of her voice struck a chord in me. What had I done to the girl?
As she pulled away, I patted her cheek and brushed some hair off her
forehead.
"I missed you, too."
Walking home by my lonesome, I realized I was telling the truth. I HAD
missed Chris. I missed having her around, she made me laugh.
She was a male fantasy. Beautiful, rich, accomplished, sweet and
she loved me more than I loved her.
I had pursued her, now I had her.
What else could I possible want?
It hit me at 3AM in the morning.
I could not sleep, therefore I did not even attempt slumber. There, the
answer found me, pondering my life in the comfort of my sheets.
I realized what it was exactly that I wanted.
Christine Stuart. I wanted Christine Stuart, but I needed Anne Shirley.
That made all the difference. I saw what it meant to me. Anne was
absolutely everything. Everything that was true, and beautiful and sweet
in my life. Christine could only come up to a fraction of that, no matter
what she did. Chris didn't have that je ne se qoi. Anne had been born
with it.
Her lilting voice echoed softly in my ear, her words the day at the barn.
"...But you want someone who will adore you, who will be happy to
hang on your arm and pull the home for you!!!" her eyes had flashed
despairingly, as if I didn't understand. I had answered her passionately,
trying to change her mind.
"Anne, that is NOT what I am looking for at all!!!" I shot back.
I AM a fool. She'd tried to tell me something, and I just could not see
past my own self-involvement. I'd been so proud, so afraid of risking
myself that I didn't see how badly I could hurt others. I was wrong. And
she had seen me so clearly, past the armor I had shrouded myself in.
She knew me like no one else did, knew me when I could barely
understand myself. That's WHY I needed her.
Anne was right.
I had asked Christine to marry me because she DID adore me, and she
was more than willing to be the WIFE. The little lady, the missus.
Just like my mother.
I blanched when I realized it. Pop Psychology...my childhood plagued me
like the smell of smoke. You could never get it to go away. Why HAD my
father married my mother? He'd loved Marilla once...not that it mattered
anymore.
I COULD be happy with Christine. It wasn't such a large thing to ask.
I mean, there were a few things we couldn't agree on, like children. She
didn't want children. I wanted a house exploding with them. But I couldn't
let a little thing like that destroy my clarity...
I wasn't incapapble of loving Chris. I didn't love her the way I did Anne,
but it was enough for me to compromise my life, right? RIGHT?
I would be at the Stuarts for dinner.
END :)
Next installment will come...soon? :) Maybe :)
Side-story 2: I Battle With Myself
by aircompass
Much thanks to my lovely, lovely kindred internet friends :)
for all the fantastic ideas, precise editing and great
stories :) Especially to Kristi, Bianca and Martha :)
DISCLAIMER: I don't own anything :). I just write the stories. :)
I waved my hand at the lone figure standing in the foggy Kingsport
weather. She smiled warmly, her chin lifted with a seemingly
determined expression.
So, this was it. She would stay in Kingsport where so many had
grown to love her. Her mind would remain free of the troubles mine
was full off.
I was saying goodbye AGAIN.
TO HER, the elusive redhead who hadn't wanted my heart, but snared
it anyway. She's kept it ever since. DAMMIT, I cursed. I had learned to
curse in college. I have not shaken the habit, and have no intention of
shaking it. Especially in situations like these.
I clung to the thread holding me to my sanity.
I was torn. I wanted to get off of the train and stay with her, lost in the
misery of unrequited love. DAMMIT, again. But I couldn't allow myself
that because she'd made it clear once that she would never love me.
Not in the way I want her to, anyway. If I DID abandon everything and
run to her, she wouldn't…we couldn't…no. I couldn't afford to throw
myself down that same spiral, thoroughly convincing her that she
didn't need me around.
Her friendship. At least, I had that.
Anne had a power over me that I could never understand. She had
always managed to awaken things in me that I had almost forgotten I
had. No, it wasn't passion, if that's what you're thinking, although it
wasn't completely unrelated to that.
Don't look at me like that. It's true. I'm a man; a man usually feels
these things. But, that's beside the point. Anne always made me
realize how blindly I threw myself into my life, forgetting to stop
sometimes or slow down. It was almost as if she taught me how to
breathe. Her goodbye was something else. Everything about her had
embedded themselves into my memory: her flushed cheeks, shining
eyes, and lilting voice. In my heart, I felt an unexplainable sense of
dread, as if it was the last time I would see her.
And so I sat, unseeing, forgetting my studies momentarily. There was
no point to it. Had I even attempted to resume, I would learn absolutely
nothing, making everything a waste of time. I was confused, befuddled.
I could not find a way to comprehend what had happened. I refused to
believe that I could lose control so quickly.
How could five minutes with her send me to my undoing?
It had been a meeting of friends, no kisses exchanged or passions
shared. Just friendly banter. And yet, it had been the morning of my
soul, rousing itself from an undisturbed sleep.
How could I love her after all the time that I spent forgetting her? Can
one ever forget a brush with love? Did I truly TRULY still love her? Or
had I imagined myself into an alternate universe, pretending I'd forgotten
her? Was that my way of shedding some optimism to the fact that she
cared nothing for me?
