The Journal

The Journal

Duo dragged himself up the stairs and into his room. He collapsed onto the bed. He placed his hands underneath his head and stared up at the ceiling. He just stared, looking off into space. He had been unhappy before. Sure, he'd had low times in his life. Who hadn't? But he had gone beyond unhappiness. Now it was depression, utter despair. He felt he couldn't sink any deeper.

His mind immediately went to Heero. When didn't it? He thought of the intense pain Heero brought to him. Why did he let Heero get to him? How could he help it? He hated having this happen to him. He knew Heero wouldn't want him; he was too busy with his prissy little queen of the world. What the hell did he see in her anyways? A pang of jealousy ran through him.

Duo sighed as he thought about how Heero always seemed to ignore him. At least he had Heero's friendship. If you'd call it friendship. Heero did seem closer to him than anyone else, even though he wasn't exactly open. But it was that friendship that had cost him his happiness. Now he lived almost soulless, numb to any feeling but those of pain.

He sat up and reached over to the table between his and Heero's beds for his journal. He opened it up to the first blank page. He wrote until it was too painful to write anymore. He wiped the stay tears off of his face. Then he put down the journal and headed outside.

* * * * * * * * *

Heero walked into the room he shared with Duo. He sat down at the desk and began tying on his laptop. He checked his files. No new missions yet. He wondered how much longer this gap between missions would last. How much longer would he have to stare at a blank screen? He switched off the laptop. He swiveled around in his chair.

He noticed something lying on the table beside his bed. It was a small leather-bound book. Heero flipped it open to a random page. Little did he know that it was the journal entry Duo had written only minutes before . . .

Heero began reading what was written. Parts of it were had to make out. It was written sloppily, and there were blotches were tears had fallen, smudging the ink. But Heero tried to read it anyways.

Heero lately has just ignored me. As usual. Why does he do this to me? Why? Does he find some kind of sick pleasure in my pain? No, he couldn't. He doesn't know how I feel for him. If only he knew. If only he could just open his eyes and look at me for once. Does he not see me? Is he blind to seeing me, me completely weak and defenseless? Entirely at his mercy. How can he not see that the only thing in the world that I care about is him? He's all I can think about, all that I want to think about, even though the pain cuts through me like a knife. I love him more than I could ever say. If only he could just see me. To just take one look, and know how I feel about him.

Oh, Kami, why do I love him so much? Why can I not fall in love with someone who actually cares for me? Someone who loves me? I wish, more than anything that I could just walk up to him and kiss him. But I don't have the courage. I couldn't stand the rejection. If only . . .

If only he would love me. If only he would tell me. If only he would smile. Even if it was just once. If only he would laugh. If only he would love me. What I wouldn't give for him to love me. I would even cut off my braid, if I could only have his love, even just for one day. Oh, Kami . . .

Heero blinked. His eyes widened. He didn't know what to do. He collapsed back onto his bed. He reread the entry. He noticed how the spots from the tears were still damp. He had no idea that Duo felt that way. He shakily closed the book. He just sat there for a moment, stunned.