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April 16-May 18, 01.
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Carol and Doug stood by the bed in the spare room of Doug's apartment. Emma was lying in bed, asleep, in front of them. Doug slowly wrapped his arms around Carol's waist, pulling her back against his chest and resting his chin on her shoulder as they watched Emma.
"I can't believe she's mine." Doug murmured, smiling softly. Carol smiled.
"It was sometimes hard to believe how much she acted like you. She has your I'm-up-to-no-good smile." Carol said. Doug chuckled softly.
"Yeah, but she looks a lot like you. I didn't even have a clue that she was mine and not Nathaniels." Doug said. Carol nodded.
"Yeah." She said softly, relishing the feel of his arms wrapped around her.
"What are we going to tell her?" Doug asks.
"I don't know." Carol said.
"How about we just give it some time. And then we'll ease it on her." Doug said. Carol nodded.
"I want her to know. I want her to know you're her Daddy and not a man like Nathaniel." Carol sighed. "But she's so young, Doug, I hope she'll understand. I mean, she thinks Nathaniel is her Daddy. If we tell her different, I don't want her to be confused. I want her to know who you are." Carol said. Doug leaned his head against Carols.
"She will." He said. Carol nodded.
"I'm exhausted." She said quietly, thinking of the long day they had somehow managed to get through. He nodded.
"Wanna go to bed?" Doug asked. She nodded, a yawn punctuating her sentence. He chuckled and took her hand.
"Let's go." He said.
+========+
Although Carol was tired, she couldn't quite get to sleep. She was finally back in Doug's arms, in his bed with him. She could hear his shallow breathing beneath her cheek as she listened to him sleep. He had fallen asleep quickly and Carol realized he must be exhausted and somewhat sore, although he tried to hide it.
Fighting Nathaniel had not been a picnic, but Carol was glad Doug was there. She knew she would probably have to go to court, but she also knew she could do it with Doug with her, supporting her. And knowing he was back and they had another chance to work this out, made Carol giddy with joy. She snuggled her face further into Doug's chest and felt as his arms naturally tightened around her. It made her smile when she realized how much she had missed him doing that.
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"Yes. Yes, thank you." Carol said and hang up the phone. Doug was sitting at the table with Emma. He looked up at her as she turned and faced them.
"Who was that? I didn't recognize the voice." Doug asked. He had answered the phone, but the man on the other end had asked for Carol. Carol somehow managed to hide her smile.
"I don't have to go to court." She said. Doug stood up.
"They're not going to have a trial?" Doug asked. She shook her head, smiling.
"No. They had too much evidence on him and he knew he was already stuck. So he admitted it. He has 15 years in prison without parole." Carol said. Doug grinned and lifted her into his arms and twirled her around. She laughed and wrapped her arms around his neck. When he placed her on the floor Carol caught sight of Emma. The little girl was sitting in her chair, a piece of crust from her toast in her hands, smiling widely as she watched them. She had no idea what was going on, but she understood that her mother was happy. And that made her happy. Carol smiled at the little girl and walked over, picking her up, crust and all. Carol hugged her daughter, squeezing her gently.
"Guess what?" Carol asked.
"What Mommy?" Emma asked. Doug smiled as he watched the interaction.
"We're gonna go visit Grandma soon." Carol said. Doug watched as Emma's entire face lit up.
"Mamaw!" She yelled. Carol laughed and turned to look at Doug. He grinned happily, watching the two most important girls in his life. Carol placed Emma back in her seat and the little girl bit into her crust excitedly, as if the quicker she ate, the sooner they would leave.
"I love you." Doug mouthed to Carol. Her face broke out into a wide grin and she mouthed the words back. He chuckled and they both turned to look at Emma who was eating happily.
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Carol and Emma made the road trip back to Chicago. Doug had asked her if she wanted him to come, but she said no, that she should probably do it by herself. He had understood and had watched them ride off into the distance.