Oh, she made me CRAZY.
Completely NUTS.
And I couldn't do a thing about it, besides sitting on my damn arse
staring at my books like an idiot, on a %$#@!&+ train back to my fiance
who had warned me about taking this trip!
CHRISTINE. I had almost forgotten about her and she was going to
meet me at the Halifax station in fifteen minutes. Oh boy, I hit rock bottom
and I hadn't even noticed the ton of crap tumbling over me. Maybe, just
maybe, things would change once I was with Chris again.
I buried myself in the incoming crowd, as if I were placing myself in the
same position as my state of mind. Christine told me that she would pick
me up, but I had no interest, no excitement at the thought of seeing her. I
felt helplessly trapped, and it was clear to me that there was no way for
me to dig myself out of the pit I'd thrown myself into.
I walked out into the Halifax night aimlessly, not really paying attention to
where I was going. Luck seemed to hate me because I walked smack into
the person I had wanted to confront the least.
She was not a welcome sight, though normally I would say that it was a
pleasure to see her. Christine had always been lovely. She had masses
of dark hair, dusky blue eyes, and smooth rosy cheeks. At that moment,
she was in her element.
She looked up surprised, and I saw the rapture in her eyes.
"GILBERT!" She exclaimed, her smile lit up her entire face. "I thought I'd
never be able to find you because of all of these people!!!" I nodded weakly
and squeezed her arm. She looked up at me, and her eyes flickered
hesitantly over my face. Worry clouded them slightly, but she said nothing.
"I'm a bit tired, Chris." I began. She nodded and I let go of her. Chris
looked troubled, but smiled hesitantly, expectantly.
"All right." she said, tugging on my sleeve. "C-come on. I'll walk you home."
I shook my head I had to be alone to think things through and analyze my
situation. she needed to understand that. Leaning over, I kissed her
forehead affectionately and gave her a droopy grin, emphasizing my
exhaustion.
"I need to be alone for awhile," I began. "I'll be fine walking home. I'm a
healthy young lad! And a med student!" I said good-naturedly. She perked
up a bit and nodded.
"Alright." Almost as an afterthought, she added, "So I'll see you tomorrow?
Dinner, Mother's expecting you."
I thought about it. "I'll see what I can do." I said. I thought I saw a glimmer
of doubt in her face, but I shook it off. How could she know? Then, she
smiled and hugged me tightly. Her voice trembled, but I gave the cold night
air credit for that.
"I-I just wanted you to know that I missed you." she whispered softly, the
smallness of her voice struck a chord in me. What had I done to the girl?
As she pulled away, I patted her cheek and brushed some hair off her
forehead.
"I missed you, too."
Walking home by my lonesome, I realized I was telling the truth. I HAD
missed Chris. I missed having her around, she made me laugh.
She was a male fantasy. Beautiful, rich, accomplished, sweet and
she loved me more than I loved her.
I had pursued her, now I had her.
What else could I possible want?
It hit me at 3AM in the morning.
I could not sleep, therefore I did not even attempt slumber. There, the
answer found me, pondering my life in the comfort of my sheets.
I realized what it was exactly that I wanted.
Christine Stuart. I wanted Christine Stuart, but I needed Anne Shirley.
That made all the difference. I saw what it meant to me. Anne was
absolutely everything. Everything that was true, and beautiful and sweet
in my life. Christine could only come up to a fraction of that, no matter
what she did. Chris didn't have that je ne se qoi. Anne had been born
with it.
Her lilting voice echoed softly in my ear, her words the day at the barn.
"...But you want someone who will adore you, who will be happy to
hang on your arm and pull the home for you!!!" her eyes had flashed
despairingly, as if I didn't understand. I had answered her passionately,
trying to change her mind.
"Anne, that is NOT what I am looking for at all!!!" I shot back.
I AM a fool. She'd tried to tell me something, and I just could not see
past my own self-involvement. I'd been so proud, so afraid of risking
myself that I didn't see how badly I could hurt others. I was wrong. And
she had seen me so clearly, past the armor I had shrouded myself in.
She knew me like no one else did, knew me when I could barely
understand myself. That's WHY I needed her.
Anne was right.
I had asked Christine to marry me because she DID adore me, and she
was more than willing to be the WIFE. The little lady, the missus.
Just like my mother.
I blanched when I realized it. Pop Psychology...my childhood plagued me
like the smell of smoke. You could never get it to go away. Why HAD my
father married my mother? He'd loved Marilla once...not that it mattered
anymore.
I COULD be happy with Christine. It wasn't such a large thing to ask.
I mean, there were a few things we couldn't agree on, like children. She
didn't want children. I wanted a house exploding with them. But I couldn't
let a little thing like that destroy my clarity...
I wasn't incapapble of loving Chris. I didn't love her the way I did Anne,
but it was enough for me to compromise my life, right? RIGHT?
I would be at the Stuarts for dinner.
END :)
Next installment will come...soon? :) Maybe :)
