Attack on Titan Season 1 in a Nutshell:
Narrator: on that fateful day, humanity received a grim reminder... That this scene has been parodied so much that nobody can take it seriously anymore.
Eren: The Titans, they're all gonna eat us like we're cattle! The walls aren't going to keep us safe forever!
Mikasa: But we have walls so we don't need to worry, now come on, let's gather shitty wood!
Eren: shit! Wow! The scouts! That's so cool!
Mikasa: shut it Eren, you're dense *slap* also I'm in love with you!
Eren: go fuck off Mikasa! I don't like you like that!
Mikasa: *sad friendzone noises*
Eren: Oh hey Armin, oh shit he's getting punched by bullies! Hey bullies! Fuck off! And leave Armin alone! I guess.
Armin: I wanna go to the ocean and see the world! Look at this book. Its about Ghandi!
Eren: who the hell is Ghandi?
Armin: the god of war!
Eren: shuddup, no one cares Armin!
Armin: all around me are familiar faces!
Fan: come on Eren, don't diss your friend like that!
Eren: Now what about the wall Hans?
Hans: don't worry Eren, there's no way in hell they're gonna break through the front door...*literally one fucking minute later*... well damn I spoke too soon. Well whatever, I'm just gonna get drunk anyway! Bye!
Everyone: oh no! The Titans broke through the wall!
Eren: Well, as long as my mom doesn't die I'm fine!
Titan: *smashes his house*
Mom: oh my god, Eren!
Eren: oh no the Titans, they're gonna eat my mom!
Hans: I'm gonna help you save your mom.*a few moments later*
Eren: My mom is crushed under the house, we gotta save her!
Hans: Yeah no, I'm drunk so I have this dumb idea, let's run away!
Eren: Wha?
Mom: oh my fucking god, I'm about to die right now, Fuck u Hans!
Eren: Yeah, Fuck u Hans! You're the worst!
Hans picks Eren up and starts running. Then Eren watches his mom getting eaten by a giant female titan.*
Eren: Why did you let my mom die you BASTARD!
Hans: I'm sorry Okay! I only have a secret technique of running away!
Eren: Did you just make a Jo-jo's reference?
Hans: What the hell are you talking about Eren, your mom just died! There's no time for a Jo-jo's reference!
Eren: It was a Jo-Jo's reference!
Hans: alright okay! I was making a Jo-jo's reference!
Mikasa: What the hell is going on! *flashback ends*
Everyone watching: it's the intro song, cool! This part is German, ba da da Yeager!... nailed it! The rest of the song is in Japanese, shit! YEAGAR! Nailed it! *theme song ends*
Military officer: Listen up Maggots, I'm gonna teach you maggots about working out.
Soldier: But sir, isn't the point of being in the military about fighting and killing titans...
Military Officer: yes well, you see, there's no point in it cuz all ninety percent of us are all probably gonna die anyways, but at least with this fitness training we'll at least look fit when we die... now stand tall and give me twenty! *a few moments later*
Eren: Reiner, Bertholdt. How the hell are you guys all so good at exercising?
Reiner and Bertholdt: Well shit I don't know! Maybe it's just because you suck!
Eren: Oh you wanna go?
Armin: hey look Eren! I did it!
Eren: Wait really? Even a wimp like Armin can do it?
Reiner and Bertholdt: By the way we're the Titans who ate your mom!
Eren: wait what?
Reiner and Bertholdt: Yeah dude but you won't know this until season two so, yeah see ya!
Eren: oh cool, I'm gonna forget you even existed until you tell me this again in season two heh!
Military Officer: Now tell me about yourselves!
Eren: Uh hi, I'm Eren, and my goal is that I'm gonna kill every last Titan for revenge against what they did to my mom!
Reiner and Bertholdt just stare at each other and try to pretend like they don't know what's going on*
Military Officer: shut up Eren, no one cares! Now, Next, tell me your name!
Armin: hi, I'm Armin, and I want to become a soldier so I can fulfill my dream of going beyond the walls with my friend Eren!
Military Officer: you stupid!
Armin: no, I got it from this book, it's about this man who was trying to wipe out an entire group of people in order to create a world order! It was very inspirational and he reminded me a lot of Eren, so we decided that we would wipe out the titans and see the ocean!
