Return of the Jedi. Ripped to shreds. With Bronze charas. And Koji as Luke Skywalker and Akihito as Darth Vader. Yes, it really is as puerile as it sounds. For some reason I can't quite fathom some people think it's funny. ^^ (Ongoing)
Miyuki's Zetsuai PageZetsuai 1989/Bronze
Revenge of the Koji, Part 3
By miyukichan
Ah, finally… back to the colossal intergalactic building site that is the Death Porsche Mark II with AM-FM stereo and metallic paintwork. The builders must be on strike, it doesn't look any more completed than it did last time we saw it, though it hasn't actually been that long – it just felt like it. The little green moon still hangs prettily behind it as yet more huge, sleek ships move slowly through the stratosphere like predatory stingrays. There is a strange feeling of déjà vu as another little shuttle is escorted to the huge Death Porsche… only this time there are four TIE fighters flanking it. Clearly, the visiting dignitary is more important than Darth Akihito… but who can it be?
Inside the ship, another welcome party has been arranged, this time with the assistance of Darth Akihito, in full dress uniform and bucket. Thousands of Evil Galactic Nanjo Corporation Empire Stormtroopers have been lined up in the room so that one person can get out of a shuttle and walk down a clear space between them, then they can all go and carry on with whatever it was they were doing before they were so rudely interrupted to come and stand in the docking bay.
Darth Akihito, followed by Commander Jamjar, who is now a nervous wreck of the Takasaka school (except he doesn't know over six million forms of communication, or have a Katsumi on his back – sometimes quite literally), walk up to the shuttle. The door opens, a ramp extends, and four men who look very similar to Darth Akihito except that they wear red, stand in a square. The bored Stormtroopers come to attention and…
Emperor Hirose appears. The emperor is a man in his mid-thirties, immaculately dressed in a sharp suit. Darth Akihito and Commander Jamjar both fall to their knees in front of him. Hirose's expression does not change.
Hirose: Get up, Akihito.
Darth Akihito does so and starts walking next to Hirose. Jamjar and the others stay kneeling until the emperor and his hangers-on, including a tall man in an ill-fitting Stormtrooper outfit, make their way past, then join in the procession. The other Stormtroopers continue to stand to attention – but if they think their arms hurt, they should try being Takafumi hanging on the end of a rope.
Darth Akihito (slightly muffled): Hirose, can I take the helmet off?
Hirose (impassive as ever): If you must.
Darth Akihito removes the helmet and carries it casually by his side as he walks out of the docking bay with the emperor, totally oblivious to the high ceremonial nature of his surroundings and the procession forming behind them.
Darth Akihito (mad grin): Commander Jamjar assures me the Death Porsche will be operational on schedule, aniki. I'll kill him if it isn't.
Hirose: Good. I would like you to continue searching for Koji.
Darth Akihito: Can I kill him when I find him?
Hirose (slightly sharply): No. Let him come to us, then we can tempt him with the power of the Dark Side. Koji will be attracted to it.
Darth Akihito: Why can't I kill him?
Hirose: Because it's not politic.
Darth Akihito (whiny): But I want to kill him, Hirose.
Hirose: Not yet. Patience is a virtue, Akihito.
Darth Akihito: But it's boring. (Evil look) Where's Kurauchi?
Hirose (to the uncomfortable-looking Stormtrooper walking nearby): Look, he doesn't bite. You can take off that Stormtrooper uniform.
Kurauchi (muffled, from within Stormtrooper helmet): I exist only to serve you, my lord.
Hirose: Then take off the Stormtrooper outfit; you're making yourself look foolish. Akihito, go and torture a few prisoners or something. I'll call you if I need you.
The door to the docking bay shuts behind them, and thousands of saluting Stormtroopers drop their arms and begin to make their way out of the room, talking desultorily amongst themselves about whether or not that was really the emperor because he was a lot shorter than I thought he would be…
***
From high-tech to low-tech… Kyoichiro the Jedi Master's little shack in the middle of a muddy swamp that will later become the Bog of Eternal Stench in Labyrinth. Jim Henson believes in recycling his props as well as his Muppets. Outside the shack Serika sits and rotates her head a couple of times before whistling mournfully. Inside the tiny house cursing can be heard as Kyoichiro bangs his head on the ceiling again.
