One day Lincoln was sitting around beating his meat. To clarify, he was punching a slice of ham, because Rocky Balboa got ripped from punching meat so Lincoln decided that he would too. But all that punching made him a hungry hungry boy, so he went to the fridge to get some nom noms. He did not eat the ham because pigs are filthy, filthy animals and eating them is haram.

"I know just what to have," said Lincoln. "Tendies!"

Lincoln had bought himself a box of crispy fried chicken tendies with honey mustard dipping sauce from McDoodle's the other day, and he couldn't wait to sink his teeth into them. But when he went to the fridge and pulled out the box, he found that...

...THE BOX WAS EMPTY?!

"WHO ATE MY TENDIES?!" Lincoln roared like a liger who just saw his ligeress wife stabbed to death by a poacher named Ted.

"IT WAS ME, LINCOLN," said Lynn, the nasty stinky butthead who only showered on the first Tuesday of every month. "I ate them all up. And I didn't use any of the honey mustard dipping sauce."

"YOU CAN'T HAVE TENDIES WITHOUT HUNNY MUSSY!" screamed Lincoln. "I'M GONNA BEAT YOU UP!"

But Lincoln didn't beat her up, because Lynn's power is maximum. Nobody can beat her up, not even Matt from Wii Sports. So instead, Lincoln ran out of the room and set off on a quest to get some more tendies. McDoodle's was only one hour away from closing time, so he had to hurry.

He hopped onto his bike and began to pedal, but stopped because bicycling is hard and he didn't want to fall off and skin his knee. Nor did he want someone to point and laugh at his dorky helmet. So instead, he found an alternative form of transport.

"HEY STELLA!" he yelled, and Stella immediately appeared by his side.

"Yes, Lincoln?"

"Linky want up."

"Again?"

"Yes. Take me to McDoodle's."

So Stella picked up Lincoln and took off. Lincoln closed his eyes and salivated at the thought of the tendies.

But before they got too far, a huge-ass sphinx rose out from under the concrete. And this sonofabitch was huge, like 20 feet tall. Not as big as the real sphinx in Egypt, because that would be goddamn ridiculous, but. You know. Big.

"IN ORDER TO PASS, YOU MUST ANSWER MY RIDDLES," said the sphinx. "WHAT WALKS ON FOUR LEGS IN THE MORNING, TWO LEGS IN THE AFTERNOON AND THREE LEGS IN THE EVENING?"

"MY COCK," said Lincoln, and the sphinx immediately crumbled to dust, thwarted by Lincoln's mental prowess. Nobody in the history of the sphinx had ever found the answer to his riddle in such a short time. Not even Ben Shapiro, and that dude's pretty smart (his wife is a doctor).

So Stella started running again. She ran block after block, block after block, until she started getting super sweaty and smelled like a tuna sandwich that was dipped in a vat of sriracha.

"Stella, you stink," said Lincoln. "Don't you ever use deodorant?"

"No, because deodorant is a tool of the patriarchy and if you can't handle my natural womanly scent then you probably have internalized misogyny."

"Oh. Good to know."

So Stella continued to run on and on and on, with Lincoln in her arms. Eventually, they came to a bus stop.

"Do you want to take the bus?" asked Stella.

"NO!" said Lincoln. "BUSSES ARE FOR SUSSES."

Stella didn't know what he meant until she saw a bus pop out of the vents and murder a taxi cab. But then a pickup track saw it and called an emergency meeting, so the bus was ejected and everything was peaches and cream. Except it wasn't, because the cement mixer never finished its tasks.

So Stella started running again, but eventually got tired of hauling that thin little fatass everywhere and needed to take a break.

"STELLA NO, DON'T STOP!" said Lincoln. "WE ONLY HAVE FIVE MINUTES UNTIL MCDOODLE'S CLOSES!"

But Stella explained to him that those were actually Freeza minutes, not real minutes, so they had at least 20 episodes to get to the restaurant. In the meantime, they had just arrived at Flip's and decided to go inside for a flippee.

Unfortunately, Flip drank all of the flippees himself, and tried to charge Lincoln and Stella to have him puke it into their mouths. They responded by beating Flip with a sack of doorknobs and punting him across the horizon. They then went to the flippee machine to help themselves, only to remember that it was empty. So Lincoln jumped on top of it and hammered it like an angry baboon who lost a bet and had to go an entire day with a taser lodged in its butthole. To Stella's amazement, this got the machine to start making Flippees again.

And in that moment, she learned a valuable lesson; banging on machinery always works. They drank to their hearts' content, and went back on their merry way to McDoodle's.

But suddenly, they saw that their path was blocked by a moose. And not just any moose, but a talking moose. And not just any talking moose, but a talking moose who was trampling a bunch of kids for no apparent reason.