Military Officer: what is this book called?
Armin: it's called... Mein Kampf!
Military Officer: ooookay then, anyway girl, tell me about yourself.
Annie: hi I'm a blonde girl who's totally not the female titan or anything, I also have a great ass.
Armin: oh Annie you're so hot! Please Attack... on Titan... my ass! *winks*
Military Officer: shut up Armin! No one cares!
Armin: all around me are familiar faces!
Annie: I don't know, I think that joke was really hot!
Armin: hell yeah!
Connie: hi I'm Connie, I eat glue and shit! I'm also an asshole!
Military Officer: fuck you to hell and back Connie, no one cares.
Thomas: I'm gonna be forgotten.
Military Officer: I don't have anything to say about that, so bye!
Marco: Uh hi, my name is Marco and I dislike the thought of getting eaten by Titans! Im only here to serve the king, because of serving country reasons. I'M GONNA BE ALIVE, I PROMISE... KINDA! Um never mind!
Military Officer: you're a good kid Marco, I'm sure you'll live a long fruitful life. *foreshadowing intensifies!*
Fans: too soon!
Jean: My name is Jean, I think Mikasa is hot, I'm also obsessed with horses! And I will be an important chara-
Eren: Shut up Jean, or John, or whatever the fuckin' hell your name is, don't come back here until you're a main character! Also fuck you she's not yours!
Jean: *sad music plays* Oh wait, I have screen time. But wait, does that mean Mikasa's yours?
Eren: I'm just kind of a fuck boy, Mikasa is just a friend.
Mikasa: *sad friendzone noises* but you gave me your red scarf, I still wear it, I'm also your bodyguard! Also you fucked me!*flashback*
Eren: hey Mikasa! Oh shit you're being bondaged!
Guy: hey kid get outta here, she's our prostitute don't get near up's or I'll kill you!
Eren: I'm gonna kill you! *stabby stab*
Guy: how dare you do that! He was my best friend!
Eren: oh shit I'm getting choked!
Guy: I'm gonna kill you!
Eren: kill him Mikasa, please!
Mikasa: die die die!
Guy: *is dead*
Mikasa: you saved me, thank you.
Eren: yeah of course! Hey, uh I'll take you home, you'll live with me now okay.
Mikasa: thank you eren!
Eren: also, here's a scarf! Don't want you to get cold.
Mikasa: you are now my senpai!
Eren: wait what!
A few years later:
Eren: oh Mikasa, harder! *end of flashback*
Eren: eh, I don't care about you really, you were good I guess! But anyways back to you Jean, you're stealing Mikasa from me, this is gonna get ugly!
Jean: But why are you fighting me for her if you don't love her.
Eren: because trigger...
Jean: oh okay... that makes sense.
Everyone: no it doesn't.
Mikasa: wow Eren! You're a little shit!
Jean: Okay let's fight! We shall now punch each other. *Eren and Jean continuously punch each other for half an hour*
Jean: I'm so underrated as a character, I have barely any screen time!
Marco: don't worry about your screen time Jean, you're my main character!
Jean: shut up Marco, come back when you're not a disposable character.
Fans: too soon!
Military Officer: congratulations everyone on graduating you are all officially certified cannon fodder! Except you Armin... for some reason... it's literally just cuz I don't like you.
Armin: wow captain! FUCK YOU! I'm the smartest out of all y'all!
Military Officer: eyes up here men! I'm talking here, Jean you were saying.
Marco: I actually haven't finished what I was saying, can I, uh, do that real quick.
Military Officer: fine whatever, just make it quick.
Marco: So Yeah, the army rations are so bad that I eat pieces of wood from off of trees and also grass because I'm hungry from being in the military! We don't even have any flour left!
Soldier: at least you can eat that tree bark, I can't physically allow myself to do it! We're all gonna fucking die!
Sasha: *eats a potato*
Everyone: *looks at Sasha*
Military Officer: YOU'RE... EATING... A... POTATO???
Everyone attacks her for the potato*
a few weeks later*
Eren: I will never rest until every Titan is massacred by my hands! I SHALL SHOWER IN THEIR BLOOD AND SMILE IN THEIR DEMISE! I SHALL DRINK THEIR BLOOD AND I SHALL ENJOY IT!
Mikasa: Is he still going?
