The morning was gray and gloomy. Thick dark clouds were hanging over the city and the streets were shiny from the puddles. Even though there were hardly any trees in their neighborhood, he could feel the cold icy wind howling through the narrow streets of Manhattan and it made him shiver.
Leo pulled his bathrobe a little tighter to himself and pressed the hot coffee mug closer to his chest. Almost certain it was about to snow the next days, he almost feared reaching the huge balcony window to keep this coldness from creeping inside.
Somehow his head hurt.
He'd always hated fall with its bleak days and the constant darkness. It wasn't going to get better from here on as winter was basically dipped into darkness. He even hated it as a child. And if he remembered back, it all came down to this one primal fear that had always been there lingering in the back of his mind somehow. He just wasn't made for darkness. It had always scared him.
He sighed and immediately took another deep breath; straightening his body and marching towards the window. The icy cold already crept up his legs and he felt goosebumps appear on his arms within seconds.
"This is silly," he tried to tell himself. "There's nothing there to be scared of." He knew. His logical mind knew. His whole body knew. The facts were there.
So, with a loud bang he closed the window and pulled the warm fabric of the bathrobe over his skin.
His eyes wandered around.
He'd lived here for an eternity now. Everything here was familiar. Everything was warm and covered in memories. Everything smelled familiar. He was used to the looks of the furniture and the floor. He knew each little framed picture off by heart and the otherwise annoying humming of the ceiling fan almost sounded like a welcoming song to him now.
But then, all of a sudden another thought crossed his mind.
He had referred to this as his home. For years now. Yet, all of this wasn't associated with him. In a strange, impalpable way. The pictures hardly showed him. He knew of some clippings but they were spread mostly all over the working room in the back of the office. The leather couch had been here long before he even had set one foot in here. And every memory in every last corner wasn't exactly his own. No, the truth was…
"Why are you awake this early?"
When he heard Max's voice behind him, he turned around slightly.
Max stood in the doorframe that sepreated the office rooms from the part they were living in and looked drowsy still. His hair was tousled still and he sleepily rubbed his eyes, yawning.
"I didn't mean to wake you, sorry," Leo answered, but looked away in a hurry, taking another sip of his coffee.
Max just shook his head, lazily scuffled over to the tiny kitchen and grabbing himself a mug too.
"You didn't," he replied without looking at him while pouring himself some coffee as well. "It was more that darn window. Should have fixed this years ago."
"It was cold," Leo answered absent-minded.
"It always is," he heard Max's voice and looked up again. "This office is so old, that lousy wind can get through any little crack in the wall. You should hve seen it fifteen years ago. The winters were always hard somehow."
Leo shrugged and turned away again. His eyes wandered out of that window and towards the huge buildings in front of their house again.
Why did this notion bother him all of a sudden? Why did he feel like not being part of all this right now? He was… He had been for years… Hell, he and Max were sort of engaged, weren't they?
"You sure you're alright?"
Leo closed his eyes when he heard that question again. And he sighed once more.
It's been an eternity since he had asked Max about that. About… agreeing to be with him. About…
He had tricked him into it.
Slowly he opened his eyes again. Maybe this was what bothered him about the fall. It had it's way to bring back all the things that weren't right. To slow down and reconsider everything. Maybe this meant, Max was reconsidering too. Maybe that's why… he had never pursued him about this thing anymore ever again.
"Leo?"
"Max?" Leo closed his eyes again, still having his back turned to his partner, yet he knew he was listening. He could feel it. "Am I… part of this all after all?"
He could literally hear Max letting his shoulders sink and sigh; the tension audibly falling off of him.
"What's this? Another little doubting of yours?" He could hear him take a sip of his coffee. "Leo, you've been living here for more than ten years now. And I've told you before… Everything that'S mind… is yours."
That last part somehow didn't sound as convincing anymore.
So, he was reconsidering, wasn't he?
Damn fall.
"Can we…," Max took a deep breath. "Leo, what is this about? Let's be honest here, ok?"
"What do you mean?"