Carol pulled into her mother's driveway. Helen was aware that they were coming and she and Javier had been sitting out on the porch on the swing, waiting for the two to arrive. Emma jumped out of the car as quickly as she could and ran up the porch steps and straight into her grandmother's open embrace. Helen's eyes filled with tears and she and Carol smiled as Carol made her way up the steps.
"Hi Mama. Javier." Carol said. He smiled politely.
"Hello Carol."
"Mamaw, guess what?" The three of them listened as Emma began to recount all her adventures to her grandmother. It had always amazed Carol how well the two of them got along. As a child, Carol hadn't gotten along with Helen. Even into her adulthood she hadn't. But when Emma was born, Carol and Helen began to spend more time with each other and Emma had grown attached to her grandmother. Carol had realized it was because Helen was so much more happier now with Javier. It hadn't been easy for her to raise three daughters by herself, Carol knew, now that she had her own daughter. And so the bond between Emma and Helen was stronger then Helen and Carol's had been, because Helen understood Carol and Emma now.
Javier had taken Emma into the house to get something to drink and Carol knew he would probably give her a cookie. She didn't mind as long as she got a chance to talk to her mother.
"Oh Ma, I'm so glad to see you." Carol said as the two embraced. Helen smiled, her hands on Carol's shoulders.
"I wasn't sure I'd ever see the two of you again." Helen said. Carol smiled and hugged her mother again.
"Ma, there's something you should know." Carol said.
"What?" Helen asked.
"I'm not moving back to Chicago. At least, not for now." Carol said.
"You're not?" Helen asked, having already assumed that. Carol shook her head.
"Ma, it's just....You know how you feel about Javier. And you remember how I resented him at first. Well, I've gotten used to the fact that he's here. I know that he makes you happy and that's all that matters to me now. And Ma..Doug makes me happy." Carol said softly. Helen nodded and took Carol's face into her hands before Carol could speak again.
"Go be with him." Helen said. Carol sat there, slightly shocked. "He left you, yes and I'll always know that he hurt you in that way. And maybe I'll always resent that a little bit. But Carol, he makes you happy and now I understand that. He's the father of your little girl, Carol. I want you to be a family together. I want you to be happy and that's what will make you happy."
"Oh Mama." Carol said, smiling with tears in her eyes.
"I love you, you know that, right?" Helen asked. Carol nodded and they hugged once more.
"I love you too." Carol replied.
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"Carol!" All the nurses squealed as Carol walked into the Cook County General's ER. She smiled at them as they all embraced her at once. She laughed happily and smiled at them all.
"Hello!" She exclaimed. They all proceeded to ask her where she had been, what she had been doing.
Within minutes, all of the staff had joined in the lounge, Mark and Kerry included. Kerry did not look happy.
"I am so sorry that I left without warning." Carol said to all of them as they listened intently. "But I was scared for the safety of Emma's life." The staff leaned in closer, curious and puzzled all at once. "For the past year or so, Nathaniel has been abusive towards me." Everyone gasped. "A week before I disappeared, he threw Emma across the kitchen. She wasn't hurt, but I knew that if I didn't get out now, she would get hurt because Nathaniel was getting worse. So I left a week later without telling anyone where I was going, including my mom. I went to Greysville, Kentucky to find a job. I didn't figure I could hide from him for long, but I needed some time to be away from him and get Emma safe. Well, it just so happened that the hospital where I went searching for a job was where Doug Ross now works." Another gasp ripples through the crowd. "And to make a long story short, Nathaniel found me, Doug saved Emma and I, I told Doug about Emma being his daughter, and we are back together. And I am moving out there to live with Doug and Emma." The staff stared at her, stunned into silence. "Oh, and Nathaniel is in jail for abuse and murder."
"Murder?" Lydia asked loudly, speaking out loud everyone else's thought.