Armin: yep... he is!
Eren: *cackles like a psycho* I SHALL KILL EVERY LAST ONE OF THEM AND ENJOY IT, I'LL EAT THEIR HEADS FOR DINNER! *cackles like a psycho again* THEIR EYES WILL BE SO SWEET WITH SUGAR ON THEM!
Armin: Oh my god Eren, IT'S BEEN FIVE FUCKING GODDAMN YEARS AGO, JUST SHUT THE FUCKIN' HELL UP, NO ONE CARES!...
Dude: Oh hey! You like Titans?
Mikasa: Oh Shit here we go again!
Eren: No fuck ''em all! I will never forgive! AND I WILL NEVER SUBMIT!
a few moments later*
Eren: Hey ya know Annie, you literally have strength just like a Titan!
Annie: yeah well that's cuz I'm actually a Titan shifter, I can change into a Titan, ya know.
Eren: Oh you're funny, you got me. You know why I like you, because of how much you make me laugh.
Annie: It wasn't a joke, Eren, ya know what! *continuously kicks Eren in the balls*
Eren: Yes, more! Deeper! Smash it! Harder! Yeah! *moans weirdly*
Annie: What the fuck. What are you doing with your tongue... ya know what, I'm done bye!
Eren: What no! Just a few more minutes!
Annie: nope, bye weirdo!
Eren: Well shit, I'm in a bad mood now!
a few minutes later*
Eren: I now have enough weapons to kill the Titans!
Mikasa: Last time I checked, having an edgy personality isn't actually a weapon!
Eren: don't listen to her, those stupid Titans don't stand a chance against me! *turns around after hearing a noise* Colossal Titan is that you? *sees collosal's not there* that would've been stupid! Good thing I got this thing, nothing can defeat me! Even if he was there! Heh!
Colossal Titan: why don't you say that shit to my face again you little bitch!
Eren: oh shit I did not see you there! Uh, I shall defeat you or something! *anime screaming*
Old man: the Titans have invaded. Oh no, whatever shall we do!
Eren: Looks like we're gonna fight Titans!
Jean: I'm kinda afraid of the thought of fighting Titans!
Eren: I disagree with your sentiment there!
Mikasa: Why the hell are we all shouting?
Eren: I don't know, isn't this how we're supposed to communicate in this goddamn show? *anime screaming*
Sasha: ...Potato!
Eren: I shall avenge Thomas, just some guy who got eaten, I don't know. *Titan eats Eren's leg* Oh my god that really hurts!
Armin: holy fuck everyone's dead! Oh my god, I can't move. I'm petrified by fear. Eren's leg has just been bitten off.
Eren: oh my god Armin, don't just stand there do something. Oh shit it's a titan! Armin move! NOOOOOO!
Armin: oh no, Eren help! I'm getting eaten by a Titan. Save me! Oh fuck my arm!
Eren: Oh Shit! I shall save you Armin. This is the day when I'm gonna be remembered!
Marco: I'm cut in half!
Eren: Oh my God! Marco! We can see half your skeleton bro!
Marco: Yeah, I know! The foreshadowing killed me! Also it was because I was the Military Officer's favorite, he should've known not to give me personal treatment, cuz if this world taught me anything, favorites always die!
Eren: Yeah Um, that's sad and all Marco but I need to kinda save Armin cuz he's getting eaten by the Titan so yeah, bye...
Armin: guys I just almost died! *sees his bloody arm and screams*
Eren: Oh yeah right, except for me!
Armin: Eren stop talking.
Eren: cuz I'm the main character.
Armin: EREN! Stop it, stop talking!
Eren: I'm going to go to the sea with you one day Armin, just you wait!
Armin: stop it! Stop talking!
Eren: Oh shit my arm!
Armin: oh my god, he's dead! He was a pawn in my scheme to rule the world. But I planned on dedicating kingdoms to him as soon as I became supreme ruler. But my faithful pawn is dead, my grasp on him is no longer, how am I going to kill the titans now?
Mikasa: Oh my Fucking god Eren! CAN YOU FUCKING STOP GETTING EATEN ALREADY!
Armin: Eren, he's dead! *Bawls.* now my empire has fallen!
Mikasa: yeah I know!
Armin: wait about his death, or my plan to become a psychotic dictator and give you and him kingdoms.
