Can You Make It Easier
Chapter 6: "And I'm Allowed To Fall"
There are those who can leave love or take it
Love to them is just what they make it
I wish that I were just the same
But love is my favorite game
Thump.
Ouch.
Tyler had fallen off the chair. He struggled to get up and instead got tangled in the flannel blanket. Frowning heavily, he looked at the clock and the numbers glowing green in the darkness: 2:48.
His eyes wandered over to the chair opposite him.
Val.
She had fallen asleep in the chair when they got home at 1:22. Tyler guessed—correctly—that she hadn't gotten much sleep the night before.
He sighed and realized that she would get a cramp, curled up in the chair with her blond hair falling onto her dress and shoulders. Tyler didn't want her to get a cramp, and he knew he'd never sleep, not in this armchair across from Val.
There was only one thing to do.
"Val?" he asked, prematurely wincing. After ten seconds of waiting for her annoyed yell, he looked up. She was still sleeping.
"Hello? Val?" Nothing.
Tyler sighed again, untangled himself from the blanket attacking him, and stood up. He gently picked her up, letting her fall in his arms and hoping she wasn't awake, and began to walk towards her room.
She shifted.
Tyler looked down in despair, knowing all of LA would hear her if she woke up and found herself in his arms. But luckily for his ears—and him, he supposed later, she simply snuggled into his chest and fell asleep. He wanted nothing more than to kiss the top of her head and stand there all night, but Val wouldn't like that.
Or would she?
Their
conversation had heightened Tyler's hopes of finding her again greatly, but the
distance had only been closed an inch compared to what there was left to do.
And she was right—she wasn't making it easy.
But if
it were that easy, thought Tyler, would I love her as much as I do?
Yes,
of course he would. Or maybe not.
Another
maybe, Val, he said with a smile, another maybe. You were so right… too
many maybes. Too hard. But—am I supposed to give up? If I give up, it's over.
Do you want it to be over? Do you want your heart to stay broken? Or… would I
break it more if I loved you?
He didn't want to break her heart, certainly, but he didn't want to break his, either. Hers was more important—far more important. So he was prepared to leave if she asked him to, prepared to pack his bags and escape from her life.
But she hadn't asked him to yet.
Tyler started walking towards her bedroom again, and the time was far too short, because soon he had carefully put her down. But he didn't walk away. It was too hard to walk away from her skin lit by the moonlight coming from her window, her lips that were curved in a smile of dreams, her body perfectly positioned to let the beads on her dress sparkle and make her surreal.
"Can you make it easier, Val?" he asked with a tear rolling down his cheek, smiling through the pain. "Can you make it easier? Because I'll get rid of all the maybes if you want me to. I don't care if it takes the rest of my life—and yours—because, God, Val, I'd do absolutely anything for you. Absolutely anything. I'll walk away, I'll let you live, I'll set you free and let my heart break as long as it makes you happy. I love you. I'm always going to."
His moving monologue was finished, his feelings exposed—now if the air would fill the wounds with salt and let him cry the pain out, it would all be okay.
He exited, stage left, and turned back to close the door behind him…
And saw the
moon light a tear he hadn't seen before that was coursing down her cheek.
I fall in love too easily
I fall in love too fast
I fall in love too terribly hard
For love to ever last
"Okay, Tyler, I need you."
Tyler looked up in surprise. It was six thirty on a Friday night, what could Val possibly need him for?
"Excuse me?"
"I need your help," clarified Val.
"Yeah, for what?" Tyler asked, hoping this wasn't another Melissa Daniels special plan.
"Okay, well, there's this party…" Val walked into her room and closed the door, but continued yelling out her explanation to Tyler. "…and it's the Inter-House Party, right? Well, we're also having a surprise party for Dana, and Dana has a crush on you…"
Tyler was leaning against the wall next to her door, and that made him stand straight up.
"Who's Dana? And what do you mean, she has a crush on me? I mean, what, have I met her? Am I suddenly a sex symbol or something?"
"No, no," Val assured him. Something thumped shut behind the door. "You're number 21."
"On the Top Ten Bachelors List?" Tyler asked, amazed. He didn't know people looked at that—well, except for maybe crazed fourteen-year-olds who were looking for Leonardo DiCaprio.
