Heheheh…they said what

Heheheh…they said what?!

Yep, I did it again. Be afraid…be very afraid.

Had they been celebrities on TV:

Announcer: (In a bored voice.) And now, back to…Hagrid Live!…and now, please welcome your host, Hagrid.

Hagrid: All righ', ev'rybody? Today we're gonna make me world famous treacle pudding! We'll jus' add a bit o' this here sugar, and BAM! (Audience hoots and claps.)

Rita: He had everything going for him – a steady career as a nationwide author, hordes of female fans chasing after him, and fives times a winner of Witch Weekly's Most-Charming-Smile Award…what went wrong? Today on Rita, we'll talk to Gilderoy Lockhart, who had practically everything he wanted and then one day…he just forgot what his name was.

Voldie: Welcome to Aerobics With Voldie! Today we're going to focus on the lower abdominal section and I'm going to work on my six-pack! (Jumps up and down like an idiot.) One, two, three, jump! Grapevine…

Lockhart - before he lost his memory: Some people know me as a stunningly-pretty-yet-incredibly-clever-and-talented author. Others know me as a fearless-but-always-brave-and-punctual warrior against the Dark Arts. Well now I can cook and sew and make the best curtains in the whole wizarding world. So shut up and watch my show! (Smiles pleasantly.)

Alex Trebek (sp?): Let's welcome our contestants today…we have Vincent Crabbe, Gregory Goyle, and Neville Longbottom. (Audience claps politely.) Now let's take a look at our categories: Dark Lords; Past and Present; What is your IQ?; A rat bit me – now what do I do?; and last, Snotty Celebrities gone bad. Our first contestant will be Crabbe. What'll you pick?

Crabbe: My nose. (Starts picking his nose.)

Audience: Ewwww!

If they lived in the U.S:

Hagrid: Me? A career in basketball? Tha' has it's possibilities…(Rubs his chin thoughtfully.)

Dobby to Winky: Now that Winky is in America, Dobby has a solution to all of your problems! (Winky hiccups and falls on her face.) Winky will be helping Dobby deal cards for the blackjack players in Vegas!

Lucius Malfoy: (Wearing a tye-dye shirt and sunglasses and strumming a two-stringed guiter very badly. He wears a brown tangled curly wig. Sings out of tune…) Stop the war! Stop, stop the war! Stop the war!

Draco Malfoy: (From under a chair.) There is no war, Father.

Lucius Malfoy: Just getting in the mood, son! (Hits guitar to the beat.) Vote for Gore! Vote, vote for Gore!*

Draco Malfoy: Oy, vay…

Lucius Malfoy: Don't forget about the Social Security Lockbox, son!

Hermione: Wow! This stuff is amazing! What have I been missing out on? (Squirts mousse all over her head but doesn't bother to rub it in.) The perfect solution for when it rains!

Dean Thomas: Dang it! These pictures don't move! (Stabs a picture of the U.S Women's Soccer Team.)

Ron: What have I been telling you all these times?!

Lockhart: (Smiles.) Would you like some fries with that?

*I don't really support Gore. I just like using him because he's done so much weird stuff in public.