Heheheh…they said what?!
Yep, I did it again. Be afraid…be very afraid.
Had
they been celebrities on TV:
Announcer: (In a bored voice.) And
now, back to…Hagrid Live!…and now, please welcome your host, Hagrid.
Hagrid: All righ', ev'rybody? Today we're
gonna make me world famous treacle pudding! We'll jus' add a bit o' this here sugar, and BAM! (Audience hoots and claps.)
Rita: He had everything going for him – a steady career as a nationwide
author, hordes of female fans chasing after him, and fives times a winner of Witch
Weekly's Most-Charming-Smile Award…what went wrong? Today on Rita, we'll talk to Gilderoy
Lockhart, who had practically everything he wanted and then one day…he just
forgot what his name was.
Voldie: Welcome to Aerobics With Voldie! Today we're going to focus on the lower abdominal section and I'm
going to work on my six-pack! (Jumps
up and down like an idiot.) One,
two, three, jump! Grapevine…
Lockhart - before he lost his memory: Some people know me as a stunningly-pretty-yet-incredibly-clever-and-talented
author. Others know me as a
fearless-but-always-brave-and-punctual warrior against the Dark Arts. Well now I can cook and sew and make the
best curtains in the whole wizarding world. So shut up and watch my show! (Smiles
pleasantly.)
Alex Trebek (sp?): Let's welcome our contestants today…we have Vincent Crabbe,
Gregory Goyle, and Neville Longbottom. (Audience
claps politely.) Now let's take a
look at our categories: Dark Lords;
Past and Present; What is your IQ?; A rat bit me – now what do I do?; and last,
Snotty Celebrities gone bad. Our first
contestant will be Crabbe. What'll you
pick?
Crabbe: My nose. (Starts picking his
nose.)
Audience: Ewwww!
If
they lived in the U.S:
Hagrid: Me? A career in basketball? Tha' has it's possibilities…(Rubs his
chin thoughtfully.)
Dobby to Winky: Now that Winky is in America, Dobby has a solution to all of your
problems! (Winky hiccups and falls
on her face.) Winky will be helping
Dobby deal cards for the blackjack players in Vegas!
Lucius Malfoy: (Wearing a tye-dye shirt and sunglasses and strumming a
two-stringed guiter very badly. He
wears a brown tangled curly wig. Sings
out of tune…) Stop the war! Stop, stop the war! Stop the war!
Draco Malfoy: (From under a chair.) There is no war, Father.
Lucius Malfoy: Just getting in the mood, son! (Hits guitar to the beat.) Vote for Gore! Vote, vote for
Gore!*
Draco Malfoy: Oy, vay…
Lucius Malfoy: Don't forget about the Social Security Lockbox, son!
Hermione: Wow! This stuff is amazing! What have I been missing out on? (Squirts mousse all over her head but
doesn't bother to rub it in.) The
perfect solution for when it rains!
Dean Thomas: Dang it! These pictures don't
move! (Stabs a picture of the U.S
Women's Soccer Team.)
Ron: What have I been telling you all these times?!
Lockhart: (Smiles.) Would you like
some fries with that?
*I
don't really support Gore. I just like
using him because he's done so much weird stuff in public.