"STOP!" cried Stella.

"I'M A MOTHERFUCKIN' MOOSE AND I'LL DO WHAT I WANT!" said the moose.

'No, I mean you're going about it all wrong. Use your hind legs to trample, not your front legs!"

So the moose used his hind legs, and found that he could trample them much more efficiently that way.

"Thanks, kids," he said. "By the way, my name is Zeke."

"Well, I'm Stella, and this is Lincoln," said Stella. "We're on our way to Mcdoodle's to get some tendies."

"Tendies?!" cried Zeke. "Count me in! I love tendies!"

(Author's note: If any of you pedantic nerds show up in the comments to say, "WeLl AcTuAlLy MoOsEn aRe HeRbiVoREs", Zeke the Moose will show up at your house, eat you and run away with your girlfriend.)

And so Lincoln, Stella and Zeke the moose went onward to McDoodle's. It was a little bit harder for Stella since she now had to carry both Lincoln and a moose, but she didn't care. She's used to carrying stuff, just like she carries every episode featuring Lincoln's gang, BA-ZING.

But then she came to a stop light, and while she was waiting at the curb for the light to change, the party got three unexpected visitors; Chandler, Justin and Linclone (you know, the kid from Cereal Offender) showed up on their bikes, forming the Trifecta of Loud House Shitheads Who Only Exist to Be Dicks.

"Hey, LOSERS!" said Chandler. "I heard you fudgepackers are going to McDoodle's to eat some chicken tendies. How about we race for them?"

"Yeah!" said Justin. "And if you lose, you have to buy us all a thousand tendies and watch us eat them one by one!"

"And then you have to give us foot massages!" said Linclone.

Lincoln, Stella and Zeke looked at each other, mulling over the offer. After a long and thoughtful discussion, Zeke walked forward, looked the three boys over... and then tossed them in the air with his antlers, reared around and kicked them so far they landed in Canada, where they were all beaten up by Bear Hugger.

"Great work, Zeke!" said Lincoln. "I'm sure glad we invited you along!"

Zeke puffed out his furry chest. "A moose is a good friend to have," he said proudly.

And so, on they went.

Before long, the gang saw the faint image of the silver arches of McDoodle's over the horizon. Feeling very excited, Stella started running, but she wasn't looking where she was going and she fell down a manhole.

The three of them found themselves in a sewer, which smelled like the aftermath of a mud wrestling match between Oscar the Grouch and Wario. Fortunately, meese can't smell, so Zeke was fine. But it was too dark to see, so Zeke spat on the ground and used his bioluminescent saliva to guide their way. (Aren't you learning so much about meese today?)

Before long, however, they found their path blocked by an iron gate. Lincoln and Zeke were talking about turning around and finding a new path, but Stella just walked forward, grabbed the bars with her bare hands and bent them apart.

"See that, Lincoln?" she asked as she walked through the gap she just made. "This is how strong girls could be if the patriarchy wasn't holding us back from reaching our true potential."

Lincoln and Zeke, who were now feeling considerably more woke, followed Stella.

They walked and walked and walked through the sewer, trying to find an exit, when they heard the flapping of wings around the corner. They thought it might be a bat or a bird, so you could imagine their surprise when it turned out to be a giant goldfish with wings.

"Hello, sirs," said the fish, who also had a monocle. "My name is Blubsy, and I am the grand poobah of the sewers." Blubsy went on to explain that he grew giant because of radioactive ooze, and he grew wings because of someone flushing their Red Bull down the toilet. (GET IT BECAUSE RED BULL GIVES YOU WINGS)

"That's all very well and good, but we were looking for a way out so we can get to McDoodle's for some tendies," said Stella.

"Oh! Not a problem, then."

Blubsy then proceeded to clear his throat so hard that it blew Lincoln, Stella and Zeke out of the sewer and back onto the street. Blubsy also decided to join them for some tendies, because lots of birds eat fish and he decided that it was time to flip the script.

So Lincoln, Zeke, Stella and Blubsy proceeded on their quest to see the wonderful wizard of tendies. Eventually, the familiar environment of the suburbs started to fade away, and the foursome found themselves walking alongside a long stretch of highway. Also, it was very hot out, and all of them were sweating. (Do fish sweat? Fuck it, I'm too lazy to look it up.)

"I'm thirsty!" said Zeke.

"Hello, thirsty, I'm Blubsy," said Blubsy.

Zeke then proceeded to give Blubsy a beating that he richly deserved. He nursed him back to health afterwards, though, because he is a generous god, and they continued on.