Koji: Kyoichiro, why do you live in such a tiny house when you're almost as tall as I am?
Kyoichiro: Canon it is.
Inside the house Koji is wedged uncomfortably in a corner, his head brushing against the ceiling, as a mildly peeved Kyoichiro makes his way across the floor with the help of the Canonical Walking Stick he really doesn't seem to need. In the interests of staying faithful to George Lucas, he wears a hessian sack over his normal black jumper and sports a pair of Mr. Spock ears painted green (if you think he looks weird, just imagine what Kimie Mori's going to look like in an orange jumpsuit… well, okay, so it's probably not as weird as Kyo in hessian and green ears). In an attempt to look older he has upended a bag of flour into his hair.
Koji (frowning from his corner): The flour was a mistake.
Kyoichiro: Know it I do. But die I must in about ten minutes so old I must look.
Koji (teenage arrogance): You already look old.
Kyoichiro: When thirty years old you reach, totally debauched you will look. Seen it with the force I have. Mm! Mm!
He makes his way over to the untidy bed. He's just like Eri the Hutt but at least it's only blankets, a coke can and a couple of empty crisp packets rather than entire pizzas and chocolate wrappers from ten years ago. He collapses unceremoniously on the bed and disappears into a mini mushroom cloud of flour which subsides a few minutes later.
Kyoichiro: Right. In bed I am. (he looks at his watch) Seven minutes and two seconds I have. Talk we must on the nature of the Force.
Koji (big sigh): Not again.
Kyoichiro: Enjoy I do not wasting my last moments on this pointless conversation. In a bar I would rather be, a huge drinks bill running up. But have it we must. That is the way of the Force.
Koji (stubborn): But I want more training. I've got to beat Darth Akihito and… his helmet… (losing his cool) it scares me…
Kyoichiro: No more training do you need.
Koji: Then I can tell that little airhead Shibuya to stop saying 'you, a Jedi knight?' and bursting out laughing every time I mention the Force to him?
Kyoichiro: A Jedi you are not yet.
Koji ('I knew it' glare): Bugger. I really want to get that boy with the Force.
Kyoichiro: Confront Darth Akihito and his helmet you will. Vanquish the helmet you must. Only then a Jedi will you be. And settling petty scores the Force is not for. Taller than Shibuya you are for a reason. In some cases, threat is better than Force, and such a case Shibuya is.
Koji: Ah yes. Darth Akihito. Is that lunatic really my brother?
Kyoichiro looks at his watch again and taps it. He clearly wants to get the dying bit over with so he can start appearing in shimmers with Kai Wan Kurosaki. He smiles slightly – shame Kimie isn't here, Kyo is one of his semes and he'd probably have gone silly over this.
Kyoichiro: Five minutes have I. Soon shut up I can.
He smiles again. Koji growls.
Koji: Well? Am I related to that little freak?
Kyoichiro: Beware the power of the dark side you must, Koji…
Koji (losing his temper): Is Darth Akihito my brother? And I want a yes or no answer, not a long discussion on the nature of the force!
Kyoichiro (struggles with the natural instinct to ramble on): The Force is strong with your fam… damn. Yes I mean. And Emperor Hirose your oldest brother is.
Silence: Koji is in shock – he looks far less cool than he normally does so you can tell.
Kyoichiro: Show you his business card did he?
Koji: Just before he cut my hand off.
Kyoichiro: Wait you should have. Unfortunate it is that you rushed to fight him. Tell you when you were drunk I would have. Kinder it would have been. Drunker you could have got. Uncomplete your training was. Kicked his ass you could have, better at Kendo are you. But strong is Darth Akihito with the Dark Side. Incest, jealousy, insanity all the Dark Side are. Choose the Dark Side you must not or dominate your life it will.
