Down time on the Crusade

Down time on the Crusade

It's a lovely night on the planet Gaea, the two moons clearly visible in the darkening sky. Resting serenely on the horizon is the airship 'The Crusade', in which our heroes reside. Let us take a closer look...

...A change of scene, and we are inside the Crusade, looking upon a rather odd bunch of people surrounding a circular table. While the members of this riffraff crowd quite obviously have nothing in common, one thing links them together at this very moment: playing cards. Yes, that's right, playing cards. Shall we investigate further? Well, all right then, here we go...

Member #1 of our strange crowd is Van Fanel, the 15 year old king of the now-dufunked country of Fanelia (FANEL, FANELia, freakish coincidence?). Across the table sits Folken Fanel, Van's elder brother and once mortal enemy (Just watch the show, all right?). Let us dwell for a moment on Lord Folken, whose beautiful (yet eminently masculine) features are now causing the author to droll... ("Get out of the story!" cry the readers, "What kind of writer ARE you?")...never mind. Seated next to our supremely handsome Lord is 15 year old Hitomi Kanzaki, a skanky little wench who ought to sue her hairdresser for malpractice. Oh yeah, and she can tell the future (OOH! Let's give her a medal!!). To Folken's right sits Alan Shezar, A knight of Astoria, and beside him is Van's loyal cat-girl, Merle, who is at this moment staring at Van with a loving yet strangely psychotic look on her feline face. Like I said, an odd assemblage, but hey, it's amazing what poker can do!!

Anyway, back to the game. Our heroes seem to be having a very heated discussion over something. Shall we eavesdrop? Ah, all right then...

Folken seems to be protesting over Hitomi's participation in this game. "She can read MINDS, for God's sake! You think she's playing honestly?!" Van and Allen glare viciously at him.

"And I suppose YOU always play by the rules," remarks Allen sardonically. Folken mutters something under his breath that sounds remarkably like "pretty boy" and glares at his cards. Allen tosses his golden mane and hostilely replies "at least I didn't burn my homeland to the ground!"This, apparently, is too much for Folken, who slams his cards on the table and turns furiously towards Allen.

"For the last time, Fabio, that wasn't me, that was..." As if on cue, there is a knock on the door, then an "oh, hell, what's the point?", and the next second, the outside door of the Crusade swings off it's hinges, revealing a menacing, albeit short young man. Folken raises his eyebrows at the irony of the situation and finishes his sentence, "...Dilandau."

The pale young man's eyes flash with psychotic fury "Moero!" he screams delightedly, "MOER...Ooo, poker! Deal me in!" Van shrugs his shoulders and everyone shoves over to accommodate the enemy. The game resumes. Conversation is as follows:

Van: Hmm... decent hand...

Hitomi: *under her breath* Bluffer...

Folken: I told you she was cheating! Come on, Back me up here Van! Merle? Allen? Anyone?

Dilandau: I'll back you up!

Allen: You're just sour because you got a crap-ass hand, Folken.

Folken: Shut up.

Merle: Folken IS right...

Van: *nodding reluctantly* I guess. Sorry Hitomi...

Hitomi: What'd you mean?

Allen: You're out.

Dilandau: In other words, piss off, little girl!

Allen: Do not talk to a woman like that! As men, it is our job to protect poor Hitomi's virgin ears!!

(Dilandau nearly knocks over his drink after hearing the words "virgin" and "Hitomi" in the same sentence.)

The game resumes in silence, minus Hitomi. Five rounds are played, Dilandau losing each and every one. "Van rigged the deck," he whines sulkily. Van gives him the finger.

"You know, Van," begins Allen, "As men, we really should save our tempers for the battle field and act like gentlemen when the ladies are around."

"Shut up, DiCaprio," mutters Van, furiously rubbing his temples.

"Now, now, Van," Allen replies sternly. "Do not be bitter! True, you may not be as gorgeous or manly as I, but you do have SOME good qualities, I suppose!" Van and Folken choke on their drinks in unison. Merle laughs out loud.

"Manly?! Who are you kidding? We all know your little secret!"

Allen's eyes widen. "Shut up, Shut UP!" He yells, his voice raising to abnormally high levels. Dilandau blushes. "Yeah guys, there's nothing wrong with guys who used to be girls!"

Folken cleared his throat. "Dilandau, I would stay out of this if I were you. After all, you had no control over YOUR... transformation. Allen, on the other hand..."

Van laughs. "Hey, apparently transsexuality runs in the family!"

Dilandau cocks his head. "'Runs in the family'? Shall we talk about YOUR older brother, Van FaNEL?" Folken menacingly taps the long, claw like fingers of his mechanical arm on the table, causing Allen to utter a high-pitched squeal. Hitomi cries, then faints. Folken mutters something to the effect of "Thank God". Dilandau becomes bored and sets fire to the playing cards, bringing the poker game to an abrupt halt, then bids our group farewell, saying goodbye, he's going to go set fire to Dryden now(Apparently he feels the need to punish him for bringing back retro fashions...). Allen retires to his chamber with the intention of re-reading the latest Harlequin romance and unfortunately impales himself on an oversized hair clip while leaning over to inspect his pristine reflection (A befitting end, reader, do you not agree?). The light shines on Allen's hair as he falls dead, and we see the faint outline of the words You're next, Folken! Van and Folken, sick by now of Merle's whining, decide to shut her and the comatose Hitomi in a closet. The author starts to fall asleep, bored with her own pathetic fanfic, and decides to go to bed. Van and Folken join her. Everything is as it should be.

Isn't life beautiful?

Fin.