Miyuki's Zetsuai Page Zetsuai 1989/Bronze
Revenge of the Koji, part 4
By miyukichan, running away from the men in white coats...

On the moon of Entropy, the shuttle sits in the middle of a clearing. Katsumi's a better pilot than the others have given him credit for: the thing's still whole, no trees have been chopped in half by the shuttle's descent, there are no smouldering craters in the ground, etc.

A short distance away the rebels make their way up a hill. Koji and Izumi have put helmets on. Katsumi, presumably through uke vanity again, is carrying his by the strap, swinging it slightly. The idea of being shot in the head is presumably not as worrying to him as the thought of messing up his hair is. A few feet ahead, Izumi looks every inch the professional soldier in spite of his ever-present football kit, whilst Koji, who has touched up his makeup and now wears a glove over his artificial hand, is probably the first Lunatic Seme the moon of Entropy has had to contend with for a long while. Jesus looks much the same as ever. Serika and Takasaka bring up the rear. Taka, as ever, is looking nervously around him as if he expects any minute to be jumped by some sinister alien.

Izumi has reached the crest of the hill when he crouches down and gestures for the others to do the same. Koji, curious, crawls up to Izumi to take a look. Katsumi takes a careful look over the ground before committing himself to this course of action, but eventually shrugs - whatever happens it can't ruin his clothes too much. Serika bleeps curiously.

Taka: I said this wasn't going to be easy.

At the foot of the hill, two bored Evil Galactic Nanjo Corporation Empire scouts are wandering around. One of them stoops to pick up an interesting rock and holds it up to the light. A few feet away there are two things that look a bit like motorbikes without wheels and some kind of prong thing stuck to the front.

Izumi: What'll we do? Go around?

Katsumi (shrugging): I don't know, why are you looking at me?

Izumi: You're the general here.

Katsumi: Did I ask for it? I'm still Katsumi, you know.

Izumi sighs and motions for Takasaka and Serika to stay where they are, presumably to stop them from getting into trouble, then makes his way down the hill, followed by Koji, Katsumi and Jesus, halting not far from the bored scouts. Jesus growls softly at Katsumi, who shrugs then turns to the other two.

Katsumi: Jesus says he's got a plan. You two wait here.

Koji: Yes. Look, whatever you do, keep it down, so no yelling, got that?

Katsumi: It's me, remember?

Koji: That is precisely what I'm worried about.

Katsumi decides not to force the issue for once, walks up to the scout, trips and falls practically on top of him. The guard is naturally a little startled by acquiring a small blonde rebel from god knows where, but gets over it.

Katsumi (grinning, a little anxious): Do you, er, come here often?

Scout (or Another Brit Bit-Part Player): Go for help!

The other scout runs over to his bike and jumps onto it. Koji and Izumi trade glances and sighs. Jesus fires a shot at the scout who, in trying to avoid it, ends up crashing into a tree. Yup, this really is pretty nasty for family entertainment but does it matter? They're all bad guys! They all deserve to die! Katsumi, meanwhile, is having a minor disagreement with the first scout who has got him backed against a tree.

Katsumi (shoving at the guard): Hentai! Get off!

Koji: Terrific. Remind me never to take Shibuya anywhere ever again.

Izumi decides not to comment but instead starts toward the scuffle, which could turn into a rather nasty incident, reasoning that Katsumi probably needs the help right now considering the guard's superior body weight and size. Koji follows. Izumi, however, stops when he sees two more scouts on their motorbikes with sticky things on the fronts, a third parked nearby.

Izumi: Over there!

He starts off toward the remaining bike as the two scouts set off, presumably to fetch help. Koji, of course, gets hold of completely the wrong end of the stick…

Koji (overreacting totally): Izumi, don't leave me! I love you!

It's an action scene… what do you expect, Shakespearian dialogue? Anyway, Izumi jumps on the bike and with a bit of difficulty gets the thing started. Koji, unwilling to see his Izumi run off alone, jumps on the bike belonging to the scout who is still engaged in trying to amuse himself with Katsumi, (who's now flat on his back beneath the tree but has somehow managed to get the scout's helmet off - and he's trying to gouge the man's hentai eyes out using his fingernails), and takes off after the rapidly disappearing Izumi, who's presumably on a very steep learning curve in terms of speeder bike know-how. Somehow Koji, his robes and hair fluttering most dramatically and pleasingly behind him, manages to catch up with Izumi and yells at his rather panicky companion.

Koji (shouting to be heard above the engines and wind): Jam the radio! Centre switch!

Izumi (yelling likewise): They made a jamming button on the panels? That's pretty stupid!

Stupid or not he hits it, and lo and behold, it IS a jamming switch. Why that was built in as a standard feature will have to remain known only to the man who designed it but it's safe to say that it probably just falls under the heading 'Plot Contrivance' here.

And who says ukes don't fight back? Katsumi, after a bit of a struggle, manages to effectively break his attacker's jaw, shoves the guy off him and scrambles to his feet, then starts brushing the dust off his clothing.

Katsumi (just mildly sarcastic…): Well, didn't that work well?