Koji: Look, are you going to die or not?
Kyoichiro: Die I will. But first listen you must. Defeat your brothers you must, but obey not the call of the Dark Side. In thirty seconds the last of the Jedi will you be. Good pose, is it not? But others you must train… Koji… there is… another… Jedi and proto-Nanjo…
Kyoichiro slumps down onto the bed, more flour flies in the air. As Koji watches, the man disappears before his eyes to spare our Koji the trouble of getting his hands dirty and actually having to dig a grave. Just a Jedi perk, we presume.
***
Koji walks out of the house, not even noticing when he bangs his head on the door and ignoring a mud-spattered Serika's bleepy whistling complaint about having fallen in the swamp a couple of times. Koji begins to perform the pre-flight checks on his X-Wing then throws his spanner into the swamp and curses fluently.
Koji: I can't do it. I've got no work ethic if no one nags me twenty-four seven. Even Shibuya can't manage that…
Mysterious (and familiar) Voice: Kyoichiro will…
Koji: Who the hell are you and where…
He turns around to see Kai Wan Kurosaki leaning against a tree, posed heavily. Koji learnt posing from an expert. Unfortunately Kai Wan kind of passed on about two days after Koji first met pain in the ass Katsumi, who Koji would probably far rather had passed on instead even if Kai Wan did act like he hated Koji with a passion (because he does), but he's still allowed to make these cameo appearances…
Kai Wan (waving at him): Over here, idiot. Kyoichiro will always be with you, though why you'd want that pain in the ass hanging round you for all time I don't know. I should know, I've gotta put up with him forever now.
Koji: Kai Wan, you bastard! Why didn't you tell me about Darth Akihito? You told me he killed my family!
Kai Wan (pouting): Lesson one of dealing with people. Don't believe everything they say. Darth Akihito and Emperor Hirose are screwups. Bigger than you are, even. You really think I wanted to reveal you shared a gene pool with them? Besides, if you hadn't tormented Akihito so much when he was a child he'd never have felt the need to wear a bucket and rampage round the universe killing things.
Koji: So it's all my fault is it?
Kai Wan: Some of it is. Some of it's mine. I admit it was a mistake to send him the Do It Yourself Guide to Joining the Evil Empire and Ruling The Entire Galaxy as a birthday present, but how was I to know he'd take it seriously? (Crossly) It's a joke book, for Christ's sake!
Koji, utterly amazed, comes and sits on a log nearby whilst Kai Wan lights a spiritual cigarette and leans back against the tree. Doesn't matter that the tree's in the land of the living and Kai Wan's more sort of not. That is the way of the Force, dontcha know?
Kai Wan (putting the cigarettes away): I'd offer you one but they're ethereal. (Louder) When I first knew him, believe it or not, Akihito actually had a sense of humour. When we were training as Jedi and practicing thought control on our parents and seeing if they'd let us stay out late, not that I gave a damn about whether they let me or not, we used to talk about taking over the entire galaxy. It was funny. But one night, we both got dead drunk and he put a black bucket on his head and asked me if it made him look scarier. Like an idiot I said yes. Next thing I knew he was trying to strangle people using thought control.
Koji: What a dumbass!
Kai Wan: Of course. (Totally serious) Never put a bucket on your head, Koji, it's amazing how quickly the Dark Side starts to seem appealing. I tried it once but took it off because a chick walked into the room and what's the point of dyeing your hair blonde if the girls can't see it?
Koji: What if he takes the bucket off?
Kai Wan: Oh, the Dark Side still seems appealing. Darth Akihito's totally insane, Koji, and he can't be turned back to the good side of the force. Emperor Hirose holds him in thrall.
Koji (shuddering): But I can't fight him. That helmet…
Kai Wan: It's destiny. Worse, it's canon.
Koji: But he kicked my ass last time!