"Yeah. And she goes through it and decides whom to crush on—she's a very methodical person, Dana. Well, George Clooney is too old, and she has this turnoff to rappers, and she recently got over Leo DiCaprio"—Tyler remembered old Leo had ranked 20—"and you're next."
"You know, I find it an insult that I'm after Leonardo DiCaprio," said Tyler.
"Don't worry… you're much cuter. She just likes actors. Brad Pitt was a longstanding thing, too."
"Okay," Tyler agreed, continuing the conversation while burying his face in his hands in agony, "so Dana has a crush on me. Go on."
"Well, I was helping her set up and she said how—I think it was Ashley—saw Tyler Connell at the sorority and she wished she was there and it would be the best birthday present ever to have him come to her birthday, and she was sighing, and—"
"Please, Val, save me the gory details," said Tyler with a grimace. Val swore from the other side of the door when a bump connected with a thump and made an "ouch!" Tyler assumed she had stubbed her toe.
"Right—ow—well, it's her golden birthday—she's 22, see—and I wanted to give her a really good present, so you—" The door swung open as she finished her sentence, "—are coming with me."
"Is it a retro party or something?" Tyler asked warily, sizing up Val's formfitting black pants and pink halter that ended above four inches of skin. Her hair was pulled into a high, fashionably messy ponytail and she had a golden chain around her neck. The retro part was actually just a guess because of the white, button-down, short-sleeved shirt that was tied just under the end of the pink and the start of a tanned stomach; the gold charm on the necklace that was shaped like a minute peace sign; and the inch-high black ankle boots that seemed just like Melissa's, coupled with the hairstyle and golden hoops in her ears made a throwback to the 70's without looking like she was a hippie. "And do you have a thing with shirts ending above your stomach, or is that just to torment me? And are those Melissa's shoes?"
"Kind of, what are you talking about, and yes, how'd you know?"
"She wore them when she came to my office. And remember? The beach? You wore two-pieces then—"
"I was trying to get a tan, imbecile," laughed Val, trying hard to mask any fear or embarrassment. "Not torment you. How did you remember that, anyway? It's been seven years."
"It tormented me anyway," said Tyler softly, "and I remember everything I've ever done with you." Val's blue eyes grew uncertain at his words.
"I told you to please stop it, Tyler," Val said softly, trying to mask the pain in her voice. "I'm not ready for you to bring back memories I've been trying so hard to forget. Wait until I can deal with you to penetrate my skin, to crawl into my heart and start living there like a bird—a bird that will fly away. So… just let me live a while. And don't pressure it."
"Pressure what?" Tyler asked lightheartedly, dropping all knowledge of the conversation. Val smiled weakly.
"So, anyway, find something remotely retro and hurry up, the party starts at seven fifteen, goes until maybe one? We should get there early to set up, though." Her absent-minded babbling was made worse by the fact Tyler was close. Too close.
Far too close for her to reach.
"I'll go change," said Tyler agreeably. "And then we'll go." Val nodded in response, mutely and automatically. Of course they'd go. Go to the party and socialize and rip her heart out watching Tyler dance with others and listening to songs.
But maybe
it was easier for her heart to be ripped out than to fall in love and have her
heart split and torn while still in her chest, beating steadily but mourning
like a lost bird. Easier to fall in love, thought Val, than it is to
fall out. Isn't that ironic?
Oh, she fell in love too easily with Tyler, without thinking and without knowing that the sun had to go out sometime and she would be alone in the darkness.
God, she
should have looked ahead.
My heart should be well schooled
'Cause I've been fooled
In the past
But still I fall in love too easily
I fall in love too fast
"No one likes you when you're twenty-three, and still more amused by prank phone calls…"
The song blared as Val and Tyler walked into the room, which contained a small amount of people—perhaps thirty—most of whom were Alpha Chi's helping set up tables and stereos.
"…Call ID, my friends say I should act my age, what's my age again…"
Blink182 filled Val's ears and brain with an earsplitting volume, but this would be just enough to be audible once the party started going.
"I thought you said we were going to be late," Tyler whispered into her ear.
"The limo driver goes faster than I thought," replied Val. "Hold on, that's Dana."