***

The two scouts have a fairly good lead on Koji and Izumi as they dash through the trees on the moon of Entropy on their way to God knows where (because the scouts clearly don't seem to know) at a speed of Too Fast considering that there are trees everywhere. In terms of difficulty level, this chase is like a bad skier with a rocket pack strapped to their back trying to do the slalom at over a hundred miles an hour on a course where the gates have pressure-sensitive bombs strapped to them so if you touch one, you die. Whilst being shot at.

Izumi is not a very good shot with the Rocket Bike cannon so all his attempts to bring down the fleeing cannon fodder ahead of them are doomed to failure. Koji isn't doing any better, though, preferring to kill people with his kendo moves. The conversation is conducted at a yell.

Koji: We've got to catch up with them!

Izumi: Well, duh!

Izumi guns the engine (presumably by hitting the button marked 'Turbo - do not use unless suicidally insane', as they're already going far too fast) and closes the gap between him and the scouts. In an attempt to get away the scouts veer through a narrow gap in the trees. One of them hits the side of the tree with the stick bits coming out the front of the bike, and slows himself down again.

Koji (unnecessarily): Get alongside him!

Izumi: What do you think I was going to do, mastermind?

Izumi pulls up alongside the anxious scout and starts acting like a vindictive eight year old on the dodgems. The two men shove their bikes into one another repeatedly and probably would have done this for some time had Koji's show-off genes not decided to assert themselves again… Koji stands up on the back of his bike (lunatic) and then makes a jump for the bike in front of him, landing on two feet behind the scout and effortlessly yanking the poor man out of his seat and throwing him to the ground. The scout gets up off the floor, dazed but protected by all that Imperial body armour (see it's not so stupid after all!), in time to see Koji pulling away and catching up with the reckless Izumi. Declaring himself sick of the whole story as the rebels are clearly just as bad as the Nanjos, he goes AWOL, steals the Shuttle Delirium and becomes a virtuoso piano player instead.

Koji is still yelling pointless directions to an increasingly hacked off Izumi.

Koji: Get the other one!

Izumi (through gritted teeth): Koji, if you don't stop yelling out pointless directions, I'll commit murder. I've been a rebel longer than you, so shut the hell up, okay?

They zip past two more scouts, who had been playing cards, but who jump on their bikes when they see what was happening, thus relegating themselves to the status of cannon fodder. But being quite smart, they start firing at Koji and Izumi; Koji's bike takes a hit and he curses.

Koji: Go ahead! I'll take these two!

Izumi (darkly, to himself): Anything. Just shut the hell up and stop acting like you're the only one here with a brain just because you're a seme.

Koji slams on the brakes with the effect of making it look like he's gone into reverse. His hair is blown crazily in the wrong direction, he tries to scoop it out of his face, it blows straight back into it again. After the scouts have zipped past him, Koji starts blasting away with the cannon, knocking out one scout - his bike crashes into a tree.

His companion hits the Suicidal Turbo button as he sees the flash. Koji hits his likewise, his hair blowing in the right direction now.

Koji: Now we're gettin' somewhere!

Kai Wan (from behind him): Having fun?

Koji looks round for a split second - Kai Wan Kurosaki is sat on the back of the bike, legs crossed, smoking another of his ethereal cigarettes and looking totally unconcerned by the velocity or the danger of imminent death. One of the perks of being dead already.

Koji (about to lose his temper): Kai Wan, what the hell are you doing here?

Kai Wan (coolly): Oh, I just thought I'd say hi, see how you were doing, that sort of thing.

Koji determines to ignore him.

Izumi and the first scout are proving the efficacy of the 'bomb slalom' metaphor as they veer through the tree trunks. Izumi, determined to prove that Koji's not the only one who can do show-off stuff, aims the bike he's on up and zooms up toward the treetops, no doubt startling any animals he comes across on the way up. The scout is a little mystified by Izumi's sudden disappearance when he is dive-bombed by a brown-haired lunatic in a football kit, who has clearly played one too many combat plane games and is intent on shooting him to bits. But he ain't that good a shot and misses.

As Izumi pulls alongside the bike, the scout pulls a gun out and grins at him in a manic way (he must have seen Darth Akihito - he looked uncannily like him there), then blasts the bike. Izumi looks totally enraged, but is forced to realise he's gone out of control and jumps off the bike just before it slams into a tree. The scout is so busy congratulating himself on his handiwork that he forgets to look where he is going and slams into another tree. Odd how none of the scouts think to jump for it, isn't it?

Koji, now flying solo again, Kai Wan having got bored and wandered off, is now treating his bike like a dodgem car. The scout is encouraging him in this and as they fly through the ludicrously perilous forest they glare belligerently at one another and try to smash each other into trees. A tree trunk looms in their path; Koji and the scout go over and under it respectively and Koji tries to slam into the scout's bike again, this time from above. Some weird, convoluted Lucasian logic then sticks a very wide tree in their path (this tree really IS wide. It's a giant of a tree!), Koji cannot swerve round it so is forced to practically put his bike on top of the scout's.

The scout thinks this is bloody cheeky.

When the bikes straighten out, the stick things at the front are found to be entangled and the bikes are stuck together. Before Koji can begin to untangle it another big, wide tree looms up ahead and he jumps off the bike just as the two separate and his bike explodes dramatically on the tree. Koji looks up from the bracken he dived into, wild-eyed and dishevelled but still pretty pleased with himself, as the scout veers round and begins shooting at him.