Mikasa: about his death stupid!
Connie: Wait a minute, are you just gonna ignore his plan to become a dictator? You're ignoring me, okay...
Armin: Wait, why don't you seem to care, he is your brother/boyfriend right!
Mikasa: He's not my boyfriend... yet!
Armin: So gross!
Mikasa: Do you want to know why I love him so much!
Armin: no, I couldn't care less, to be honest. Shouldn't we be focusing on I don't know, saving his life?
Flashback*
Past Eren: Here Mikasa, have this pointless shitty red scarf.
Past Mikasa: oh my god he gave me his scarf, now we're bound by fate to have babies together! Maybe if I keep wearing this scarf then he might finally notice me, and we'll get married, and have a bunch of kids!
end of Flashback*
Mikasa: And that's why I love him so much. Even though he, like... killed some dude for me when he was six or something, but I don't give a shit cuz I'm gonna marry him some day!
Armin: I don't care about your damn love life Mikasa.
Reiner: hey guys, like... Erens dead! Damn!
Bertholdt: yeah, what a real tragedy!
Armin: yeah and I'm super depressed right now... Wait, what a minute, what's that? Is that an Emo titan? Interesting.
Mikasa: What the hell? Why is there a Titan fighting other Titans? Hmmm, he has a chiseled chest!
Connie: Mikasa, why!
Mikasa: oh so it's okay for you to talk about girls, I'm just supposed to accept it even though I feel weird. But when I finally talk about a guy, it's suddenly not okay.
Connie: Yeah, because those girls are humans! Not titans.
Mikasa: Really, you're telling me that if a female Titan wanted to bang you, you wouldn't be interested, because they're a Titan?
Connie: Yeah, of course. Because they're titans!
Mikasa: it's not like I got any other options, who am I supposed to love? You Connie?
Connie: I want you though!
Mikasa: And I want that titan!
Armin: I want to bang a female Titan!
Connie: uhm. Okay? Weird, but that's nothing new for you. That doesn't matter, Nobody wants to bang a Titan but you Mikasa.
Armin: I don't know about that Connie. I for one, sound very interested in a giant woman bent on eating me alive, banging me.
Connie: I'm surrounded by psychos!
Mikasa: Who do you think the Titan is?
Armin: It's Eren!
Jean: Eren! It's obvious!
Connie: yeah, it's obviously Eren, who else could it possibly be. *Titan transforms back into a human*
Armin: Oh wow! It's actually Eren, who would've thought.
Mikasa: I hate you all!
Eren: Hey Armin, I'm kinda a threat to humanity right now so can you please talk to the dude for me! And explain my innocence please?
Military Officer: What is your answer!
Armin: like dude, please don't. DON'T SHOOT DICK HEADS! DON'T SHOOT BECAUSE SHINZOU WO SASAGEYO...
Eren whispering: what the hell man? What kind of reason is that! I'm doomed.
Everyone: yes we love SHINZOU WO SASAGEYO! That's a great reason!
Eren: Wait, actually?! Damn okay!
Military Officer: Who do you think you are, Armin Arlet? You seriously think you can convince me of anything?
Armin: yes sir! I do!
Military Officer: then let's see who's the most fucked up, me or you!
Armin: oh no! He knows!
Soldier: Come on Officer, we all know that Armin is a very innocent person.
Military Officer: Well then why the hell did he join the military? He could've been a father, or a doctor, or something far more innocent.
Soldier: but sir, being a doctor isn't innocent.
Military Officer: shuddup!
Eren: Armin don't do anything stupid, he'll find out just how fucked you are! If they know, they'll take you down.
Armin: but if I don't they'll kill you!
Mikasa: Just win this Armin, okay. Make up stuff.
Armin: I accept your request!
Military Officer: You seriously think you can surpass me? You got guts kid I'll tell you that!
Armin: mind fuck no jutsu! (Naruto hand signs occur)
Eren: what was that?
Armin: I laugh at death
Military Officer: I worship satan!
Armin: Satan... worships... ME... Bitch!
Military Officer: I lick tears off of orphans!
Armin: I call arson a career!
Military Officer: I joined the military to watch people die!
Armin: so did I!
Military Officer: wait actually?
Armin: I celebrate human failure!