"In his quest to find me, he killed a man." Carol said, raising her eyebrows. It surprised her how calm she was staying. She either wanted to sing and dance out of joy because she was with Doug again, or she wanted to laugh like a lunatic because of everything that had happened in her life this past month or so.
"Wow." Mark muttered. Everyone began laughing softly.
"You had an eventful month." Carter said as they all continued laughing. It was odd, no one really knew why they were laughing. Maybe for Carol and Emma's safety. Maybe because she was with Doug again. Maybe because it was like something out of a movie. Or maybe all three.
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Carol smiled at Doug as she walked into the living room. She had just put Emma to bed and Doug was waiting for her out on the couch. She sat beside him and curled her legs under her. He pulled her against him and wrapped his arms around her.
"I missed you two." He said. She grinned.
"We missed you." She replied, snuggling further against his chest. "Emma kept asking me why you didn't come." Carol said. The two of them smiled for a moment. Before he reached around, lifting her chin towards his face with his fingers. They stared in each other's eyes for a brief moment before he pressed his lips to hers. She sighed and closed her eyes, tilting her head back to give him easier access. When they parted, he brushed his thumb across her cheek.
"Carol?"
"Hmm."
"I want to make love to you." He said. She froze, her heart skipping a beat. She paused and swallowed.
"Okay." She said. Obviously he hadn't noticed her hesitation laced into the reply. His face lit up in a wide smile as he kissed her again. He pulled them to their feet and took her back to his bedroom.
Her mind was whirling frantically as she felt his hands on her body, travelling all over her. She felt him lay her back on the bed and he began to undress her. She swallowed the lump in her throat and closed her eyes. Dear God, she needed to tell him. She felt his tongue on her shoulder as he traced a line down her chest. Her body responded slightly, making her nipples harden as she felt his tongue on them, but her mind reacted negatively. Tears filled her eyes and she had to squeeze them back. But one slipped out the corner and she reached up, trying frantically to wipe it away. But as she had lifted her arm and he hadn't felt her touching him, he looked up and watched her wipe at the tear frantically and at another that followed.
"Carol?" He whispered, hovering over her. She didn't open her eyes, just lay there, suddenly still. "Carol?" He asked again. She opened her eyes slightly and he saw the moisture lying there, hidden behind her thick, dark lashes. "Carol, what's wrong?" Doug asked, moving off of her.
"Nothing, Doug. Nothing's wrong." Carol said, trying to smile. He shook his head.
"What's the matter, Carol? I know something is wrong. What is it?" Doug asked.
"There's something you need to know." She said, taking a deep breath and pulling the sheets up over her breasts and tucking them under her armpits.
"Okay." He said cautiously and propped his head up with his arm. He still had his boxers on, so he wasn't trying to cover himself up like she was.
"I'm...." She stopped, unable to bring herself to say it.
"What?" He asked.
"A few days before I tried to leave Nathaniel, something happened." She said.
"What?" He asked again, confused.
"Well, we had sex and I uh..." She paused. His eyebrows were knitted together in confusion as to what that had to do with him. "He didn't use anything." She whispered, her eyes lowered away from his. It still wasn't sinking in yet for him.
"Carol, what...?" He trailed off, still confused.
"I'm pregnant, Doug." She said and looked up at him, meeting his gaze. Their eyes fused together for one quick, breathless moment before he rolled away from her a bit and sat up on the bed, his back towards hers.
"Why did you wait so long to tell me?" He asked quietly.
"I just.....Dammit, Doug, so much has gone on these past 2 months and I don't know what in the hell all of this is happening to me for. I don't want to be pregnant with his child. I didn't tell you because I was scared of how you would react. I don't even know what I want to do about all of this. I'm sorry, Doug, I am, but...." She stopped, not knowing what to say to him at this point.
"But what?" He asked.