Igniting his lightsabre and once again posing like a good 'un, Koji watches impassively as the bike roars toward him. Maybe there's something wrong with the cannons on these things, because although Koji isn't budging the scout's missing him too; Koji deflects the occasional bolt with his lightsabre - a deadly game of squash? One thing he certainly IS doing is playing a lethal form of chicken with the scout, who isn't budging from his course (a collision with Koji's head is inevitable if this scout keeps coming). At the last moment Koji neatly sidesteps and cuts off the sticks on the front of the scout's bike and the scout suffers the unimaginative death of slamming into a tree (this 'slamming into trees' thing is really getting stale, and it messes up a conservation area) after his bike goes into a barrel roll. Why oh why don't any of them think to jump?

***

In the scout campsite Katsumi, Jesus, Takasaka and Serika wait around with a group of other Rebels who they seem to have just acquired from somewhere (there certainly wasn't that much room inn the shuttle. Where the hell did they come from? Maybe they come in powdered form - instant rebels! Just add water!). Katsumi has found a stick and is scratching something in the dust, with the aim of teaching Taka how to play noughts and crosses for idiots.

The top of Serika's head slides open and a small radar dish unfolds and starts slowly rotating. She bleeps.

Taka (looking up anxiously): Somebody's coming…

Katsumi: Oh, right…

He drops the stick, stands up and takes a small gun out of a holster, and looks down at it curiously, whilst the rest of the squad point their guns at the intruder who turns out to be an exhausted-looking Koji, who collapses onto a handy log

Katsumi: Oh, hi, Koji. Wasn't Taku-chan with you?

Koji (looking round): What, didn't he come back?

Katsumi (sighing): Don't tell me. You got separated, right? What did you do, grope him so he walked off in a huff?

Koji glares at Katsumi, who gives him a 'it's hardly as if there's no precedent' look.

Koji (suddenly energised, leaping to his feet, heroic pose): We have to go and look for him! My Izumi could be in danger! We cannot rest until he is found and is safely back in my ar… uh, with his friends!

Katsumi (rolling his eyes): Oh, brother. (He turns to some random rebel) Look, you guys go on ahead, 'kay? We'll meet at the shield generator, um, sometime tomorrow morning. If we're not there by half seven, start without us. Later.

Koji: Serika, we'll need your radar. Come on. (posing sorrowfully again): Izumi… I'm coming to rescue you! Fear not!

Taka (attempting to look confident): Don't worry, Koji-sama… if Izumi's in the area I'm sure we'll find him.

They move off into the woods in the direction Koji emerged from, the radar dish on Serika's head still slowly rotating. Koji goes first, flanked by Jesus. Katsumi is determined to treat the whole thing like a nature walk and looks perhaps even slightly bored. Taka follows closely behind him - he looks pretty scared, as ever.

***

Prince Izumi lies sprawled on the ground, his hair and football kit dishevelled. A small sound is heard in the bushes a few feet away and a small, fuzzy creature appears. It is about three feet high with huge cute eyes. It looks a bit - well, a LOT - like an ambulant teddy bear and it carries a crude spear. After about three seconds it becomes apparent that we are looking at an Ewok named Ticket. Ewoks are the nauseatingly kawaii dominant life form, for what that's worth, on the moon of Entropy. Ticket the Ewok looks curiously at Izumi for a bit then pokes him in the thigh with the spear. Izumi groans. The teddy bear regards him suspiciously then pokes him again. Izumi sits up and looks utterly amazed. Is there really a teddy pointing a spear at him, or does he just have concussion?

Izumi: I'll be seeing pink elephants next…

He blinks a couple of times and shakes his head. The teddy is still there - it starts to poke him with the spear again. Izumi bats it away.

Izumi (angry): Stop that!

The Ewok scuttles back a couple of times and blinks. It looks ludicrously adorable. Katsumi would probably have started cuddling it by this point.

Izumi: There's no need to get like that. I'm not going to do anything.

He holds his hands out in a 'see! I have no weapon' way, then looks disconsolately at his charred speeder. He's stuck in the middle of a forest on the moon of Entropy with a walking teddy bear which seems to like poking him with a spear. The fact that it hurts when the thing pokes him means it's probably real. He collapses onto a log and looks round himself.

Izumi: I'm stuck. Terrific.

He rubs his head, then looks at the Ewok again. he seems to have reached some kind of decision, probably based on pragmatism. He pats the log next to him and attempts to push his expression out of it's usual glower and into the far less usual 'friendly'.

Izumi: Maybe you can help… come here. Do you want something to eat?

The Ewok looks at him suspiciously, backing away a little as he takes what looks like a petrified sausage out of his back pocket and breaks a bit off, holding it out to the little bear. After realising that the half sausage isn't about to explode, Ticket takes it out of Izumi's hand and sits down next to him. Then Izumi takes his helmet off and the bear drops the food and runs away along the log, poking it with the spear.

Izumi (wearily): It's a hat. Not a bomb. Look. You put it on your head…

He puts the hat on and takes it off a couple of times to illustrate a point to Ticket, all the while looking round to check that none of the rebels are anywhere in the area and can see him making an idiot of himself whilst trying to make friends with an Ewok. Ticket takes the helmet off Izumi and starts to investigate it, then starts looking round anxiously. He says something in Ewok to Izumi, who looks totally nonplussed being as he isn't Takasaka and doesn't have Takasaka anywhere near him.