Military Officer: I send people to their deaths!
Armin: I throw rocks at the homeless!
Military Officer: I molested girls!
Everyone: holy shit what?
Military Officer: see Armin, there's no one worse than me! Now you and your friends will die!
Armin: You thought you were fighting a mere mortal! FOOL! I shall grind you up in the hell that is my mind! As I twist and contort your throat with my mental tendrils, as I swallow you with visions of my rage! I will subjugate your children, and massacre and rape your armies! But YOU, ONLY YOU shall survive, you shall hold testament to my will as I mind fuck you as my ultimate revenge!
Military Officer: You know, Im so afraid of you now, so I'm just gonna agree with you. Alright bro, I've got an idea, We'll use Eren as a Titan to plug up the wall!
Eren: What... no! Please no! I don't know if I can properly control my Titan form yet!
Mikasa: That's a great idea, you should probably tell everyone!
Eren: Oh my god why me!
Military Officer: can I have your attention, please hear this plan,
Person in the audience: does he realize we can't hear him from down here?
Military Officer: it turns out that Eren Jaeger is a Titan. But he's a nice Titan, so we're gonna use him to plug up the wall.
Person in the audience: Yep, he's not aware!
Military Officer: Did everyone hear and understand the plan?
Person in the audience: What the hell did you say?
Military Officer: good! Now bye! Peace! *dissapears*
Eren: *finally plugs up the wall but nearly smashes Mikasa with his foot*
a few moments later*
Eren: Wait, where am I? Am I in a cell? Who are you!
Levi: I'm Captain Levi! *Fangirls scream*
Eren: What the hell was that noise?
Levi: Just ignore that!
Erwin: So Eren, you remember that key that unlocks something in the basement? That'll be a huge plot point now? Would you mind telling us what the hell is in it?
Eren: sure I remember, my dad told me before. *flashback*
Past Eren: Hey dad what's in our basement?
Past dad: oh sure thing son, it's called spoilers you cannot see until season 2!
end of flashback*
Levi: Goddamn it!
Erwin: every bloody time!
a few moments later*
Judge: Order in the court, so Eren Jaeger, you are a Titan. Let's hear from the person who turned you in.
Guy: Kill him
Judge: Now our words from the defendant.
Erwin: Don't fucking kill him, please.
Judge: any other things to add?
Levi: Hello it's me, Levi!
Fangirls: oh my god, it's Levi! *moans and screams from Fangirls occur*
Levi: Hello Eren! It seems you're a Titan! I shall now kick you in the balls!
Eren: Yes, more! Yeah!
Levi: Judge! He's enjoying it.
Eren: Harder this time please!
Levi: wait what?
Judge: Eren, stop enjoying it!
Eren: Yeah, right there! Oh!
Levi: I Fucking said stop Eren!
Eren: you said fuck! Do that, do that right now!
Levi: I'm not gay!
Judge: I hate my goddamn job.
Eren: deeper! Yeah, smash it in hard, oh!
Judge: I say you are innocent on all charges!
Everyone: wait what?
Judge: I just wanna go home, so yeah I'm letting him off the hook
Everyone: you're a terrible judge, we should fire you from your job.
Judge: shut up, I'm in charge here!
a few moments later*
Levi: now that that shit is over, let me introduce you to my crew! Dead one, Dead two, Dead three, and Petra!
Server Corps: we are as important as we are alive!
Eren: oh cool, I'm excited to get overly attached to you guys!
Petra: I'm the only one people care about cuz I'm a cute girl!
Eren: What about her?
Hangi: shut up Levi, let me speak... TITANS MAKE ME HORNY!
Eren: Did I... did I hear you correctly? That's really weird!
Levi: says the guy who likes getting kicked in the d-
Eren: shut up!
Levi: Hanji the Titans you have as sex slaves are dead!
Hanji: What! No! Why! *cries over their dead bodies*
Eren: wow!
Erwin: Hey, Eren. Do you think Annie could be an insurrectionist of any sort? Heh!
Eren: What... Huh?
Erwin: I'm sorry, that was a stupid thing to ask! So stupid, so stupid!
a while of planning a presentation later*
Erwin: I've prepared a short presentation as to why you should join the Survey Corpes, or Survey Scouts. Whatever they're called... next slide!
slide says pretty please on it*
Erwin: alright so keep in mind I said this would be short... and everyone's gone!