That is, until they saw their path blocked by a police car. The door opened, and out stepped a police sergeant, who had a mustache. (Only 90's kids will get that reference.) He was very concerned that two unsupervised minors were traveling with a moose and a flying fish.

So Lincoln did the rational thing and kicked him in the nuts and ran away. For you see, Lincoln had learned thanks to Stella that there are no good cops and also that there is no ethical consumption under capitalism.

As they walked, they began to daydream about the tendies they were going to enjoy at the end of the journey. So meaty, so crispy, so tender, so bursting with flavor and seasoning...

"You know, I'm curious," said Stella. "What do you all think is the best dipping sauce for tendies?"

"Well, obviously it's hunny mussy," said Lincoln. "And anyone who thinks otherwise needs to have their nipples chopped off. But if you were to ask me my second favorite, I'd say ranch."

"I'm partial to barbecue sauce, myself," said Zeke.

"Honestly, I just like to eat them plain," said Blubsy.

"PLAIN?!" roared an outraged Lincoln. He considered ejecting Blubsy from their group right then and there, but decided not to because four is an aesthetically pleasing number. Instead, he beat him to near-death and then nursed him back to health, and the four of them went on their merry way.

They walked and walked and walked, until they saw the Royal Woods urban area coming into view. They saw the faint outlines of tall buildings, subways, homeless people and other things that sheltered suburban children know nothing about.

"It's near!" said Lincoln. "Our tendies draw nigh!" The four of them all jumped for joy and hooted and hollered.

Their celebration did not last long, however, before they noticed that there was a toll bridge blocking the way into the city.

"But we don't have an EZ pass!" said Stella. "What are we going to do?"

"I guess we'll just have to cross that bridge when we come to it!" said Zeke.

Stella and Lincoln responded with uproarious laughter, and then decided to crown Zeke the Almighty King of Dad Jokes. Blubsy tried to protest the injustice of it all, but Lincoln wasn't going to take any lip from a hunny mussy-hating heathen, so he bitch slapped the fish and continued on his way.

But little did they know that they were being followed.

Anyway, they kept walking, when all of a sudden, they heard a booming voice from overhead. "Hello there, children and moose and fish!"

They looked up to see that the sun, the actual literal sun, was talking to them. Also, it was wearing glasses. Not sunglasses, mind you, but regular eyeglasses, so it could see the earth better. Come to think of it, why do so many people draw the sun with sunglasses? That doesn't make any sense. Why would the sun need sunglasses? To look at itself? To look at other suns? Shit's weird.

"I know you are excited to have your tendies," said the sun. "But remember to also eat a balanced diet, with vegetables, fruits and grains. After all-"

But Blubsy got tired of the sun's rambling nonsense, so he shot it with a water gun attack, and it was super effective so it shut the sun up.

"Thanks, Blubsy!" said Lincoln. "I guess you're not so much of a shitty, pathetic twerp after all."

Blubsy smiled and gave Lincoln a little fishy kissy on the cheek, and they continued on their journey - until Zeke remembered that he was still thirsty.

"Guys, seriously, I need something to drink. I don't even care what it is."

The other three looked around for any source of hydration, but sadly, there was not a single water fountain, freshwater lake or Starbuck's to be seen. But then Stella looked to her left, saw all the cars zooming across the highway, and the incandescent lightbulb in her head went ding.

"I've got an idea!"

She jumped onto the highway, grabbed one of the cars, lifted it over her head and threw it onto the grass, where it landed roof-first with a crash. Then she walked over, popped open the gas tank, and said, "Here! Drink this!"

So Zeke put his moose lips on the tank and sucked it down, like a baby nursing from the teat of a big-breasted redheaded woman with freckled cheeks and a heart of gold.

"Ahhhh, that hit the spot," he said. "Thank you, Stella!"

But then they were accosted by the driver of the car - an adult man named Rod who was on his way down to the tax market to do a business. "What the hell were you thinking, you little brat?!" he yelled. "You could have killed me!"

Stella stood her ground and screamed, "STOP HARASSING ME! I'M A MINOR!" at the top of her lungs. Rod knew that he would undoubtedly be cancelled if he stuck around after she said that, so he ran away.

Before long, they finally came to the toll bridge, and sure enough, the lady running the toll bridge demanded an EZ pass. Stella searched her pockets, hoping that maybe she had an EZ pass after all and had just forgotten about it. Alas, no such luck. Zeke and Blubsy checked their pockets as well, only to remember that they didn't have any pockets.

"Unless the boy has an EZ pass, I can't let you through," said the toll bridge lady.

Lincoln grinned. "What if I have something even better than an EZ pass?"

He reached into his pocket and pulled out something that would make any EZ pass piss itself in envy - a GG EZ NO RE pass, that he obtained after becoming an MLG. The toll bridge lady got mad salty and ragequit the server, so the foursome took the opportunity to walk right through.