"I mean … Every time you start something like this… there's something on your mind you don't want to say directly;" Max answered, now looking straight to him. "Spit it out, kid. I don't like guessing."
"Still a kid to you am I?" Leo was surprised at his own tone. And he could see Max's expression change from self-satisfied to uncertain. Within the blink of an eye. it was strange how much he seemed to be affected about his well-being after all this time.
"I…I didn't mean…," he started to murmur then, but Leo interrupted him.
"I'm sorry. I just thought… we've grown out of this weird little mentor-student relationship."
"That's not what I've…"
"It's been a year," Leo looked up at his partner again. And Max was lost. He could tell by his look. "Since you've agreed… to…. "
Max sighed. "Is this what this is about?"
Clearly, he udnerstood perfectly what Leo meant to say here.
"I just thought…," Leo's voice almost vanished. "If… if you've changed your mind…"
"Leo!"
But before he could turn, he felt Max's arms around his body and felt the warmth of his cheek so close to his own.
"You know I haven't," he almost whispered into his ear now, causing Leo goosebumps again, yet this time not from the cold. "It's just…"
"Just what?"
"I… Well, what do you expect me to do,? Max replied after thinking about a second. Maybe about how to put this? Or how to chose his words here? " Do you really want a huge hullaballoo like Carmen and Roger? Do you want me to sob corny vows into your ear and go down on one knee in front a huge crowd behaving like girls? Do we really need that shit? When…a symbolic gesture would do the trick? When…"
He slowly turned Leo around, stroking over his cheek once.
"When you and I know?" he asked softly then. "Isn't this enough?"
Leo bid his lips. This wasn't at all what he'd expected. So, was he right? Was this what mattered? Sure, he never wanted it to be as big and pompous as their friends expected it to be… but at least it would be something. A small ceremony just between them. A ring to show the world this was true… Anything… Instead of yet more empty promises.
And suddenly, he didn't know whether to laugh or cry. So, he closed his eyes and just nodded, swallowing every argument he might have started.
"Yeah," he whispered, lowering his head and staring at the ground. "Forgive me…"
He didn't know why, but his feet developed a life on their own then. He was still about to sort his own emotions out, when they would carry him away from his partner and towards the doorframe Max had been coming from just moments ago.
"I'm cold…" he said while thinking of a place to escape to. "I'll have a shower. I'm sure I'll feel better then."
And before Max could say another word, he vanished behind the wall that seperated them.
One little thought kept him comfort though:
In the shower, his tears wouldn't be visible.
Max was gone when he set foot in the office again.
His hair was still wet and the water sripping onto his shoulders. Leo rubbed his face dry with a towel still when he looked around. This awkward silence was new. And Max leaving the house at this ungodly hour in the morning was so unlike him, it almost made him laugh at the absurdity of all of this. Usually he'd be the one leaving to get his head clear. So, was this part of the reconsideration? Part of the change the fall brought?
He walked over to the leather couch and let himself fall into it with a loud moan. He took a deep breath.
The old shirt he had flung over was one of Max's. He wouldn't mind, he knew that. But it smelled like him more than anything else.
Leo listened.
And waited.
He just didn't know for what. The noise of the city rang through the windows and he could almost smell the autumn air, which was peculiarly distinguishing in New York somehow. The ceiling fan kept on humming its symphony and Leo heard the old clock at Max's desk tiktoking the minutes away. Or were they hours already?
He wasn't sure.
Yet, he almost jumped off his cozy spot in shock, when the phone rang all of a sudden.
His hand automatically wandered towards his chest as if this made any difference to whether his heart almost exploded right now or not.
The phone rang again.
Leo shook his head once, as if to let go of that strange gloominess inside of him and took a deep breath.
He marched over to the desk, ready to start yet another day of appointments and monotonous every-day work that came during this season as well. Surely it would distract him a little and soon, things would be back to normal. To him being the small mousy little partner to a Broadway producer everyone knew. The left hand to one of the greatest directors the theatre world had ever seen and the laughing stock to his assistant. Someone they must not take seriously. A kid through and through.