Eren: scouts yeah! Thank you so much Erwin, okay everyone I've prepared for you guys seven reasons why you should all join the Survey Corps... Scouts, whatever it doesn't matter! We're all gonna have a great time in the scouts! Yeah! Number one reason, none of us are totally gonna die or whatever!
Armin: Annie? Where are you going?
Annie: oh, heh! Me? I'm just going to join the military police because I'm an insurrectionist or whatever!
Armin: did anyone hear that? Guys, Annie's an insurrectionist!
Eren: Armin! SHUT UP! I'm TRYING to give a SPEECH!
Armin: you guys always ignore me, I'm right, just you wait and see!
a few moments later*
Eren: What even is this plan?
Levi: It's all part of Erwin's fail safe plan!
Erwin: it's all part of Erwin's fail safe plan!
Eren: Wait, what?
Erwin: enough of this shit, Survey Corps! Head out!
Levi: But first, we clean!
Eren: oh watching you clean makes me so horny and wet! Hmmmm!
Levi: oh my god stop it Eren! Can you stop fangirling over me for one minute... damn!
a few moments of cleaning later*
Eren: Wait, how long are we gonna be riding on these horses?
Levi: about five episodes or so.
Eren: What! How have we gone from years passing in a single episode to spending half an arc on a Fucking horse! What is this arc even about!
Levi: it's all part of Erwin's fail safe plan!
a few moments of long boring horse riding later*
Erwin: I've just captured the female titan... that I knew existed somehow.
Female Titan breaks free from the trap*
Erwin: I thought...
Female titan runs away*
Eren: this was the plan the whole time, never mind I'm so distracted. Damn that Titan has a nice rack and thicc ass! Damn that's hot! I love this plan.
Levi: Stop it Eren!
Erwin: Levi squad! Get her I guess! I don't know. Yay trumpet sounds!
Eren: oh no, Levi squad! They're dead!
Petra: *screams and dies!*
Eren: Petra, No! The only one I cared about, NOOO. *turns into a Titan but gets eaten!*
Mikasa: Oh my god! Eren! Can you stop getting eaten already!
Levi: Do I have to do everything myself!
Fangirls scream as he kills Titan!*
Levi: Well, I don't know about you! But I'd call this mission a complete piece of shit!
Erwin: Just another day for the survey corpes!
Levi: Oh my god! can you stop making jokes for one damn second Erwin! MY ENTIRE FUCKING TEAM IS DEAD!
Military Officer: it turns out that Annie was actually the Female Titan all along, shock huh?
Everyone: not really.
Mikasa: I don't know, I think Annie and the female titan look pretty similar if you catch my drift.
Eren: shut up Mikasa no one cares, But she kicked me in the balls so hard, it was so hot! So there's no way she's the female titan.
Mikasa: Wait she did what?
Eren: Oh Annie, step on me, harder! *moans loudly*
Mikasa: dude, were in a meeting room. Other people can hear you! Leave your boner out of this, Please!
Everyone else in the meeting room: wow, I'm gonna just ignore what was just said!
Military Officer: We now have a plan to trap her down there!
Eren: hey wait, where's Armin?
Mikasa: probably reading Mein Kampf somewhere i don't know.
Connie: Armin is so fucked up in the head, he's probably one of the most fucked people I've ever met!
meanwhile*
Annie: Oh Armin, I love you!
Armin: Wow, it's a free real estate!
Annie: Get in the bed! NOW!
Armin: Hell yeah! I'll do whatever you say!
Annie: now fuck me!
Armin: yes! I'm now the bang master!
a few days later*
Eren: Annie, come with us! Please please please!
Annie: Hell no!
Eren: shit it didn't work!
Military Officer: God Fucking Damn it!
Eren: Wait a second, then that means, you are the female titan!
Annie: wow I literally just told you before, it wasn't like I was hiding it from you, anyways... Yes, I am the Female Titan, let's see how well you can handle this heat! *transforms into a Titan*
Armin: oh my god! You're the female titan! Who spared me. You're my dark queen!
Mikasa: what the hell is wrong with you Armin!
Armin: I told you I was the crimson king. Destined to have you by my side right?