Kai Wan: Koji. You're far better at Kendo than Darth Akihito is. Better even than emperor Hirose. The Force will be important in the battle but don't forget the importance of Kendo. It's not just mind games and throwing things round using ESP. Some of it comes down to how good you are at doing fancy things with swords. And you're better than good, Koji, even with that artificial hand of yours. But get it fixed before the fight or prepare to get caned again.
Koji: Last time was different. (Standing, infatuated gleam in his eyes) I had to rescue Izumi! Oh, and the others, of course…
Kai Wan (stubbing out the ethereal cigarette on the all too solid tree): Didn't work, did it? He had to rescue you and you've only just sorted out the resulting Katsumi problem. (sighing) still, I suppose that kid would have gotten in deep anyway at some stage, it's what happens when you owe Eri the Hutt.
Koji (curious): Isn't killing your aniki bad form?
Kai Wan (grinning): Admit it, you want to do it.
Koji nods soberly then turns to leave before another thought strikes him. Kai Wan is still leaning against the tree, nonchalant, though he looks as if he is still waiting for something. Of course he is or he'd have vanished off into the ether to do whatever it is dead Jedi do when they're not revealing plot developments or giving pep talks.
Koji: Who's the other Jedi Kyoichiro spoke of?
Kai Wan: The other he spoke of is your fiancé .
Koji (bewildered): Fiancé? I'm not engaged.
Kai Wan: No, you wouldn't have been told. You wouldn't have wanted anything to do with the person if it had been announced to you. Being the way you are, Koji, I think they probably hoped that you'd just run into your fiancé by coincidence and fall for them through sheer stubbornness even though they repeatedly told you to get bent… am I being obvious enough or do you want it simpler? I hope not, that was an opening big enough to drive a Mack truck through.
Koji: Izumi? I'm engaged to Izumi?
Kai Wan nods. Koji blinks a couple of times then a Happy Hentai Grin spreads across his features as he realises the potential this affords him… of course now we've revealed that all those who are getting fed up with Koji and Kai Wan Kurosaki will be happy to know that, come the video release, you'll be able to skip el boring explanation and fast-forward to the next scene which is a good one and has Katsumi, Takafumi and the power of Kawaii instead of Koji, Kai Wan (for all that he's kind of cute himself), and the Force.
Kai Wan stifles a yawn and takes a bit of paper bearing the legend 'Ludicrously Contrived George Lucas Stylee Plot Development #364' from his robes. He starts to read from it.
Kai Wan: Basically, and here comes the boring bit, because the Jedi are such a dying breed an advantageous match was engineered between your family and Izumi's as both possess strong Jedi blood. The fact that you're both men doesn't mean much in this day and age considering that with modern technology we can easily just genetically engineer the sprogs… (realising that Koji isn't listening) yes, it's amazing what a bent paper clip and an avocado will do these days and did you know you're one of the biggest pains in the ass it's ever been my misfortune to encounter and you're not listening to a word I'm saying, are you?
Koji (big ol' uke eyes, sappy smile, little comic hearts fluttering round his head): I'm engaged to Izumi.
Kai Wan (sighing): Incredible.
If Kai Wan weren't ethereal himself, he'd hit Koji. As it is he has to wait a good half-hour, during which he gets incredibly bored and eventually starts playing Tetris on a Gameboy, for Koji to snap out of his Izumi-induced daze and shake himself, then turn back to the conversation.
Koji (blinku): Sorry, you were saying?
Kai Wan (putting the Gameboy away): You can't tell him yet. If you do, he'll put himself in danger. Because he'll try to run away from you and probably straight into the clutches of Darth Akihito. You can't let him get involved, he hasn't been trained in the ways of the Force even though it's strong with him. Anyway if emperor Hirose gets wind of it… bad things could happen and you know exactly what I mean by bad things. Kill Darth Akihito, chuck his helmet into deep space, then tell Izumi, okay? Look, I've got things to do, see you later, I won't miss you, don't bother trying to get in touch, I'll show up when I want to talk to you. So none of this Kai Wan I can't hack it crap, copy? Later.
