Where is Lucy Knight?
AUTHOR:
Kovacsgirl
E-MAIL:
kovacsgirl@yahoo.com
CATEGORY:
Lucy Knight
RATING:
PG-13, maybe R
SPOILERS:
Season 6.
ARCHIVE:
E-mail me if you want this for your site.
DISCLAIMER:
I DO NOT OWN ER!!!
AUTHOR'S NOTES:
I came up with this one while reading "Girl Interrupted."
SUMMARY:
What if Lucy survived and Carter didn't?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
We all wonder exactly how it came about. And no one really knows for sure. Dr. Deraad thinks it was during my recovery. But that's assuming I had a recovery, of which I'm not convinced. Kerry figures it was while I was working, and there was no Carter around. I got lonely, and then I broke. I don't agree. It began on Valentine's Day, 2000. They day we were stabbed. Everyone was certain we would both make it through. Or, if anyone would die, it would be me. That wasn't what happened. Carter died. I survived. So that leads us back to our original question. How did it happen? Well, after the stabbing, the first think I remember is Elizabeth leaning over me and telling me that I had lost my spleen. Maybe that's what sent me over the top. A missing spleen. A scapegoat. No, that's not it. Well, Elizabeth was going to go into another surgery when I went into PEA, then I passed out. I awoke to find that I was in the post-op and Carter had died. That's the first thing she told me. "Lucy, Carter… Well, he didn't make it." She went on to tell me about myself. But I didn't care. I didn't even listen to her. All I could think was "Carter's dead, Carter's dead, Carter's dead…" but then it occurred to me:
No. He's not dead. I am. I'm imagining this. Maybe I'm not out of surgery yet. Or maybe I'm dead. Yes I'm dead.
I think, no I believe that that moment was the time when I broke. I knew then, it was all over.
That was wrong too. The hours turned to days, days to weeks, and weeks to months. And I hadn't woken up yet. What I had told myself was a lie. Carter was totally gone. And I wasn't. It wasn't right. He was innocent. I was not. He came in there because of me. He was attack because of me. Guilt. A nasty word. To those who have it. And those who don't. Those who have it, suffer from it. It's an illness. One could even go so far as to say it's a mental illness. It's painful, and no one wants it. To those who don't, they think of those who have it, people like me.
Things when down hill when I came back to work. I was on meds, but never took them. Sometimes I wonder if they could have been my salvation. Probably not. Unless they were to null the second "me" that was developing. Things at work deteriorated, changed. First it was the lights. The lights changed colors. Sometimes they were their normal color. Other times they were fluorescent orange, or green, or pink. Sometimes they were neon colors. At first they changes slowly, and I didn't notice, but later they flashed before my eyes and gave me migraines. Sometimes nausea. Next, it was voices. Luka's was Kerry's, Dave's was Benton's, and Deb's was Romano's. They changed on me, and they twisted and turned on me. Soon, I couldn't tell Luka from Kerry or anyone from anyone else. They were a chaotic mess. My consternation at the voice changes is what drove Kerry to refer me. Next, were the voices, in my head. They spoke to me. Some were calming, others infuriating. They all were double-crossing, telling me how to do my job wrong. I couldn't stand them. And Kerry sent me to Deraad.
He was nice about it all, but quick. Kerry had already told him about me. He just saw me and decided I needed to get out of there.
"You need to see someone about those migraines," he said slyly. He didn't want to tell me the truth.
"Yeah." He was right. Maybe I would ask Deb to look me over after the interview.
"And that nausea."
"Yeah." Why did this seem familiar? "Maybe it's meningitis." The voices kicked in again.
*What? You're agreeing with him? He wants you locked up!
*No, you're fine Luce. He's concerned.
*He's a fucking psychiatrist! He'll lock you up faster than you can say your name!
*No. No, no, no!!! You're fine. Don't believe it.
Yeah, he's concerned, that's all. But still one had to wonder…
"Perhaps," he said, looking over a chart. Why do psychiatrists scare me? "Miss Knight---"
"Doctor," I reminded him. I was a doctor now. I probably shouldn't have been, but go figure. I hate when people forget my title.
"Doctor Knight, I think you need to see someone else."
That's all he said. Kerry went with me later to the hospital, but I never was told by Deraad. In later years, I found Kerry was primarily responsible for my hospitalization, imprisonment, use your own term.
It's Poetic Justice.
They always say schizophrenia is non-communicable. I guess they were wrong.
********************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************
Okay, I had to put this poll on here, 'cause I can't file it seperatly. So, please vote!!!!!
FOR KOVACSGIRL'S NEXT COMEDY FIC, IT SHOULD BE...