A gunshot breaks up this meeting of great minds, and Izumi ducks behind the log. The Ewok hides underneath it, Izumi crouches, gun at the ready, looking alertly in entirely the wrong direction. An Evil Galactic Nanjo Corporation Empire scout taps him on the shoulder.

Scout: Hello. Look behind you.

Izumi (turning): Well don't I feel stupid…

Scout: And so you should. Now… (meaner) Freeze! Hand over your weapon.

Izumi does so. A second scout appears a few feet away and looks incuriously at the two of them. The first scout points at Izumi (if only scout wasn't associated so firmly with Sailor Moon… men in armour plating and cute superheroines in short skirts do NOT mix) and speaks to him.

Scout: Fetch your bike, take him back to base.

Dogmeat Scout: Yes sir.

The dogmeat scout has just gotten onto his speeder bike when Ticket the Ewok hits the first scout in the leg with his spear. The scout lets fly a string of curses not at all appropriate to a family movie, then looks down. At the teddy. Now, attacking the scout was a nice gesture, but useless… still, the shock of being attacked by a teddy bear means that the first scout stands dumbly for long enough for Izumi to pick up a branch of the general shape and size as a baseball bat, and knock him out with it (anyone else here seen Papa Myu Mama J? You gotta feel sorry for the scout). The dogmeat scout roars away to get help but because he has the word dogmeat in front of his name he's doomed the minute Izumi whips out his pistol and blasts away surprisingly accurately at the escaping bike. The resulting conflagration conveniently knocks out the other bike as well as the scout. This is getting stupid: the running total of numbers of dogmeat characters blasted so far must stand something like Rebels 294, Eri the Hutt 1, Nanjo Corporation Empire 0. And the Empire are meant to be the bad guys…

Ticket looks in something resembling awe at Izumi, who looks pretty together and cool at the moment, then grabs Izumi by the arm, clearly wanting him to follow. Izumi shrugs 'what the hell' and sets off after the suddenly enthusiastic Ewok.

***

For all those of you who are about to overdose on 'cute' (be afraid. Be very, very afraid… more Ewoks coming up!), a Death Porsche scene. Darth Akihito walks to the door of the Emperor's tower and private lift. Outside the lift a Red Darth stands. Darth Akihito takes his helmet off and glowers at the Red Darth for stealing his look, then attempts to go in, but the Red Darth blocks his way.

Red Darth: Halt! Emperor Hirose gave strict orders that he was not to be disturbed by anyone.

Darth Akihito: Anyone except Darth Akihito. Remember that bit?

Red Darth: Um… oh, yeah. Come in, Darth Akihito… the emperor is expecting you.

Darth Akihito gets into the elevator and suffers a few moments of elevator music - 'Cars' played on a Hammond organ, guaranteed to sap even the strongest of wills, the Empire's torture methods are fiendish! - before coming out into an anteroom. Two more Red Darths wait by the lift but ignore him. He makes his way into the throne room where he waits for a few moments for Hirose to turn round. Eventually he coughs. Still nothing. Finally, incredibly bored and fed-up, he decides to go to underhand tactics.

Darth Akihito (a whiny yell): Anikiii!

A few muttered curses can be heard in the darkness as Hirose shoves a half-dressed Kurauchi under his desk, then turns to face Darth Akihito. He does not look as composed as he normally does, though his clothing is as neat as ever.

Hirose: I told you to remain on the command ship, Akihito.

Darth Akihito (cross): Hirose! The rebels are attacking Entropy! And Koji's there too!

Hirose (impassive): Are you sure?

Darth Akihito: I've been using the Force. He's there. I've felt him… he's making trouble, Hirose!

Hirose: I see. In that case the way forward is obvious. You are to go to Entropy and wait for him there.

Darth Akihito (frowning): He'll come to us? But that doesn't make any sense!

Hirose: I have foreseen it. His arrogance will be his undoing. He believes he can beat you… but you are to bring him to me.

Darth Akihito: Then can we kill him?

Hirose: If he will not be turned to the dark path, then we will destroy him.

Darth Akihito (smiling nuttily): As you wish, aniki.

He turns and stalks dramatically out of the throne room, clearly already imagining how he's going to kill Koji (probably slowly). He laughs insanely as he goes. As soon as the door is closed a cold and uncomfortable Kurauchi crawls out from underneath Hirose's desk and stretches, then looks anxiously in the direction Darth Akihito has just left in.

Hirose: It's all right. I've sent him to Entropy for the foreseeable future.

Kurauchi: Does that mean we might actually get some time alone for once?

Hirose: I should hope so.

***

Your friendly local neighbourhood rebellion chapter shows up at Izumi's crash scene (Izumi last spotted heading thataway with Ticket the Ewok, who almost out-cutes Takafumi Yoshiya. Almost). Koji spots something on the log Izumi was sitting on and walks over to it, crouches and picks it up - it is the helmet Izumi was using to demonstrate the concept of headgear to Ticket the Ewok. An expression of extreme panic passes over his face as he imagines what this could portend for his dear Izumi… Katsumi has gone on ahead, meanwhile.

Katsumi: Koji! Oi, Ko-cha-an!