He shouldn't complain. After all, this was the life he'd always wanted.
A life at the side of the people he'd always admired. A life with the man he loved… False promises or not. He just couldn't expect more. Or do any better for that matter.
He picked up the phone, but before he could say only one word, he heard Max's voice on the other end.
"Leo, don't hang up, please," it said.
"I wasn't going to," Leo replied silently. "Max, where are you?"
"Do me a favor, will you?" Max interrupted. "You know that coat you admire so much? the long black one?"
"Yes?" Leo scratched his head. What the hell was that about?
"Liste, I know you're freezing during this time of year," Max went on. "So please take it, put on some shoes and come down, will you?"
"Max? What's wrong?"
"You'll see once you're down here," Max answered. Funny enough, he didn't sound annoyed or angry as he usually would when Leo wouldn't understand his weird schemes right away. "I'll be waiting here for you. Please, Leo…"
Leo bid his lips again, taking another breath.
Business. Of course. Where else could he have gone during this time of day? And most likely he needed him to do some little dirty work again.
"Leo?"
"Yes, yes," Leo answered then, remembering Max was still on the line. "I'll be down in a few."
Not waiting for another snarky comment, he hung up the phone and went to get his shoes and pants.
On the way down, he started to wonder why Max had insisted on him wearing his coat though. He'd always loved it, yet it wasn't even possible to touch it up to this day. And now, feeling the heavy fabric on his shoulders and the warmth inside, he must admit he'd hardly ever felt that prepared for the icy coldness awaiting him outside.
Max already stoof there at the end of Shubert Alley, grinning brightly.
"What's happened?" Leo asked as he approached him. "Business deals at this time in the morning aren't usually a thing. And you haven't mentioned anything…"
"Are you still cold?" Max asked in return.
Leo shook his head, looking surprised though.
"Good," Max smiled warmly at him.
Something was off. This wasn't how Max usually reacted… Not ever.
"Listen…erm… I…," he started to mumble, fidgeting about with something he had there underneath his own coat. "I… I thought about… what you've said this morning."
"Forget it, will you?" Leo looked away. Somehow he found this embarrassing. "You were probably right. We don't need this. We aren't Roger and Carmen and I know… I know perfectly well how hard it is for you to admit this openly. So just…"
He almost jumped back, when Max pulled out a large something and held it in front of his nose so quickly though, he didn't really know what to say at first. Heavens, he almost forgot to breathe too out of this unexpected - and a little scary - gesture.
"I… I was wrong," Max murmured, not daring to look at him. He lowered his eyes and much to Leo's surprise, his face was blushing up to a point where he looked just red. "It's been… way too long. And… and you deserve ….you know… the gesture."
Leo blinked once. He must admit, he found this almost shy Max there in front of him surprinsingly sweet, yet his whole body was still tense. He harrumphed once and lowered his shoulders; now daring to take a look at the thing Max was holding there up to him.
"What the hell…?"
Staring back at him was an old looking, fluffy, brown teddybear, which looked as though it had survived many generations before him.
Slowly Leo lifted his hands until he touched the furry thing in front of him. He couldn't take his eyes away though. This was unecxpected as nothing else. This was absolutely nothing MAx would do.
This was…
Ridicculous and childish and Leo just couldn't grasp what this was supposed to mean.
A teddybear?
What was he? Five?
"It… erm… It belonged to me," he heard Max's voice again. "I've had it ever since I was born and… and… I thought… well, it would be perfect to give you some comfort…when…."
"What?"
"I've had it modifid a bit though," Max went on hastily. "You may find…"
"Are you kidding me?"
It was then Max stopped in mid-sentence and looked up to Leo again.
Their eyes met. And never before had Leo seen Max this shocked. But then, never before had Leo heard his own voice sounding so angry and cold towards that man. He literally stared him down that very moment. His eyes were burning.
"To comfort …What am I? A child?" Leo almost screamed at him now.
