Sans San
cover art by Llamavillana on Tumblr
Koushiro stood by an ema rack within the sacred grounds of a Shinto shrine, gazing at the blank ema in his hands. It was January first, a chilly day, hushed and gray. The Izumi family was observing Hatsumode, the first shrine visit in the new year. It was crammed with people, here to thank the gods for the past year and make wishes for the one to come.
The Shinto shrine nearest the Izumi's apartment mansion was small- or perhaps medium-sized was more accurate, since many shrines simply featured a torii gate and a teeny building, sometimes meant to enshrine a kami, or god. This shrine was large enough to include a fountain for purification, a worship hall for offering prayers, the main sanctuary enshrining the kami, and an office for purchasing charms and fortunes, with gray paving stones forming paths between buildings.
Many families visited larger, more important shrines for Hatsumode, but his parents, Kae and Masami, preferred the calmer local shrine. They also enjoyed running into similarly inclined neighbors and wishing them a happy new year. They were currently talking with friends on the edge of the grounds while Koushiro considered his ema, surrounded by bodies and chatter, but cognizant of nothing beyond his thoughts.
He had ticked off almost all the boxes for a successful Hatsumode. He purified his mouth and hands with freezing water at the fountain, offered a donation, and prayed. He purchased health and happiness charms for his parents, then pulled a fortune of moderate good luck, which he didn't put much stock in. It made his mother happy, though, so he was pleased with it, too.
One final task remained: completing the ema in his chilly hands. An ema was a thin wooden plaque on which shrine visitors wrote wishes. Koushiro was neither religious nor spiritual; he viewed Hatsumode as a tradition. Because of this, and because of his helpful and giving nature, he used to focus his prayers on loved ones rather than himself: health and happiness for friends and family and peaceful rest for his biological parents. Last year, he prayed for the safety of Daisuke's team, but there hadn't been much trouble in the Digital World since the battle with Belial Vamdemon.
Before the Digital World, Koushiro wished on behalf of others, and he still did. But ever since he said farewell to Tentomon on the trolley in 1999…
Well, Koushiro had personal goals to strive towards now. And although he was here to pray to gods, he expected to work hard to achieve his desires. He hoped that maybe, someday, he would look back and see that his efforts had resulted in growth.
But here and now, cold and idling in front of a packed ema rack, Koushiro stared at the wood and heaved a sigh. It taunted him with its blankness.
"Whoa! Koushiro, you're supposed to celebrate on New Year's!"
Normally, a loud voice so nearby would have startled him, but Koushiro knew this one, recognized it instinctively, viscerally, deep in his core. He looked up, already smiling, and found exactly whom he expected.
"Good afternoon, Taichi-san! Happy New Year." Koushiro formally delivered the customary greeting and bowed. It wasn't necessary to be so proper with a friend, especially one so dear, but what could he do? He wanted to offer Taichi his best, as always.
Taichi patted Koushiro's back and flashed that familiar toothy grin. "Happy New Year! C'mon, you're blocking the ema rack. You okay?"
"Oh..." Taichi grabbed his elbow, and Koushiro allowed himself to be carted away from the crowded ema rack. "Thank you. I can't believe I was blocking it for so long..."
"Hey, we all space out sometimes- or I guess focus too hard, in your case. I'm surprised to see you doing it away from a computer, though. S'wrong?"
Koushiro blinked at Taichi, attempting to read him. How did he know that he was struggling? Taichi wore a blue coat, jeans, and sneakers. Koushiro was more dressed up, as he felt Hatsumode warranted, wearing a caramel colored cable knit sweater, black pants, and brown leather shoes. Still, Taichi's confidence and ease made him fit in anywhere; he looked perfectly suited to the occasion, at least to Koushiro.
Which, of course, was surface level information that wouldn't help Koushiro understand his friend's thoughts. As was often the case in conversation, all Koushiro could do was take what was said to him at face value. "It's my ema," he sighed, showing Taichi its blank face.
"Can't decide what to write?" Taichi cocked his head. "Hm, last year I wrote that I wanted to armor evolve with Agumon like Daisuke's team..."
"I'm sorry," Koushiro said gently. "That ability is limited to V-mon and the others. I'm afraid it's beyond our power."
"Well I know that now," Taichi said, shrugging. Koushiro politely declined to point out that they knew that last year, too. "It won't work, so I'll pick a new wish. Did you get your wish last year?"
