Crossroads, Part II
By: Adrienne
Spoilers: Through "Rampage"
Abby lay in bed, listening to the rain fall. She looked to the other side of the bed, but it was empty; she wasn't used to that. For the past few months Luka had always been at her side, and now, without him, it was difficult to sleep, to feel safe. It was funny how he had become such a part of her life without her realizing it. Abby wondered where he was.
It was past midnight now, and she was still awake, thinking. Thinking about Luka, thinking about Carter, thinking about what Mark had said to her that evening. It had certainly been an eventful day. There had been a shooting, two men had said they were in love with her, she and Luka fought, and she had been given advice by a very unlikely person.
Abby wondered what the exact reason was for her not wanting to go back to medical school. Well, she didn't want the hours, that's for sure. Then there was the money, the pressure and the stress, all things she could do without. When Abby had been a med student, she dreaded going into the hospital every morning; now, as a nurse, it wasn't so bad. She still helped people, but she wasn't the one in charge of saving the patients' lives.
Abby's mind wandered to her conversation with her mother, the night before she left. That night had shaken Abby, and made her think about what she really wanted in life. Now that Richard was out of the picture and she had Luka, would she ever want to get married again? Maybe, but not for a while. Abby knew Luka wanted children, but did she? The first time she was pregnant, she had been too scared. Would the future be any different? Deep in her heart, she knew the answer to that question, but was afraid. There were all the "what ifs?" that haunted Abby and prevented her from doing what she really wanted.
Abby realized that her entire life she had been taking care of other people's problems, but never her own. She had always tried to make everyone else happy, and in doing that, prevented her own happiness. But now it was different, because there was someone who wanted to take care of her, and make her happy. And she had pushed him away.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Luka walked through the hallway to the door of Abby's apartment with some trepidation. She had said she wanted to be alone tonight, but then again this was something they needed to get through, and the sooner, the better. He knocked on the door, hoping she was still awake.
Abby heard soft knocking, and reached for her bathrobe. Her heart raced, knowing who it was before she even opened the door.
"Hi," Luka said when they were face to face.
"Hi."
"Did I wake you?" he asked nervously.
"No, I couldn't sleep," she told him. "Come in."
"I'm sorry for coming over so late," Luka apologized when they were seated at opposite ends of her couch.
"I'm glad you did…there are things we need to talk about…I really want to apologize for the way I acted about the application. I know you were just trying to help."
"Why won't you let me?" Luka asked, still hurt.
"Luka…I just don't know how to tell you."
Luka sighed," Why can't you talk to me? Why is it that you tell Carter how you feel but can't confide in me for anything?"
"It's…it's just too hard."
"Abby, no one ever said relationships were easy, you should know that more than anybody!"
"You know what, Luka? That's the exact reason that I want to take this slow. Because I've been through this before, and I know how people can change."
"I'm not Richard. I would never cheat on you, or hurt you, or do any of the things that he did to you."
"I know," she replied quietly.
"Then what are you so scared of?"
"There's always that chance…the chance that someday you'll realize who I really am, what I can be like…and you'll leave."
"I know who you are. You're beautiful and smart, you love your work…and something happened that's keeping you from opening up and trusting me."
"Those are only the good things. I'm an alcoholic, I have an awful temper, I'm a failure as a med student."
"Abby, I'm not going to leave you…what is this all really about?"
"What do you mean?"
"I mean, what made you change your mind about med school? Why this sudden change of heart?"
"I don't know if it's what I want anymore," she told him simply.
"What do you want?"
"I…I don't know…" Luka sighed and moved over next to Abby, wrapping his arms around her. "Things are just different now."
"How are they different?" he asked.
"…When I started med school, my marriage was falling apart. I was unhappy and I had no idea what I wanted to do in life. Going back to school was the logical answer. I could help other people, and not have to face the void in my personal life…but, now you're here."
"But you're still unhappy, Abby," Luka told her softly. "Just tell me something and I'll do it. Do you want commitment? A house? Marriage? Children?"
"Children?" she asked, in barely a whisper.
"Do you want children?"
"Do you?"
"Yes," he said certainly.
"…Luka, I'm going to tell you something, and I have to do it now because if I don't, I might not ever get the courage to do it."
"Okay," he said, a little nervous of what she was going to say.
"When I was married to Richard…I…I found out I was pregnant…I never told him because I was too scared—not of his reaction but…what if the baby turned out to be bipolar? Or what if I was, but the disease just hadn't shown itself yet?…I could never put a baby through a childhood like mine…I just couldn't risk it…so I had an abortion."
Luka sat there, a shocked expression on his face. "Now do you hate me?" she asked through tears.
He embraced her again. "Shh…I don't hate you, Abby. How could you think I would? I meant what I said before. I love you, and I would do anything to make you happy. I'll tell you that a million times over if I have to just to make you believe it…You would be a wonderful mother, Abby, I know you would be."
"You don't care about what I did before? That I killed my own baby?"
"Abby, all that matters is right now. I don't care about the past, only that you're in my arms right now."
Abby felt her heart swell, knowing that he meant every word. "I love you," she whispered, saying it out loud to him for the first time.
"I love you, too," he said pulling her into a kiss, which grew more passionate with each passing moment. Luka picked Abby up, and carried her into the bedroom.
That night as they made love, both knew they still had a long journey ahead of them, but found peace in their hearts, because they had met at the crossroads and chosen the same path.