"I need you." She whispered. "I didn't want to have sex with him that day. He basically forced himself on me sometimes." She watched as Doug's back stiffened. "It wasn't rape because I never struggled or tried to get him off of me, he just never aroused me. And then, I was still so angry with him for hurting Emma so I just laid there and let him use me." She sighed. "And this had to come out of it." Doug finally turned to her and took her hands into his, sandwiching them between his.
"I'm sorry I reacted like that." Doug said and sighed. She was still laying back on the bed and he was now sitting, facing her. "But you're pregnant with that bastard's baby. I truly didn't expect that. You caught me completely off guard." He sighed. "What're you going to do?" He asked quietly.
"I don't know. I really don't want his baby, but Doug, he didn't make the baby all by himself. The baby is part of me too." She sighed deeply. "I love Emma with every single cell in me. I adore her beyond reason. And I know if I had this child, I wouldn't love it the same way I love her. And if the baby looked like Nathaniel, I wouldn't be able to handle it. But it's my child." She sighed.
"I don't mean to put all the weight on your shoulders Carol, but it's not my child, I have no right to make a decision for you." Doug said.
"But I need your input. Doug, if I was to have this baby, would you stay? Because if you won't, then I'll get an abortion without anymore thought."
"Carol, you know I wouldn't leave. It might be difficult, but I hope you know I am sticking around." He smiled softly. "Whether you want me to or not." She smiled.
"Thank you for being honest. I'm so torn between this." Carol said, tears filling her eyes.
"I know, sweetheart, I know." Doug slid underneath the covers with her and took her naked body into his arms as she began to cry. He wrapped his arms around her and she let him envelope her. Their heads were pressed together and every now and then he kissed her tears away.
"I love you." Doug said but she was crying too hard to reply except for a nod of her head. He sighed and burrowed her closer.
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"I'm getting an abortion." Carol decided two days later. She and Doug were sitting at the table, eating breakfast as Emma played on the floor with her crayons. She had her tiny headset on and was listening to the Lion King soundtrack. Doug's head snapped up.
"What?" He asked. She sighed and propped her chin up on her hand.
"I can't keep this baby." She glanced at Emma. "When I look at Emma, I think..I can't do that to a child. I know I could never love this baby like I love her." She looks back at Doug and stares into his eyes, wanting him to understand her need for this. "If I decide to have more children, I would hope they would be yours." She said. He smiled and reached out, taking her hand. "It would be just entirely too messed up if I had Emma from you, then I had a baby of Nathaniel's, while he is in jail, and then I had more children with you. Doug, I couldn't put a baby through that. I have to get an abortion. For me. For Emma. For you. Even for Nathaniel." She said. "He wouldn't be able to know his child."
"I understand." He was relieved. He had wanted her to get an abortion because he didn't think he could handle it when she gave birth to another man's child and have him raise it. He wouldn't be able to. Normally he was against abortion, but in some cases, such as this, he thought it could be alright. "I support your decision." He smiled then and leaned forward, kissing her quickly, hoping Emma's eyes didn't see. "I hate to admit this. But I'm relieved." He said. She smiled and squeezed his hands gently.
"I want to tell Emma now." She said. His brows puckered.
"About the abortion?"
"No. About you." She said.
"Me? That I'm here father?" He whispered. Carol smiled.
"Yes. Can we?" She asked. He smiled softly.
"If you think she's ready. If you're ready." Doug said.
"I'm ready. Now's as good as ever to tell her. She's not asked anything about Nathaniel for a long time. Maybe she's forgot him already." Carol said. Doug shrugged.
"Okay." He said, his palms beginning to sweat. He withdrew his hands from hers and shifted in his seat, looking down at Emma on the floor. Carol stood and picked her daughter up off the floor. She slid the earphones from her daughter's ears.
"Emma, we need to have a talk." Carol said.
"Kay." Emma replied, oblivious. Carol took her into the living room and sat on the couch, Emma on her lap. Doug sat beside her, rubbing his palms discreetly on his jeans, trying to wipe the sweat away. She was two years old, she wouldn't judge him, he thought.