"What? No…Leo, listen…"
"So, this one fact never changed for you, has it?" Leo's voice echoed through the alley. Some poeple already started to turn to them. "I am a kid? Someone who needs comfort from a stuffed toy? Instead of a real partner as I thought you very well understood?"
"You're misunderstanding…"
"Oh, I understand alright," Leo pushed Max away from himself and stepped back a few inches. "That's how it always will be, isn't it?"
"Leo…"
"No, enough!" he screamed. "Is this all you take me for? CAN YOU REALLY NOT SEE ME AS AN EQUAL PARTNER? NO, YOU CAN'T, CAN YOU? I'LL ALWAYS BE … JUST A CHILD TO YOU! AM I RIGHT?"
Without waiting for an answer he marched past Max, towards the heavily trafficked road. And even though he heard Max yelling something at him, he couldn't think anymore. He saw the huge clouds of beath in front of himself still when he lifted his arm and threw that darn toy onto the street; for once hoping with all his might one of those heavy cars would drive over it.
"NO!"
Max's voice echoed from the walls behind him and before Leo could even turn to see why this apparrently was so important to his partner, he saw Max from the corner of his eyes - jumping after that bear.
"MAX!" Leo screamed, but before he could even try and grab his arm to hold him back, he heard the thundering sound of wheels - screeching to come to a halt. He heard the horns of the vehicles all around in a great, uneven symphony and …
He heard the dull impact of a body being thrown to the ground in such power, it shatterred bones.
And then… there was silence.
This horrible silence.
He saw the people all around running towards the scene. He saw drivers getting out of their cars and he saw several people screaming at other; gesturing to call for help.
But all he could do was standing there, paralyzed and white as a ghost. His hands were covering his mouth and his eyes teared wide open in shock as he gazed to the ground at the lifeless body of his partner.
Max simply lay there, looking almost as though he was just asleep. He was calm. And silent. And the ground covered in more and more blood by the second…
"No!", leo heard himself whisper. He then started to hyperventilate. "NOOOO!"
The last thing he knew was he ran towards him… towards Max… His Max…
Oh, God. What had he done?
Hours had passed.
It was already the middle of the night when Leo set foot into the office again.
When he closed the door behind himself, he leaned his back to it and let his heavy body be dragged down to the floor slowly, while still just staring to the ground.
His eyes were red and swollen and tears were still running down his face.
They had let him stay at the hospital as long as it had been possible. They had talked to him. They had a doctor check up on him as well. And then they had forced him to sign this impossible paper…
Leo was certain he must feel numb, but the truth was he couldn't feel a thing.
Apart from this incredible ache inside his chest. And that never-ending emptiness that devoured his entire being that very second.
He heard that devilish humming again. And the clock… But, they seemed to mock him just now.
He slowly lifted his head and through his blurry vision tried to make out the shapes of the office.
This was supposed to be his home…
But this..THIS right here wasn't!
Not like this. Not with the certainty that he would never hear other footsteps in here again. That he would never listen to annoyed little good mornings. And he'd never again feel the warm security of Max next to him during these endless nights.
His breath became faster again up to the point he almost felt like choking. He grabbed his arms so tightly it must have hurt him a lot, yet he didn't feel a thing. Not a single thing apart from this pain…
It was his fault… Because he had behaved like a child…. the child he obviously still was… That the person he loved most in the world was gone… Forever.
He screamed into the loneliness of the apartment while crouching there on the ground without a soul to lift him up in this misery. How could he have done this? How could this have happened?
Leo sobbed so hard now, he was hardly able to tell if he was still breathing at all.
And all because of a sweet little gesture… Soemthing he clearly had overreacted about…
Trying to catch his breath again, he turned his head with the last little strength left in him to see that thing next to him… His hadn was stil holding on to that bear tightly ever since they'd given it to him back in the hospital. This was the last link… the last little bond he still had with Max… This ugly, unbearable thing that had been responsible for all of this…
An new kind of anger mixed with the unspeakable pain inside of him suddenly. He didn't think and he could barely see anything when he grabbed that toy and almost ripped it apart. But then his eyes widened again. He remembered this had been Max's… This was all that was left…
Again, he screamed and threw that damn bear across the room as hard as he could before crouching down again.