Dana Van Doken was about 5' 5", with reddish-brown hair that was pulled up behind her head and brown-gray eyes. Her feet were clad in red flip-flops that matched her ponytail holder that pulled her hair into a loose bun, her calf-length skirt was fuchsia, and the tank top she was wearing was yellow. PEACE was tattooed across her upper arm in rhinestones and the choker draped around her neck had blue-silver beads glistening.
"Val! You look great! Is Melissa coming?" Her voice rang steadily with enthusiasm. "I haven't seen her in a while…" Her eyes, for the first time, turned to Tyler.
"Oh my God," she murmured. "Oh my God."
Tyler was sure she was about to faint, but he had a feeling supporting her with his arm wouldn't make matters any better.
"Dana, meet Tyler," introduced Val perkily. "Tyler, Dana."
"Hi," mumbled Dana in a definite daze. "Hi. Bye."
She wandered off, pinching her arm now and then, stumbling slightly and taking looks over her shoulder to reassure herself he was still there.
"She'll get over it," Val told him, watching her go. "At least, I think so."
The music switched off.
"I'll go see what happened, I guess," said Tyler uneasily. "Coming?"
"In a minute," said Val. "In a minute." Tyler nodded and turned. Val's eyes followed his back.
"Now," she told herself in a soft whisper, "the only question is if I'll get over it."
I fall in love too easily
I fall in love too fast
I fall in love too terribly hard
For love to ever last
The party was under way, but Val wasn't having fun at all. She supposed he was just being polite, but she disliked him talking with others.
Flirting with others.
Jealousy was vastly overestimated.
Val fought to get control and jumped when someone came up behind her and yelled "Hey!" over the music.
"Melissa!" She wasn't Tyler. Tyler was still in her view, talking to an energetic Phi Gamma named Beth. "I thought you weren't coming until eight!"
"It is eight," Melissa pointed out. "You've been staring at Tyler for an hour and a half."
"You don't know I started at six thirty," Val protested. "And I haven't been staring the whole time. I've been dancing… and talking… and getting refreshments…"
"And your eyes keep wandering towards a certain cute multimillionaire who's dancing with other girls," Melissa said.
"Only nine other girls," responded Val, trying to reassure herself. "Most of the time he's just been talking."
"But the question is… what's he talking about?" Melissa paused to let her words sneak under Val's skin. "He loves you, Val, but he can't love you forever. Are you going to tell him you love him… or are you going to stand back and watch him fall out of love with you? There's only so much time… and after five years, time is running out."
Val looked at Tyler for a minute.
"Fine," she whispered. "Fine. Time's up. And I won't run anymore."
She walked over to him, slowly but sure of what she wanted to do—now, how was she going to do it?
Melissa laughed.
"Fools," she snickered. "How do they fall out of love with each other if they haven't even entirely admitted they're in love in the first place?"
But that was all about to change—after all, Melissa Daniels wasn't a psychiatrist-in-training for nothing!
*
Tyler turned at the tug on his sleeve and met with Val's eyes.
"Hey, Val," he said, sounding surprised. "Where have you been? I haven't seen you."
"Never mind that," said Val through gritted teeth as she tried to smile at Beth. "Why don't you come with me." It wasn't a question, and she took Tyler's unspoken answer as yes as she pulled him away.
"Bye!" he said to Beth, who waved and then immediately turned to someone else and began another conversation.
"What do you want?" Tyler asked as Val tugged him into the empty kitchen and the wooden Venetian door swung shut behind her.
Val looked into his questioning eyes and instantly every thought she had of telling him she loved him flew out of her mind like a bird out a window. She wasn't ready to say it. She didn't know if he was ready to hear it. And if he left again after telling her he wouldn't… it might kill her.
Because Val knew he was going to leave—he couldn't stay in LA forever—and she didn't want him to break her heart and she didn't want to break his heart and so it was safer to just not admit it.
Except—then—her heart would break more.
Her mouth didn't seem to be listening to her head, though, because it was saying things she hadn't decided to say yet.
"Stop!" Her voice was firm. Loud. Loud enough to be heard in the kitchen, which carried the noise of the party but didn't amplify it in the silence, loud enough to be heard in the pause as her heart stopped beating, loud enough to carry to Tyler's ears and loud enough for him to hear it.