Koji jumps to his feet with the helmet - he hates being called 'Ko-chan' - and walks over to Katsumi, who is kneeling by Izumi's charred speeder and poking it with a stick, an expression of extreme curiosity on his face. He really hasn't been taking this at all seriously, and believe it or not he has a flower in his hair. Very cute, but hardly the correct image for a general. He looks up when he sees Koji. Taka looks startled.

Taka: Koji-sama.

Koji (throwing the helmet at Katsumi): I found this. And there's more wrecked bikes back there.

Katsumi: Don't chuck things at me, it's rude, and I outrank you. Do it again and I'll get you court-martialled. (thoughtful) Two more? Really? We could strip them for salvageable parts and sell them to the Imperials…

Koji glowers at him then turns to Takasaka, clearly expecting the poor man to have an answer to the whole situation (and hopefully Katsumi's terminal flakiness and slight criminal tendencies). Why take one side when you can make money out of both?

Taka (wringing his hands anxiously): Serika tells me she can find no sign of Prince Izumi, Koji-sama.

Koji: Izumi! (sorrowing) What will I do without you? Oh my love, how can I live whilst we are parted even for a second? I love you! I'll love you till I…

Katsumi (singing to himself): Juliet, the dice were loaded from the start… (looking up) Gawd, Koji, how many more old songs are you going to plagiarise for your soliloquies?

Jesus sniffs the air then starts wandering off into the middle of a patch of ferns and bracken. Katsumi, belatedly realising that he doesn't have to worry about paying Eri the Hutt her monthly instalments any more, stops attempting to work out how to get rich out of their current situation, stands up and yells after the retreating hairy thing.

Katsumi: Jesus! Where'd you think you're going? Jesus. (shouting) Heel!

There is no obvious response to this confused litany of attempts at conversation punctuated by yelling.

Katsumi (under his breath): Oh, bloody hell.

He follows Jesus' blundering path through the undergrowth, followed by the others, until they reach a relatively clear patch. Jesus, meanwhile, has come across a big stake sticking out of the ground in front of a tree. There is an open tin of 'Mr. Dog' on top of the stake. The rest of the group join him round the stake.

Koji: What the hell's that doing there?

Katsumi: Surreal. Maybe it's an avant-garde sculpture? (shaking his head, hands on his hips) Jesus, don't be stupid, you can get better dog food from the Q stores.

Jesus isn't listening and reaches up to the dog food.

Koji: Katsumi, stop that great reprobate before he does something stupid.

Katsumi: Koji, he's six foot plus and covered in hair. What do you expect me to do? I'm…

Jesus grabs the dog food anyway. By some fluke of Ewok mechanics involving weights, levers, hidden pulleys and other staples of the Wil E. Coyote school of trap making as learnt from Road Runner cartoons, the entire group find itself suspended above the clearing in a surprisingly well-made net. The whole thing is not only dead uncomfortable for the poor soul on the bottom (who, wouldn't you know it, just so happens to be Takasaka, who has wound up with Katsumi practically on top of him), but incredibly embarrassing too. Jesus is content - he sticks his nose in the Mr. Dog and chows on down. Serika lets loose with some bleeps and whistles.

Taka (blushing): Language, Serika!

Katsumi: Great, Jesus. Brilliant bit of thinking. All this for a tin of Mr. Dog. Will you get your paw out of my ear, you evolutionary throwback?

He takes advantage of the situation to glomp Takasaka, who blushes even more.

Koji (from somewhere underneath Jesus): When was the last time your walking carpet took a bath, Shibuya?

Katsumi: Why not ask him that? And he's his, not mine.

Koji: Where the hell's that lightsabre when you need it?

Katsumi (tersely): Maybe if you stopped sitting on my damn arm I could get it for you, Koji?

Serika, stuck practically next to Taka, extends a finger and takes out her little circular saw (she really IS the cyborg version of a Swiss Army Knife!), with which she starts to cut away the net. Katsumi, meanwhile, is attempting to move so he can reach Koji's lightsabre, with very little success. Taka notices what Serika is doing and feels compelled to comment.

Taka: Serika, I'm really not sure that's such a great idea…

A little late for that… the bottom comes out of the net and the entire group plummet to the ground. Koji teaches the others some interesting new curse-words. Takasaka, as the poor soul at the bottom of the net, ends up as the individual everyone else lands on top of - as a direct result of this he ends up knocked half-conscious. Koji sits up and looks round, Katsumi is attempting to give Taka the kiss of life. Or maybe he's just trying to kiss him. Jesus finishes the Mr. Dog and throws the can away. It hits Katsumi on the head and he looks up from his sexual harassment. Then they notice the Ewoks - they are surrounded by teddies with spears.

Katsumi: Koji, am I going mad or have I got concussion?

Koji: Why do you ask?

Katsumi (slowly): Um… well, this might sound a little weird… but I'm seeing… well, lots of teddy bears pointing little spears at me…

Koji (relaxing visibly): You too, huh? That's a relief. I thought I was going mad. (he bats at one of the Ewok spears) Get that out of my face!

Katsumi (schoolmarm-ish): Teddies shouldn't play with lethal weapons.

The Ewok, whose name is Taboo, can't have understood for he has a brief argument with another Ewok then resumes pointing the spear at Koji.