***
Back in outer space again. This is the rebel fleet, the ships are consequently less predatory-looking and generally cool. Okay, so they're not as rubbishy as Hisaya Fett's ship was, but they're still not that good. Still, there are a lot of them and if you can't go for quality, quantity'll do. Inside the biggest ship most of Our Rebels lurk in some kind of lecture theatre, together with other assorted weirdies (The Great Gonzo, Fozzie Bear and the Cookie Monster are representing the mighty Muppet race). Those of you who know your Bronze might be a little alarmed by the presence of Kimie Mori – the sixteen year old in Koji's band who blushes easily – in an orange flight suit... In the middle of the room is a projection of the Death Porsche. Takafumi picks his way through the crowds, spotting Jesus and Prince Izumi. Serika is hassling Taka, who, having had his glasses fixed in the interim, is sat next to Katsumi (who, needless to say, has changed his clothes – probably more than once – since escaping from Eri the Hutt). Katsumi is drawing a picture of Hotohori in his notebook. He looks up when Takafumi sits next to him.
Katsumi: Oh, hi. Don't let the promotion go to your head.
Takafumi (mock innocent): Me? Do I look like that kind of person?
Katsumi (turning his attention back to his drawing): Yes. Next question?
Takafumi: Who are you drawing?
Katsumi: Hotohori. It was going to be Nuriko but the face went wrong. By the way, I think you're totally cracked for wanting to go and try to blow up the Death Porsche.
Takafumi (smiling): They asked you first, didn't they?
Katsumi (without looking up): Yeah. But I said no. Because I'm sane.
The room falls silent as an Ozaki Tart in her mid thirties sweeps dramatically onto the stage. This is Mon Ayako, a member of the Groupie race wearing Hooker-dress suitable for a woman of her age. She is leader of the Alliance. Following in Mon Ayako's wake are two high-ranking personages, General Moody and Admiral Taskbar. General Moody is grinning inanely. Admiral Taskbar looks like a haddock that has been forced into a uniform.
Mon Ayako: Okay people, shut up a minute will ya? Thanks. Right. Emperor Hirose has screwed up, totally and utterly, and the time has come for us to make our move.
Mon Ayako turns to the holographic Death Porsche and it's attendant Pretty Pointless Planet as her audience mutter to each other.
Mon Ayako (waving a pointy stick around like a demented weathergirl): Right. Hasul spies have brought us data pinpointing the specifications and exact location of the Death Porsche Mark II including the fact that the weapons systems on the thing aren't working yet, a rather stupid blunder on the contractors' part, but it serves them right for getting the thing done on the cheap. The Evil Galactic Nanjo Corporation Imperial fleet is all over the shop at the moment because we've got 'em scared and Emperor Hirose is personally overseeing the final phases of the Death Porsche's construction. Which was dead dumb. Admiral Taskbar?
The haddock in uniform walks up to the hologram whilst the room erupts in chatter. As is normal in lectures, only about half the audience are listening. He tries to take Mon Ayako's pointy stick but she pulls it out of his reach and pouts.
Taskbar: Thank you. As you can see from the model, the Death Porsche is currently orbiting the forest moon of Entropy. The Evil Galactic Nanjo Corporation Empire, unfortunately, is not totally stupid so even though the station's not operational a defence shield has been put in place from the forest moon of Entropy which must be deactivated if the Death Porsche is to be destroyed. Once the shield is down, a strike force of fighters will fly in to try to detonate the main reactor. General Yoshiya has volunteered to lead the strike force. General Moody.
Katsumi looks up from his picture of Hotohori and gives Takafumi an amazed look whilst Moody takes Taskbar's place in front of the assembled rebels.
Katsumi (to Takafumi, eyes wide): You really ARE totally mental, aren't you? Jesus. Good luck.
Takafumi (noncholant): I fancied killing myself.
Katsumi: You'd have had to!