QUESTION(1):
(1) ER SURVIVOR! (GO TO 2)
(2) A SHAKESPEARE PLAY (GO TO 3)
(3) AN ANDREW LLOYD WEBBER PLAY (GO TO 4)
(4) A TRIP TO TRANSYLVANIA, COMPLETE WITH VAMPIRES.
(5) DISNEYLAND AGAIN!
(6) ANOTHER TRAVEL FIC, NOT ONE OF THE TWO MENTIONED ABOVE.
(7) SOMETHING REMINICENT OF "RAMBLINGS"
(8) OTHER (WHAT?)
(9) KOVACSGIRL SHOULD QUIT TRYING THIS PATHETIC COMEDY
(10) COMEDY? GIVE ME SOME MORE ANGST PLEASE!
(11) WHATEVER HAPPENED TO LUKA'S HARMONY?
(12) WHY AM I TAKING THIS POLL? I HATE ER!
(13) WE WANT DR. DAVE'S HISTORY 101!!!
QUESTION(2):
IF YOU CHOSE (1)
WHERE SHOULD THE LOCATION BE...
(1) AUSTRALIA, LIKE SURVIVOR II
(2) THE AMAZON
(3) ANTARCTICA
(4) COUNTY GENERAL HOSPITAL
(5) THE CARTER'S MANSION
(6) OTHER (WHAT?)
QUESTION (3):
IF YOU CHOSE (2)
THE PLAY SHOULD BE...
(1) TAMING OF THE SHREW
(2) ROMEO AND JULIET
(3) THE MERCHANT OF VENICE
(4) HAMLET
(5) MIDSUMMER'S NIGHT DREAM
(6) TWO GENTLEMEN OF VERONA
(7) OTHELLO
(8) OTHER (WHAT?)
QUESTION (4):
IF YOU CHOSE (3)
THE PLAY SHOULD BE...
(1) SUNSET BOULEVARD
(2) CATS
(3) THE PHANTOM OF THE OPERA
(4) JESUS CHRIST SUPERSTAR
(5) JOSEPH AND THE AMAZING TECHNICOLOR COAT
(6) EVITA
(7) OTHER (WHAT?)
PLEASE VOTE BY E-MAILING ME AT KOVACSGIRL@YAHOO.COM OR IF YOU ARE USING FANFICTION.NET, PLEASE POST YOUR CHOICES IN THE REVIEW SECTION.
THANKS!
AUTHOR:
Kovacsgirl
E-MAIL:
kovacsgirl@yahoo.com
CATEGORY:
Lucy Knight
RATING:
PG-13, maybe R
SPOILERS:
Season 6.
ARCHIVE:
E-mail me if you want this for your site.
DISCLAIMER:
I DO NOT OWN ER!!!
AUTHOR'S NOTES:
I came up with this one while reading "Girl Interrupted."
SUMMARY:
What if Lucy survived and Carter didn't?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
We all wonder exactly how it came about. And no one really knows for sure. Dr. Deraad thinks it was during my recovery. But that's assuming I had a recovery, of which I'm not convinced. Kerry figures it was while I was working, and there was no Carter around. I got lonely, and then I broke. I don't agree. It began on Valentine's Day, 2000. They day we were stabbed. Everyone was certain we would both make it through. Or, if anyone would die, it would be me. That wasn't what happened. Carter died. I survived. So that leads us back to our original question. How did it happen? Well, after the stabbing, the first think I remember is Elizabeth leaning over me and telling me that I had lost my spleen. Maybe that's what sent me over the top. A missing spleen. A scapegoat. No, that's not it. Well, Elizabeth was going to go into another surgery when I went into PEA, then I passed out. I awoke to find that I was in the post-op and Carter had died. That's the first thing she told me. "Lucy, Carter… Well, he didn't make it." She went on to tell me about myself. But I didn't care. I didn't even listen to her. All I could think was "Carter's dead, Carter's dead, Carter's dead…" but then it occurred to me:
No. He's not dead. I am. I'm imagining this. Maybe I'm not out of surgery yet. Or maybe I'm dead. Yes I'm dead.
I think, no I believe that that moment was the time when I broke. I knew then, it was all over.
That was wrong too. The hours turned to days, days to weeks, and weeks to months. And I hadn't woken up yet. What I had told myself was a lie. Carter was totally gone. And I wasn't. It wasn't right. He was innocent. I was not. He came in there because of me. He was attack because of me. Guilt. A nasty word. To those who have it. And those who don't. Those who have it, suffer from it. It's an illness. One could even go so far as to say it's a mental illness. It's painful, and no one wants it. To those who don't, they think of those who have it, people like me.