Katsumi (shrugging): Why not go with it? It's a teddy, what's the worst it can do to us?

The Ewoks take this as an admission of surrender, and immediately start confiscating the group's weapons. Katsumi makes sure the safety catch is on his gun - the thought of a load of teddies with their hands on a laser pistol is actually quite alarming. Koji gets a wee bit possessive of his lightsabre. After a brief struggle and a few growls, Jesus surrenders his crossbow thing when Katsumi glares at him.

A few feet away Takasaka, having finally regained full consciousness, managed to disentangle himself from the net and locate his strangely missing but thankfully still whole glasses (if anyone wants to know why Taka's glasses had gone… Katsumi swiped them whist trying to, uh, 'revive' him, because he thinks Taka looks cuter without them), sits up and blinks a couple of times in sheer confusion.

Taka: Ow… (slightly resentful) Serika, I told you that wasn't a good idea…

This is probably what passes for a Taka-brand scathing rebuke. The Ewoks look at him, almost as amazed by his presence as he is by theirs, and they begin to confer anxiously. Taka, clearly feeling the need to explain things to them or perhaps compelled by natural politeness, attempts to join in the conversation. The nearest Ewok drops his spear and bows; the others quickly follow suit. Katsumi begins to laugh. Koji looks at Taka and the Ewoks in total disbelief. Taka is equally mystified.

Katsumi: Hold it a minute. You understand what they're saying?

Taka (slightly reproachful): Well, I am an interpreter.

Koji (looking cross): So, what are you telling them?

Taka: Hello… at least I think that's what it is. It's a primitive language. Um… this is a little embarrassing, but they seem to think I'm a god.

Koji (sarcastically): Can't think why. You're hardly imposing.

Katsumi (in 'total airhead' mood): Ah, you're just jealous because it's not you they're worshipping. And maybe they think he's cute.

Koji: Don't give me that! They're walking teddies! If this gets much more saccharine we're all going to have cavities.

Katsumi (ingenuously): Don't you like teddies?

Koji (getting rather cross): Whatever. (To the still decidedly taken aback Taka) Go on, use your divine influence and get us out of this.

Taka (shocked): That would be immoral!

Koji loses his temper. He moves toward the startled Takasaka in a decidedly threatening manner and things would undoubtedly have gone badly for Taka had the Ewoks not intervened. Well, for them it's probably the equivalent of blasphemy. Koji practically gets a spear up the nose and does have one in his left ear before he backs off.

Koji: Apologies. We go way back.

***

Things have taken a surreal turn again for the Rebels. First there was Eri the Hutt wanting to feed them to AppleMac, then there was Koji's lengthy conversation with the dead Kai Wan Kurosaki who now seems determined to hijack some of his scenes, now this - held captive by Ewoks. What the Ewoks have done, basically, is follow the time-honoured tradition favoured by all primitive races who catch something much bigger than them whilst out hunting - a big stick to which you tie your captured thing. And they've done this to every single one of the rebels, with the exception of Takasaka. But they aren't going to let HIM walk either so they've built a crude litter thing which the remaining Ewoks carry. He clings to the side and looks afraid and very, very flustered. He really doesn't want to be there and it shows.

Taka: This is embarrassing.

Koji (upside-down on a pole thing and looking much less cool, sexy and semeish): 'Embarrassing', he says.

Serika bleeps plaintively. Katsumi mutters something about his hair.

Eventually the downright bizarre procession reaches the town square, or what counts for it in an Ewok village: the village itself is totally archaic, made up of mud huts on the ground and in the lower branches of the trees and rickety little walkways strung between the trees. A couple of baby Ewoks are startled by the whole thing. So is Taka, who is a deeply shy man and really, really hates being the centre of attention the way he is. The group stops outside the chief's hut. You can tell because it's a bit bigger than the others are and has some kind of animal skull over the door like the chief in 'Asterix the Gaul' has.

In the middle of the village there is some kind of big bonfire pit with a rather large bonfire (it has not been lit as yet, thankfully) in it and it is in this that the rather startled Rebels are propped. The other Ewoks finally put Taka down and he stops being nervous about being carried on a rickety chair construction and starts to get worried about the rest of the situation instead.

Koji: If Kai Wan shows up now, I'm killing him.

Katsumi (from somewhere beneath him): Did you take a hit to the head when we fell out that net thing? What the hell are you babbling on about this time?

The Ewoks turn as another Ewok, Lurex the medicine man (or Lurex the medicine Ewok, to be more accurate) comes over and examines the captured rebels. He just manages to resist the temptation to pull Koji's hair and seems startled by the concept of lipstick. Katsumi's clothes cause a bit of bewilderment too (Ewoks don't understand fashion yet, some might say they are better off for it). He eventually leaves them and goes to Taka. Chief Chippy, who is obviously chief as he's the fattest Ewok there, plays with Koji's lightsabre. Apparently he doesn't understand the meaning of the patented Koji Nanjo Death Glare. Maybe it doesn't translate well.

Takasaka attempts to ask what's going on and can I get off this chair, I'm feeling embarrassed. Lurex talks back at him and gestures that more firewood should be put on the bonfire. Taka starts looking incredibly anxious. Koji transfers the Death Glare to Taka, and he cringes. Koji is relieved to see this. His lack of success with Chief Chippy had led him to wonder if the Death Glare had stopped working.