"Do you remember your Daddy?" Carol asked. Emma shrugged a little.
"Uh huh." She murmured, her eyes downcast. "He threw me." She said then, looking up at her mother, her voice more adult-like than Carol could ever imagine it would be at that age. Carol smiled weakly, her eyes filled with tears. She hugged her daughter to her chest.
"You don't have to worry about that anymore, Emma." Carol said. Emma looked up at Carol. She brought one small hand up and touched her mother's cheek.
"Don't cry Mommy." Emma said, so innocently that Carol's heart burst with even more love for her darling little girl.
"I'm not, baby. I'm not." Carol said and pressed her lips to Emma's forehead softly. "Emma, there's something I want to tell you." Carol said.
"What?" Emma asked.
"The man you thought was your daddy, Nathaniel, really wasn't your Daddy." Carol said.
"He wasn't my Daddy?" Emma asked, her brows scrunching together in a look that Carol often herself expressed.
"No. He wasn't. And I promise he won't ever hurt you again." Carol said.
"If Daddy wasn't my Daddy, who is my Daddy?" Emma asked, her face confused. Doug nearly grinned at how much Emma looked like Carol. She was her miniature. Doug couldn't wait until she was older to see how much they looked alike then.
"Doug is you Daddy." Carol said. Doug was brought back to reality, his body dumping a fresh load of sweat into his palms.
"Doug is my Daddy." Emma said and looked at him, studying him curiously. Like she was seeing him for the first time. "Why weren't you my Daddy before?" She asked. Doug froze.
"Well...I, because..."
"Doug didn't know about you. If he would have known, he would have been your Daddy before. But I didn't tell him about you."
"Why?" Emma asked.
"Because I love you so much and I was scared I would lose you if I didn't do what Nathaniel said." Carol said, brushing a tiny curl from Emma's face.
"Oh." Emma said and looked at Doug. Then she slowly climbed into his lap. She touched his nose and his cheeks, her little hands crawling over his face as if she was discovering new territory. Emma sat back and looked at him. "Mama loves me. Do you love me?" Emma asked. Doug smiled and nodded.
"Very, very much." He said. She smiled then, her adorable, I-am-Carol's-daughter grin.
"Can I call you Daddy now?" She asked. Doug's smile widened.
"If you want to." Doug said.
"Okay." Emma paused. "I love you too, Daddy." She said and wrapped her little arms tightly around his neck. Carol and Doug smiled at each other, tears in both of their eyes as Doug hugged the little girl tightly to him and fell completely in love with his daughter.
+========+
"Do you want me to go with you?" Doug asked as Carol slipped into her coat. She shook her head.
"No Doug, I really should do this myself. Stay with Emma." Carol said.
"We could take her to my Mom's and I could go. If you want me to." Doug said. Carol smiled and took his face into her hands. She kissed him gently.
"I love you for wanting to go with me. I love you for supporting me. But I need to do this alone." Carol said. He nodded.
"I know. I just worry." He said. She smiled.
"Well don't. I'll be back home before you know it. They said it won't hurt and that I can drive. So I'll be able to come home. I promise if I need you, I'll call." She said.
"Okay." He smiled slightly and kissed her.
"I love you." He said. She rubbed her nose lightly against his.
"I love you too." She said.
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A single tear fell onto the cold leather interior of the table where Carol lay. She listen to the quiet whir of the machine and let that single tear fall for the child that never would be. She knew it was for the best. For everyone she loved. And she knew she could never give this child what it deserved. So she was doing the best thing she knew to do. Saving it from suffering. Knowing she had her daughter and a man she loved and who loved her to go home to, was enough for her. She would survive with her family by her side.
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Thanks for reading! My website address is http://www.geocities.com/flutterby884 if you want to read more Doug/Carol stuff. My e-mail is topsy_m@lycos.com
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