But not loud enough for him to understand what it meant.
"What?" he asked, puzzled. Val's eyes shut tightly, closed so that she couldn't see his face, grinding against her mind, which wanted her to open her eyes and look into his eyes again… open… close… open… close… open… close…
Val opened her eyes.
"Stop flirting with everyone. Stop being so nice. Stop talking. Stop it because I want to know what I'm doing. Stop it because I don't want them to like you. Stop because you're supposed to be the bad guy, the guy who broke my heart, and now you're just making them like you! Stop making them like you! Stop caring what they think!" She didn't know what she was saying, but at least her mouth hadn't issued the words "stop loving me and go home". Her eyes screwed shut again.
"I don't care what they think," Tyler said gently, pulling her eyes open with a soft voice. "I don't care what anyone thinks. I care what you think. I care about you. And I'm not going to stop caring about you. I love you, Val, and you may think I'm going to break your heart but I am going to try the hardest I possibly can not to break it. I love you and there's absolutely nothing—nothing—you can do about it."
He leaned towards her and kissed her quickly but fiercely, crossing the ultimate line and pulling away all in the same five seconds.
And then he turned and walked out the door.
Val stood there a moment, watching the door swing shut with its hypnotic grin as the music fell in and out, in and out, in… and out.
She drew herself into reality and pulled her senses together, opening the door and walking out into the party, searching for a flash of red in the crowd.
Her eyes moved towards the sound system, towards the young man talking to Jake, the DJ for the night.
Val's stomach plummeted as the familiar chords began.
She wasn't sure if she could stand this song, not now… not without Tyler right by her side to hold her. Not at this point in time… no, it was too hard. Val turned away.
But Tyler seemed to know what was wrong and even across the room he could tell it was too much for her. In just a few seconds he was by her side.
"What are you doing?" Val asked him tearfully. "First you come to LA and you make me remember exactly what I was trying to forget and then you kiss me and then you play this song! Our song! You kissed me, Tyler!"
"I'm sorry," Tyler apologized simply. "I'm sorry."
"You shouldn't have done that, Tyler," Val said, tears running down her face. She did like the kiss—of course she liked the kiss! But how was her mouth supposed to agree with her mind… with her heart? She was split down the middle and the majority of her wanted to kiss him, but for once the minority was winning and she was reprimanding him instead of kissing him.
"You're right."
"I am?" It was that easy? That easy for him to let go of it?
"I shouldn't have done it." Tyler was planning something. Val could see it in his eyes. But right now she had no idea—besides, her eyes were blurred with tears and she probably imagined it.
"You shouldn't have?" Val's heart broke. Was he going to let go of the idea entirely? She didn't want that… or did she?
"I should have done this."
She realized what he was about to do the moment his hand wrapped around the back of her neck and pulled her towards him.
He kissed her.
This wasn't as quick as the other one had been—this one was gentle and sure and told her so much. It spoke of sunlight and stars and moonlight and angels and happiness and Val was sure—instantly sure—that Tyler might leave LA, but he would never leave her. He would never break her heart again and everything was going to be fine and she wouldn't have to cry anymore. He would to sacrifice everything he could for her if she would just trust him and let him care.
She leaned forward, crushing her body against his and letting her head fall onto his shoulder, maintaining contact with his mouth as long as she possibly could without needing breath.
Except everyone needs breath sooner or later, and her lips parted slowly, her head still on his shoulder.
"I'm sorry," Tyler whispered. "I'm so sorry I broke your heart. I honestly didn't mean to… I honestly didn't want to say goodbye."
"It's okay," Val sniffled, "everything's okay now."
"I won't break your heart again," Tyler told her. "I promise I won't."
"I know." Another tear ran onto his shirt. "I know."
The song reached her, and Tyler whispered the words into her ear…
But there's nothing in this world I want more
Nobody could take me to the places she takes me
Places I've never been before
With my eyes open knowing full well
"I did it," Melissa said happily to Hank, watching the couple. "I think I actually did it."
"They were begging for help," Hank told her. "Don't credit yourself so much."