In a loud smash the bear crashed against the wall and fell down to the ground again. A clicking sound appeared and once it stopped there, it's stomach sprung open like a small hidden door in an old building.
Leo's head shot up.
A small little box rolled out of that bear; coloring the gray room with it's bright red color and certainly catching Leo's eyes.
A little piece of paper looked out of it.
Leo tried to calm himself and waited a few seconds.
What was that about?
But then, without hesitation, he stumbled towards that box and grabbed it as though it was the only thing giving him hold still.
He peeled off the little piece of paper and unfolded it slowly.
'Press the back of the bear' It said.
Leo still couldn't take his eyes away from the box, but his hand was already searching for the stuffed toy.
Once he had it, he leaned his back to the wall again, letting the bear sink onto his lap while still holding on to that box tightly.
As if in slowmotion he turned the bear around and felt its back. There! Indeed! A little spot right there on its back was hard and round…almost like a button.
Like in trance, Leo pressed the bear and almost felt his heart skip a beat when Max's voice sounded from that ugly brown thing:
"My dearest Leo,
You were right with everything you've said. I had planned this for a longer time but I figured today was the day to finally do the one thing you've been expecting of me. So, please, my dear Leo, let me ask you the one question you've always wanted to hear… Please…Open the box you'll find inside!"
Leo stared at the bear in shock. He didn't notice he was holding his breath. Nor the tears that were running down his face uncontrollably again.
He slowly turned his head towards the box in his right hand. Using his left hand, he then slowly lifted the lid until he felt like almost fainting.
A thin, elegatn looking golden ring stared back at him. Fine letters, carefully engraved, glittered in the light of the office, saying "In love forever", while the inside of the box's lid read:
"Will you marry me?"
It was then Leo broke down comepletely.
He closed his eyes up to the point of pure pain while he couldn't stop his cries only a little.
He sank to the ground, screaming until his lungs ran out of breath…
This must be a nightmare… This just couldn't be real…
He wanted to die. He wanted to throw himself out of that window. He wanted to burst into smithereens hitting the ground underneath his feet. He jsut wanted this unebarable, excruciating pain to end…
And he was certain, this was his last breath… He hoped with all his might this was it. There was nothing…
"Leo?"
He sobbed still, breathing heavily… His brain must have played some tricks on him now…
"Leo!"
Maybe this was one part of choking?!
"LEO! God damnit!"
…..
And with one deep breath he started up.
He looked into the face of Max, who sat there by his side, looking worried.
He was confused… He quickly cast a look around.
But…
He was in their bedroom. Carefully covered in sheets and blankets that kept him warm. The windows were closed and the gray sky outside was still dark at its edges from the night.
He looked back into Max's face, who now gently stroked his cheek with one hand. He looked really worried, staring back at him with his dark eyes.
"Are you okay?" he asked softly. "You were screaming and wallowing around. Not gonna lie, I am a bit worried…"
"Max…," Leo whispered, not being able to take his eyes away from him.
"Was that too much?" Max asked immediately, pulling his hands away. "I… I know you always get a little moody when it's getting colder, so I just meant to make it comfortable for you… I'm sorry… But Leo… If you've had a nightmare, maybe you should…"
But he couldn't finish his sentence. For Leo stormed forwards and flung his arms around his partner in a bear hug, definitely not intending to let go of him soon.
He felt his eyes filling with tears again and immediately started to sob.
"Hey, hey," Max said after the first surprise was gone. He carefully put his arms around the younger man, too, and started to gently stroke the back of his head. "It's alright… Those dreams will vanish too!"
"I'm so glad you're here," Leo's cries soudned muffled as he pressed his face closer to Max's chest. "I…I thought…."
"Shhh, it's alright," Max answered. "Leo, You know I won't go anywhere… I won't leave you…"
Leo nodded slightly, still in trouble to breathe.
Max sighed and let his head gently fall onto Leo's….
"You know I love you, kid…"
~The end ~
