Chapter 16: Looking Back, No Regrets

Miaka almost jumped for joy when they reached the outskirts of a reasonably large town. She had not seen another human being in days, save for Nakago…and HE wasn't even good company. Half of the time he ignored her, and the other half of the time, she found herself on the receiving end of his verbal jabs and taunts. She was sure he did it to amuse himself. I swear he enjoys making me angry! Well I'm glad one of us finds this entertaining, she thought darkly. Her hair hung loose again, after she had been subjected to another 'Odango Atama' comment. She had wanted to get back at him for that, with say, a swift kick to the groin.

They walked down a crowded street. All around them were people going about their daily business. There were merchants and traders selling their wares, and people were smiling, talking to each other, laughing…

Miaka smiled, soaking in the busy, friendly atmosphere. How she had missed all this. It had been like this in Konan during the star-gazing festival, but that had seemed like such a long time ago. She turned to the blonde man beside her. He appeared to be momentarily distracted, something in one of the alleys off to the side having caught his attention.

She stared at him, wondering what he was up to. Without warning, Nakago directed his gaze back to her with unnerving suddenness. "Stay here," he told her brusquely, and disappeared into the crowd before she could ask any questions. No small feat, since six foot blondes as a rule did NOT blend in easily with the general populace.

And as usual, he had gone off without a word of explanation. This is getting old really fast…she ground her teeth together in annoyance. Seeing that she was in a strange town alone, all she could do was to wait for him to return. Heaving a sigh of resignation, she sat down on some steps to watch the people passing by.

She was counting the two-hundred-and-fifty-seventh person who had passed her when a familiar pair of boots appeared in her field of vision. Nakago was back, and he was holding a leather bag in one hand.

"What is that?" The wait had not done much to improve her mood.

He held the bag open briefly, letting her see its contents. Miaka's eyes widened at the number of gold and silver coins inside.

"Where exactly did you get all that money?" she glared at him suspiciously. "You didn't steal it from someone, did you?" she asked slowly, her eyes narrowing, watching him carefully.

He regarded her with studied nonchalance, but by now she had spent enough time around him to be able to read his non-expressions.

"You did!" she groaned throwing her hands up in exasperation, "Great! Just wonderful! We're criminals now!"

"Could you say that a little louder, Suzaku no Miko? I don't think they heard you in Konan-koku."

"We can't have that, can we? Since we're now PARTNERS IN CRIME!" she hissed sarcastically. His only response to her accusations was to cock an eyebrow at her, which infuriated her to no end. "Aargh! You're impossible!" she gave him the evil eye before burying her face in her hands.

"If it makes you feel any better, I didn't exactly steal it," he told her calmly.

Her head snapped up, and she stared at him with renewed suspicion. "What do you mean by 'didn't exactly'?" She was starting to get a really bad feeling about this, and Nakago's laconic nature wasn't helping matters.

"I took it from some thugs who stole it from someone else."

He sounded so calm, so rational, so…innocent?

"You ROBBED the robbers??" she almost shrieked, and would have, had it not been for the strange looks some of the passerbys were giving her.

He shrugged casually, as if what he had just done was nothing out of the ordinary.

"Two wrongs DO NOT make a right!" she snapped at him, "Don't ask me why it's wrong…it just is!" She shot him a withering look, "And I don't even want to know how your twisted mind rationalised it!"

He smirked at her, further grating on her nerves, "Would you rather sleep on the street tonight, Miko-sama?" he inquired smoothly with deliberate politeness.

That took all the wind right out of her sails, and she deflated instantly. "No…" she muttered grudgingly. She hated it when he was right. It was irritating, the way he could read her like an open book.

"I didn't think so," he walked past her, repressing the urge to pat her on the head in a condescending manner. In her current mood, she was likely to bite if he tried it. He rather liked his fingers attached as they were.

"I still think it's wrong…" she glared at him once more, "Some of us prefer to be HONEST in the way we go about doing things! Do you even KNOW what that word means?"

She doesn't give up, does she?

Nakago decided to humour her, "How would you have gone about earning money then, Suzaku no Miko?" he drawled.

She faltered at his unexpected question, "I…ah…" she looked around, desperately searching for inspiration. "I could serve people! Like those ladies over there!" she gestured towards the women working at an inn nearby.

She sensed the change in him the second the words left her mouth. A strange expression flitted through his eyes, vanishing as quickly as it had appeared. When he finally did speak, the absolute lack of emotion in his voice made her shiver.

