Chapter 10: Resolution
Miaka felt deliciously warm and comfortable as she reluctantly crossed over the line between sleep and consciousness. She really did not want to wake up, but figured that she had to do so sooner or later. Slowly opening her eyes, she found herself under an ancient, musty blanket, and at the same time registering that she was pressed against a warm male body. Tamahome, she thought, blushing a little. She could feel his steady heartbeat and his strong arms wrapped securely around her waist. His breath tickled the hairs on the back of her neck and she smiled in contentment, snuggling backwards into the warmth of his body.
"Do you have any idea what you are doing, Suzaku no Miko?" a deep voice whispered sensuously in her ear.
It was the voice which had haunted countless nightmares. In a flash, she was at one end of the room, her back against the wall, staring at him in horror, her eyes wide and wild with fear.
He sat up, arms resting casually on his knees, with a smirk on his lips. The blanket still covered the lower half of his body, making him look as if he was completely naked under it.
"You…you didn't…" she paled at the horrible implications. She had not even noticed that she was still in fact, wearing her underwear.
"Don't you remember, Suzaku no Miko?" he asked smoothly, the smirk turning malicious, "It takes two to commit such an act."
She slowly slid down against the wall, until she was sitting with her knees drawn up almost to her chin. Tears leaked from her wide, unseeing eyes. "No…it can't be…" she mumbled more to herself than to him.
Nakago eyed the whimpering girl coolly, tiring of the charade. Oh dear, she looks like she's going to faint again. Can't have that now, can we? He fought the urge to roll his blue eyes heavenward. Some people are just so gullible.
"If you had been a little more observant you would have realised that you are still wearing your underwear." He stood up, leaving the blanket laying in a heap on the floor, revealing that he was still wearing his pants. When she did not reply immediately, he crossed the room to stand in front of her.
She was staring at him blankly, her mind still struggling to comprehend what she was seeing. Suddenly, she bolted to her feet and screamed at him, "YOU SICK JERK! HOW DARE YOU TRICK ME LIKE THAT!!" She finally looked down at herself before her eyes snapped back to his in a glare that could have melted lead, "AND WHERE ARE THE REST OF MY CLOTHES? YOU JERK… YOU…YOU HENTAIIIIIII!!"
The former Seiryuu seishi lifted an eyebrow at her outburst, noticing that her entire body, not just her face, had turned a delicate shade of pink in embarrassment, "Now, now…Is that any way to speak to the person who just saved your life?" he drawled calmly.
Saved my…without warning, everything came flooding back to her. Memories of the events that had transpired the day before. Falling off the cliff…Her near drowning…Tamahome dying. Oh god…She clamped a hand to her mouth, feeling the raw grief envelop her and the accompanying nausea. Bile rose up in her throat, almost choking her as her eyes began to water.
She blindly pushed past him, stumbling over to the corner where her now dry clothes were and rapidly pulled them on, fumbling with the buttons because her hands were trembling so badly. Then, not seeming to see anything else, she fled out of the hut without another word.
This is REALLY starting to annoy me. He picked up his shirt and put it on unhurriedly, neatly tucking it into his pants. Dressed, he pushed open the door and stepped out into the morning sun. It really wouldn't be difficult to find her. People in grief did not usually have the presence of mind to cover their tracks. The Suzaku no Miko would run in a straight line, like a bat out of hell.
And run in a straight line she did, her feet taking her directly back to the river. He found her under a tree on the bank, sobbing her heart out.
We do not have time for this. She was wasting her energy crying. Tamahome would not come back to life no matter how long she mourned his death in this manner. His entire face hardened into a cold, hard mask and his jaw tightened. The dead could never come back to life, no matter what you did. He knew that from personal experience.
"Suzaku no Miko. We have to go. Now." The words were clipped and sharp, almost an order.
"Go. Away." she managed to get out between her tears. The blonde man standing a few feet from her was the last person she wanted to see. It was as if he existed solely to torment her. Miaka didn't want to see his gloating smirk or hear his dreaded voice uttering words that would deface Tamahome's memory.
"Spare me the display of childish emotion, it won't bring Tamahome back." Nakago stated flatly, a tinge of impatience in his tone.
"IT'S NOT FAIR!!" She yelled at him, tears streaming down her face. His blunt words angered her, causing her tenuous hold on her rampaging emotions to snap. "WHY? WHY DID HE HAVE TO BE THE ONE TO DIE AND NOT —!" She clapped her hands over her mouth, mortified at what she had been about to say.
"—Me?" he completed the sentence for her, lips twisted into a sardonic smile. "It's all right, dear Miko, you can say it. In fact, you have no idea how many times I've asked myself that very same question."
His reply seemed to have a strange effect on her. She sunk to the ground as if she no longer had the strength to support her own weight, her voice came out as a thin whisper.
"You should have let me die."
He looked down at her, a tiny figure huddled on the ground at his feet. She was the picture of abject misery which would have touched the heart of the most battle-hardened warrior.
"You really are pathetic, Suzaku no Miko." He towered over her, his voice dripping with contempt, "Tamahome was a fool. Personally, I think it was good riddance."
Nakago's words cut through the haze of grief and hopelessness which had shrouded her. She exploded with fury, "DON'T YOU DARE TALK ABOUT HIM LIKE THAT!" She was on her feet now, her hazel eyes flaring with anger. "YOU HAVE NO RIGHT!!" she shrieked at him.
For one brief moment, Nakago saw the red chi of Suzaku surround her, shimmering like a translucent red veil.
She didn't seem to notice.