Koji: Well, what's going on?

Taka: Ah… well… this is really embarrassing… (he wrings his hands a bit) um… it appears that they're holding a banquet in my honour… and you're the main course… sorry…

Koji: Shibuya, may I remind you of something you said a while back?

Katsumi: What?

Koji: I do believe it was 'It's a teddy, what's the worst it can do to us?'

Katsumi (not a bit abashed): Hey, everyone makes mistakes.

Koji: Yes, and this particular one's going to kill the lot of us.

Katsumi: Well why should I stop getting you all into trouble when I'm just getting good at it?

A couple of Ewoks have dug up some tom-tom drums from somewhere, and have started beating them manically. Put it this way, they have a sense of rhythm, but they are definitely not in the Kyoichiro league. At that moment Izumi appears from the big house. His hair has been brushed and he wears a clean football kit. Clearly the Ewoks have been playing dress-up with him. Katsumi feels the need to acquaint Izumi with the realities of the group's situation.

Katsumi: Hi, Taku-chan… we're all going to die again!

Koji (nosebleeding and histrionic): Izumi! I will never leave your side!

Katsumi: Now that really does look disgusting from this angle… have the Ewoks invented Kleenex yet?

Izumi (sweatdropping): Koji, they're about to barbeque you. I don't think you have a whole lot of choice in whether you leave my side or not.

He attempts to move toward the others but a couple of determined Ewoks block his way with spears, another pair cling doggedly to his legs and effectively immobilise him. Izumi looks at Koji and the others, then sighs and turns to Taka.

Izumi: Takasaka, tell them to let the others go.

Taka makes another attempt to talk it over with Chippy and Lurex, both of whom seem impressed by his volubility but do not seem that impressed by what he's actually saying. Lurex turns to the gawking Ewoks and yells something in squeaky burble Ewokese. A few grab more wood and start piling it on. A couple bring flaming torches out, the drums start losing all sense of rhythm. Koji is relieved to see that Kai Wan Kurosaki hasn't decided to come say Hi again…

Taka (plainly very nervy): I think something got lost in the translation there…

Katsumi: I'm not sure I wouldn't rather have taken my chances with AppleMac. This is just plain stupid. All this to end up killed by a teddy bear. Trippy… hey, have you noticed how all the bad guys we've met recently have seemed to want to feed us to things? Like Taka-chan?

Koji: Fascinating bit of trivia, Shibuya. Thanks. Takasaka, you moron! Do something!

Taka (honestly confused): Like what, Koji-Sama?

Koji (yelling): I dunno! Who's the god here? Tell them you'll rain down fire and brimstone on the lot or something! Tell them you'll use your magic!

Taka (blinking): What magic?

Koji (yelling even louder if that's possible): Just do it, okay?!

Katsumi: You got an idea, Koji?

Koji: Yes.

Katsumi (decidedly less than thrilled): Great. You got any messages you'd particularly like me to pass on to Kai Wan considering I'll probably die first?

Taka attempts to get through once more to Chippy and Lurex. The Ewoks are disturbed by the magic comment but Lurex, for all he's meant to be chatting with a deity, does not look impressed and challenges Taka to prove it, or that at least is the gist of it. Koji, meanwhile, has his eyes shut. Katsumi looks at him and sighs. Serika starts bleeping anxiously.

Taka: They don't believe me, Koji-sama…

Koji, meanwhile, has started using the Force to lift the chair thing Taka is sitting on off the ground. This is cruel. It has already been well established that Taka is scared of heights. But he hasn't actually noticed the lack of ground yet - nor has Katsumi, due to his being in an awkward position.

Taka: …now what do you want me to do?

Katsumi: You could start talking Esperanto, that always scares the hell out of me.

The Ewoks, meanwhile, are running around in a state of total panic at this ultimate magic spell (oh, dear… it's worse than we thought). Even that smartass Lurex looks scared. Taka has finally noticed his situation and is having an advanced case of panic attack. Koji decides he's had enough of up and starts making the chair revolve. Katsumi looks round to see what all the fuss is about and begins giggling.

Katsumi: Koji, that's mean! Put him down.

Taka: I'm scared of heights!

Chief Chippy yells out orders in Ewokese (squeak squonk burble squonk - if this sounds funny from a teddy imagine how it will sound from Taka) and the Ewoks finally decide it might be a good idea to get Koji et al out of the bonfire. When he is let go, Koji runs to Izumi and enfolds him in a tight embrace. Izumi's Takurins Piyo makes its first appearance in the Star Wars saga and this time Koji gets a Le Creuset crock pot in the face. Katsumi, once he's finally upright enough to get the feel of the Ewok village, thinks it's all totally adorable.

Katsumi: Oh, everything here's so cute!

Katsumi glomps a passing Ewok. Koji, moaning slightly, walks away from Izumi; a manga style plaster has appeared from nowhere and adhered to his head, only to fall off two seconds later. Katsumi taps him on the shoulder and points at Taka who still isn't back at ground level. Koji reluctantly lowers him down again. A couple of Ewoks untie Serika from her pole, she starts her electronic cussing again and takes off in hot pursuit after an unwary Ewok - when she gets close enough she zaps him with static electricity. The bear jumps twice his own height into the air then runs off yelping, all his fur stood on end. A couple of Ewoks try to work out why Jesus is so big.