As they emerged on the other side of the gate, their eyes were once again drawn to the glittering arches of McDoodle's, which were now shining like a beacon. All of them started salivating at the sight.

"That's it, dear comrades!" cried Lincoln. "The end of our journey draws nigh!"

And so, they all took off in a run towards the city - except for Blubsy, who flew, for he (like most fish) did not have legs. As soon as they entered the city, however, they were impeded by one of the city dweller's greatest obstacles - a lady collecting signatures for a petition.

"Excuse me," said the kind lady, "but can you spare a few minutes to talk about ending climate change?"

The four of them did the rational thing and barreled through her like a linebacker charging through a store display to secure the last honey-glazed ham. "A few minutes" was way too much time to spare when tendies were on the line, after all. With the lady out of the way, they continued crashing through the crowded streets, dodging folks like... sugar beets, all while the silver arches of McDoodle's drew closer and closer.

And then, finally, at long last, they found themselves just across the street from the famed McDoodle's. By that point, the silver arches were shining so brightly that they almost had to avert their eyes. They could almost taste the tendies as they stumbled across the street, drawn to the beacon like zombie moths. (Which I think would be a pretty dope premise for a movie, by the way. Has anyone done zombie moths before?)

They walked right through the doors, hypnotized by the intoxicating aroma of fry grease and mayonnaise, and went straight to the cashier - a pleasantly plump twenty-something lady named Cleo. After a long, arduous journey, they were finally able to make their glorious order.

"Four orders of tendies with hunny mussy dipping sauce, please!" announced Lincoln.

"Coming right up!" said Cleo. She went to the back and fetched four boxes of tendies, which were basking in the immaculate glow of the fluorescent heat lamps, and stuffed them into a bag along with some packets of hunny mussy.

"That'll be $16.80."

Lincoln reached into his pocket, only to find, to his horror, that he had left his house so hastily that he had forgotten his wallet. Frantically, he dug into each of his pockets in search of some change, but nothing came up.

"No... NO!" he cried. "Stella, do you have any cash on you?!"

Solemnly, Stella shook her head. "I'm sorry, Lincoln." Zeke and Blubsy also came up short, since - as mentioned before - they had no pockets.

Lincoln dropped to his knees and pounded the tile floor with his fist, tears welling up. He had solved the sphinx's riddle, defeated Flip, trekked through a sewer, bypassed the toll bridge and put up with all of Blubsy's nonsense... all for nothing. Even worse, it was all his fault; if he had taken just a couple of seconds to grab his wallet before embarking on his trek to the city, he could have had a happy ending. But he didn't, and now he and his friends were fated to walk home with tears in their eyes and no tendies in their tummies.

...or so they thought. Remember when I said that they were being followed?

You don't? Well, I absolutely did. If you don't believe me, hit CTRL+F and type in "they were being followed".

...

Told you.

Yes, from the beginning of Lincoln's trip, there was someone who was tracking his every move, hiding just out of his line of sight. And just as he was in the throes of despair, that someone walked in through the doors. Stella, Zeke and Blubsy turned around to see a short, jersey-clad brunette girl with a ponytail, her fair skin dotted with freckles. It was Lynn Loud, Jr., the entire reason Lincoln set off on his expedition in the first place.

Her heart ached as she saw her little brother crouched on the floor, weeping and quivering. She walked over, knelt down, put an arm around his shoulder and said...

"Hey, Lincoln, stop crying like a little bitch. I'll pay for everything."

He looked back over his shoulder, wiping away his tears. "You... you mean it?"

"Yeah, I felt kind of bad for eating your tendies, so I figured this was the least I could do."

Overcome with joy and relief, he whipped around and squeezed Lynn like an otaku hugging his $500 waifu plushie. After all this time, it turned out that his big sister wasn't such a nasty stinky butthead after all.

After the hug was over, she marched up to the register, slammed a $20 bill onto the counter and said, "Keep the change, you filthy animal."

They grabbed their food, claimed a counter and proceeded to stuff their face with deep fried tendie goodness. They gobbled down that chicken like Chucky the Chicken-Chopping Chihuahua. It wasn't quite the best meal Lincoln had ever had in his life, but it was definitely in the Top 50.

After the meal was over, they bid farewell to their new friends, who had to return to their homes. Zeke gave Lincoln a long, passionate kiss on the lips before trotting off into the sunset. Blubsy tried to do the same with Stella and was given a kick in the nuts for his trouble. Everyone laughed as Blubsy limped back to the sewers in pain.

And that's the story of how Lincoln learned that fish have nuts.

THE END