"Well… who went to Tyler's office? Me. Who told Val he loved her? Me. Who told Tyler she loved him? Me. And who was the ultimate assistant in their relationship?"
"Let me guess. You."
"Exactly," said Melissa. "So see? I did it."
"Fine," sighed Hank. "You did it."
"Thank
you."
I could fall from heaven
I could fall from heaven
I could fall
I could break
That's the chance I take
I could fall
"I've already fallen," Val told Tyler. "I fell and you caught me."
"I'm glad I caught you," said Tyler, "because now you can catch me."
Silence reigned as Val burrowed into Tyler's shoulder more deeply, burying her face in the vermilion-colored cloth and inhaling his scent.
"You want to go home?" Tyler asked tentatively. Val nodded in response. He moved his arm to around her shoulder as she straightened, taking her head off of his shoulder, leaving rapidly dissolving tears behind in her wake. Together they walked out of the party and to the limo to take them back to her apartment.
*
Walking down the hall to reach the apartment was pure torture for both of them. The silence was unbearable and the uneasiness crackled in the air like electricity before a storm—and soon the rain would come. It had been easy, caught up in the moment at the party, but now reality had settled and neither of them had any idea what would happen when the white door fell shut behind them and they were out of the public's eye.
He was so close, Val realized. All she had to do was reach out and touch him. A simple movement… but then why was it so hard?
The door opened.
Open…
close… open… close… Val intoned in her mind as she entered, letting her
eyes fall shut again. Open. Close. Open close open close open close open
close open…
The door closed.
Her eyes opened.
Tyler was looking at her worriedly.
"I won't leave you," he promised again. "I mean it. You don't have to worry."
"I've been living in reality to long to not worry," Val told him. "I'm trying to trust you, I'm trying so hard…"
"Don't force it." Tyler's eyes were still worried. She was not the only one uneasy about what might happen. "Don't force it."
Val sighed. "I'm so sorry." She went into the kitchen and retrieved a diet Coke—Melissa's favorite nonalcoholic drink. "You want a Coke?" she called out to Tyler.
"No."
Val tried to open the can with shaking fingers and didn't succeed. She concentrated and pulled the tab, but it remained securely shut. Suddenly nothing in the world mattered as much as getting that can open.
"Here."
Somewhere along the way Tyler had crept up behind her and taken the can away from her. He snapped the lid open and handed it to her.
Val started crying, tears running in torrents down her face. Tyler gently pried the aluminum that was being crushed away from her hand and wrapped his arms around her, rocking slowly.
"I can't help it," sobbed Val. "I just… I just… don't know. I've gotten so used to missing you and crying at night and now that you're here I don't know if I can stop crying. I don't know if I'm going to be able to do anything and I want to kiss you but I don't know where"—her words were coming in short, painful gasps—"in—the—world—to start!" She leaned back into his chest and cried.
"Val… look… I honestly don't know why you're crying. I'm not saying you should stop, I just don't know what's wrong. I know you inside and out—or at least I did—and I don't think you know why, either. Maybe you just need to get out some tears or maybe you're not ready for me to love you yet or maybe you just don't know what's going on. Thousands of maybes and I did promise you I'd get rid of them all, didn't I?" He was answered with a nod. "So, to begin, I know exactly where in the world to start."
"And that would be…?"
"Right here."
Tyler kissed her, not stopping the soothing rock except to wind his arms more tightly around her body.
"That better?" he asked, smoothing her hair and balancing his lips on her head.
"Yeah."
"I'm still falling," he informed her, "and now might be a good time to catch."
Val smiled.
"Fine. I'll catch you. Tell me when to try." He paused a moment.
"Right about now."
She kissed him quickly and stepped away.
"Hold on a sec. I've got an idea."
The CD was in the player… Melissa had probably planned this out exactly. Val flicked the switch and heard Tyler laugh.
"You have a one-track mind."
"You're lucky I have a one-track CD," pointed out Val. Tyler grinned.
"Very
true."
Look at me I'm flying
Just a breath away from dying
Holding onto her and letting go
As I walk across this wire above a lake of fire
And lean into the wind that starts to blow
With my eyes open knowing full well
2:48.
Again.
"Tyler?" The voice was soft and carried in the wind of the window that was cracked open to let in the warm Californian night air.