Eren: what the hell are you talking about Armin!
Annie: yes Armin, I will be your good girl, but only after I kill some survey corps!
Mikasa: Armin, stop blushing! Pull yourself together! She's the enemy!
flashback*
Reiner: what the hell is Armin doing?
Jean: I don't know, he's always confusing!
Armin in his head: You're so beautiful! You are the most Devine female I've ever set my eyes on! I was seconds away from dying. Meeting my appending demise, when this beautiful female titan looked at my face, she seemed to recognize me and her heart softened. She knew me, and something inside her, didn't want to hurt me.
Jean: what the hell man get back here!
Armin: I am Armin Arlert, the Crimson King! First of his name, anointed in blood and destined to claim you by my side!
Reiner: Armin has officially gone crazy!
Armin: Look upon these two sacrifices I brought you! Look upon them and use them to your will!
Jean: we're sacrifices to you Armin! You inconsiderate bastard!
Armin: Their souls are yours to take! And once you join my side!, we will take so many more!
Jean: my man's gonna kill us?
Armin: I am Armin! King of the Andals and the first men!
Reiner: now he's just quoting game of thrones!
Armin: and the future of the world, the grand spectator of space and time! And I shall NOT be denied!
Reiner: ya know what, I'm gonna intervene! Hey female titan, I'm gonna slice that neck off!
Female Titan: *grabs reiner*
Jean: Reiner noooo! Who will be there to cheer me up and talk about favorite colors with me now!
Armin: yes, crush him my dark queen! We'll consummate our future on his mangled corpse! Yes crush him! Crush him!
Reiner: I'm alive!
Jean: what the hell is wrong with you * wounds titan and she runs away*
Armin: no! She's gone! And Reiner, he's alive!
Jean: yeah man, and you know what! That was super fucked up of you! Was that really just a plan to get close to her. You seriously would've risked our LIVES for THAT!
Reiner: uh, Armin, you good bro! I think he fell asleep!
Armin: Reiner!
Reiner: yeah dude? What's up?
Armin: kill Jean, now!
Jean: what? No! That's silly... wait, Reiner, what are you doing?
Reiner: must kill Jean!
Jean: dude this isn't funny anymore!
Armin: this is no joke! I'm controlling him, and he'll do whatever I ask him to!
Jean: why are you so hell bent on killing me?
Armin: this isn't about you, I'm just testing my powers! See, he's fine now!
Reiner: huh, what happened, oh hey guys!
Jean: okay, this day just keeps getting creepier and creepier! Why does this kind of stuff happen to me! Why!
end of flashback*
Annie: yes, and I will help you kill Reiner and Jean for you! *wink* bye!
Eren: I just can't believe this, it would take a fucking boulder crushing me, for me to believe this. Also Annie, can you please step on me! *a few moments of boulders falling later*
Armin: Eren, now would be a good time to get angry!
Eren: That's my secret cap! I'm always angry! *bites his hand and it bleeds* god it hurts so much!
Armin: was something cool supposed to happen?
Eren: I don't know, it just sounded really cool in my head, let me give it another try! *bites his arm and it bleeds more* it hurts even more this time!
Mikasa: Well no shit Sherlock, what did you think was gonna happen when you bite your hand!
Armin: Eren, turn into a Titan, now!
Eren: I'm trying okay!
Armin: you're not trying hard enough!
Eren: What the hell do you want me to do!
Armin: oh my god Eren just shut up and turn into a goddamn Titan! *Eren and Annie as Titans are fighting each other while sitting*
Armin: is it just me or does this look like very forceful Titan sex!
Mikasa: oh my god don't make it weird Armin!
Eren: yes Annie! I have you just where I want you. Now give me what I asked for! Fuck me as hard as you possibly can!
loud moaning noises*
Mikasa: Yeah, Okay... it does look like sex!
Armin: when Eren turns back into a human I'm gonna hurt him!
a few moments later*
Judge: Well Erwin, in only a few days, you've cost countless lives, years worth of collateral damage and all you can show for is a prisoner we can't even touch now? Do you have anything to say?
Erwin: Just another day for the survey corpes!
Judge: wow funny joke... Are you really going to put THAT as your last words... Really? Are you for real?
Erwin: Come on guys, it was for humanity okay! *cries*
The End of Season 1