Koji: Izumi… did I offend you?

Izumi: Koji, I don't care what you've been through in order to try and rescue me and I don't care that this place is swarming with teddy bears. We are still in public, that's still Katsumi and that's still Takasaka and the law about not groping me in front of those two still stands.

Koji: Katsumi's not looking now, and nor is Takasaka.

He attaches himself, limpet like, to Izumi, who has great difficulty prying him off again. Katsumi has absentmindedly made his way to Takasaka. He picks bits of creeper off his shirt, then vaguely rubs at one wrist. He hasn't actually noticed that the flower is still tenaciously lodged in his hair...

Katsumi: (cross) Look at my shirt. Will you look at this? Bits of creeper all over me. Damn, I'm a wreck. This material creases so easily. It'll never be the same again.

Taka (a small whimper): Koji knows I hate heights.

Katsumi (patpat): Look, you're on the ground now. It's okay.

Taka gets off the chair and stands up next to Katsumi, who is standing thoughtfully and watching Izumi getting thoroughly kissed by a decidedly overamorous Koji. This wouldn't be so bad but where will those two find somewhere private in an Ewok village?

Katsumi: Taka-chan, do you have a bucket of cold water?

Taka: Why do you ask?

Katsumi: It's what my dad always used when our cat started getting passionate in the back yard…

***

In the Chief's hut, a ludicrously cute scene is taking place, so for all those who wish to go and brush their teeth… you might as well do it now. The place is lit by an open fire - in the hut are pretty much all the named Ewoks we've met so far (so that's Chippy, Lurex, Ticket, Taboo…) and a large number of other ones to make the quorum.

A few feet away the assorted rebels sit in their own ways. Izumi is sat up looking attentive, Koji just looks tolerably bored by the whole thing. Katsumi isn't paying any attention whatsoever - he's managed to get a vanity mirror off Koji and is doing his hair for the umpteenth time, occasionally cursing as he pulls bits of creeper out of it. He's kept the flower, he happens to think it looks pretty damn cute. Serika is in offline mode. Jesus is sort of squidged into one corner. Taka is attempting to conduct a potted history of the rebellion in Ewok. Put it like this, a grown man should not sit around squeaking for any reason. The Ewoks seem to like it, though. Then again, if God came along and started telling you his life story you'd look interested even if it was dead dull.

Katsumi looks up from the mirror and starts giggling at Taka's unbelievably earnest expression throughout all this.

When Taka has finished talking the bigwig Ewoks go into a huddle. They look suspiciously like the Teletubbies whilst so doing - any minute now they're all going to fall over… before it can happen Chippy turns round and squonks an announcement at the Ewoks, who give an equally squeaky cheer. Somewhere across the hut the mad drummers are at it again.

Katsumi (blinking once or twice): Oh, is it over?

Izumi (stretching): Seems that way.

Katsumi: Good… much more of that and I'd have died of boredom.

Jesus growls something sarcastic and Katsumi looks crossly at the furry thing then throws Koji's mirror at him in a fit of pique.

Katsumi: I did NOT spend the whole time preening!

Izumi intervenes - he knows the starts of an argument when he sees one. Katsumi, for some reason, doesn't seem to think he's at all vain, whereas everybody else knows he is.

Izumi: Takasaka, what was that announcement all about?

Taka: Oh… we're now part of the tribe, apparently.

Katsumi: Good.

He makes a grab for another Ewok and glomps it enthusiastically. Curiously enough the Ewok does not seem to mind this manhandling. Koji sighs, then stiffens. Probably a Force thing… probably a Darth Akihito thing. An expression of sheer mindless terror flits across his face for an instant! The bucket has to be nearby to cause that kind of reaction. Only buckets made of the darkest dark side material can do that to Koji. He attempts to pull himself together and tries to Death Glare an Ewok which is approaching him in the mood for glomping, apparently. The Death Glare doesn't work on Ewoks, for some reason…

Koji: Oh, hot dog. Just want I wanted.

Katsumi (cuddling the Ewok and smiling): Aren't they cute, Koji? I used to have a teddy that looked just like this when I was little.

Koji: They just tried to eat us… have you forgotten?

Katsumi (philosophically, looking at the Ewok): Well, it'll be something to tell the grandchildren. (glancing at Taka) If I have any.

Koji (grumpy): If anyone needs me, I'll be outside.

An Ewok glomps onto Koji's leg. He shakes it off and starts making his way out of the hut, attempting to do it discreetly so as not to attract attention of the Ewok or Katsumi brand. Luckily for him all the Ewoks seem to be otherwise engaged and Katsumi is talking to Takasaka from somewhere behind 'his' Ewok. Izumi notices, however, and follows to see what's up. Koji will no doubt be very happy when he discovers this development… it probably wasn't what he intended, but it's hardly likely to distress him…

Taka (businesslike, but with a nervy edge): Apparently they can show us the best way to get to the shield generator.

Katsumi: Right… (a sudden thought) When you've finished all the business stuff, could we go somewhere private? This could be our last night alive, we've got to make the most of it, you know. (calmly) I don't want to die a virgin.

Taka blushes, unsurprisingly.

To be continued... ad nauseam!

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