Koushiro's gaze fell from Taichi's friendly face to his ema. "Well... No." His fingers drummed the wood. His failure embarrassed him, especially in front of Taichi, who was a natural at everything. Or, at least, that's what Koushiro thought- even if Taichi had just admitted to wishing for something impossible and failing to achieve it.
Taichi did impossible things all the time. Hell, Koushiro wouldn't have been terribly shocked if he did manage to armor evolve Agumon, somehow- although it would plunge him into a flurry of frenzied research.
"Yeah? Don't feel bad, I didn't get mine, either. What was it?" Taichi threw an arm over Koushiro's shoulders and stared at the new ema, as if last year's wish might materialize there.
Koushiro shifted uncomfortably. Could he admit this to Taichi, who got along with so many people effortlessly? But Taichi wouldn't make fun of him. He never had, not even before the Digital World, when Koushiro was an underwhelming member of soccer club. Taichi might tease and joke with him- but he only took real jabs when his stress was at a breaking point.
Encouraged, as he so often was with Taichi- aware that he was valued, and braver for it- Koushiro murmured, "I... I wanted to try speaking to someone casually."
Koushiro waited, still staring at the ema, almost holding his breath. When Taichi grasped his shoulder, he looked up automatically- and found a warm, easy smile. Koushiro knew that grin; he was safe here. He relaxed, leaning into Taichi, who was blessedly warm, like a walking furnace.
"Hey, you can do that right now. Go on, I won't laugh." Taichi paused and tipped his bushy head. "I mean, uh, I'll try not to."
Koushiro smiled, amused and comforted. "I'd like to, but... You might actually be the most difficult person to speak casually to."
"Huh?" Taichi's offended look made Koushiro laugh- until he noticed a trace of hurt in his crumpled brow. "But why? We're close."
Koushiro nearly dropped the ema in his panic. "I didn't mean- It's because I think so highly of you that I..."
The hurt vanished from Taichi's face with speed that might have been comical, at least if he had laughed or grinned. Koushiro had no idea what to make of his focused expression. He felt himself fidgeting, but was unable to stop.
"I, I want to convey how much I respect and..."
There was a long, poignant pause. "And what?" Taichi prodded, poking Koushiro's cheek.
Koushiro's shoulders snapped up. "We, we're meant to admire our friends. I know most people express closeness with casual speech, but... For me, that feels..." Koushiro's throat seemed to close on itself, although logically he knew it hadn't, as he could still breathe.
"How do you know how it feels to speak casually?" Taichi's question seemed blunt, but he spoke gently and squeezed Koushiro's shoulder. "If you want to try it, you should. If you don't, that's fine, too. No pressure."
Reassured, Koushiro managed to look up. Once again, he found a smiling Taichi, and he couldn't help smiling back. "I've always wanted to be more confident and skilled with social interactions. Tentomon says that whatever is comfortable for me is best, and that my friends accept me as I am."
Koushiro had no choice but to pause. He reflected on that farewell in the trolley, that unfathomable mixture of comfort and sorrow, every day. What a wondrous thought, that he was lovable and loved as he was! What anguish to know that the being who believed it, with every character of his code and some other force that even Koushiro couldn't name, was often so far away! He still struggled to believe what Tentomon said, himself…
But Tentomon believed enough for both of them.
Logically, if he was accepted for who he was, then he didn't need to change, not really. But how could Koushiro be content with that? If he really was accepted and loved, then it was his duty to do his best for the people who cared for him.
Tentomon said that the right words would come someday, but Koushiro was not the type to idly wait.
"If I could grow…" Koushiro murmured. "Well, I would like to, and New Year's invites it. But… Even almost four years later, it's... It's still hard."
Taichi released a soft whistle. "Tentomon said that? Man. The digimon are like that... One second, they're begging for treats, then the next… Wham! Some deep stuff like that." Taichi inched closer, lowering his voice. "He's right, though. We like you just how you are. And that's why you can practice on me any time. Okay?"
This time, when Koushiro struggled to speak, it stemmed from surprise, not discomfort. He never secretly feared that his friends disliked him; on the contrary, he thought the world of them and trusted them implicitly.
It was himself he struggled to believe in.
But if Taichi said he was fine as he was... If Tentomon said so, too... Could he start to really believe? He wanted to believe; maybe truly believing was the first step towards growth. And so, he dug deep for courage and shut his eyes tight, as if he were about to leap from a cliff.
"Thanks... Taichi."
A pause dragged on, and still, Koushiro's eyes were closed. He wouldn't look at Taichi- he couldn't! But the prickles of anticipation grew unbearable, and soon, he had no choice. Tense, pulse pounding in his head, wincing with anxiety, Koushiro peeked up.