Her entire body had developed a fine tremor and her fists were balled at her sides in rage, "I don't have to listen to you and I don't expect you to understand how losing someone feels like…" her voice lowered into a hiss, "Because you…you don't even have a heart."
He let out a soft, derisive snort of amusement, "So the poor little Miko has no one to coddle her. How sad," he mocked.
"I'd rather DIE than be stuck with YOU!" She spat out each word as if she were spitting out melon seeds.
"Hhn. I suppose they should have given the task of saving the world to someone who could handle it, ne?" he continued conversationally, as if she had not said a single word. "Too bad for this world really. I almost pity the people depending on you to save them."
The blonde shogun looked her in the eye, his glacial stare meeting her enraged gaze as he coolly announced, "You are utterly disappointing, little girl. You really are pathetic…you're nothing but a whiny, spoilt little brat."
Just a little more should do the trick…
His voice dipped until it was just loud enough for her to hear. Mercilessly, Nakago drove the final insult home.
"You disgrace Suzaku…I don't know what that idiot Tamahome ever saw in you."
Nakago sensed rather than saw the fist headed towards his face and caught her wrist just before it made contact. She tried to hit him with her other hand, but he easily deflected the blow and soon had both her wrists pinned to the tree behind her in a vise-like grip.
"LET GO OF ME!!" She struggled valiantly, trying to break his hold, but even without his powers, his strength was far superior to hers.
It did not take her long to realise that whatever effort would be an exercise in futility. As suddenly as she had began, she stopped struggling and sagged in defeat. The anger seemed to vanish along with the light in her eyes, leaving them dull and lifeless…and frighteningly empty.
"Let go of me," she repeated quietly as she stood passively in his grasp, "Go away, Nakago…just go away and leave me alone," she whispered almost inaudibly.
He did not release his punishing grip on her. "Look at you, Suzaku no Miko," he sounded disgusted, "You think you're the only one who has experienced loss?" She squeezed her eyes shut, trying to escape the silver blue stare that seemed to burn into her soul…trying to deny the truths he was throwing at her.
Nakago continued relentlessly, "Do you think that the world revolves around you and you alone? You are so selfish. People die everyday. It is a fact of life," he said harshly, "Deal with it."
Abruptly he let her go. Her wrists would most probably have bruises later as evidence of this encounter, but Nakago did not care. Miaka just stood there, tears silently trickling down her cheeks from under closed lids.
He turned his back on her and began to walk away. After a few paces, he stopped and addressed her over his shoulder.
"People are depending on you to prevent this world from being destroyed. If you don't pull yourself together, then Tenkou will have already won…" He did not bother to turn around or even look at her as he finished his sentence. "…And Tamahome would have sacrificed his life for nothing."
He carried on walking back to the hut without a backward glance.
Miaka did not move for a long time after Nakago had left her alone. Her wrists bore the red marks of his fingers, but those were the least of her concerns. Her eyes felt gritty and sore, and she had a headache from too much crying.
She wondered why her greatest enemy had even bothered to save her. She had nothing to live for now that Tamahome was dead.
Turning, she mechanically walked to the water's edge. Sunlight rippled over the water in an endless hypnotic pattern. It would be so easy to just—
She took a step forward, the water lapping at her feet. The small waves seemed to beckon to her…
Promise me…
She almost staggered under the crushing weight of the grief which accompanied the memory. She tried to block Tamahome's voice out of her thoughts, but the words filtered through relentlessly.
Promise me…that you'll carry on…and stop…Tenkou.
"How can I? How do you expect me to continue on without you?" she screamed into the silence, but only the gentle gurgling of the river answered her cry of despair. Why Tamahome? Why did you have to leave me? You promised to protect me forever…
She had promised Tamahome that she would find the shinzahos and stop the evil deity…but she did not know if she had the strength or the willpower to do so anymore. It felt as if half her soul...half her heart, had been ripped away, leaving the remaining half torn and bleeding. Why did she have to save this world? So that others could be happy? What about her? What about HER happiness?
So many questions. So much grief…She took another step forward. The water sloshed around her ankles.
People are depending on you to prevent this world from being destroyed. If you don't pull yourself together, then Tenkou will have already won…
Nakago's words intruded in on her thoughts with impeccable timing. The voice was so cool, calm and collected…directly at odds with the emotional wreck that Miaka was. She clutched her head in both her hands in an unsuccessful effort to banish his hated voice. Why can't you just leave me alone?
…and Tamahome would have sacrificed his life for nothing.
She suddenly straightened, startled as the full meaning of the words dawned on her. Was what Nakago said really true? Tamahome had died fully expecting her to complete their mission and stop Tenkou. If she just gave up now, she would be letting him down. Everyone was depending on her…how could she just ignore them?
She stared down at the shimmering water in shame. There was so much more at stake than her own happiness. The fate of this world and her own world hung on the balance, and here she was, wallowing in self-pity. Nakago had been right, she had been so very selfish.
Miaka took a deep, shuddering breath and turned, her face set in resolve. Her choice made, she slowly walked back to the hut. Her steps were heavy and unsteady with the grief still hanging over her, but for now, she would ignore the pain and carry on just like Tamahome had wanted her to. The rest of the world was waiting, and she had a promise to keep.
Notes:
Nakago is always right! grin Reverse psychology in action. Wonder whether his speech should be classified under "Motivational" or "Inspirational"? Hehhehheh...
He's a bit rough with her because he's not in a terribly good mood. (You would be pissed too if you had the responsibility of protecting someone you can't stand dumped on you!)