Things when down hill when I came back to work. I was on meds, but never took them. Sometimes I wonder if they could have been my salvation. Probably not. Unless they were to null the second "me" that was developing. Things at work deteriorated, changed. First it was the lights. The lights changed colors. Sometimes they were their normal color. Other times they were fluorescent orange, or green, or pink. Sometimes they were neon colors. At first they changes slowly, and I didn't notice, but later they flashed before my eyes and gave me migraines. Sometimes nausea. Next, it was voices. Luka's was Kerry's, Dave's was Benton's, and Deb's was Romano's. They changed on me, and they twisted and turned on me. Soon, I couldn't tell Luka from Kerry or anyone from anyone else. They were a chaotic mess. My consternation at the voice changes is what drove Kerry to refer me. Next, were the voices, in my head. They spoke to me. Some were calming, others infuriating. They all were double-crossing, telling me how to do my job wrong. I couldn't stand them. And Kerry sent me to Deraad.
He was nice about it all, but quick. Kerry had already told him about me. He just saw me and decided I needed to get out of there.
"You need to see someone about those migraines," he said slyly. He didn't want to tell me the truth.
"Yeah." He was right. Maybe I would ask Deb to look me over after the interview.
"And that nausea."
"Yeah." Why did this seem familiar? "Maybe it's meningitis." The voices kicked in again.
*What? You're agreeing with him? He wants you locked up!
*No, you're fine Luce. He's concerned.
*He's a fucking psychiatrist! He'll lock you up faster than you can say your name!
*No. No, no, no!!! You're fine. Don't believe it.
Yeah, he's concerned, that's all. But still one had to wonder…
"Perhaps," he said, looking over a chart. Why do psychiatrists scare me? "Miss Knight---"
"Doctor," I reminded him. I was a doctor now. I probably shouldn't have been, but go figure. I hate when people forget my title.
"Doctor Knight, I think you need to see someone else."
That's all he said. Kerry went with me later to the hospital, but I never was told by Deraad. In later years, I found Kerry was primarily responsible for my hospitalization, imprisonment, use your own term.
It's Poetic Justice.
They always say schizophrenia is non-communicable. I guess they were wrong.
********************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************
Okay, I had to put this poll on here, 'cause I can't file it seperatly. So, please vote!!!!!
FOR KOVACSGIRL'S NEXT COMEDY FIC, IT SHOULD BE...
QUESTION(1):
(1) ER SURVIVOR! (GO TO 2)
(2) A SHAKESPEARE PLAY (GO TO 3)
(3) AN ANDREW LLOYD WEBBER PLAY (GO TO 4)
(4) A TRIP TO TRANSYLVANIA, COMPLETE WITH VAMPIRES.
(5) DISNEYLAND AGAIN!
(6) ANOTHER TRAVEL FIC, NOT ONE OF THE TWO MENTIONED ABOVE.
(7) SOMETHING REMINICENT OF "RAMBLINGS"
(8) OTHER (WHAT?)
(9) KOVACSGIRL SHOULD QUIT TRYING THIS PATHETIC COMEDY
(10) COMEDY? GIVE ME SOME MORE ANGST PLEASE!
(11) WHATEVER HAPPENED TO LUKA'S HARMONY?
(12) WHY AM I TAKING THIS POLL? I HATE ER!
(13) WE WANT DR. DAVE'S HISTORY 101!!!
QUESTION(2):
IF YOU CHOSE (1)
WHERE SHOULD THE LOCATION BE...
(1) AUSTRALIA, LIKE SURVIVOR II
(2) THE AMAZON
(3) ANTARCTICA
(4) COUNTY GENERAL HOSPITAL
(5) THE CARTER'S MANSION
(6) OTHER (WHAT?)
QUESTION (3):
IF YOU CHOSE (2)
THE PLAY SHOULD BE...
(1) TAMING OF THE SHREW
(2) ROMEO AND JULIET
(3) THE MERCHANT OF VENICE
(4) HAMLET
(5) MIDSUMMER'S NIGHT DREAM
(6) TWO GENTLEMEN OF VERONA
(7) OTHELLO
(8) OTHER (WHAT?)
QUESTION (4):
IF YOU CHOSE (3)
THE PLAY SHOULD BE...
(1) SUNSET BOULEVARD
(2) CATS
(3) THE PHANTOM OF THE OPERA
(4) JESUS CHRIST SUPERSTAR
(5) JOSEPH AND THE AMAZING TECHNICOLOR COAT
(6) EVITA
(7) OTHER (WHAT?)
PLEASE VOTE BY E-MAILING ME AT KOVACSGIRL@YAHOO.COM OR IF YOU ARE USING FANFICTION.NET, PLEASE POST YOUR CHOICES IN THE REVIEW SECTION.
THANKS!