"You really have no idea, do you, Miko?" he said slowly, his eyes hard and cold as chips of arctic ice.

She stared at him in confusion, not having the slightest clue as to what he was referring to. "N-Nani?" she stammered nervously.

He bent down so that his face was level with hers. "Those 'Ladies' ,as you so kindly call them, don't just serve their customers food and drink," he said softly, "They also serve their customers'…other needs."

Miaka paled as she realised what he meant.

He gave her a thin smile. It was as cold and cruel as the one he had given her on that awful night in Hokkan, when he had tricked her. She wrapped her arms around herself, trying to ward off the icy chill which seemed to have enveloped her. She looked away uncomfortably.

With uncanny timing, the crowds parted, revealing someone standing with his back facing her, on the opposite side of the street. His height, his build…right down to the unruly dark blue-green hair…

"Tamahome…" she whispered almost inaudibly as all the colour drained from her face.

The man turned. Perhaps he had felt someone staring at him. Or perhaps he had merely finished transacting whatever business he had with the merchant at the stall. His face bore no resemblance to the handsome Suzaku seishi whom she still loved and who still haunted her dreams.


Miaka picked at her food, pushing it around her plate instead of eating it, which was extremely unusual…and disquieting. Her actions disturbed him for reasons Nakago chose not to analyse too closely.

The Suzaku no Miko was pale…too pale to be considered healthy, but pale was an improvement from the stark white she had been, standing there in the street.

She had not uttered a word since then. Her wide, empty, crestfallen and confused gaze had persisted long after the man had turned around and walked off. She looked like a lost sheep, and it was starting to annoy him.

"Suzaku no Miko, your food is going to get up and run away if you keep poking at it," he said in a low voice. The table they were sitting at was fairly isolated, but he did not want to take the chance of their conversation being overheard.

She looked up blankly at the sound of his voice, staring at him for a few seconds before the meaning of his words sank in. She blushed lightly but could not help cracking a tiny smile at the mental image his observation had produced.

"I…" she stopped torturing her food and pushed the plate away, "I was just thinking…that's all."

"About Tamahome. " It wasn't a question.

She nodded slowly, her eyes dark and full of pain. She braced herself for one of Nakago's cutting remarks about how foolish she was or how useless it was to cry over spilt sake.

The caustic comment she expected never came.

Instead his silver-blue eyes seemed to hold her in a gaze that was disconcerting in the way it seemed to look right into her soul. "You know that he is always watching over you. The fool would move heaven and earth to be by your side if he could." As usual, Nakago had tossed out the words in his unconcerned and bordering-on-insensitive manner, managing to insult Tamahome in the process, but…

"That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me, Nakago." She looked at him in startled surprise, "Thank you."

The pain was still there, and she did not know whether the grief would ever go away, but it somehow felt more manageable now. Tamahome had promised to watch over her. He had not broken his promise, she realised, and he was still watching over her. She focused on all the good times she had shared with him instead of dwelling solely on his death, and found that it did not hurt anymore when she thought of him.

I was so lucky to meet Tamahome…to have been able to get to know him and all the others. Miaka smiled to herself. Looking back, she had no regrets ever falling in love with Tamahome. She would always hold him in a special place in her heart. A place that would forever belong to him, and no one else.

If it doesn't kill you, it makes you stronger. And she would be strong. For Tamahome. For everyone. Strong enough to fulfill her promise to him. She would stop Tenkou…if it was the last thing she did.

Nakago could feel the change in her chi field. It had become more stable…with a wry sense of peace she had lacked before. Even her eyes had changed, regaining some of their old fire. Of course, the sadness that had been so prevalent throughout her entire being was still there, but it no longer was a dominating force.

The Suzaku no Miko had finally come to terms with her grief, facing down her own demons…and she had won.


Notes:

1) For those of you familiar with Rurouni Kenshin, you'll recognise the scene I sort of borrowed... Remember the first time Kenshin meets Misao on the road to Kyotoduring the Shishio arc? Kenshin also tells Misao that stealing from thieves is wrong, even if the money did not belong to them!

2) Nakago was thinking about the predicament Soi was in before he rescued her when Miaka tells him how she's going to earn money...hence the sudden change of mood.

3) And yes, I believe that Nakago is capable of random acts of kindness, contrary to popular belief... he just hides them behind all the insults. Miaka purges one of her demons in this chapter, finally getting over all the grief she has stashed away. Up until now, she has avoided thinking about Tamahome because it's just too painful for her.