Moody: Highly trained Rebel Juvenile Delinquents have hotwired a small Evil Galactic Nanjo Corporation Imperial shuttle which will be disguised as a cargo shuttle. Using secret, uh… Imperial code (he flushes, a few rebels giggle, others grin, Prince Izumi looks disgusted, Katsumi blushes, as does Kimie Mori) a strike team will land on the moon and destroy the generator.
Izumi: Dangerous. What kind of lunatic would do something like that, Katsumi?
Katsumi (looking at the ceiling): uh… yeah… I dunno… why look at me like that? Hehe…
Moody: General Shibuya, are you ready?
Izumi blinks a couple of times. Katsumi, deeply embarrassed, looks down.
Katsumi (looking at Izumi and blushing again): Okay, okay! So sue me already! (calming down a bit) Yeah, kind of, but I need a team for the shuttle. Jesus the Throwback says he'll do it, but…
Izumi (shrugging): Sounds kind of fun.
Loud and Highly Familiar Voice: Whatever's going on, I demand glory too!
They turn. A couple of rebels giggle nervously, one or two cheer half-heartedly after finding themselves on the wrong end of patented Death Glares. Katsumi bursts out laughing. Koji spots Izumi and runs toward him, then glomps him massively, knocking him over. Mon Ayako stares at him in amazement.
Koji (tearing up): Izumi, how I have missed you!
Izumi (bapping him over the head with the skillet he keeps in his shorts): Hentai! Get off!
Katsumi (waving from all of two feet away, eyes closed): Hiii, Ko-chan!
Koji (wearily): Hello, Shibuya.
Serika bleeps happily at Takasaka, who is wringing his hands again and looks like he wants to hand in his notice on the spot. If he had a notice to hand in he probably would.
Taka (looking fearful): No, I'm not excited… I'm an interpreter. I'm not supposed to get in these situations!
***
In the docking bay a short while later, full of ships, a legalised atmosphere of mild panic, the rather strange-looking Evil Galactic Nanjo Corporation Empire Shuttle Delirium, and people generally shortening their lives through stress and preparing to go out and get shot for a cause (which really shortens your life). Takasaka nearly gets run over by a trolley carrying weaponry and in moving out of the way of that walks into a preoccupied Kimie, and decides that actually getting in the shuttle is a safer bet – Koji and Izumi have already made their way in there. Katsumi, however, is bitching at Takafumi.
Katsumi (getting frustrated): Don't be so polite. I'm trying to do you a favour. Look, I know the damn ship doesn't look like much but it is at least fast and you'll need it. Go on. Shoo.
Takafumi: Well, if you're sure you trust me with your spaceship. Hey, I wouldn't trust me with a spaceship. But I'll try not to damage it, okay?
Katsumi (looking askance at him): I know how to make you careful… (laughing) you'll pay for any damage, right, 'Fumi-chan?
Takafumi (wincing): Okay, okay. Would you get going? You're holding everyone up.
Katsumi: Oh, right. Bye. If you die I'll kill you.
Takafumi: Good luck to you too, you little pain.
***
Inside the Shuttle Delirium, Koji is bent over a control panel. Katsumi watches him for a bit – he thumps it and curses. Katsumi giggles, then climbs into the pilot's seat and looks at Jesus, who is growling as he tries to figure out the controls. He hits a button, a brief burst of imperial code fills the cockpit. Koji grins, Katsumi blushes and turns whatever it was Jesus turned on back off.
Koji (aggrieved): I was listening to that!
Katsumi (glowering): Not whilst I'm driving. And certainly not in front of Prince Izumi.
Prince Izumi comes in from the back and sits down next to Koji, glaring at him as if daring him to start making any kind of move.
Izumi: Do you seriously think I've never heard Imperial code before?
Katsumi: I don't much care either way. I don't like it and it's staying off.
Izumi: Oh, yeah… you're a uke, aren't you?
Looking more than a little peeved, Katsumi stares out of the window and at the Pneumonium Penguin for slightly longer than could be considered normal, until Izumi pokes him.
Izumi: When you've quite finished staring at your space ship, we'll be off, shall we?