Taichi gaped at him, mouth hanging, dumbfounded. When Koushiro laughed, he seemed to come to. Grinning, he pulled Koushiro in by the shoulder, smushing them together. "Just thanks? No 'thank you very much'? No san?!"
"You granted explicit permission!" Koushiro protested, still chuckling.
"Ah, there he is." Taichi smacked Koushiro's back, then released him. "See? That wasn't so bad."
Koushiro tipped his head, considering. To be honest, speaking so casually felt blunt, or disrespectful, or, or...
Or maybe just too close, closer than he had allowed himself to be before. Was his reluctance to speak casually rooted in respect, self-expression, or fear? Koushiro couldn't say just yet. He was in the habit of evaluating his ideas and thoughts, often actively, sometimes on the back burner. But was he brave enough to intentionally pursue this question?
"I don't know how I feel about it." Koushiro placed a hand over his heart, feeling its wild thumping. "It caused a reaction in my nervous system." His conclusion was analytical, detached, but not because he didn't care. It simply took a while for him to process certain emotions.
"You know, most people get adrenaline rushes from bungee jumping, not casual language," Taichi teased. "But you can keep practicing with me, if you want."
"I think I've had enough for now." Frankly, Koushiro felt a bit lightheaded. The shrine was crowded and noisy; he longed for a quiet, solitary moment to work out his thoughts and feelings.
"Well, you knocked out last year's goal! That's great!" Koushiro knew he was smiling too hard, but that never hurt anyone. Taichi excelled at offering support, at bolstering people. It was no wonder everyone gravitated to him.
"I'm technically over the deadline," Koushiro pointed out- but he was oddly proud, despite that. He couldn't wait to tell Tentomon about this. He wasn't sure yet if casual language was right for him, but he knew Tentomon would understand the significance of his attempt.
Taichi waved a hand, the physical version of whatever. "It's fine, it's just one day! So, what will it be this year?"
"I'm thinking," Koushiro replied. Taichi looked like he meant to respond, but he turned when a voice called him. Both boys looked into the crowd and spotted Hikari. They smushed through the throng of people until they met in the middle.
"Happy New Year, Hikari-san," Koushiro said, bowing.
"Koushiro-san! Happy New Year! I'm glad I could greet you on the first." Hikari wore a pink kimono with a yellow obi and a fluffy white shawl, with Tailmon curled up in her arms, keeping still.
She tugged Taichi's coat sleeve. "Onii-chan, Mom is asking what kind of charms you want. The line is really long, so she wants to buy them all at once."
Taichi shrugged. "I don't really believe in that stuff."
"Right," Hikari replied crisply. "So a charm for fortune on exams and for health."
"Hikari," Taichi sighed, exasperated. To Koushiro, he added, "Sorry, I gotta deal with this. You okay?"
Koushiro was sad to see Taichi and Hikari go, but people had obligations on New Year's. He was grateful to have this much of Taichi's time on such an important day. "Yes, thank you. Please give my regards to your parents."
"I will," Hikari replied. Koushiro grinned, aware that Taichi might take his words as a meaningless pleasantry instead of a request. "Please give your parents our regards."
"So stuffy," Taichi complained.
"New Year's greetings are important! See you, Koushiro-san!"
"Goodbye!" Koushiro waved until the Yagamis vanished in the crowd. When he was alone, he found a spot outside of the foot traffic to stand. Once again, he stared at his ema, wondering...
How could he grow this year?
He mulled it over until he remembered- he already admitted what he wanted. And so, he wrote the message with care, then hung the ema with the thousands already on the rack.
Koushiro rejoined his parents, who were chatting with neighbors on the edge of the shrine grounds. The Izumis went home, leaving behind Koushiro's hopes for the new year, entrusted with the hopes of so many others:
Health and happiness for my friends and family.
Peaceful rest for my biological parents.
Believe in myself.
Author's Notes: I wrote this piece for Koushiro Week 2022 on Tumblr. If you love Koushiro, please check out the event blog for so much beautiful content starring him. Everyone has made such amazing things! Speaking of which, thank you, thank you, thank you to my dear, wonderful, and talented friend Llama, who collaborated with me on this piece and made the most beautiful and gorgeous cover art. LOOK AT KOUSHIRO! HE IS SMILING AT US! I feel so happy and honored and blessed that you collaborated with me, my friend.
To my dear readers, always remember that you are loved and worthy just as you are.