Tyler woke from his half-sleep and sat up.
"What's wrong?"
Something had to be wrong. Val was standing in the doorway, a tear staining her cheek. Tyler had thought he had made all the tears go away, but looking at the suddenly fragile figure in the door, pale from the light of the moon, he hadn't. A ratty stuffed bear, tattered from years of use, hung from her hand by one arm, forlornly dangling.
"I had a dream," she choked.
"A dream that would unite all people?" inquired Tyler with a grin, trying to cheer her up.
"A dream that you left… and I was alone. And you didn't care about my feelings and you said you didn't care and then you boarded the plane and didn't even say goodbye."
Tyler's smile faded as he looked at Val's troubled eyes and the tears threatening to course down her face.
"Come here," he said roughly as he motioned towards the empty place on the bed and edged over to give her more room. Val hesitated before sitting down gingerly on the mattress.
"I wouldn't leave you," Tyler told her again. "I wouldn't. And I would always say goodbye and I would always care. Always."
"I know," Val said, "but it scared me, Tyler. It really did. I don't want you to go."
"I don't want to go, either. See? We've reached a traffic cone." Val laughed at the expression the squad had coined after the traffic cone incident. "I don't want to leave and you don't want me to go. There's only one answer."
"What?"
"I don't go."
Val looked at him, searching his eyes before coming to a conclusion. "You've got to go."
"You're right," sighed Tyler, leaning back. "I have to see what it's like to live without you again. I could stay forever, but we have to let me leave. I have to leave to make sure it won't break either of our hearts."
"That didn't make any sense," Val said slowly. "But I understood. And you're right."
"I'll be back as soon as I can," Tyler told her. "As soon as I possibly can."
"I'll be waiting."
"So, anyway, I like your bear. Is that the one I gave you?" Tyler rapidly changed the subject. It would hurt too much to discuss going when he had only really come back not even six hours ago.
"Yeah." Val picked the bear up and squinted at it. "It's named Albert."
Tyler cracked up. "Albert the Elbow the Second."
"Exactly."
"I missed you," he said, putting an arm around her shoulder and pulling her down to the bed so that he was looking directly into her eyes.
"I missed you, too," she replied. "I missed you a lot."
He kissed her and pulled her to him, his arms winding around her frame.
"Night, Val."
"Night."
Do I hide my heart? Do I lock my door?
Do I tear it out so it don't feel no more?
No, I risk it all knowing that I could fall from heaven
I could fall from heaven
I could fall
I could fall
I could fall
I could fall
Fall, fall
Nope, that's not the end. One more chapter and this story
is done and I continue work on For The Gold. So… did you enjoy? This one
was *gasp double gasp* eleven pages long. Whew. That's a lot of typing.
So! To the disclaimers! The first song belongs to Björk/Frank Sinatra. I originally found the song under Björk, but searching for the lyrics I found the song (plus some extra lyrics at the beginning) under Frank Sinatra. So… yeah. I Fall In Love Too Easily belongs to them. I Could Fall (Tyler and Val's special song *sob*) belongs to Evan and Jaron. Yay, Evan and Jaron.
Erm… characters belong to Disney and Alliance Atlantis. Melissa belongs to me, Dana/Beth/Dana's crush on Tyler/plot/story belong to me. Hip, hip, hooray! I have at least some things that belong to me. Bye!
~Ivy Leaves
P.S. – Special side note from me to you: Has anyone
noticed that in real life, Danso Gordon goes to UCLA, and in this story Hank
goes to UCLA? Hmm… my mind does strange things without telling me, as Ray
Bradbury says (well, kind of) in the Afterword of Fahrenheit 451 (Which is one
of the best books in the world and if you haven't read it, definitely read it
and the movie stinks! I mean, Mildred's name isn't Linda and Clarisse isn't twenty
and the people who made the movie are retards. *grumbles extensively* Okay, I'm
done now.) All right. Ramblings are done. Except—has anyone noticed (yeah,
again) that Melissa Andrea Daniels's initials are MAD? Hmm… actually, I planned
that. Okay, I'm done and whoever can guess at the three most frequently used
themes in this and previous chapters gets brownie points and maybe a mention in
last chapter! Bye!