Katsumi: Do you MIND? I'm beginning to regret lending it to Takafumi! He's a total disaster as a pilot… he is going to get SO killed…
Izumi (snorting): Don't be stupid. You're a total disaster too and the thing's still whole. Let's go.
Katsumi shakes himself and blinks a couple of times, then brushes his hair back into place with his fingers before turning to Jesus.
Katsumi: Okay... (he turns to the others with a grin) You do realise that by volunteering for this you've agreed to sit in a ship whist I do the piloting and put your lives in my hands again… scared yet?
Koji (only half-joking): Petrified…
Taka: I just hate space travel.
Katsumi: Taka, what do you like? Don't like space travel, don't like heights…
Taka (looking wistful): Office work.
Katsumi (blinku): What? (sighing) Let's go. (To himself) Damn it, why did my Designated Seme have to be such a gentleman? Why can't he force himself on me?
Who wouldn't hate space travel if you were letting Katsumi Shibuya (who probably could become a member of the Reckless Pilots' Club if he so desired) do the driving? Outside the ship's docking bay, the stolen shuttle flies off into outer space slightly faster than is necessary, suffering a near-miss with an X-wing as it goes, which probably goes completely unnoticed by its pilot…
***
Meanwhile, on the Death Porsche, things are getting icky again. Emperor Hirose sits in his office in front of his computer, hits a couple of keys and stares out of the window at the moon of Entropy. What little light there is comes from the computer screen and a small flicker of flame as Hirose lights a cigarette – though probably not one of his Happy ones. Kurauchi lurks unobtrusively in the shadows, trying not to be seen by the group of people who have entered the room, including Darth Akihito. Darth Akihito, his face hidden by his threatening helmet, shoos away the few councillors who have gravitated around him, waits until they have left the room then slams the door they left by, removes the helmet and walks up to his big brother.
After a beat, Emperor Hirose turns round, but his expression does not change.
Darth Akihito: Aniki? I've finished torturing people, what do you want me to do now?
Hirose: Muster the Evil Galactic Nanjo Corporation Imperial Fleet, Akihito. Send it to the moon of Entropy where it shall await further instruction.
Darth Akihito: What about the rebel fleet? Can't we get them? They're all in one place, round Dullist! It'd be so easy to kill them all… why can't I send them there, Hirose?
Hirose: No, Akihito. The rebel fleet is insignificant and soon we shall have Koji Nanjo on our side. We shall tempt him with the Dark Side, he will be turned. The bucket for his head has already been made. We shall crush the Rebellion, and once again the galaxy will know the power of the Evil Galactic Nanjo Corporation Empire. You are to make your way to the command ship, Akihito; I will meet you there. Soon, the three of us brothers will be united once again.
Darth Akihito: Bit I don't wanna be united with Koji. Koji's…
Hirose (firmly): Akihito, that will be all.
Darth Akihito (sulky): Oh-kayyy.
He rams the bucket back on his head, and stalks out of the room.
***
Meanwhile, the stolen Shuttle Delirium makes its way toward the giant Death Porsche building site. A huge number of Evil Galactic Nanjo Corporation Empire shark-covered-in-lights ships hang menacingly in the air – an even bigger shark-covered-in-lights ship is moving around slowly, threateningly and pointlessly in the background. Perhaps predictably, Katsumi thinks it all looks totally cool.
Katsumi: Wow. It really does look like the front half of a Porsche. I've never seen half a Porsche hanging in the vacuum of space before. It looks even weirder than seeing the whole of a Porsche hanging in the vacuum of space. I wonder why they painted it red?
Izumi: Probably to make it look cooler.
Katsumi: Anyway. If this doesn't work we're all totally dead so I'll say it was nice knowing you all in advance. Right, here goes.
He fumbles in the shuttle's dashboard and pulls a booklet out. It is clearly labelled 'Handy Things To Say When Trying To Fool Utterly Brainless Dogmeat Radio Operators'; he flips through it to the correct page and hastily skim-reads it as the radio crackles into life. Katsumi looks startled, drops the booklet, curses and bends down to retrieve it.
