Things Harry Potter characters wouldn't be caught saying

Things Harry Potter characters wouldn't be caught saying

When they're alone:

Lockhart: Okay! I admit it…I pick my nose when no one's watching me.

Hermione: You want the truth? I pay people to do my homework for me so I always get A's!

Voldemort: In my spare time, I like to kill people, take control of people's bodies, and play with Barbie dolls and bunny rabbits.

Lucius Malfoy: I sew sweaters and send them to the poor little Muggles in London.

Draco Malfoy: I practice ballet in my basement.

Pansy: I kiss pictures of Leonardo DiCaprio and I throw darts at Malfoy's picture.

Dobby: Dobby uses his wages to be playing poker!

Percy: I throw parties in my office every week and I don't invite the Ministry of Magic people! Ha! That's what they get for not promoting me!

Harry: I practice my signature for when I'm grown up and even more famous.

Ron: I keep a secret stash of money in my pillow and I do Hermione's homework for her.

If they lived in the U.S.:

Lockhart: What? You've never heard of me?? I'm Gilderoy Lockhart!

Voldemort: I think I'll consider a career in directing.

Dobby: Vegas, here I come! (Wears a pair of boxers and a tie with one of those hats the dealers in casinos always wears.)

Hermione: Eating spree! Pass the onion rings! (Sits in front of a plate of French fries, a cheeseburger, onion rings, and a milkshake.)

Draco Malfoy: Ooh la la! Britney Spears! (Holds a long poster of Britney Spears.)

Harry: I need Daily Focus contact lenses. (Stomps on his glasses.)

Ron: I'm going to dye my hair and pierce my ears!

Lucius Malfoy: I invented the Internet.

Wormtail: I think I'll do the Stock Market…

Dumbledore: I believe I will work on my tan.

Uncle Vernon: I'm going to work out in the gym every day and sculpt my body to perfection.

Dudley: Jenny Craig? Hmmm…that's a possibility.