Unnamed and Totally Unimportant Nanjo Corporation Jobsworth with a British Accent (over the radio): We have you on our screen now, please identify yourselves.
Katsumi (murmuring): Damn, lost my page… no, no, no… ah, here. (louder) Shuttle Delirium… requesting deactivation of the deflector shield. (cutting transmission, to himself) Deflector shield? What the hell's a deflector shield when it's at home? Sounds totally made up if you ask me…
Brit Jobsworth: Please transmit the clearance code.
Katsumi (attempting to sound impassive): Transmission commencing.
He hits a switch and a long stream of Imperial Code is sent to the Death Porsche. Katsumi blushes and tries to look like he isn't blushing, then laughs anxiously and looks out of the window through his fingers. Koji listens attentively, Izumi tries to look totally blank.
Izumi (his mind still on the job): I sure hope this code was worth the cost.
Katsumi (slightly muffled): And the embarrassment…
Koji looks at the huge shark covered with lights ship (actually this one looks more like a stingray, so shark is a misleading term…) and shivers slightly, then looks embarrassed as Izumi shoots him an evil glance and Katsumi looks questioningly at him.
Koji: Darth Akihito's on that thing.
Katsumi: Oh right. Jedi intuition, huh? (He giggles again). There are plenty of those things. You're being paranoid. Jesus, is there any way we can keep our distance without it looking like we're keeping our distance?
Jesus barks something in mild irritation at Katsumi, who shrugs.
Katsumi: I was just asking.
Koji: I shouldn't have come here… I'm endangering Izumi! Izumi, I… (he breaks off). Oh, and the rest of you, of course. And the mission (he has the grace to look slightly awkward). And the future of the rebellion.
Katsumi (looking daggers at Koji): Delusions of grandeur. Shut up.
***
Inside the Stingray ship, Darth Akihito has been standing looking out of the window at all the pwetty ships. If he didn't have his bucket Helmet on his expression would probably be that of a child playing war. However, 'some vibration felt only by him', (another Lucasism; it could be accounted to thoughts of Hirose though…) causes him to turn an walk up to the Brit Jobsworth and the luckless Admiral Pie – proximity to Darth Akihito has turned HIM into a nervous Takasaka wreck as well. Pie straightens up and looks at the threatening Darth Akihito, and swallows hard.
Darth Akihiro: Where's that thing (he points at the Shuttle Delirium) going?
Admiral Pie (quickly and anxiously): Shuttle Delirium, please state your cargo and destination.
Strange Voice (really Katsumi playing with an Incredible Voice Changer – for security reasons of course): Technical crew and parts for the moon of Entropy.
Pie looks at Darth Akihito as Takasaka looked at bounty hunter Bush/Izumi in a plastic bucket – a sort of 'tell me what to say!' look.
Darth Akihito (professional): Do they have code clearance?
Pie: Um… well, it checks out… I was about to clear them… (he pales and looks as if he is about to burst into tears) Have I done something wrong?
Darth Akihito stares fixedly ahead for a while. He's using the Force, and… bam, there's Koji! Beneath the helmet Darth Akihito grins though of course nobody can see this.
Pie: Shall I tell them to wait?
Darth Akihito: No. I'll deal with this.
Pie (shivering slightly): As you wish… my lord. (Turning to the Controller Jobsworth) Carry on.
***
Inside the Shuttle Delirium, the rebels wait anxiously to see what will happen next… which Katsumi is beginning to suspect will be bloody, painful death…
Katsumi (a sigh): They're not going for it. Right… nice knowing you lot. We're either going to get shot to bits or tortured to death, so let's just pray they shoot us cos it'll be quicker…
Koji: You're just worried because you're a uke.
Brit Jobsworth (over radio): Shuttle Delirium, you're cleared to proceed. Follow your present course. The deflector shield will be deactivated immediately.
The small group relaxes, though Koji still looks slightly nervy. Presumably at the thought of Darth Akihito's helmet…